January 2013 Rockstar Mamas - Page 2

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by EuroMama 

I find marriage hard, but marriage with children even harder. 

nak

My DH needs more tools.  he is very quick to time out, or say enough, stop or i'll leave (the room).  He doesnt attempt to read all the parenting stuff i do, and relies on my ideas/opinions.  he disagrees with  some but is willing to try.  I yell more than he does -- but i'm working on it.

[akind1]

I don't expect DH and I to parent identically. I like us to be consistent with some things (like rules) - but often what works for me, might not work for him as far a discipline technique, and vice versa. I could yell untill I'm blue in the face some days and it won't get through to my kids. (Norah especially). My dad, or MIL, or FIL? barely a firm tone of voice, and she breaks down in tears. Why, I don't know.

I think the important thing is you have the same starting point and ending point - Start - no violence towards siblings perhaps - and the end result - Everyone has used gentle hands towards eachother today. (being that's the goal). What happens when something breaks down in the middle - if I choose to separate the kids and get them working on different activities, and DH decides to do sort of a "time in" with Gabe  . . . It doesn't matter. Now, we have gone down the road of corporal/physical punishment and found it just doesn't work for us. Some families will tell you different - but in our house, it just increases the violence. Everybody then thinks it's ok to hit. On one hand, I'm sorry I or DH ever hit our son, but on the other, having done it, and found it doesn't work, it's far more effective when explaining to grandparents, etc, WHY we don't hit. It's not just another of the weird hippie things we do, there is good reason.

In the moment, I try to let DH parent however he's going to - it's more damaging to the entire situation I think to undermine him. After though, I do try to talk about how it could have been handled better. DH does the same for me, when my temper gets out of sorts, letting me know that I could have handled myself better.

We are none of us perfect, I've still got very young children and a lot to learn as they get older and challenge us in all kinds of crazy ways. While I disagree with a lot of the nanny shows, one of the big takeaways from it is that she doesn't change the kids, she changes how the parents react to the kids - That makes all the difference.  (remind me of this later, please, when both of mine start hitting each other over the head with sticks)

 . . .Man I am tired. this pregnancy is wearing me out. Baby is active as mexican jumping bean, and everything else is fine -  but I'm so glad I'm doing this now, while I'm still on the younger side!

[MarineWife]

I came with a kid when I married my dh so he deferred all of the disciplining to me unless I specifically asked for his help. Usually, when I asked for help it was because I felt like I was going to lose it and needed dh to take the boy out for a while. I was more mainstream, following the reward/punishment system that is supported by so many so-called experts. DH was fine with that, although neither one of us hit the boy.

Fast forward and I have moved way beyond that but dh is still stuck in the mainstream. He's very much a person that just goes along with whatever is normal or common or whatever. He is not too hard and fast on anything with disciplining the kids. He says he doesn't see anything wrong with spanking, for example, although he wouldn't do it himself. He still defers to me, although I think he feels at a loss much of the time. He knows I don't want the kids punished or manipulated or coerced but he doesn't know what else to do. A lot of times he ends up doing nothing. I have tried to give him ideas of what he can do. I have tried to show him by example. He just doesn't seem to get it. He knows what he knows and, if he can't do that, he won't do anything.

We don't butt heads too much on that, though, because him not doing anything at least means he's not doing anything that will get me upset. We have a kind of different situation, too, I think. Because my dh is gone so much he has to defer a lot to me. I'm the only one here to do things with the kids most of the time. He's kind of like a visitor.

[EuroMama]

Dang it. I was editing this post for typos and then it was all erased. *slaps head*

Edited by EuroMama - 1/12/13 at 9:20pm

[EuroMama]

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Edited by EuroMama - 1/29/13 at 10:11pm

[onetwoten]

I'm here, reading along. I don't know =what= has been filling our days, but it feels like it's been such a busy week!  The funeral for DH's grandfather was today, so I feel like maybe things will get a little bit back to normal. I work two, maybe three, days next week. And morning shifts too. That'll be crazy. 

I got super sick after we got home today. It came on within an hour, and I feel like i have the nastiest flu ever. Blah. Just waiting for it to pass. 

[EuroMama]

Originally Posted by onetwoten 

I'm here, reading along. I don't know =what= has been filling our days, but it feels like it's been such a busy week!  The funeral for DH's grandfather was today, so I feel like maybe things will get a little bit back to normal. I work two, maybe three, days next week. And morning shifts too. That'll be crazy. 

