Handling the MIL's offer to help « Back to Group Discussions

[spotty4]

Hi everyone, I could use some advice.  Please bear w/ me as I set up some background and bless you for getting through all of this! :-P

My mother in law has 2 twin grandboys.  This baby will be grandbaby #3.  She called us up last night and offered to buy us an entire nursery room set b/c that is what she did for each of the twin grandboys - so she bought 2 entire nursery room sets.

Now, we don't plan on co-sleeping so we do intend on having a crib and a nursery-type room; however, we weren't planning on going all bonanza on a nursery.  We already have a lot of hand-me-down furniture for a nursery and are only lacking a changing table.  Instead we want to go bigger on a kids bedroom when the kid is old enough to better appreciate his "room" and his "space" (we don't 'know that its a boy, just using a pronoun).  In our eyes a fancy nursery is more for the parents - the baby could care less.

We are super appreciative of her offer to help and definitely expressed that to her but we would rather direct her help to other items (e.g., a nice jogging stroller, an excellent car set, a cool kids room bedroom set in a few years, etc ...).  She seemed somewhat amenable to directing her help to other avenues but I can tell her heart isn't in it.  SHE wants to buy the nursery room furniture b/c it would make HER feel good.

I understand that she is the grandmother and its important to make her feel involved.  And we really do appreciate and welcome her help and support.  We just don't want her support in this arena - its unnecessary.  How would you handle this situation?  Are we being too rigid and should we just let her buy it for us to make her feel good/happy?  It pains me to see that money spent on something we don't really need/want when it could be so much more useful in other ways.

Thanks for your insight!

[BabySmurf]

MIL issues are so hard!! We actually encountered a similar situation - My MIL bought all of her grandbaby's cribs.  I did not know this, and went ahead and bought one relatively early.  When I told her about it, she was pretty disappointed, and of course she just "feels so bad!" (that is her usual excuse about why she gets things we neither want nor need that she wants to get anyway) that she wasn't able to do it for us.  (I was like, "who cares if you buy the crib or something else that we need??) But apparently it was something that she was pretty upset about and talked about it for a long time afterwards...I almost think she wanted me to bring back the crib that we bought so that she could purchase one for us.  Instead she bought us a nice stroller/carseat set that we picked out. 

I really think that part of the disappointment comes from not being able to pick something out themselves - the same way we like to do it for our babies, MIL (and parents in general - I have had my fair share of awkward issues with my mom as well) also have that same desire.  And since they have BTDT, I think they like to be able to buy things that they would have liked in retrospect, and they won't feel guilty indulging on something that may not be completely necessary, but still useful or enjoyable to have.   I can sort of see where the disappointment comes from if I put myself in their shoes, but it doesn't mean that I think that they *should* necessarily do things that aren't wanted or needed. 

That being said, I think this is a classic case of "Pick Your Battles".  This is probably going to be the first of many things that you want to do differently from her.  How important is it really that she not spend this money now? I know that it's hard to see so much money go out the window for something that you don't feel like you need, but there are several ways to soften the blow:

1.) work with her to see if she is willing to take some suggestions from you about what you are looking for

2.) save the money that you would have spent on nursery gear for the nicer set later

3.) feel her out about working with your child to buy a nicer set when he is older instead...that way he can appreciate that she is doing this for "him" (although, like I said I think that they really just want to pick stuff out for themselves).

In retrospect, I would have let my MIL get us a crib, provided that she kept with our general specifications.  But it's easier to say in retrospect because I am super anal, and I knew specifically what I wanted, and I *never* would have asked MIL to buy something for as much money as we spent (we got a convertible crib with a changing table attached since we didn't have a lot of room in our apartment for separate items).  But there have been so many more important things since then that have come up, I would totally have given up on that one, because every time you stand your ground it almost means that it insults her in the process.  And the less she has the perception that she is being insulted, the better your relationship will be (and the less your DH will be put in the middle).  My advice would be that, so long as she is keeping your likes/desires in mind to let her do it - perhaps try to work out a compromise ahead of time if there are things you know you don't want or need, so that money can be better allocated.

Good luck!!!

[BabySmurf]

Oh, I just saw that you already have a lot of stuff.  That makes it harder!!

In that case, what I did was just try to be really open and honest about other things that I wanted/needed and areas where I thought that she could help.  I think you are right when you said that she wants to fulfill some of HER needs by buying for the baby - if she is that type of person, then I would definitely try to give her an outlet to do that in some shape or form.  I know it's hard!

[Sweet Huck]

I'm in a similar boat, but staying firm. We are NOT doing a traditional nursery. We'll keep on using the guest room/office/nursery as a multi-purpose room until the baby/kid absolutely needs its own space.... and by that time nursery furniture will probably not be the best investment. Additionally, we hope to move in the next few years... so we really don't want to accumulate more furniture.

