interesting read for women wanting to birth naturally in a hospital setting... « Back to Group Discussions

[waywornwanderer]

http://mamabirth.blogspot.com/2012/10/fighting-for-your-birth.html

I've posted before about my back story- I've always wanted a homebirth but my husband, the student physician, is totally uncomfortable with me receiving prenatal care or labor support outside of the medical care model. Long story short, I didn't want him to be fearful or uncomfortable to the point where it strained our relationship and/or made him less able to support me during labor. (Not the start to our new family that I'm looking for!) I consented to seeing a somewhat arbitrarily chosen OB-GYN (a friend of one of my husband's mentors who was able to see us even when we had a temporary gap in health coverage) in a small practice that delivers at a brand-new hospital about thirty minutes away. 

I had the hospital tour last weekend, and even though it was BEAUTIFUL with gleaming walls and floor-to ceiling windows, I felt myself totally repelled by the clinical feeling. Even with all the effort to make it seem a little more homelike, it was still a hospital. Duh! Plus, even though their website actually says that the hospital supports natural birth, allows intermittent monitoring, mobility during labor, and skin-to-skin right after, the nurse who gave the tour was pretty vague when I explicitly asked her questions like "can prelim clinical assessments be done while baby lies on my chest during skin to skin?" Her answer to almost every question- which, by the way, out of about 10 other moms-to-be, I was the ONLY eager beaver with any questions- was "it depends" or "your OB will decide that". 

I had a bit of a breakdown for a few days right after, just really feeling like maybe I should have done what *I* wanted from the get-to and said to hell with my husband's weird hangups with midwives. My poor, sweet husband just kept repeating "but it's a nice hospital! and I'll support you!" He doesn't understand AT ALL why I would want to birth outside of the hospital because he truly views it as unsafe. After a few days, and talking a bit with my amazing doula, I've again reached the point where I am confident in being able to assert my labor/delivery needs and confident in my ability to birth naturally at the hospital. 

But honestly, half of me still wants to blow off my family's concerns about natural birth (it seems everyone thinks I'm batpoo crazy for wanting to go natural at all, let alone outside of a hospital, let alone in my own home) and switch to a midwife at thirty five weeks pregnant. That's just my gut feeling. I'm wanting to protect myself from the establishment, if that makes sense, and cultivate a peaceful start for this baby's life. At home. Or at the very least, in a respectful birthing center.

Arg.

Either way, I comfort myself knowing that I will have my sweet baby in my arms. I know deep in my bones somehow, without being able to articulate it, that birth MATTERS. The process of it is somehow sacred to me. And it's not about wanting a "medal" for laboring without drugs. It's just... an instinct, or a feeling or something telling me that this process should not be desecrated by "helpful" modern tactics that really just water down the experience. (Herein lies my husband's confusion- to him, the PROCESS of birth doesn't matter so much as the result.) 

Sorry for the novel. This is really the only safe place I have to talk about birth, because no one else in my life understands my line of thinking. (Besides my doula. But that's why I hired her! I had to *hire* someone to understand me. Sad.)

[odinsmama]

(((Hugs))) mama. So sorry you're feeling like you have to compromise and go against your gut.
That's a hard place to be. If this is definitely the plan and you're definitely birthing in hospital, I encourage you to work on mental exercises to release your fears/anxieties/concerns about that setting now, before you're in labor. Talk with your doula.
If this is going to be your birth setting you (your body and your mind) need to be at peace with it. Fear and anxiety that we don't release can really hold up labor and not allow your body to relax and open up.
I know you know you can do this. Several of us have shared with you our natural hospital birth experiences. You know it's possible and you have a good support team.

[BaMo]

That's a really tough situation to be in. I was in one similar with my first. I really wanted a homebirth and DH was not comfortable having one with our first. I wish I would have listened to my instincts and had a hb. Yes, I had a "natural" birth at the hospital but even with my husband and doula supporting me - we still had to fight on just about everything. It was very frustrating and not something you want to deal with while in labor and/or after you have had your baby.

From my own experiences, I wish we would have stayed at home longer but my doula insisted that we headed to the hospital (it was a 55 minute drive to the hospital). My labor slowed down once I got to the hospital (I think it was because of the setting, the horrid ob on call and all of the checks on me that they kept doing).

Regardless of what you choose, try to find some peace with your situation - I was already at such unease about being in a hospital that I'm sure that didn't help going into labor. Sending you big hugs your way and I hope you can find something that you are comfortable with, - not to minimize your husband's feelings or relationship but you are the one who is going through the birth process. It is a lot to take in emotionally - before, during and after labor.

