January 2013 Rockstar Mamas - Page 3

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

Carrie ~ tell me the others and i'll tell you if i recognize them. DONA is the only one i know i've heard.

It's good that Nora had fun once she was out with Chris, but what was the reason for making her go in the first place? I guess I'm just not getting why she needed to go on those kinds of errands. If I were going on errands like that, I'd much rather go by myself then have to drag a kid along.

I think Dylan is sick again. He threw up all over me last night right after we went to bed. He hasn't thrown up today but he feels a little warm and is more fussy and clingy than usual.

I was thinking of going thru CBI (Childbirth International).  There's a bunch of different places/groups that certify that all bascially require similar things.  It seems DONA is more hospital friendly (as most nurses will cert thru DONA) and each birth you attend for obtaining your cert needs to be approved/signed off by the OB or MW.  CBI also doesn't require you to take any workshops out of town.  I'm nervous to leave for a weekend for a workshop while I still have a nursling.  

Ok - bear with me.  It may seem silly or unnecessary but with her not accepting Chris at all it's exhausting.  He always invites her to go, she throws a fit and yells mean things (I HATE Daddy!  I don't LIKE him!  I only love Mommy!)  It's part of our plan to get her to stop rejecting him completely.  as it is she refuses to let him help her with anything (meals, clothes, potty, bath, getting food/drink, bedtime, etc).  We've mostly just let her have her say.  As soon as she got upset, I would back down, say it isn't worth it, and he would go off again (on an errand and not taking a kid with...)

But...I don't feel good about it.  I feel like she is so clingy to me and needy.  And her rudeness toward DH is just...it needs to stop.  I suppose she's entitled to her feelings and I don't want to disregard them.  But I also feel like there needs to be some balance.

That and he really needs to spend more time with her.  They barely have any time together, and I think that's a huge part of her disapproval of him.  B/w his travel and all, she sometimes forgets if he's home or not, and I don't like that.  I want them to have a good relationship, and I think encouraging time together is one step toward that.

Oh no about Dylan.  Feel better little man!!

Originally Posted by AnnieA 

I try really hard not to yell. It's tough though because with 7 people in a small house, things get loud quick and sometimes I have to raise my voice just to be heard over the din. But it's always a work in progress.

Baby_Cakes, the thing that is most confusing to me about your DH's "ultimatums" to your DD is that they don't make sense. Like how does roughhousing have anything to do with bedtime? I can only imagine how confusing that must be to Nora. Is he receptive to talking through it when not in the heat of the moment? Does he acknowledge that he does it and it's a problem? That's the first step IMO.

Camp/school stuff: So I'm typically not a big fan of summer camp stuff that lasts all summer. When we've had the cash, I usually let the kids pick out one summer activity and around here, they last for a week. So DSS 12 did lacrosse camp one summer. It was mornings only and lasted for a week. We have so many awesome, free, fun activities for the kids to do at the library plus other places around town that I hate to schedule them for a camp that lasts all or most of summer, you know? What is the cut-off birthday for kindy admission in your area? Where I live, the child has to turn 5 by Sept 30 to start kindergarten in August.

Oh that's a good idea.  Maybe I can find something and put both kids in for the morning a few days a week!  food for thought!

He does talk to me about it when it's not in the moment.  We did talk about it and he understands now.  I just hope he can see it when it happens and keep himself from doing it!

The cutoff for my district is 5 by Oct 1st.  Her bday is Oct 2.  

[Baby_Cakes]

The other part was that I have huge issues stemming from my childhood that whenever I felt mad or sad or upset or scared, I was told to just shut up and get over it, stop being a baby, grow up.  So I'm extremely sensitive to when Nora freaks and is like "I don't want to do that with Daddy! I don't like him!"  I feel like her feelings are valid and I don't want to make her feel unheard.  But, possibly to a fault.  So, I talked to a few friends about it and they all gave me the advice that as long as I acknowledge her feelings and say I understand, but this is what is going to happen, it's being fair but firm.

[AnnieA]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

I think Dylan is sick again. He threw up all over me last night right after we went to bed. He hasn't thrown up today but he feels a little warm and is more fussy and clingy than usual.

