I just got off the phone with my mother. I didn't realize just how bad my father's physical abuse was toward me until we got to talking about bad memories. I rember it all, but I just didn't realize how bad it was. He grabbed ahold of my arm, and spun me around really fast and hard, and slammed me into our christmas tree and snapped it in half (it wasn't an artifical tree), he threw glass things at us. I remember all the verbal stuff, like being around 8 and I had him in my face screaming and yelling at me telling me I was nothing but a f***ing c*nt, and a worthless piece of sh**. I had friends so I was a w**re. I mean it was bad.
I just wish he would realize what he's done to me. I feel so bad about myself. My husband says I look great and he loves me no matter what, but it doesn't help me feel better. I had an eating disorder, I only weighed like 120 pounds, and I'm 5'7. I didn't eat hardly at all until I got pregnant at 17 and had to, but after I had my son I started not eating again. I had a horrible drug and alcohol problem because that was the only way to numb the pain and not let him hurt me. I started eating healthy in 2008 when I met my husband. I gained some weight. Now after I had my kids I weigh like 180 and everytime I look in the mirror that's all I can hear is his voice telling me I'm a fat piece of sh** and nobody will ever want me. His words have been eating at me horribly lately, I've pulled away from my husband physically. I feel like he doesn't want anything to do with me because my father told me my whole life nobody would. My father would get drunk and make sexual comments to me that started with, "If you weren't my daughter I'd do" you fill in the blanks I'd I can't write that kind of disgusting imagery. I didn't tell my mother about his comments for years. I mean just a few years ago. I was scared to tell her.
I need to get to a point mentally to not let it hurt me anymore, but I don't know how. I don't know where to even begin. I need to not let his words hurt and haunt me anymore. I just can't... My father is what made me hit rock bottom. He was wasted one night and calling me names, and was being really mean and nasty. I told him he could quit drinking or I was moving out and his exact words were, "Well then I'll just go get another beer then." I moved out 2 weeks later, and ended up in a very horrible abusive relationship. I got out of that alive surprisingly, and went on a downward spiral. Every drug I could smoke, or snort I did. I didn't care. I drank so much that I've lost alot of nights, I don't know what I did. I met my husband shortly after i got myself sober.
I don't know what I did to deserve someone that is always there for me and who loves me no matter what. I don't know what I did to deserve someone who when I'm at my worst moment will just sit there and hold me while I cry. I don't know what I did to deserve someone that when I'm just pissed with life and everything my father did to me and I snap on him and physically shove him away from me will just walk away and let me collect myself and hold me. I don't know what I did to deserve someone who makes me happy. I have never felt like I deserved to be happy and I still don't feel like I deserve to.
I don't know where to begin on healing. I don't feel complete. I feel like a part of me slowly died over the years from what he did to me. I don't know where to begin on accepting things weren't my fault. Maybe if I was smarter and got better grades in school he wouldn't have hated me. What if I was prettier instead of being a fat disgusitng piece of crap? What if I didn't argue back?
I can't get over it. I don't know how. I'm 23 years old and still feel like that broken 10 year old child inside. He doesn't know what he did to me. I don't know how to feel like I deserve to be happy. I feel guilty everyday because I'm happy with my husband and children. I don't know how to heal. I don't know how to get him out of my life. I feel like I'm living a nightmare.