Do you think it's cruel not to make children extra food if they don't like what you made? - Page 3

[chickabiddy]

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

I do not tell people that they are bad for not liking food I made, but I am not a short order cook. If someone  does not  like my food, they can make their own. After whole long day at works the last thing I need is to make 3 dinners.

I agree with that.  I have no problem with telling kids who are old enough to fend for themselves, or giving a younger kid an apple and a cheese stick.  I don't think parents need to be caterers or short-order cooks.  I do think it's rather un-gentle to insist that something a child clearly doesn't care for is "delicious":  that's disrespectful of the child's feelings.  (And yes, it's disrespectful for a child to be rude about what's being served.  I wouldn't be okay with that either.)

[SweetSilver]

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

Adults and children all over the world are not picky as they are in US.

Could it be the culture of child-rearing?  More strict?  Could it be that extended families, also more common outside the US, can help with raising children who aren't intensely picky?  Could it be that we in the US are phenomenally crappy cooks?

[greenemami]

Originally Posted by chickabiddy 

I agree with that.  I have no problem with telling kids who are old enough to fend for themselves, or giving a younger kid an apple and a cheese stick.  I don't think parents need to be caterers or short-order cooks.  I do think it's rather un-gentle to insist that something a child clearly doesn't care for is "delicious":  that's disrespectful of the child's feelings.  (And yes, it's disrespectful for a child to be rude about what's being served.  I wouldn't be okay with that either.)

 I seem to be one of the stricter respondents, but I would never insist that my kids pretend to like something or that it is delicious.  Our rule is that if they don't like something, they may say so politely ONE time and then that it is-I got it.  No making faces, huffing and puffing, whining about it.  They don't have to eat it, but that is what is for dinner.  In return, I make note of their dislike and try not to make it a regular dish or at least serve it with sides they do like.  

It actually drives me crazy when one person says they don't like something only to have another, adult or child, chime in with, "Oh, but I LOVE it, it is sooo good," etc.  We don't all like the same things!  It is silly to expect us too, but also silly to expect that mama's going to make everyone happy every single night of the week.  I, for one, am extremely excited for the time when my kids get to take turns making meals too-and I promise to eat or politely refuse what they serve and deal with it :)

[pek64]

It's not about being a short order cook, but is about respect going from parent to child as well as from child to parent. No one said the children should be allowed to be obnoxious. I thought that was abundantly clear in the early responses. However, the parent is not allowed to be obnoxious, either, and some of the more recent posts are bordering on parental poor behavior.

And a situation where a child is repeatedly bypassing the meal shows questionable choices for dinner on the part of the cook. Again, this is not about an occasional meal that is disliked. Those of us who consider our children's feelings and preferences may choose to occasionally choose to make something not preferred, but there would be an alternative that would be eaten. It is no fun to be hungry and watch others eat. It is, in my opinion, cruel.

[One_Girl]

I cook one meal and that is what we have. Dessert is for after that meal is eaten. I used to bend over backwards and do another meal or snack from the same foodgroup but when dd was six I had a serious drop in income and couldn't afford to do that anymore. I was open about not having other options and my dd very quickly got over being picky. Even though I felt awful at the time for having to make the change it is really one of the best things that happened to us because it took a big weight off of me and my dd branched out in a way she was never willing to do when there were many options.

[pek64]

For those who expect their children to behave as though guests in their own home, I certainly hope you are behaving like good hosts.

I have *never* been told I must eat three bites of something before I can leave the table when I am a guest. I would not return to have dinner in a house where I am told to eat what's before me or just sit there and maybe grab myself an apple after dinner.

It is a double standard to expect a child to behave as a guest, while the cook/server is *not* behaving as a host.

So family dinner is different than dining at someone else's house.

Maybe we all should consider the day when we are in an old age home. Would we *want* to be treated the way we treat our children? If the answer is "yes", then I guess you're doing alright. If the answer is "no", then change is in order.

There are two issues being kicked around here.
1. Providing healthy food for our children
2. Being treated with respect, ourselves.

I believe it is possible to provide healthy food for a child while respecting that child, and still be respected.

[azzeps]

I don't think anyone's brought up Ellyn Satter yet, so I will! I like her "family friendly" approach to meals, instead of catering or short order cooking:

http://www.ellynsatter.com/mastering-family-meals-step-four-do-family-friendly-feeding-i-68.html

[onlyzombiecat]

"Do you think it's cruel not to make children extra food if they don't like what you made?" 

