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Angry/Resentful Posting Reminds Me of ME!

post #1 of 4
Thread Starter 

The poster who posted the original topic of her being angry and resentful just brought out all the things that reminded me of ME! Like her, I went through foster homes though I don't remember much about it. I was in one particular one and it was wonderful (excluding the boy who tried or did molest/sexually assault me--->I have a vague memory, enough to KNOW something happened but not enough to say exactly what) but my foster mother was too old to keep me and the state mandated this. My half-sister and I were taken from our foster homes (we were not in the same ones as apparently we did not get along) and suddenly we were SLAMMED together into an adoptive family. We didn't realize we were actually sisters or so I gather as I don't remember her very much. We could not have spent that much time together. Our adoption kind of came as a surprise to everyone except the stupid agency that put it together. Gaston County, NC thank you very much. I have dealt with many of the same things different situations of abuse as the other poster. Mine came from some foster people but more from my adoptive family. Mine comes in the forms of sexual abuse at the hand of my adoptive mother's father. He abuse me, my sister, and many of the bio children to that family. If it were not for my sister and I, telling about it, it might have continued even longer. My half-sister tells that they did not believe her and would only listen if I said something. I do remember something about me having to tell what happened but even then it didn't seem that anyone listened much. That came about again when I was 21 (after I had forgotten about it), when a adoptive cousin of mine was having trouble in therapy and it came out that she had been molested by our grandfather and she was not coping well. Suddenly, an aunt called me to ask me if this had indeed happened to me, too. It all came rushing back again---->never again to leave. I still have intimacy issues with my husband and myself because of this. My adoptive mother and father were all I ever wanted....I wanted someone to love me so deeply. They DIDN'T. They actually got frustrated with my sister who had major depression and other mental illness and they sent her back after two years to her foster family. It came out in the last year or two that they actually tested on her. They tested Nortriptyline on her which at the time was only used on adults. I have the paperwork now to attest to this. I got it from her foster father who after she was sent back became her adoptive father. I had problems, I lied, I stole things like candy/money from my mom's purse, I didn't do homework, I got angry/frustrated, I had behavior problems. Who wouldn't? I was only 5-7 years old at this time. I was five when I was adopted, seven when my adoptive mother came to me and asked me how would I feel about letting April go back to her foster family. To this day, no one has told me the truth of who actually initiated that. I had to reply in the only way I knew how which was "if it will make her happy, let her go". I should have never been asked to make a decision like that. April says she blames herself and I have often thought it was because of me that she went. She was always mean to me...my adoptive mother says April used to hold my head under the water in our pool. I do remember her kicking me a lot. My adoptive mother says my sister tried to break her and my father up. I can believe this now after having my sister re-enter my life and also having to make her exit it due to her life choices now. She has been a prostitute, she lost her one daughter at the same age she was put into foster care (age 4), and her other daughter passed in uetero though I wonder if drugs didn't play a part. I am angry. I am very angry. I can understand why my sister did some of the things she has done (because others failed her) but I am also angry with her. She lost her kids...she chooses even now to do drugs and steal. She cares more about herself than others including me. And...it hurts...a lot. More than I can ever say. I thought we would at least have each other. Instead, I struggle with all this trauma by myself. And...I project too much onto my own precious babies. And for that...I am very, very angry. And. I. Feel. GUILTY. So incredibly guilty. Then, I hear people tell me to "give it to God". That makes me madder. Why? Because in all honesty, I try to even feel some connection with anything because I am desperate for anyone, someone to say to me, "I am here. I hear what you are saying, and I care. I love you, you are worth everything to me...so much so that I would change my own life for you". This is what my own birth mother could not/ would not do. I met her once. I was 14. She was in the hospital dying. She had contacted my sister (somehow as again no one is truthful and will tell me how this came about), my sister's family had contact with her for 6 months before my sister's adoptive mother called my adoptive mother and said if you want Rebecca to see her mom, you had better get her here. I was in boarding school and taking exams when a counselor came to my class to get me. They took me into their office to tell me that "First, your sister wants to see you". This was a major blow to me as I hadn't seen my sister in 7 years. I was so shaken. Then, they told me that my "birth mother wanted to see me". I can't even tell you what I felt as I don't remember. (Now, that I write this...it is a new thing to realize how much I don't remember. It seems my body/mind/spirit has attempted to block much) I met my birth mother and one would hope that she would want to be loving, that she would show that she cared. She DIDN'T. When asked about the one thing I had wondered about my whole life, my birth father, she refused to answer, stating this was a time in her life she did not want to remember. I only saw her the one time. She died a short while later. I am not sure the exact amount of time. A month, two months. Long enough to tell me she wanted to come and get me from boarding school and I would spend time with her. Long enough to tell me that "I had better straighten up or else". Long enough to bring more stress and confusion to an all ready stressed out girl of 14. That kind of stress does not let up. I am 34 now and I am already showing signs of an emotional break down. My doctor has already advised me of the effects of stress. And...she has no idea the amount I carry.  Back to my birth mother... My only question...died with her. She was selfish to the end. As you read, I was placed in boarding school. I lived at school. It felt like punishment to me. It felt like abandonment all over again. It felt as though one more person was saying to me, "I don't love you, I don't need you and I don't want you". You can just venture a guess on how this stresses me now. How about how it stresses a marriage? Or your kids? I am terrified to let them go anywhere without me. I am afraid something will happen to them. I have to put on a face that I am ok...when in truth, I am dying inside. I am breaking. apart.one.piece.at.a.time. I have two degrees. I am very smart. I can't work. I am afraid of rejection. Severely. Anything that would come across as any kind of criticism to me is a death blow. How do you tell your friends this? The few you have. As another poster put it...she had lost her few friends because they can't deal with the anger that she carried. What are we supposed to do? Who do we turn to? If we do trust someone...they usually use our situations against us in the end anyway. My adoptive mother has always been highly critical of me. She acts now as though she has never been but everyone in my adoptive family has seen this and commented on it. They mean well but they don't attempt to help. I had a cousin who did once. He has passed away but he stood up for me. He was truly my best friend. It kills me that he is gone. His sister and I have shared more in the last years and it seems she has picked up his mantle and tried to comfort me. I can't go on anymore tonight. I have literally just spent everything I could say....Thanks for listening.