[HouseofPeace]

have you done any hypnobirthing courses or anything like that?  I feel so much for you right now on this.  i think you can have a natural hospital birth, but i cannot give you advice on HOW to get yourself in the right mental/emotional space while in a hospital.  on baby number 5, i can say i think i could do it now, b/c i know what i have to do.  but i couldn't do it on number 1.  and wouldn't put myself through the stress of hospital either knowing what i do now about birth!

stay home as long as possible!

keep yourself focused on relaxing.

i don't know how to explain how focusing and staying relaxed are so key but so impossible to do when you're stressed.  i *jestingly* think you'd need a meditation room in the hospital where you go daily for a while until you've really made it a safe and secure place!  but really, it would be helpful. 

so hugs and prayers!

my homebirth midwife gets many transfers at 35+ weeks from women who realized they cannot make peace with their hospital choice.  but i'm not saying that's what you need to do.  i'm sure if you were a labor and delivery nurse like my sister, then you'd feel more at home and at peace in the hospital, like your husband.  but it is a challenge.  my family still thinks i'm very terribly selfish and stupid for having homebirths.  my mother says it to me all the time that she doesn't understand how a mother could be so selfish to risk her child like that (and i've had 2 homebirths), and that i'm taking insane risks that my child does not deserve, my sister was a NICU nurse and she tells me anyone who has a baby more than 30 seconds from a NICU is totally idiotic, and my labor and delivery sister is TERRIFIED at the thought of a homebirth b/c she can't imagine not having the proper equipment on hand.  it's hard, but my husband has also made that choice with me, so we can go forward.  but it does mean i don't get support from family around birth.  which is a challenge.

[rachieface]

I want to reiterate again that I think it is awesome that you are acknowledging your husband's fears and understand that this is very important to him. NOT meaning that you shouldn't switch to homebirth if you want to, but just wanted to encourage you in the partnership that you want to have as you bring your baby into the world.

As for feeling more comfortable in the hospital, I definitely would second/third/fourth the "stay at home for a long time" thing. Or if not at home, then somewhere else you feel comfortable. I have beautiful memories of my son's labor walking through various nearby parks, down quiet neighborhood streets, etc. Of course, it helped that it was May! But honestly, I ended up spending only the last four hours of a long labor at the hospital, and by that point I was already in "labor land" and couldn't bother to be too annoyed by any of the clinical stuff.

Also, as a doula I work hard to make hospital settings seem more homey. LED candles everywhere, low lighting, music of the client's choice. This doesn't mean you feel right at home, but it does give both you and the hospital staff the idea that you want things to be calm, quiet, and low-key. I'm sure your doula will probably do similar things.

How do you feel about your OB? Will he actually be at the birth? In my experience, the care provider is so much more important than the setting. If I were thinking about switching providers late in the game, I would weigh WHO you are birthing with even more than WHERE you are birthing. I've seen genuinely flexible OBs make for great births in clinical settings, and I've seen not-so-awesome midwives make for undesirable births in otherwise nice settings.

[cileag]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this! I don't know if it helps, but I'm a labor and delivery nurse who delivered her first child at home and now with my second, I'd been planning a hospital birth where I work. The catch right now is that I'm breech, so now I'm struggling with fighting for a vaginal breech birth or accepting a cesarean.

I wanted to reassure you though, that I see many, MANY beautiful hands off births in my hospital. It's not the same as being at home, but it doesn't have to be traumatic and it sounds like you have a great doula and a supportive husband on board.

I remember your husband has this thing about midwives, but maybe that could be a compromise? Sure, I get it--he doesn't want to be out of hospital, but is there a midwife practice at this hospital or a nearby one that would accept you this late? I do find quite a bit of difference in how the midwife group at our hospital vs. the OB group practice, and I think you will run into much less pushback from a typical midwife group. And actually, we have our medical students spend a day observing the midwives, which is usually a very eye opening experience for them.

Hang in there--birth does matter--you're right, but you can have lovely, respectful, safe birth in the hospital too.

[loveandgarbage]

Sending some s your way. Great advice from other mamas on this thread. I agree that the biggest thing you're up against at this point is your own anxiety and disappointment at your planned hospital birth. Releasing that tension and coming to a place of acceptance is a great thing to work toward. FWIW, I had a great hospital VBAC with DS2, so I know that it's possible. It was completely natural and was the best experience of my life. I had also wanted a homebirth, but couldn't for other reasons.

Process DEFINITELY matters. Your instincts are right on. Labor is a huge thing for your body to go through, and your brain as well, and I'm not sure if men in general understand that, especially those that haven't experienced labor as a partner yet, like your DH. Of course a healthy baby is the wonderful end result of any labor, but how you get there is important too, and I'm sorry that your process won't be exactly as you imagined. This might not be helpful to think about now, but if you plan to have more children, there's always next time. Here I am, third time around, and I'm finally getting my homebirth.

