Unwilling Partner?!

[MileyJay]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We have been friends for twice thay long. We have a stong healthy relationship and are best friends. The entire time we have been together I have been very open about my desire to be a mother and he always said "not yet" to which I always responded with some sort of understanding (as he is a year and a half younger than I am). Recently he dropped the "I never want kids" bomb shell on me. I have the obvious issues with this as well as some more complicated ones I desperately need advice on.

1. The obvious being that I have invest 6 years of my life into a relationship with this man and now this. How am I supposed to handle this?

2. I have fertility issues and my dr. Has said that conceiving will already be hard enough for me...so the idea of ending it with the man I love and then not being able to conceive later with someone else breaks my heart.

3. This is kind of the kicker in my head. I was recently talking to my boyfriends little sister who said she doesnt want children either, and for the same reasons as her brother! They both feel that once you have children you can no longer be yourself and any goals you had for life are instantly moot. I can't help but think these feelings aboit parenthood come from thier parents. Dont get me wrong...my boyfriends parents are fantastic people I just feel like somewhere along the line they both got the wrong nessage about parenting.

Please help me! Thank you all so much!

[MileyJay]

Sorry about all the typos...I was speed typing on my phone while on break lol

[rightkindofme]

Uhm, you need to leave the relationship and move on. That's your road to children. Sorry.

[Xerxella]

Unfortunately rightkindofme is right.

Have a sit down heart to heart and if he absolutely does not want children you'll have to decide which is more important to you. Children or this guy. Honestly, you sound kind of young. My advice is that if this guy refuses to take your wishes into consideration and have a serious heart to heart about children than he really is showing his true colors. If he loved you, he'd want to be with you children and all.

[JollyGG]

Quite simply he doesn't want the same things out of life that you do. That means it's time to leave the relationship.

Once you are are your own you can be open a relationship with someone who is headed the same direction you are in life. Even if you don't end up in an appropriate relationship you can always embark on parenting on your own through various options such as donor sperm, foster care, or adoption.

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by JollyGG 

Quite simply he doesn't want the same things out of life that you do. That means it's time to leave the relationship.

Once you are are your own you can be open a relationship with someone who is headed the same direction you are in life. Even if you don't end up in an appropriate relationship you can always embark on parenting on your own through various options such as donor sperm, foster care, or adoption.

This. Sorry OP. At least you found out now. You can still find a partner who is right for you and who wants the same things from life.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

Uhm, you need to leave the relationship and move on. That's your road to children. Sorry.

Yep, if children are part of your life's dream, then he isn't. So very sorry you had to waste 6 years with this man to find out. Folks should be forthright about these sorts of things from the very beginning.

[philomom]

[quote name="Xerxella" url="/community/t/1372214/unwilling-partner#post_17230607" If he loved you, he'd want to be with you children and all.[/quote]

A person should never be coerced or tricked or arm twisted in ANY way to be a parent. It's not right for everyone. This guy's big failing is that he wasn't truthful from the beginning about his feelings.

[MileyJay]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Yep, if children are part of your life's dream, then he isn't. So very sorry you had to waste 6 years with this man to find out. Folks should be forthright about these sorts of things from the very beginning.

I wouldnt call it a waste at all. Like I said, I love him amd he is my best friend. Butbi understand whatbyou are saying.

I appreciate all the advicel. I feel like I wasnt clear with somethings though...
-Not sure if its important (but was brought up) im almost 27.
-he never lied about wanting kids. He always said not yet...and believed that. He thought, as did I, that he would eventually be ready for them. And according to him he feels like that day may not come now


Again thank you all for all your advice

[rightkindofme]

I was with someone for four years hoping he would change his mind. He didn't. I left and found someone who is kind of ridiculously nice to me. Sometimes being sure you want something and charging off after it goes well. Not always, but sometimes. If you want children you should prioritize that. :)

[mambera]

Yes I did this as well.  My ex and I had really uniquely suited personalities but we ended it because he knew for sure he did not want children and I knew for sure that I did.  I have wonderful memories of that relationship but I know it would have become bitter and horrible if either of us had compromised on this issue and lived a life we did not want.  I am happy that I moved on and met my now-DH who loves children and loves raising ours with me.  My ex met a lovely woman who also did not want children and they are very happy together also.

[greenemami]

I have to agree with the PP...I had a friend who left a long term relationship just as they were talking about getting engaged because her dp told her that he had decided he never wanted kids (after being kind of wishy washy about it before).  She did and left, even though it tore her apart.  She met somebody who did want kids and is very happy now. 

As hard as it is to imagine being without this man, you will end up feeling so resentful later on in life if you don't have kids because he doesn't want to, or if you spend additional years hoping he will change his mind and doesn't.  He is not wrong for not wanting children, he is just wrong for you since you do :(

[pek64]

Someday I hope you will be grateful that he was honest. Keep him as a friend only if it is not too painful. But if you really want children, you need to find someone who shares that desire. If you force this man into having children with you, he'll resent it and the relationship will end up ruined.

[phathui5]

How badly do you want to have children? At this point, every year that you wait, your chances decrease.

Quote:

Until now, it was thought that women's fertility starts to drop significantly in the early 30s, with a big plunge after 35. But the new study indicates that, on average, female fertility begins its meaningful slide at age 27.

"Although we noted a decline in female fertility in the late 20s, what we found was a decrease in the probability of becoming pregnant per menstrual cycle, not in the probability of eventually achieving a pregnancy," said Dr. David Dunson of the National Institute of Environmental Health Science in North Carolina.

http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-204_162-507580.html

That doesn't mean that you won't be able to get pregnant in your thirties; it's just less likely.

Rates of pregnancy occuring within a year.

[FloridaBorn]

1) You have NOT "wasted" your time. All your experiences with this person whom you love will be with you *always.*

2) Fertility declining after age 27. Ugh. This haunted me when I was in my late 20s and no where near finding Baby Daddy. Practice decent self-care and don't worry about it. I was 32 when I had DD.