Help ? Trying to keep baby, husband, and myself happy with cosleeping

[ziasmama]

I'm pretty desperate for some help right now. First off my daughter is 9 months old and has never slept in her crib. For the first four months she slept in the playpen bassinet until she outgrew it, then on top of me on the couch for two months (hell) and then we finally fell into cosleeping. I wasn't really wanting to cosleep but it made my daughter and I sleep alot better, initially.

My husband hates our arrangement and won't sleep in the bed most nights and we are starting to feel a lot of resentment towards each other ( and sadly, I think he feels it towards my daughter). I have tried to convince him to buy a bigger bed ( we have a queen) and put old bed in guest bedroom so if we sleep seperately we can all sleep in a bed. We are a one income household and he doesn't want to spend the money. I used some money I had received for Christmas to buy an air mattress for me and baby to sleep on in guest bedroom but then read that was a no no ( husband wont sleep on air mattress, refuses). He also does not want to help me with gentle sleep training to get the baby in her crib and I am too exhausted to do it alone after caring for baby all day and night and cleaning and cooking.

Any ideas ? I'm afraid we are going to get a divorce if we don't get something worked out. Thank you.

[rnra]

To reach a solution, I think you need to have a candid discussion with your husband regarding exactly why he is uncomfortable with the co-sleeping arrangement.  Finding out the answer to that question will help lead you towards solutions.

Is he worried about crushing the baby/rolling over on her?

Does he feel like there is a lack of intimacy between the two of you?

Is he repeatedly awakened by the baby when she moves/kicks/rolls?

Does he feel squished?

Does he simply not like having the baby in "your"/"his" space at night?

[ziasmama]

All of the above are reasons he has given me for not wanting to cosleep. I have told him I would work on gentle sleep training by myself but I will need to take a month or longer off of cooking and cleaning for him and just be in survival mode as I will be tired and drained emotionally. He was not having that and suggested I key her Cry it out which I refuse to do. We are at a standstill and both really tired and frustrated.

[element2012]

I had a bit of a similar situation where we were sleeping in a bed too small for 3 people, and DH not happy about it.  I bought a little ikea crib mattress and put it on the floor.  DD started most nights there and we would get a few hours in bed together before she woke and was usually brought in the bed (by then we both usually missed her!).  Occasionally I would nurse her back to sleep on her little bed on the floor.  We did end up getting a better bed situation and now we are all happily in the bed together.  Depending on your LO's temperment maybe sleep training won't be as bad as you think?  I knew (as did DH) that sleep training my spirited girl would be a bit much.

[transylvania_mom]

Originally Posted by ziasmama 

I'm pretty desperate for some help right now. First off my daughter is 9 months old and has never slept in her crib. For the first four months she slept in the playpen bassinet until she outgrew it, then on top of me on the couch for two months (hell) and then we finally fell into cosleeping. I wasn't really wanting to cosleep but it made my daughter and I sleep alot better, initially.

My husband hates our arrangement and won't sleep in the bed most nights and we are starting to feel a lot of resentment towards each other ( and sadly, I think he feels it towards my daughter).

Where does he sleep now? If he wants to sleep in another room, let him.

If my dh were resentful towards one of *his* children........... I can't really tell what I would do.

So he refuses to help you with night parenting, child care, cooking or cleaning. I don't think cosleeping is the problem here.

[rnra]

You're definitely in a tough spot right now.  Being utterly exhausted makes it hard to make well-reasoned decisions.  

If cooking and cleaning are such a huge undertaking, I'd try and find ways to minimize the time involved for those.  You could make several freezer meals, use the crock-pot, etc.  There's a website called Once a Month Mom that has great ideas for minimizing the time involved with cooking.  As far as cleaning, the whole house doesn't need to be spotless or perfect, it just all needs to be live-able and somewhat clean.  The Like Mother, Like Daughter blog has really helped me to have more realistic ideas and practical plans for the tasks involved with raising a family.  Here's a good post to get you started:  http://ourmothersdaughters.blogspot.com/2009/01/can-your-new-years-resolutions-take.html

Hopefully if you can get the cooking and cleaning under control then you'll have more energy to improve your relationship with your husband and daughter.  Good luck!

[Ema629]

You are in a tough spot. Your letter really has been weighing on my mind for almost a week. I couldn't respond because I am honestly angry with your husband. I don't know if you will get this, or if I'm too late. You are doing everything to try to meet the needs of both your DD and Husband.....your husband meanwhile is only trying to get his needs met. He sounds selfish and immature. You came up with several options to get to a place where he got his bed back the way he wanted, which he just shot down.  I can't believe he allowed you and the baby to sleep on the couch for 2 months!  He seems really disconnected to the needs of his daughter, which is very worrisome. Stick to your guns about the cry it out method. Trust your mommy instincts. He seems to think that he should only have to work 9-5 and his job is done while you go 24-7? He can't help you even a little bit as you ease your DD into her own crib? Seriously? He can't run a vacuum or make a sandwich? He wants to come home to a clean house and a cooked meal without lifting a finger...what century is he in? Your going to have to get tough for your DD sake. Tell him either do one of your suggestions or things will stay as they are. You understand that he wants a quick fix (CIO), but life doesn't always come with quick fixes. Sometimes you have to work on things, and things go much better if you work as a team.  I hope you talked about discipline with him....you sound like a time-out kind a girl and he sounds like a spankings kind a guy. If he is seriously going to resent his own child, he has issues. You are doing an amazing job responding to the needs of your baby...he needs to learn to drop the hyper-masculine act and do the same. He will enjoy his family so much more if he softened his heart to his two beautiful girls.

[Ema629]

Hi zaismama! I just wanted to check in to see how you were doing. I don't know if you will see this, but I hope things worked out.

Ema

[linliajam]

Originally Posted by transylvania_mom 

Where does he sleep now? If he wants to sleep in another room, let him.

If my dh were resentful towards one of *his* children........... I can't really tell what I would do.

So he refuses to help you with night parenting, child care, cooking or cleaning. I don't think cosleeping is the problem here.

Amen.  That is his daughter too, does he not care about that at all?  He sounds very selfish.

[RebeloveMa]

Oh man, oh man, oh man. That sounds rough. Your hubby sounds frustrated and frustrating. I am going to assume that he is generally a good guy and hard worker and that you two have an otherwise good relationship. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

I think trying a small mattress on the ground next to your bed (per element2012's suggestion) may be a good option. Or you could put it next to the air mattress in the guest room and try transitioning her gently in there. Eventually she will sleep more soundly.

Another thought: from what I have read, it is quite common for some fathers to struggle with baby bonding. She needs mama more and he works. But as she gets older, he may find more pleasure in their relationship. This could very well ease some of the tension regarding sleep. You could encourage this bonding as much as possible.

One thing I do know, you will need to find a way to effectively communicate about parenting or you are both in for more hell. And resentment is not good, no matter who it is toward. You could always push some form of counseling if it came down to it.

Good luck! And keep us updated!

[element2012]

I'd be interested in the update, OP.  I imagine your LOs sleep situation is much changed by now. I've found that when something regarding my daughter's sleep had gotten to a point that I felt I really was going to crack, bam!, her sleep changes.  I hope this has happened for you!