I got super sick after we got home today. It came on within an hour, and I feel like i have the nastiest flu ever. Blah. Just waiting for it to pass. 

Feel better soon!! Flu seems to be going like wildfire. :(

[Baby_Cakes]

On no, FBS JJ!  I think my cold (on round 3) is FINALLY ending.  I'm hoping hoping HOPING!!

This was a really long week.  Everyone is saying it.  Glad we get the weekend now!  JJ how is work going overall?  Are you all adapting ok?

EM - Be gentle with yourself.  I could see myself jumping up all mama bear if my child was being threatened, even by his daddy.  I HAVE to stop undermining DH.  While he isn't violent, he's manipulative, and it triggers me about my childhood.  This book I'm reading, How to Stop Yelling by Laura Markham is hitting so many nails on heads.  I'm overwhelmed with sadness and triggers from my childhood, and I see them a little more clearly now. An example.  Nora will ask DH to play with her.  His response, "I will, if you let me put you to bed tonight."  or "Sure.  If you tell me you love me."  OMG it makes my skin literally CRAWL.  Sometimes he is even more nasty.  If she is throwing a fit or upset, he will just say, "Stop NOW or I'll leave you in here.  Do you want to be alone?"

Last night I was making dinner, and they were playing together.  They love to do physical rough-house type play.  He was holding her and pretending to drop her, and she was laughing hysterically, saying, "do it again!"  So he did it a bunch of times, then he needed a rest.  She was like, "One more time!" and he said, "Ok, I'll do it again IF you let me put you to bed tonight."  She frowned.  I stepped in and said, "Daddy, that doesn't make much sense.  Don't put an ultimatum on playing with your daughter," and he got mad.  He was like, "I really don't even want to hear it from you."  

So a moment or so later, I apologized and said I was wrong to step in.  But I did explain that it was a huge trigger from when I was little to hear I'll do X if you do Y.  I feel like it's an unfair way to treat a child. I said I wanted him to think hard about it before doing it again, but that I get that my issues are MY issues and I'll try to stop butting in while he is being his own parent.  He said he was sorry and understood, and didn't realize.  I hope he stops doing it.  It's really hard for me to see/hear.  

EM or anyone here is the book if you're interested.  It's REALLY helping me not to yell.  http://www.amazon.com/Peaceful-Parent-Happy-Kids-Connecting/dp/0399160280/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1357990457&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+stop+yelling+laura+markham

Ok so help me process something.

Nora's school does summer camp and I was kind of banking on her going, at least a few days a week.  I found out yesterday it's really $$$.  It's more than her normal tuition (which I suppose I should have thought, but didn't), and if anything, she'd prob only do 1/2 the summer.  The letter they sent home doesn't tell me how much it costs for half a session, BUT it says it's only for ages 5-10.  She won't be 5.  I first have to find out if she can even attend!  Then find out the cost for 1/2 the summer.

And then I have to think about if she's going to preschool another year, or if she's ready for kindergarten.  If this IS my last summer with her, Idk if I even WANT to send her to camp a few days a week.

And then we might move and she'll need to switch schools anyway, and that for some reason is making me really sad.  Will she do prek 4 in another preschool again (as a 5 year old b/c she turns 5 in october) or will she go to kindy next fall in a new district?

I have so many unknowns and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I drove past one house yesterday and ruled it out.  chris is going to start laying tile today!  Hopefully he gets it mostly (or all!!!) done!

[MarineWife]

JJ ~ I hope you feel better soon. I saw on the news yesterday that there saying there is a flu epidemic in Massachusetts.

EM ~ I had a similar thing happened with my dh and my oldest (who is not my dh's child). DS was yelling at me and dh thought he called me a bitch. DH grabbed ds by the shirt, pinned him against, got right in his face and told him in a very nasty, angry, threatening voice to never talk to me like that again. I stepped in and don't regret it one bit. The really sad part about all of that was that my dh didn't even say what dh thought he did. I would step in any time that I was afraid my dh might hurt my child. If I'm afraid, I can't imagine how scared my child must be and it's my job to protect him from anyone and everyone. If I don't, I am undermining myself with my child. He will not trust my love and protection as much anymore.

