This is going to be long, and it may be in the wrong forum - my apologies in advance. First: an introduction to my situation. I have two beautiful children (DD is almost 6, DS is 2.5) and am 13 weeks pregnant after being told I had too much endometrial scarring to ever conceive again. I divorced my children's father two years ago; this baby's father is a close friend. We are both 100% agreed on adoption being the right choice for us. I'm a full time student, single mom; I've been homeless on and off for over a year and have no contact with my parents or siblings for support, simply put there is no way that I can parent this child.
I've spoken with two agencies. The first felt like they were some sort of baby sales agency, it was honestly really disturbing. The second is nicer, they don't put off a creepy, "let us sell your baby" vibe; however when the father and I met with the social worker today we were very frustrated (okay, *I* was very frustrated) with how many layers of middle men there were between us and the adoptive family, like they really don't want us to get to know them at all. Another big issues is that, no matter what the parents feel is appropriate, they will be forced to vaccinate the baby. As a mom that makes me uncomfortable, I want to know who is raising this child, know that they are similar to myself in their parenting style (not going to circ or make baby CIO, that they will at very least research vaccines extensively and parent gently, etc) because, if I'm being entirely honest, I think that a lot of mainstream parenting is wrong.
I guess in a perfect adoption situation I would meet the family very soon, we would be mutually responsible for decisions made during the pregnancy (ultrasounds, finding out the sex, playing tapes of the adoptive family's voices for the baby so it knows what it's mommy and daddy/daddy and daddy/mommy and mommy sound like, etc...) and I could get a good idea of who they are. When it comes time for birth, I could have a nice crunchy waterbirth at Swedish Covenant, with the parents present as support people. Afterwards the baby will go home with it's parents, I can take a few days to recover before heading back to real life, and we would keep in touch over facebook without being really involved with each other.
Am I crazy to think that this is even remotely possible? I want to do this on my terms so I can look back and not have regrets, and I worry that if I stick with an agency that won't give parents a choice in the vaccine issues or let us really get to know each other, that I will hate myself. Is there anyone out there who can ease a troubled birth-mama's mind? Anyone who can point me toward a couple who has this kind of idea of open adoption?