I keep emphasizing the space factor to MIL and hoping she stops texting me pictures of nursery ideas and furniture. I'm really putting my foot down on this one, though, because she sometimes buys things for us even though we've politely declined. It becomes the opposite of generous or helpful at that point!!!

For your situation-- perhaps you can recommend a few pieces that might pull your room together that could be used long-term. A rocking chair? How about that changing table you need! Or how about some nice art? Try and emphasize how helpful and useful it would be to have those pieces. That's what I'm doing, and leaving it at that. (Not sure if it's working for my situation yet, I keep getting those text messages...)

That said, I think this is very much a "to each her own" kinda situation! It all depends on your MIL and your own flexibility/wants! Wishing you the best of luck! I can totally empathize!

[JNajla]

Originally Posted by Sweet Huck 

I keep emphasizing the space factor to MIL and hoping she stops texting me pictures of nursery ideas and furniture

I'm not sure what is worse- to have an overbearing MIL or one that hasn't asked us if we need anything yet.  No offers of any furniture or clothing (even used or hand-me-downs).  My in-laws are millionaires so it isn't as if they're lacking resources.  We're not going to ask for help from them, but will accept whatever help they offer. 

[Sweet Huck]

Thanks for the balanced perspective, JNajla.

The grass is always greener.

[JNajla]

I hope I didn't sound snotty!  MIL is a 'sensitive' topic for me, that's all.  She's just so odd- I honestly can't figure her out AT ALL.  

[amlikam]

Spotty, that is hard. My MIL offered with DD1 to come watch her one day a week so we could save on childcare. I told her that around here most providers charge full time regardless (unless you have a regular part-time slot with someone to share it with) and it wouldn't save money really. She was disappointed but I told her that if she wanted to spend the time that is a different story. Anyhow she was pretty offish for the most part about the whole thing, though she did come to be at the birth...

Anyhow, sometimes you just need to make the choice as the parent and if it doesn't make the in-laws happy, well.... I am sure they did things that didn't make their in-laws happy when they were doing the whole parenting thing.

I think being honest, kind and clear with your boundaries (needs) is the best way. Maybe your MIL can be part of setting up with nursery? Since you already have furniture she purchased (right or am I miss understanding this?) it will be like giving it all over?

good luck

[Sweet Huck]

Originally Posted by JNajla 

I hope I didn't sound snotty!  MIL is a 'sensitive' topic for me, that's all.  She's just so odd- I honestly can't figure her out AT ALL.  

Not at all! Just funny how different scenarios are... well... different.

For example, my MIL bought us a giant Persian rug even though we had declined multiple times! She just showed up with it one day! The colors are wrong for our house, I can't clean it because it's handmade and hand-dyed, it's HUGE and I have nowhere to put it! My husband was mortified, but insisted we keep it to appease her... he didn't know what else to do.  Very sweet of her, and perhaps I should just hush up and feel lucky she is generous, but at some point I feel like her giving (or forcing things on us) is not actually generosity... but controlling. After that experience, I'm nervous she's going to show up with a nursery set and design she's chosen herself.  

Any way, like you, I just can't figure her out. : )  I'd love it if she were a bit more like your MIL!

Back to Spotty, though. I like what Amlikam said! ----

  I think being honest, kind and clear with your boundaries (needs) is the best way.

[BabySmurf]

I agree with the honesty and being up front part....and that the grass is usually greener sentiment! Balancing relationships is always hard....

[spotty4]

UPDATE:  We talked with my MIL this past weekend to deliver the "girl" news and to catch up in general.  Of course, the furniture topic came up.  She was really receptive. :-)  We made it clear to her that we really value her input and offer to help and really want her to be involved but asked her to defer her offer until our daughter is a few years older and needs a toddler bed and bedroom that speaks more to her personality as it develops.  So we instead nudged her in the direction of helping out in other ways.  So she has agreed to purchase our car seat, an extra base, our BOB jogger, and the car seat adapter for the BOB.  We are thrilled and she seems genuinely pleased to be able to contribute! 

[kitteh]

Wow, awesome outcome spotty! I'm jealous, I want someone to buy ME a BOB jogger!

[spotty4]

Right?! I know! This will be a huge help. This will be expensive but right in line with what she was willing to plunk down for a nursery furniture set.

[Sweet Huck]

Holy moly! Sounds like you're gonna get some great stuff that you will really USE!!!
 

[veggieviola]

Spotty, that is fantastic!  MIL can feel like she's doing special, and you guys get what will actually be useful for your family.  Win/Win!

[dayiscoming2006]

Excellent! :)