Oh no! Does he have a runny nose? Ava gets choked up on mucus and saliva when she's teething, which she's doing now, and that will make her vomit. She drank so much milk last night before bed, I was convinced I wasn't getting her down without being covered at least once in vomit. But she went down ok.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

Ok - bear with me.  It may seem silly or unnecessary but with her not accepting Chris at all it's exhausting.  He always invites her to go, she throws a fit and yells mean things (I HATE Daddy!  I don't LIKE him!  I only love Mommy!)  It's part of our plan to get her to stop rejecting him completely.  as it is she refuses to let him help her with anything (meals, clothes, potty, bath, getting food/drink, bedtime, etc).  We've mostly just let her have her say.  As soon as she got upset, I would back down, say it isn't worth it, and he would go off again (on an errand and not taking a kid with...)
But...I don't feel good about it.  I feel like she is so clingy to me and needy.  And her rudeness toward DH is just...it needs to stop.  I suppose she's entitled to her feelings and I don't want to disregard them.  But I also feel like there needs to be some balance.
That and he really needs to spend more time with her.  They barely have any time together, and I think that's a huge part of her disapproval of him.  B/w his travel and all, she sometimes forgets if he's home or not, and I don't like that.  I want them to have a good relationship, and I think encouraging time together is one step toward that.

I get you needing a break sometimes. I ask my dh to take one or two or sometimes all the kids with him when he runs errands just because. But, none of them gets upset over that. If they really don't want to go, we don't make them.

I understand your concern but I'm afraid you might not get the result you want. She may eventually stop getting upset about going places with Chris but it may be because she knows she has to rather than because she wants to be with him. KWIM? If you guys really want her to want to be with him, I think he needs to do more with her that she wants to do when she wants to do it without any strings attached.

It's normal for a young child to say things like they hate someone or don't like them but not really mean it. They don't quite understand what that means. They don't understand the long-term implications of what they are saying. Have you talked to her about why she says that? Just let her tell you. Don't comment on anything she says.

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

TSo, I talked to a few friends about it and they all gave me the advice that as long as I acknowledge her feelings and say I understand, but this is what is going to happen, it's being fair but firm.

I get this and, if you truly need a break, then insist and do it the way did. That sounded like a gentle, caring way of handling it on your part. However, I wouldn't create arbitrary outings for her to go on with Chris just to get her to do it because of what I've said above.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by AnnieA 

Oh no! Does he have a runny nose? Ava gets choked up on mucus and saliva when she's teething, which she's doing now, and that will make her vomit. She drank so much milk last night before bed, I was convinced I wasn't getting her down without being covered at least once in vomit. But she went down ok.

no runny nose but he does have a hacking cough. i thought it might've been mucous from that or possibly that he got hold of a bag of chocolates without anyone knowing. the slight fever today is what has mean thinking he's really sick. he's noticeably warm to the touch. one of our homeschool families came down with something like the flu last week just a few days after we hung out with them at chik-fil-a. it sounded a lot like the flu.

[Baby_Cakes]

ITA.  And I'm def coming from a place of love on this.  I'm not trying to be a bully or push her off or anything.  Outings are things they USED to do together, and they do have fun when they go.  And it seems like they had a really good time.  It's like she's forgotten he's pretty cool.  It's like she needs to be reminded. 

I would love for her to be able to choose if she wants to go or doesn't.  Right now she's paralyzed by either fear or disdain for him.  She isn't looking objectively at, "Hey do I want to go to that place?" and deciding no, she'd rather not.  She's thinking, "OMG I don't like him!" 

These are fun places.  Not the DMV for 3 hours.  Home depot is awesome for kids.  And she loves Target.  Her refusal to go is to go with him and not to the place.

I'll try to think of things they can do together that are more for her.  That's a good point, too.  Thanks. 

Her explanation is only and always b/c she will miss me.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 


no runny nose but he does have a hacking cough. i thought it might've been mucous from that or possibly that he got hold of a bag of chocolates without anyone knowing. the slight fever today is what has mean thinking he's really sick. he's noticeably warm to the touch. one of our homeschool families came down with something like the flu last week just a few days after we hung out with them at chik-fil-a. it sounded a lot like the flu.