post #2 of 4

I'm one who relates to this too.  I'm angry, cocky, vicious, snarly, dragony, and rather friendless.  I am always looking for people like me to talk to.  Normal people can't handle who I am.  I have to find the other really, really cocky people to compete with.  The competition feels like a reflection of myself, and it makes me calm down.  I'm an adrenaline junkie, which is not as much fun as it sounds. 

 

I was physically beaten all the time, starved, neglected from infancy.  I had failure to thrive as an infant into the preschool years.  I found medical records--I was in the 90th percentile for height and 2 percentile for weight through much of my infancy and toddler years.  The doctors' concern with my weight continued throughout childhood.  Idiot doctors never seemed to realize that my mom just wasn't feeding me. 

 

I went to boarding school too, which for me was a safe haven.  I sent myself there.  I knew my parents didn't want me, and by that point, I didn't care.  I was pretty self-contained.  I was grateful to have a safe place to live and good food while I finished high school. 

 

Although I was never sexually abused, at age ten someone reported that they thought I was molested because I was mute.  A LOT of conclusions were jumped to and social services FORCED a medical rape exam on me.  I didn't want to cooperate because I knew it was crap.  They forced the exam, and I felt like I was falling, and falling, and falling inside of myself.  They didn't find anything wrong, duh.  Social services never bothered to ask me about all the beatings and neglect that I was actually dealing with.  Case closed.  It really traumatized me, but I never got so much as an apology from anyone.
 

So anyway, for some reason I am really ambitious.  I've turned everything into ambition.  I want to chase down and conquer the hugest obstacles, prizes, positions, people, whatever.  I feel kinda predatory, which scares me, but I'm smart enough to focus it on good things, like worthy of the work.  There are non-profits that I really believe in and support, 'pet' agendas, social justice issues that concern me. 

 

I'm angry, because of a whole childhood of abuse.  I carry a war inside me.  I carry a war that hurts me and others, that I can't put down, because it's a part of me. 

post #3 of 4

I've thought more about what I mean by predatory.  For me, I am predatory towards power, not weakness.  So it might not be the right word.  If you think of biology predation like a lion eating an antelope--strong eats weak.  I'm the opposite, I go after the superpowers.  Twice in the last couple years I have disarmed two different men who were acting out of line in public.  I psychologically wrangled them back into their place, because 'Hey, I'm the big cat around here!'  LOL  And they both accepted it.

post #4 of 4

schoolmom07, who sent you to boarding school?  And why?  Don't you think they wanted to put you in a safe place? 

 

"Who do you turn to?" you asked.  No one.  I've been stabbed in the back by almost all my friends.  Then I just get more aggressive. 

 

About your birth mother not telling you who your birth father is:  it sounds like your mom had a real reason for not telling you.  Maybe she was raped.  Maybe it was a one night stand and she really doesn't know who he was.  Maybe it was incest and she is too embarrassed to admit it.  Maybe he was a married man and she doesn't want to cause problems for him.  Maybe he's a criminal in jail.  Maybe he was abusive to her and she knows that he would abuse you too.  Selfish?  Yeah, maybe, but I know there are a lot of reasons women need to stay away from a certain man. 

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