You are not undermining your dh by stepping in when he's out of control like that. Yes, I consider that type of behavior from a parent as out of control. Anytime an adult puts their hands on a child in anger or in a threatening way, the adult is out of control. Your dh is undermining himself by losing control like that. That's his responsibility, not yours. The only thing he is teaching your son is that might makes right, that it's ok to use physical force to intimidate others and make them do what you want.

I, personally, think the same principle applies to an adult (Dad or Mom) who attaches strings to behaviors that they should do just because they love their children, like playing with them. I agree, Carrie, that it is wrong for Chris to say things like that to Nora. I don't blame her for frowning when he says things like that. It is better to talk about things like that when the children aren't around. Explain why you think what he is doing is a problem and give him ideas of what he could say/do instead. Of course, you have to make sure he's open to listening to you. If he immediately gets defensive, there's no point in trying to talk to him. In that case, you can tell him that you'd like to talk about that and ask him when he'll have time. Then he won't feel like he's being ambushed. Or, you could write it down.

You could suggest to your dh that, if your ds does anything like that again, your dh could gently but firmly remove your ds from the situation. Take him in another room or for a car ride and stay with him or very close. Wait until everyone has cooled down and talk about the situation. Let your ds express all of his anger and other emotions without judgment or recrimination as long as he can stay calm about it. If he starts to get upset and agitated again, you or your dh can ask him to calm down, slow down, take a few deep breaths or take a break until he feels calm again. After your ds has told you or your dh everything, you guys can help him learn other ways to express his anger or frustration or whatever it is.

WRT my dh saying he finally got how I'm feeling from our counseling session, yes, it is frustrating that he didn't get it until then considering I've always told him how I feel. However, the idea of him finally getting it one way or the other is good. But, he still didn't understand me. He took me saying that being a mother is a big part of my life and who I am right now as meaning that I see myself only as a mother. That is extremely frustrating, especially since he wasn't even going to check with me on that. He wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't asked.

We're going to be cleaning and getting ready for Ethan's party. It's a Lego theme so I ordered a cake that is going to look like two stacked Lego pieces. So Cool! We couldn't get the cake Ethan wanted because it would have cost close to $100!

Still moving along with the refi. The decision about which company to go with was made for us. The first one was going to require us to bring about $1700 in cash to closing, which we do not have, so they are out. I'm so glad I called the 2nd one at the last minute. They are giving us a better deal with no cash at closing. Our total mortgage will go up, which sucks, but our monthly payment will go down by about $400. That will make it a lot more easy for us to either rent the house so we can all go to VA or to maintain two households if Sean has to go by himself.

I don't get why the first company needs all these fees and closing costs. They are the ones who hold our original mortgage. Why do they need to collect fees for title transfer when they already hold the title? Or for flood determination when they did that when I applied to the original mortgage? Seems like just a scam to collect money, which is one reason why I hate them and am glad we were able to find a different company to refi with.

[Baby_Cakes]

I thought you were going to try to make the cake!  What happened??  

I don't know much about refinancing (or buying new) but those closing costs etc sound ridiculous.  Especially since you are already with that company.  Good you found a better option!

I've been looking into the doula cert again, and now Chris says he thinks I should go thru DONA.  I'm just not convinced it's worth all the extra time/money.  Thoughts?

[onetwoten]

I did my training through DONA and really enjoyed it, but I didn't like the restrictions they placed on their doulas. This was several years ago though, they may have changed, I know they've changed some of the requirements for certification- I think they require breastfeeding courses and that now. What was the other organization you were thinking of?

Still feeling so crappy here. But DH let me sleep for almost two hours this afternoon. I think that's only happened maybe twice since Tenley was born, that he's taken her so that I could get some alone sleeping time. I mean sure I've slept with her during the day, but never alone for more than 20 minutes at a time or so, and usually while I can hear them playing in the background. It was really nice and I really needed it. Hoping I can get some good sleep tonight, but she went down at 745 and has already been up 3 times in less than 2 hours. 

[MarineWife]

I don't know anything about the different doula certifications but DONA is the only one I recognize.

We were going to try to make the cake if we couldn't find anyone else who could. Trish found someone who says she can make the two tiered rectangular cake that looks like Lego pieces and she even does fondant (although, most of the cake will have buttercream frosting). I just hope it tastes good because I wasn't able to sample any of her cakes. Oh, I found some building block candy pieces at TRU today so I got those for the goodie bags.