Just coughing might be enough to cause him to puke.  But the fever is no fun and flu is even worse!  Sending get well soon vibes!

Lauri - was thinking, did you friends LO have TOF or did she have a different condition?  

[AnnieA]

Baby_Cakes, she had something called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. She was definitely a lot more sick overall than Ava but she was doing relatively well. Her condition requires 3 surgeries in the first 3-4 years of life and they were gearing up for her second surgery. She was doing well. And then she just died this morning. The first responders worked on her for three hours before they called it. She fought so hard.

MW, or anyone else, have you guys ever given elderberry syrup to your kids for immune support? I was reading about it last night and it seems to be a good alternative to the flu vaccine. Thinking about picking some up for me, DH and Ava to take.

[MarineWife]

I tried to get the boys to take elderberry syrup but they said it was nasty and refused. I'd give it a try if yours will take it.

Carrie ~ What has changed that cause Nora to stop wanting to do things with Chris? You think it's just because he's gone so much?

[Baby_Cakes]

I've never offered it daily but my kids both liked Sambucol every time I've bought it and given it to them when they're sick.  I'd say try it!  Can't hurt!! I think I might actually pick some up too for me and chris and let the kids have it too.  They've both had flu shots (duck ) but there are always strains not in the vaccine.

Oh poor baby.  I've heard of HLHS, I have a mama from my 08 DDC whose son was born with that.  Oh that's just so sad.   

MW I think it's a lot of things, all of which we're working on.  It's him being away, his attitude/ultimatums, his lack of tools when he gets mad.  I also think a lot of it has to do with my feelings towards him.  When he and I are getting along well, she is more open to him.  When he and I are at odds, even if we don't intentionally show it, she picks up on that.

Lately we've been really making an effort and she's "caught" us kissing a few times, and we are trying to show more affection.  I think her seeing all this is helpful, and she doesn't view him as a threat or an enemy (mine or hers).

Oh - can we talk about funny things our kids say?  I've been touching on family titles lately, like teaching her DH is my husband and I'm his wife.  another example, Mia is her cousin and my niece.  Etc Etc.  .  As an aside thing, whenever we watch movies and two people/characters kiss, we say "Look they're falling in love!!"

So the other day it goes..

"Who is daddy to me?'

"Your husband."
"Who is grandma to daddy?"

"His mother."

"Who is grandma to me?"

...thinks...

"Your mother-in-love!"

Ha!  It was so cute, and I think I like that better!  LOL!

Hope everyone had a good weekend!  We did.  Lots of fun and the house is absolutely trashed!  No plans as of yet for the day but it's early!!  What's everyone doing this week?

[akind1]

Carrie - I resort to bribes - LOL - the only time Gabe HAS to go with DH is on their weekly "date" to kindermusik and lunch. Now Gabe gets a lollipop for the car. Otherwise it was crying, kicking and screaming the whole way, but he's fine once he gets there. DH really likes that solo time with Gabe, and wants to add a day to do similiar things with just Norah. I'd love to do that too, so we each have a solo date with each kid once a week, but it's been hard to implement.

Having that 1x1 time has been so good for both of them. Gabe still really likes me, but he goes up to and snuggles DH more, and asks dh to do things for and with him that he didn't before. DH was really hurt by his all the time mommy preference I think. So it was worth the effort, and the bribe, to help foster that relationship. I know that eventually Gabe might have loosened his grip on me on my own, but we felt it did no harm and it helps so much to encourage that along.

Norah, OTOH, doesn't really have a strong preference one way or the other, most days. Yesterday she was all me all the time. But usually she happily goes with either of us.

Annie - I'm sorry to hear about Ava's buddy. That is so unexpected and sad! 

Carrie - I've heard of DONA and one other . . .when I was doing my research into doula-ism a while back. As a doula client, I don't have a strong preference either way  - I think certification/training should be expected, especially given what some doula's charge. Cappa and Childbirth International sound familiar in the google search.

Another baby in my newsfeed born this morning! I need to get crocheting for this man.