I guess it depends on how you handle the situation. Forcing your child to sit at the table until they eat the food you made or refusing to let them eat any other food until that particular plate of food was eaten would be cruel, IMO. Trying to make them feel bad or punishing them would be cruel.

A parent making different meals for everyone every time they don't like something that is served would be ridiculous and overly indulgent.

Teaching the kids to not make a fuss and just go get a sandwich, fruit or a bowl of cereal occasionally if they don't want the meal made sounds healthy and reasonable to me. It teaches them to take care of their own needs.

In my home, I ask everyone for input when I plan meals. I take dd's suggestions for a few nights each week. Some nights she absolutely isn't going to want what dh and I are eating.

I might ask her to taste something before deciding she doesn't want it if it is new. I don't make her sit there and starve or get upset over it. I don't cook a different meal for her but she can make a sandwich or something else on her own and eat it while we eat the other food. It is just one meal out of the day and for me food is not worth entering into some stupid battle of wills over. It isn't going to crush her nutritionally to eat something different. Dd might try more variety of foods as she gets older but if she doesn't want to that is her business.

I've never heard anyone say they love a food because they were forced to eat it as a kid.

[skycheattraffic]

I'm with Alenushka. I make one meal and that's dinner. Usually DD will try it although she may not like it. Fine by me. She gets a healthy, quick alternative. She has zero allergies or issues with textures. She eats spicy food happily. But if shes just not feeling mashed potatoes, broccoli and chicken tonight, thats fine. She gets raw carrots, cheese, yogurt, avocado, etc instead. I understand that for some kids there are sensitivities at play and if DD ALWAYS refused cauliflower for example, I'd just build in an alternative. I usually make mixed vegetables and she picks out what she feels like that day. I'm not ever going to push something specific on her but I will continue to cook what works for us and serve it. She can have it or not, though most things she will at least try.

[pek64]

For those who make only dinner, what does everyone eat for breakfast and lunch? Maybe that's for another thread.

Some folks are saying they make only one meal, but are also saying they make an effort to ensure the child(ren) have something on the table they will eat, or make a quick alternative. That's good.

Some folks are saying they make only one meal and expect it to be eaten, but don't say if they consider preferences or needs. Not so good. Maybe they are being considerate and just haven't communicated it well here.

What about the OP? Do the meals offered ignore the preferences or needs of all? Or only the adults? What alternatives does your husband feel you should be offering? How were meals handled in your childhood home?

[glassesgirlnj]

Originally Posted by pek64 

For those who expect their children to behave as though guests in their own home, I certainly hope you are behaving like good hosts.

I like this analogy a lot!  That being said... 

I would not return to have dinner in a house where I am told to eat what's before me or just sit there and maybe grab myself an apple after dinner.

Do you attend a lot of dinner parties?  I can't imagine a hostess TELLING the guests to "eat what's before [them] or just sit there"... But my understanding is, the polite thing to do, if you don't like what your hostess has made, is exactly that: sit there, push it around your plate cheerfully, and then grab an apple (or something else) on your way home.  Or maybe I just spend too much time reading Etiquette Hell...

Maybe we all should consider the day when we are in an old age home. Would we *want* to be treated the way we treat our children? If the answer is "yes", then I guess you're doing alright. If the answer is "no", then change is in order.

Another extremely good analogy!  When my grandma (who had age-related dementia at the end of her life) wouldn't eat her dinner, we didn't comment on it at all.  Of course, when you're 97 years old, you're allowed to have as much chocolate as you want afterwards... not so much when you're 7 years old, and have a growing body and a whole life ahead of you.

BTW, my (male-bodied) spouse does all the cooking in our home, and does notice whether people eat his cooking or not.  So, neener.

[pek64]

Originally Posted by glassesgirlnj 

You missed my point, which is dining at home is not the same as dining at someone else's house.

If you had no option but to eat at your neighbor's house, and had little say in what was available for breakfast and lunch, too, would you want to face nightly meals that you couldn't stand? How hungry would you get? At some point would manners fail and would you say something?

And how can you express concern for a growing body and not care if the meal is eaten night after night?

Poor behavior can be justified, but that doesn't improve the quality of the behavior. In an ideal home, *all* parties behave with respect toward each other. I'm not sure, from what's been written here, that all posters are modeling respect.