[EuroMama]

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Edited by EuroMama - 1/29/13 at 10:12pm

[EuroMama]

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Edited by EuroMama - 1/29/13 at 10:12pm

[AnnieA]

You guys, I'm just devastated. My friend's baby that died this morning, she was a few weeks older than Ava. She was in the NICU next to Ava. She had had a rough go of it but she was doing well, relatively speaking. They were making plans for her next surgery to happen in a few months. She was fine yesterday. Dead this morning. My friend's strength and grace continues to amaze me. She is a warrior through and through.

[MarineWife]

I am so sorry, Annie. I saw that on Facebook.

EM ~ I think that's normal for boys that age. We went through the same thing with my oldest. My dh had a hard time with it because he said he had never seen boys cry like that. I think boys hold it in in front of others. That's why it's so surprising to those of us with boys when they start that. But, boys go through the same type of hormonal changes as girls do so it seems strange that we expect them to react differently. Ethan just turned 9 and he has started doing the same type of thing. The other night he was bawling his eyes out because he couldn't fall asleep, not because he didn't want to go to bed or sleep. I didn't know what to do about that other than just be there with him.

I yell a lot, too. I think it's understandable sometimes if you are just trying to be heard. The idea that if you talk quietly, the kids would quiet down to hear you never worked for me. Yelling when I'm angry isn't ok, though. I've been trying to change that for years and it's really difficult. Honestly, I don't think I've made much progress. Everyone says you just have to make a commitment to stop. When you feel yourself getting ready to yell, shut your mouth, walk away, breathe. None of that seems to work for me. My mouth opens up and starts yelling, it seems, before I even realize what's happening.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

I don't know anything about the different doula certifications but DONA is the only one I recognize.

Like literally recognize or the only one you would trust?

Originally Posted by AnnieA 

You guys, I'm just devastated. My friend's baby that died this morning, she was a few weeks older than Ava. She was in the NICU next to Ava. She had had a rough go of it but she was doing well, relatively speaking. They were making plans for her next surgery to happen in a few months. She was fine yesterday. Dead this morning. My friend's strength and grace continues to amaze me. She is a warrior through and through.

I'm so sorry.  It's just heartbreaking.    Having a child the same age makes it virtually impossible to ignore the grief.  It seems so unfair.    We are here for you.  Keeping your friends and their fighter in my heart.

Originally Posted by MarineWife 
When you feel yourself getting ready to yell, shut your mouth, walk away, breathe. None of that seems to work for me. My mouth opens up and starts yelling, it seems, before I even realize what's happening.

What works for me (b/c I was truly in a bad place with the losing my temper) was realizing no lesson will be learned while I'm yelling.  So if I'm so MAD that I can't teach the lesson rationally, it needs to wait for another time.

I still lose it sometimes when Nora hurts Finn or is horsing around and hurts me.  Those are probably the only two instances where I just can't control my reflex to yell.  BUT I do simmer down much quicker.

We had a HUGE milestone today.   You all know how she refuses to let Chris help with anything, and won't leave the house with him.  I've been thinking a lot about this lately, about how I just need to be more firm.  I truly feel like her clinginess isn't good for either of us.  In the past, once she protests, I let it go.  If she cries, I said it wasn't worth it.  But.  It's gotten so out of hand.  So we decided we need to be fair but firm with errands and with bedtime.

So today, Nora went with chris to home depot and harbor freight. It was a struggle and there were tears. once I firmly announced she was going with him, she burst into tears and hid under the table. 
she was crying and saying no, no! im too scared I'll miss you mommy. 
I stayed calm and firm. I said I know you'll miss me. I'll miss you too. 
I just calmly told her to come out from under the table and she did. I held her in my lap to put her shoes on. she was upset. but I said to her it's just like school, you're fine at school, and this time you'll be with daddy. it'll be a quick trip. I need you to help daddy find what he needs. 
she got her doll. asked me too buckle her in the car. by that time the tears were over, and she was fine.

She went and had FUN!  They laughed and had an adventure together for the first time in a LONG time.  I can't even remember the last time they went out together.  It's been that long.

