Mother in law trouble

[Lovemy2boys25]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 4 years and we have 2 sons together that are 15 months old and 3 months old... About 8 months ago me and my boyfriend had a Huge fallout with his brother and sister in law and we no longer speak to them and we have asked my boyfriends mother to not tell them about our business... But of course she does anyway. When my 3 month old was born she lied and told them the baby had a serious heart condition cause she was hopeing that it would make us talk and become okay again, but me and my boyfriend dont want anything to do with them period and we have told her that multiple times too. When she comes over to see the boys she talks bad about them to us and tells us everything they say about us and then when she goes to their house she talks bad about me and tells them eveything that was said at my house, stuff that was not even about them just stuff going on in my family and stuff... And I just found out today that she told my boyfriends sister in law that she doesn't think my 3 month old is my boyfriends and that he should get a DNA test done and that I should get a job (im a stay at home mom, me and my boyfriend currently don't live together anymore I live with my mon and he lives with him moms boyfriend but his mom doesnt live there) and that I'm lazy (even though I take care of our boys 24/7 he comes over on his 2 days off and helps but other then that its just me taking care of them) and that's its not fair that he has to buy everything for the boys because I don't work so I have no money. All I ask him to buy is diapers and wipes. Oh and bathwash and baby lotion when they run out or something else they may need on occasion but not very often. I don't ask him for any cash at all or nothing like that but hes my boyfriend and the father of my kids and we are 25 years old,p we are adults so I dont see how its her business anyways... I'm really considering cutting her out of their lives completely... which honestly she hardly ever comes and sees them anyways so it wouldn't be much different... but am I wrong for that? How should I handle this situation?

[captain optimism]

If you see her, tell her that, for religious reasons, you are giving up anything connected to gossip, including talking behind people's backs. Tell her you want to hear how she is doing, from her. (You can't rely on your boyfriend's sister-in-law to tell you accurately what your boyfriend's mom said about you, in any case. Right? Isn't this SIL mad at you anyway?)  

If your boyfriend's mom starts in trying to make peace between you and the in-laws, tell her that's very sweet of her, but you really don't want to discuss other people behind their backs, and hope to work this out eventually. You can keep saying "work this out eventually" for a loooooong time. In the meantime, you can have a relationship with the mom, herself, and cut all the drama. 

If you aren't living with this boyfriend, and that persists, you might not have to deal with these complicated relationships in his family. 

(I know, it's probably not part of your religious beliefs to avoid gossip, and maybe you're an atheist. When you say, "for religious reasons," they don't have to be YOUR religious reasons.)

[Lovemy2boys25]

Well supposely she is religious so I dont know why shes gossiping... And I cant say its sweet that she was trying to make us talk cause then she'll probably just try harder and I don't want to talk to them ever... I do not speak to my sister in law, she wrote my friend and told her to tell me whats being said, I think she wants to make up with me and my boyfriend but we don't want to because she said and did things that I just cannot forgive her for... Atleast not yet. But when my MIL was over here me and my mom told her about some things going on in our lifes and she went and told them our business(which I told her not to do because I dont want them to know whats going on in my life good or bad period. They are out of my life so they don't need to know anything about whats going on with me) and I know that for a fact because in the email my SIL wrote my friend she knew everything that we told my MIL about our personal family business and ect... She wrote my friend to tell me not to trust her... And we ve had this problem with her before, several times actually and im just sick of it... she's 2 faced and she plays sides and I can't stand people like that...

[captain optimism]

Most people don't realize how much allowing people to tell you what other people are doing can wreck the relationship. If you have to have a relationship with your children's grandmother, the way to stop being furious with her is to insist on hearing about her from her and about other people from those other people. 

The best way to screw up a family relationship is to allow one person to sit in the middle and control all the threads. It's bad for your relationship with your partner's sister-in-law and it's bad for your relationship with your partner, which sounds kind of strained, but it's also bad for your relationship with the mother-in-law. (Or mother-out-law, not sure what you call the mother of the father of your children who you aren't living with.) She will be nicer to you if you insist on her telling you her own story. This is my been-there-done-that advice. 

Ask her about what your partner was like at your kids' ages. Tell her your kids like Legos (or whatever they like) and ask if her children liked them too.  Make the smallest of small talk and find ways to get the conversation on topics where you don't feel triggered.  Do what you can to honor her positive impulses and redirect her. (That's why I said to tell her she was kind or sweet for wanting you to make up with the other relatives.) 

Ignore anything she says, or is reported to have said, to anyone else. It might be true that she's acting like a blue meanie behind your back, but you have to insist on failing to acknowledge that. (If she says these things to your face, of course, all bets are off--but I'm guessing she won't.) 

[grahamsmom98]

A few questions:

Where are you getting any income to cover your rent, food, medical care?  I am guessing your boyfriend is not paying any child support (buying diapers and wipes is NOT supporting his children)?  

What does your boyfriend say about all this?  Does he tell her it's none of her business and that she needs to keep her mouth closed as regards your life AND that of your boyfriend's siblings?  If not, then maybe you need to realize that his family's (Mom & siblings) opinions and needs come before those of you and his children. 

Your boyfriend's brother and sister-in law, are they married?  What did they say or do that was so awful?

Look at it from your boyfriend's mother's view:  you are living with your Mom and (I'm guessing, as you don't refer to this) not working.  Her son is living with her boyfriend.  Since you are not living with her son, she doesn't see the both of you in any type of committed relationship, especially after 4 years and not living together anymore.  Despite having children together, you live apart from one another, with your "parents", not independently, as a couple.  He comes over a couple of days a week and helps out.  You're 25, in her eyes, you should be living on your own, together, and supporting yourselves (and the children) 100%.  She doesn't see two adults, she sees two children, with children, living off others.   

She's not your mother-in-law.  You're not married, she's your boyfriend's Mom, that's all.

If it causes so much grief for you, tell her to STOP (and, make sure your boyfriend does, as well).  If she continues, tell her you won't allow her to see the grandchildren anymore, and stand firm on this.  But, realize, in doing this, you may be cutting her from your life, and that of the children, forever (be ready to explain this to them when they are older and ask about their grandparents).  You will also be alienating your boyfriend from his family, as he'll need to make his choice of you or them (could you abide his decision?).  Know, too, there is a very good possibility that she will drag your name through the mud.  If you can live with that, be done with her. 

[Lovemy2boys25]

I live with my mom currently and I have medicaid and foodstamps. Me and my boyfriend used to fight a lot so I moved back in fourth between my moms house and her house(he lived with his mom until the whole situation with his brother and sister in law since they live right next door to his mom he moved out) I got tired of me and him fighting so I decided to move back in with my mom and his sister in law who at the time was also my best friend got mad at me because I was her baby sitter and since I moved I couldn't watch her child anymore so she called cps on me and made up lies about me and my mom. Me and my boyfriend get along a lot better now that she is out our lives...oh and his mom buys everything for his brother and sister in laws child diapers wipes ect. She never buys anything for my kids we don't need her to. When cps did their investigation she told them I was a wonderful mother and all this good stuff so I really don't know why she acts the way she does. Like I said when she comes to my house she says all these bad things about my boyfriends sister in law(which I don't care to hear I ususally change the subject) and all their business but then she goes over to their house and talks bad about me and tells them all my business. Shed just playing sides and she's always done this and my boyfriend just tells me to ignore it but I can't. He doesn't care like I do so he doesn't want to be in the middle but at the same time I know if I was rude to her he would get mad at me...