Throwing away TV/computer? Or what would help? Lots of issues at home, depression and health

[bobcat]

I am just looking for suggestions on how I can better my life as a stay-at-home wife, soon to be mother.

I feel that I need to do something drastic to make things better around here (our home, my life, etc). But I am not sure what to do or where to start. I have chronic fatigue, and I love to take walks, but sometimes am just too tired. I like to sit outside (I'm in southern california so its doable year round), but the noise of the private airport nearby bothers me sometimes, even though it's not terrible. Those are really two things that make me happy, but otherwise, sometimes I feel at a loss. I realize I sound pessimistic right now, so please don't tell me to pep up...I know, I know.

Lately hubby and I have been arguing more, and he has had to work a lot more (not his fault). When he does come home, he's exhausted and needs "down time" and so he zones out to his ipad or the TV. It drives me insane, because I get really lonely during the day. (right now I am 5 months pregnant, so we will have a family soon, but still, I would like to improve the next 4 months). I am not really sure who's fault all this is, nor does it really matter. It could be mine for being needy, could be his. Money is tight of course, so that is a source of frustration. We can't go take a vacation or do something fun like go out to the movies without feeling guilty about it, because we can't afford it.

I just feel at a loss as to how to fix things. I feel like if there was no TV, he would focus on me, but maybe we would just fight more. Sometimes it seems to be the only thing keeping the peace and bringing us together, watching a funny show.

I am always hungry because I'm pregnant and I'm too tired to cook, and we can't afford take-out every night, nor is it healthy. I expect his help with some of this, like cooking, buying groceries, but he is sick of me asking for so much help, he just doesn't have time or energy or patience with how much he works. His job is very mentally taxing and he works a lot. The reason I'm cooking less now is primarily the chronic fatigue, combined now with depression (last month it has surfaced because of him working more and me being more isolated. I have always stayed home, but now he's gone a lot more and is more tired, less likely to do anything wtih me when he gets home).

I feel like I can't keep up with everything. I am just so tired, from my health issues combined with the pregnancy, and feeling depressed too. I am unwilling to take medication right now. My parents have offered to pay someone to come help me out a litlte each week, but it has been hard enough finding someone, and I wouldn't know where to have them start helping, or how to organize their efforts. I really need someone here more than a little. I have a hard time driving because of my drowsiness, which is another health issue. So there are a lot of big obstacles. I normally manage okay, but with my husband and I now fighting a lot, there is just not time for him to help, because we waste our time fighting, so he can't be helping with the house/errands.

Does anyone know where I should even start???? I was hoping getting rid of the TV would free up some time, both mine and his, and it would push me outside. But maybe it would just make me feel more depressed and isolated, since I'm often not feeling up to driving anywhere b/c of my tiredness.

[philomom]

Tv is not the problem. Rather, folks retreat to watching Tv when they feel there's nothing better to do. Can you guys cook together? Play a board game? Take a walk in the evenings? Go for a coffee drink at the local acoustic music scene? What did you enjoy when you were dating?

Is there any time of the day you aren't tired? Maybe you could manage your time better to get some things done while he's at work.


Will you have some help with the baby and chores when the baby is born? Or are you really expecting him to do most of it? Having everything fall on his shoulders is lot for one person, especially one who sees his role changing. If he takes care of you now, will he be taking care of the baby, too? Being the primary breadwinner and the primary caretaker is LOT for anyone.

I'll check in later. I'm not trying to be cruel, I want to find some way for you to get your life on a better track. Babies can be a powerful catalyst for change in our lives. Sounds like a little change is needed here.

[Vaske]

I would first focus on food.  It doesn't sound like you're eating very well.  There are a lot of nutritious foods that don't need to be cooked (cheese, yogurt, fruit, nuts, for example), and a lot of simple one-pot meals that don't require much prep work or cooking effort.  It won't be easy cooking with a new baby, anyway, so it is worthwhile to learn how to cook simply now.  Would it help if you had a high stool in the kitchen, to sit on while cooking?  Do you have a Crock-Pot (throw in a few ingredients, even without chopping the vegetables, and let it go)?

If your husband is an introvert, he is going to need some downtime after work every day.  But it can be a specific length of time, like one hour, and then he can spend some time with you.  Clearly this is something that you very much need from him.  He might consider time spent watching TV together as "quality time" with you--if it's not, you should tell him that.  Also, he might be depressed, too..

Would it be easier for your husband if most of his errands and chores fell on the weekend?  Or you could take your parents up on their kind offer of help and have your helper do the shopping.  (Or you could combine couple time with meal prep time and chop vegetables together for the next day's meals, maybe even while sitting outdoors.)

I have a basic cleaning list for each week, just the minimal tasks that need to get done to keep the house livable, and I've spread them out over the week so that no day's work is too heavy.  If I have enough energy, I do more than what's on the list, but if I don't, that's ok.