[MarineWife]

Carrie ~ tell me the others and i'll tell you if i recognize them. DONA is the only one i know i've heard.

It's good that Nora had fun once she was out with Chris, but what was the reason for making her go in the first place? I guess I'm just not getting why she needed to go on those kinds of errands. If I were going on errands like that, I'd much rather go by myself then have to drag a kid along.

I think I have a few minutes to post something I've been thinking about wrt the child who is so angry that he's yelling at his parents. If/when that is me, I try to go back over whatever happened and see if there were things I could have done differently so that my child would not have gotten to that point. Was I being reasonable? Was I listening to him when he first protested or wanted to have some input? Was I pushing something that was so important that it was worth causing that kind of rift in my relationship with him.

A recent example from here. Kellen was playing a game on the computer. It was late, 10:30 or so, I think. We announced that it was time for bed. Kellen protested because he didn't want to play his game. I think there was some back and forth between him and dh. I'm not sure because I wasn't paying full attention. Next thing I knew Kellen was crying and refusing to go to bed. Finally, I stopped what I was doing and asked what was so important because he could play the game again the next day. He explained that he was almost to the end of the game and had enough points to earn something but if he stopped then he would lose it all and have to start all over again the next day. I decided going to bed right at that time wasn't that important. I could wait another 15-30 minutes so he could finish the mission or whatever it was he was doing. He played until he got what he wanted to get and then we went up to bed happily.

I was very tired but I wouldn't have gotten to sleep any sooner if I had insisted he stop playing and go to bed earlier. I would have had to deal with forcibly making him stop and carrying upstairs. He most likely would have continued to cry, which I can't sleep through. I'm sure you all know that nothing short of duct taping his mouth and shutting him in closet in another part of the house would have gotten him to be quiet (which I'm sure you all know would never even be an option ). If the point was to get everyone to bed as soon as possible, it actually made more sense to let him finish what he was doing.

I hope all of that makes sense. My thoughts always seem to profound in my head but seem to be missing something when I try to write them out on here.

I think Dylan is sick again. He threw up all over me last night right after we went to bed. He hasn't thrown up today but he feels a little warm and is more fussy and clingy than usual.

[AnnieA]

I try really hard not to yell. It's tough though because with 7 people in a small house, things get loud quick and sometimes I have to raise my voice just to be heard over the din. But it's always a work in progress.

Baby_Cakes, the thing that is most confusing to me about your DH's "ultimatums" to your DD is that they don't make sense. Like how does roughhousing have anything to do with bedtime? I can only imagine how confusing that must be to Nora. Is he receptive to talking through it when not in the heat of the moment? Does he acknowledge that he does it and it's a problem? That's the first step IMO.

Camp/school stuff: So I'm typically not a big fan of summer camp stuff that lasts all summer. When we've had the cash, I usually let the kids pick out one summer activity and around here, they last for a week. So DSS 12 did lacrosse camp one summer. It was mornings only and lasted for a week. We have so many awesome, free, fun activities for the kids to do at the library plus other places around town that I hate to schedule them for a camp that lasts all or most of summer, you know? What is the cut-off birthday for kindy admission in your area? Where I live, the child has to turn 5 by Sept 30 to start kindergarten in August.

[AnnieA]

Baby_Cakes, I'm glad that Nora had fun when she went out with DH. Have you and your DH discussed building in a set time every weekend or one night a week where YOU leave the house and he's in charge? How long can Finn go without nursing? I'm thinking something like every Saturday or every other Saturday, you leave the house from say 10 AM-3 PM. Then Daddy would be in charge. He would get lunch, maybe take them for a walk. She needs to see that he's competent and he can take care of her. He is her father. He can do it.

MW, I agree totally with how you handled stuff with K. We used to always have issues with the kids playing their DS in the car and then not being ready when it was time to get out to go in a store. Finally, I asked the right question and figured out that they were dragging their feet because they had to get to a certain point before they could save and not lose all their work. OK, makes sense. They just didn't know to tell me that. So I learned to modify my behavior. I would give them a 5-10 min warning before we got to our destination so they could get to a point to save their work.

AFM, my friend just posted the last picture taken with her and her baby. It was after A had passed, right before she left the ER. Crushed. I'm so sad for her that I'm sick to my stomach. I want to attend the service to support her and celebrate A's life but I honestly don't know how I would make it through.