[AnnieA]

Baby_Cakes, that's so cute about mother in love! Kids are so funny! The added info about Nora and your DH is very insightful in my opinion. If it were me, I would launch a "We love Daddy" campaign, but not tell Nora that's what you are doing. Hello and goodbye kisses between you and DH. Let Nora hear you praise him, to his face, to others, to Nora. You leave the house and let DH be in charge. No instructions given to him in front of Nora, no admonitions to Nora for her to be good for Daddy or listen to Daddy. Just an "I love you. Have fun with Daddy. See you in a couple of hours."

akind1, you better get cracking! I'm still in denial that your pregnancy is almost over too!

AFM, we're headed to the library this morning for Mother Goose storytime. Ava has her 18 month WBV on Friday. Not sure what else we'll do this week. Maybe go see my goddaughter/Ava's old sitter. I'm still just absolutely sick for my friend. When I pulled up to my house last night, I broke down again thinking about her having to leave her DD at the hospital yesterday and come home without her. I wish I could do something or say something to help but I know there's nothing to take away that pain.

[MarineWife]

Carrie ~ That is adorable! I like that better, too.

I'm remembering now there was a time when Ethan didn't want to go places with Sean. I think Ethan was around 4. A lot of it ended up having to do with Sean's unrealistic expectations of how Ethan should behave. Ethan would get upset that Sean wouldn't buy him a candy and start screaming and crying in the store. Sean would get embarrassed by Ethan's behavior and get angry. We talked about it and things got better. I think Sean's ultimate solution was to buy Ethan candy, which is fine with me but I find it interesting that he couldn't come up with any other solutions. I've talked to Sean ad nauseum about how it ultimately doesn't matter how other people, especially complete strangers in a store that he'll probably never see to recognize again, think of us. He's too concerned with what others think.

I think it is important for you to build Chris up in her eyes rather than knocking him down. I've realized I do that to Sean and it's not good. I'm trying to stop it. I have a habit of mumbling about how stupid he is under my breath over little things. I don't know why I get so annoyed by the stuff. I know, rationally, that it's not important but it drives me crazy!

I also think, though, that it's ultimately Chris' responsibility to behave in a way that makes Nora want to be with him, not the other way around. Chris is the grown up and the parent. He has all the power and responsibility in the relationship. Nora is a very young child who is just learning how to be in this world. It's up to Chris (and you to some extent) to show her that he's safe and fun and loves her no matter what. I had to say that to Sean a lot wrt to how he acted toward Ryan. I'd ask him who the grown up was then tell him to act like it. I don't want to hear any of that, "Well, he did this to me," crap from Sean. That's just silly from a grown man. I still do that sometimes. He has definitely gotten better but still falls back on that sometimes.

[onetwoten]

Originally Posted by AnnieA 

If it were me, I would launch a "We love Daddy" campaign, but not tell Nora that's what you are doing. Hello and goodbye kisses between you and DH. Let Nora hear you praise him, to his face, to others, to Nora. You leave the house and let DH be in charge. No instructions given to him in front of Nora, no admonitions to Nora for her to be good for Daddy or listen to Daddy. Just an "I love you. Have fun with Daddy. See you in a couple of hours."

I'm still just absolutely sick for my friend. When I pulled up to my house last night, I broke down again thinking about her having to leave her DD at the hospital yesterday and come home without her. I wish I could do something or say something to help but I know there's nothing to take away that pain.

That sounds like a good plan! And I do agree with you encouraging them to strengthen their relationship. It's one of those things that's cyclical- the more time she spends with him, the more she'll be comfortable and eager to spend time with him. But if there's no first step, then she'll continue hating spending time with him. If you were all good with that, then that's fine. But it's obviously upsetting your DH, and you're starting to feel overwhelmed with it too, so I think it's totally reasonable to acknowledge her feelings in a loving way, and then still encourage her to go. Especially if, as you said, you know she has fun once she's out there. 

Annie-- I can't imagine. *hugs* Take time to process it for yourself too. 

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

I've talked to Sean ad nauseum about how it ultimately doesn't matter how other people, especially complete strangers in a store that he'll probably never see to recognize again, think of us. He's too concerned with what others think.