[etsdtm99]

Lots of great advice, i don't really have much to add but wanted to say, as others have -that you ARE right, the process does matter, it matters for a lot of reasons and in a lot of ways - That doesn't mean that you have to have your ideal birth for everything to be alright with the process.. if that makes sense..  

i didn't get my homebirth or my first unmedicated birth for that matter until #3 and while there have been little things that i regret about each birth, i was able to make peace with each of my births - i've never had the ideal birth that i envisioned, i've never had a peaceful birth no matter the setting, my body just doesn't work that way .. and that is ok, the process has still played a roll in making me the mother and woman i am and that is why birth matters imo 

[waywornwanderer]

Thank you all for your advice and support! I'm taking a really great childbirth class- sort of a Lamaze/Bradley hybrid at a local yoga studio- and it has made me feel much more confident and excited. It's a small group of couples, only six of us total, and I'm the only one really unhappy with our choice of birthing location AND prenatal care. I know that being disappointed is a hurdle to surmount in and of itself, so I'm really practicing relaxation techniques right now. (And of course, my doula has been helping me.) I'm trying hard to overcome the disappointment at planning for a hospital birth. (I actually did call a few midwives in the area, just to see if it would be possible for me to transfer to their care... and they all have policies not to take on patients past 32 weeks. So I'm definitely totally out of luck.)

Either way, I'm getting excited to meet my little nugget! And I know everything will turn out as it should.

[kittn]

I wanted to just offer a bit of reassurance, yes hospitals are different in nature all together and I am so sorry your feeling conflicted with this. I've had my children in a hospital. My first two I had no idea what I was doing. the third Because of the hospital policy where I was of mandatory cord traction, i almost bled to death. Despite knowing it wasn't my body that was the issue but the protocol, my husband was terrified of letting me birth at home. I found a great midwife at a different hospital and the last two births have been hands off and amazing. my daughter was born directly into my hands. it was incredible. just wanted to share that with you

[kdorrain]

HUGS.  I could have written that the first time too.  I want to be gentle, but I want to share my story.  I did defer to my husband despite my heart and head and gut screaming "no."  I blew off the first scheduled induction but didn't have the courage to do it again, so in I went.  My body was just not ready to have that baby and my husband felt like his version of supporting me was helping me "see" the doctors had my best interest in mind.  He was afraid of seeing me in pain (something I don't think either of us expected) and easily believed the "dead baby card" that was played.

Realizing I was outnumbered, I agreed between sobs to a c-section while everyone chanted how awesome I had done over 39 hours of induction and how I was a "hero."  I knew they were wrong.

After the birth I suffered PPD/PPA (in large part, I believe to feeling "duped" by the birth and all the promises that went unfulfilled) and he still didn't get it.  He wanted another baby, but I couldn't do it.  I finally agreed to try on *my* terms.  We took Bradley and Birthing from Within classes.  In the classes I tearfully confessed that I hadn't felt supported by him.  He was shocked, but got the message. We planned a homebirth, hired a doula, and everything was done the way my heart wanted.

After 40+ hours of labor, I transferred to the hospital.  My husband advocated strongly for me, making sure that it was *my* decision to transfer, and *my* decision to get an epidural.  He even said at one point "you made me promise not to let you have an epidural.  If you do this, you can't hate me.  you can't spiral down into depression.  I can't handle you checking out again.  We need you.  I believe you can do this."  I was able to look him in the eye and cry with him and tell him that he had done his job and I wouldn't hate him.

I had a beautiful VBAC (after the epidural let me take a nap then wore off!).  I still had PPA, but I've learned that's just me.  I was not depressed.  (And I tell everyone how powerful an advocate he was.)

For this baby, he'd still rather be in the hospital, but he knows that we live in a big metro area with the best hospitals in the region within minutes and he knows that my mental health is at stake.  He trusts our midwives.  

You are right, a healthy baby is the most important thing, but, your short- or long-term mental health are critical too.  Not only to you, but to the health of your baby, yourself, and your marriage.

I hope you can find a way to help him understand how important this is to you and that can find a birth option that you trust and/or that you can find a way to be at peace with the hospital you've chosen.  I don't believe homebirth is for everyone and I know so many women who have had fabulous empowered hospital births, including c-sections, but you HAVE to feel comfortable and supported in this most important of journeys.

I know you said that you can't transfer care to the local MWs right now, which is sad if that is what you really want.  I invite you to share my message with your husband.  Help him understand how critical this is.  Help him know what support looks like for you.  He needs to put his fears and "medical training" aside and just be present for you.  Make sure HE knows what the birth plan says and how to enforce it.  Remind him that HE is your advocate.  The doula can give him words and data, but only HE can truly say "NO, we don't want to do that" when you are in the middle of a contraction.  

HUGS to you as you sort this out.  If I can prevent one woman from having the first birth I did, I will feel at peace.

Kristine