looking for positive or negative experiences with moving kids out of the family bed

[MiddleRiverMama]

I'm looking for people's experiences with night weaning . . . or moving kids out of the family bed before they're totally ready . . . or just being patient and waiting . . .  

Our story is this . . . We've been co-sleeping and BF-ing for 2 and a half years and for the most part, it's been great.  The only times my DS nurses now is at night to go to sleep, when he wakes up in the night (which varies greatly in frequency one night to the next - it could be anywhere from 2 wakings to 6 or more), when he wakes up in the morning, and on weekends for naptime. 

Anyway, as he gets bigger and my milk supply goes down, co-sleeping and nursing all night has become less comfortable for me and for my husband.  We'd like to get our bed back and I'm starting to feel a bit tired and cranky.  Another issue is that DS will not go to sleep for my DH at all, and my DH is not at all patient at night time.  I am a lawyer and am scheduled to be in trial for 2-3 weeks in April (which will mean me being at work until midnight many nights).  If the case does not settle before trial, I really don't know how they will manage.  I am generally never away at bedtime.

I had always thought DS would wean and move out of bed on his own when he was ready but I am starting to contemplate a gradual transition....I've thought of a number of possibilities . . .

- getting another bed in our room, nursing him to sleep in that bed and then moving myself into the big bed with my husband, in the hopes maybe DS would not wake up as much if he wasn't right next to me

- doing the same thing as above, but in a bed in another room

- "night weaning" but i would have no idea how to go about that and don't think i'd have the heart not to BF if he was crying for it.

Do others have good experiences with the above?  Bad experiences?  Other options?

Thanks!

[colsxjack]

At 2.25 yrs old we night weaned our DD. We tried just before 2 yrs old, but she was not having any of it. We tried again every month or so and then finally she just went with it. We did the "no cry sleep solution". It worked very well. It went from her waking 5-8 times a night to 1-2 times a night. And when she did wake, it was a little cuddle to get her back to sleep.

When it came to getting her out of our bed, we went with the bed in our room solution.

A first we had a toddler bed, but that meant her starting the night in our bed or coming into our bed if she woke as we would lay and cuddle with her to get her to sleep.

So then we bought a twin sized bed and that worked wonders. She woud start the night in her own bed and we would lay with her to read and then cuddle. If she woke in the night she would cry out and my wife would climb into bed with her. She would go back to sleep in minutes.

Now she is in her own room in her bed.

We waited until she asked. We were at her cousins house and he has a room with his own bed and toys in it. She wanted her books and toys in her room. We told her she could when she had her own room. She then wanted her own room. So we went and let her choose paint and I painted it for her and voila...she is now sleeping in her won room.

We told her she is always welcome into our room (and we have a small mattress under our bed in case she wants to come in. She has never asked. It has been 3 months or so in her own room now. She is 3.5 yrs.

When it comes to your husband putting your son to bed.

With us, it was always my wife that put our DD to bed. I never did it. But then my wife was pregnant with twins and I had to take over because she was just to exhausted to continue doing it.

We just told my DD that I wanted to cuddle with her and it was my turn. She fussed about it for a few nights...and every now and again asks for my wife to have a turn *(which she doesn't). But we just stuck to it and she did fine.

However, we do both do it differently. I obviously can't nurse our DD. So I have always had to find my own tricks to comfort her.

After finding my own tricks to comfort her I became more confident that I could also do other difficult parenting tasks...even if they were different than the way my wife does it. Our DD seems fine with that. She actually is better with us having our own groove than if we try to replicate each others tricks.

Your husband needs some time and confidence to find his way of comforting his son and parenting him.

Maybe the first few nights may be rough. But they will survive and thrive because of it.

Kids are very resilient.

What helps me to stay calm is to hum. I find that humming helps me to sty mellow when I am getting frustrated. I can tell if I am starting to get worked up because my humming or shushing becomes more rapid. I then concentrate on making it slower and that keeps me calm. (if that makes sense).

[MiddleRiverMama]

Thanks so much for this story!  It really helps.  A couple of questions. . . .

Did you night wean before or after you started putting her to sleep at night?

Did you night wean before or after you moved her into her own bed?

Was the twin bed big enough?  Part of my concern if we try this is that my DS and I will end up in the little twin bed on the floor all night long and my husband will be in the huge king bed all alone . . . .  :)

Did you you think the no cry sleep solution made her feel insecure in her attachment to your wife? That's my big concern.... DS has gotten a new nanny and started school (part time) in the last few weeks and I hate to disrupt him even more. 

I love humming and shushing as well to stay calm.  My issue lately is that bossy pants DS tells me "don't do that!"

Thanks again for the suggestions! 

[azzeps]

We night-weaned my daughter when she was 20 months.  It wasn't as bad as I anticipated.  I just told her that there would be no milk snack in the nighttime, until the sun came up.  The first night she cried, but wasn't hysterical, and I held her and rocked her in my arms and we went back to sleep.  I think the second night she woke up and I reminded her not until the sun came up, and after that she quit asking at night.  So maybe it won't be as bad as you think? Or maybe your partner can help if your DS gets really upset? Some people do it that way.  I guess any time you are trying to change something, it is going to cause them some stress, but like the PP said, kids are resilient, and they're in the arms of a loving parent who is compassionate and consoles them as best they can, and I don't think it scars them forever or anything.  I guess you have to be at the point where you are absolutely ready for a change and don't see any way to continue.  Otherwise you'll just go back to the way you were doing things before.

Now as far as another bed - our DD still comes in our bed at night!!! We have both kids start in their own beds, then they both usually end up joining us.  Does your DS have a bed in another room already? You could transition him there.  If not, you could try a bed in your room. 

Our DD was used to having someone in her room with her while she got to sleep at night until she was almost 3.5.  DS came along, so then DH slept with DD, started and stayed with her, and I was with DS, until DH had to go on a business trip, so then DD had to be on her own going to sleep, and actually, she transitioned quite well.  I thought it was going to be a nightmare.  Her room is right across the hall from DS's room and I sat in there with him getting him down, and just told her I could see her and hear her and I was there if she needed me, and it worked out okay.  I guess my point is that when there isn't any other choice, you and they do what has to be done.

I hope you find something workable so that you can get more rest and so that you can feel comfortable being away during the trial.  But even if you don't, your DH and DS will work things out without you, I think.