DH does this too. He grew up in a home where they were told "We don't have a lot of money, but we can have our appearances." And that was --drilled-- into them. The world could be falling down around them, but they're all about the appearance of normalcy, nothing wrong, never a feather ruffled. DH's sister attempted suicide when she was younger, and they lied to everyone and said it was food poisoning, and then yelled at her for causing a scene.  So yes, that has definitely carried on into our lives, both before kids, and now. Even if we're out shopping and I happen to be talking loud, DH gets all worried. I'm like really?? Nobody cares!! And I don't care! I have no idea who they are, and will never see them again. But it's been ingrained in him since birth, and that's hard to break free of. He does it now with Ten too. Better now that she's older, but when she was a tiny babe, if she would even make a peep in public, he would be rushing to finish what we were doing and race back to the car, while I was more like, yeah... she's crying. She's a baby. Obviously I'll worry if she's outright blue faced screaming, but in the meantime, people can deal!!

AFM- Feeling a bit better here, but still keep getting dizzy/nauseus spells. Not fun. And the house is a mess, so I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I think I'm going to clean up the kitchen, and then Ten and I are going to go to the library, and then to the store. We need more fruits and veggies, and it'll kill some time looking around the store a bit. She likes the cart. 

[akind1]

JJ: dizzy/nauseous spells? are you drinking enough? where in your cycle are you? (because you know this POAS chicken is a serious POAS pusher) LOL

While yeah, I don't care what other people think, I do think, when we can, it's good to be considerate of a public environment. Screaming and yelling hurts people's ears and just makes life generally unpleasant for other people (and myself) so I try to encourage a quieter tone in public. Running around the store . . depend on the crowd. If it's pretty quiet, and the kids stay within sight, I let them roam a bit. If it's crowded, I ask that Gabe stay close by and watch out for other people. I don't care what they think of my parenting - it's more to do with safety. Same thing with restaurants, I try to judge the crowd - some people don't mind my toddler making faces at them over the seat of the booth, other people are peeved. If the neighbors are enjoying the entertainment, I don't care if the kids socialize a bit. If they look annoyed, I would try to let them eat in peace. (though honestly, I've not yet gotten that reaction . . . most people don't mind at all)

And yeah, I totally don't bother washing faces or combing kids' hair before we go out . . . it seems like a useless excersise.

I totally agree with building DH up. It's my biggest . . . well one of them  . . . pet peeves with MIL - she's constantly berating and putting down FIL in front of the kids. they both adore FIL, and sooner or later that stuff is going to hit home, and I think they'd choose his side over hers. And she'll regret that. I would rather it not get to that point.

[onetwoten]

Bahahahaha !! No no, the sickness started the day I'm pretty sure I o'ed, but there's been some nasty flus around here lately. Rob had one about a week and a half ago an was completely out of comiss ion for like 2 days. I never get illnesses as bad as him, but I'm pretty sure this is my version of that.

[MarineWife]

Yeah, being considerate of others in public is a good idea. Like if your kid is crying in a movie theater, leave. But don't get all angry and upset with the kid for being upset because you're embarrassed that your child doesn't know how to "behave" in public.

My kids aren't allowed to run around in public places or yell or talk nasty or anything like that. They know that and are usually pretty well behaved. Kellen is more difficult to manage because he is so high energy. He usually goes in a cart, sometimes buckled if he won't sit still. One thing that used to get me was that Sean would complain that Kellen always wanted to be carried to and in the store because he was too tired to walk. Well, put him in cart. :doh How hard is that?

JJ ~ The caring so much about what others think is really hard for me to get. I honestly don't care that much. I mean, sometimes I worry or get upset if I think someone doesn't like me if I think about it too much but I usually get over that pretty quickly. Sean seems to take it to an extreme where he will do whatever to please the stranger at the expense of his own family.

Personally, I think that in almost any situation, we need to stick up for our family and our kids. If we don't, who else will? I would continue to love and support my child even if he did something very horrible. That doesn't mean I would like it or excuse it or condone or allow it to happen again if I could stop it, but I'm not going to throw my child under the bus because my neighbor doesn't like him. KWIM?

[AnnieA]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 

Kellen is more difficult to manage because he is so high energy.

I know that everyone's perceptions are different as well as tolerance levels but every time you describe K as "high energy", it makes me giggle a bit because from what I saw in Williamsburg, he's a pretty chilled out dude compared to my older four. I should send my two DSSs down to spend the weekend with you. They are so high energy they practically vibrate. The girls have grown out of it some but man, when they are excited about something, watch out! My DSS 17 will come home from running 10 miles and still do laps between the kitchen and living room because he has excess energy. The only time I've ever worn them out was a day trip to DC. They wanted to walk from the Natural History museum to the Lincoln Memorial. They started lagging just past the Washington Monument and I had to ply them with Jolly Ranchers to keep them moving.

[MarineWife]

Originally Posted by AnnieA 

I know that everyone's perceptions are different as well as tolerance levels but every time you describe K as "high energy", it makes me giggle a bit because from what I saw in Williamsburg, he's a pretty chilled out dude compared to my older four. I should send my two DSSs down to spend the weekend with you. They are so high energy they practically vibrate. The girls have grown out of it some but man, when they are excited about something, watch out! My DSS 17 will come home from running 10 miles and still do laps between the kitchen and living room because he has excess energy. The only time I've ever worn them out was a day trip to DC. They wanted to walk from the Natural History museum to the Lincoln Memorial. They started lagging just past the Washington Monument and I had to ply them with Jolly Ranchers to keep them moving.

Hm...Interesting. Maybe it's a difference in how they express or expel the energy?

When we head up to bed, Kellen will jump and bounce and flip and climb his way there. He dances so much while brushing his teeth that I don't think he gets any actual brushing done. He jumps and bounces from one piece of furniture to another in the bedroom like a pinball. We have to physically grab him and carry him to the bathroom and stand with him to get him to be still enough to do anything. Once we lay down to go to sleep, he flips and flops and rolls all around for an hour or more. He whispers and sings to himself, sometimes counting, sometimes just making up little ditties. When the rest of us are sitting in the living room, he's flipping himself upside down, kicking his legs in the air and falling off the seats. He can and will be still to a certain extent if something really interests him but other times he's bouncing off the walls.

I went and helped Ryan get his account with the electric company set up today. It's supposed to be turned on tomorrow. I guess that means they'll be moving out as soon as they have something to sleep on.

[AnnieA]

Originally Posted by MarineWife 


Hm...Interesting. Maybe it's a difference in how they express or expel the energy?

When we head up to bed, Kellen will jump and bounce and flip and climb his way there. He dances so much while brushing his teeth that I don't think he gets any actual brushing done. He jumps and bounces from one piece of furniture to another in the bedroom like a pinball. We have to physically grab him and carry him to the bathroom and stand with him to get him to be still enough to do anything. Once we lay down to go to sleep, he flips and flops and rolls all around for an hour or more. He whispers and sings to himself, sometimes counting, sometimes just making up little ditties. When the rest of us are sitting in the living room, he's flipping himself upside down, kicking his legs in the air and falling off the seats. He can and will be still to a certain extent if something really interests him but other times he's bouncing off the walls.

I went and helped Ryan get his account with the electric company set up today. It's supposed to be turned on tomorrow. I guess that means they'll be moving out as soon as they have something to sleep on.

The fact that what you just described sounds perfectly normal to me should be an indicator of what my house looks like! Was Ethan super relaxed when he was younger? I guess I'm just so used to kids whose bodies are constantly in motion that I don't see it as out of the ordinary. I do know that when I used to nanny twin boys, my mom would always comment how active they were compared to the twin girls she nannied that were a few months younger. We would go together to this outdoor mall area and my nanny boys would run, skip, zig zag, jump, etc. from one location to the next while my mom's nanny girls would walk placidly beside her. I would always wonder what was wrong with them!

I must have missed something....Ryan's moving out?

Oh and guess what? My oldest DSS turns 18 on Thursday...I can hardly believe it! He's going to officially be a grown-up. Yikes!

I meant to post something earlier. When we were at Mother Goose time this morning, the babies were all wandering around before we got started. Ava was across the room calling "Mama, Mama!". I turned to her and said "Ava, I'm over here right now. We're about to get started. Please come join me." She said "Oh." and started heading towards me. One of the other moms said in amazement "You speak to her like a grownup and she understands what you say!". I said "Yes, she understands me but she doesn't always choose to listen!"