[rightkindofme]

I'm aware that my hubris only pans out because my kids are not picky eaters. What do they get for breakfast and lunch? Breakfast my husband cooks and it is "your starch preference of the day" with the kids choosing between oatmeal, pancakes, french toast, crepes or the grown ups say, "I think it is a protein day" and we have eggs. We generally put yogurt on top of most starches so that the breakfast isn't *just* starch. We only veto starting with a main starch once a week because the kids are not so into eggs. They generally live on the toast that comes with the eggs. Then they start on the fruit basket right after breakfast. Lunch is what they ask for. They like cucumber sandwiches, pbj, ramen, and sometimes we do finger food veggies with dip--they enjoy it because they normally paint the whole table with the dip. Sigh. 

Dinner is the only meal I'm kind of a jerk about. My oldest doesn't like peppers  and my youngest doesn't like potatoes so when those veggies are part of a meal I put ONE BITE on their plate. I say, "Pretty please try it because taste buds are weird and often people grow to like things even if they don't like it at first." I now eat tomatoes willingly which is something I never would have believed before age 26. I am fairly violently opposed to eating seafood of any kind and when we end up at a sushi restaurant through group consensus I have to try a bite of fish every time even though I don't like it. We are fair about our weird dogmatic rules.

[pek64]

Fair is good.

[glassesgirlnj]

Originally Posted by pek64 


You missed my point, which is dining at home is not the same as dining at someone else's house.

Sorry!  I thought you were the one who was using that analogy.  Maybe I'm becoming confused again...

If you had no option but to eat at your neighbor's house, and had little say in what was available for breakfast and lunch, too, would you want to face nightly meals that you couldn't stand? How hungry would you get? At some point would manners fail and would you say something?

Hm, some good points here.  It sounds like you were made to "clean your plate" growing up, even when the food was something you had an intolerance to?  ...I'm coming from the opposite perspective, where I was allowed to eat "one bite" of vegetables and then proceed to "dessert" (AKA as many cookies as I wanted, straight out of the box.)  I ate so much unhealthy food as a child that it was a real challenge for me to appreciate tastes other than salty or sweet as an adult.  Can you see why this is something I don't want for my daughter?

And how can you express concern for a growing body and not care if the meal is eaten night after night?

We in the US (at least that's where I am, not sure about you) consume so many calories during a 24-hour period that I wouldn't be concerned about skipping one meal a day, honestly. My own daughter, 14 months old, eats about five times a day... if she doesn't like a particular meal, there's another one coming along in a couple hours. Maybe your own children are older, or have a different feeding schedule, and that's why you have a different perspective on this? 
 

I'm not sure, from what's been written here, that all posters are modeling respect.

Can you give examples of posts that could be worded more respectfully?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I think a lot of the differences of opinion on this issue is that we are all coming at this from our experiences with our own kids. I don't know a single parent of a picky eater that is not tremendously sympathetic about the challenges of feeding a kid with strong food aversions. I don't know any parents who have seen a lot of success with the "one family meal" approach that wouldn't heartily encourage other parents to give that a try. 

Another layer is that we are often reacting from our own experiences eating as children - a lot of passion and conviction can come from that...not matter what choices we've made as a result. When thought of it this way it's understandable that someone growing up being force-fed liver would have a radically different idea about this than someone growing up remembering food-scarce Russian winters - ESPECIALLY if then their choices are working well for their family. 

Don't know what my point is exactly - other than what another PP (Pek, maybe), if your choices are working and your kids seem to have a good relationship with food, the person preparing meals feels comfortable with the situation, and everyone is getting adequate nutrition, I think we're all doing OK. If not, take the advice and opinions from folks here that resonates well with you and try it on as a family. 

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by SweetSilver 

Could it be the culture of child-rearing?  More strict?  Could it be that extended families, also more common outside the US, can help with raising children who aren't intensely picky?  Could it be that we in the US are phenomenally crappy cooks?

Crappy cooks! LOL. No, not exactly, but sort of? I wrote a whole post about this but then worried it may make others feel defensive or offended so I deleted it. But in essence, I do think we have a particular style of eating in the US that probably does contribute to picky eating... fries, chips, McDonalds and Hostess, bland jarred baby food, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, red 40 & yellow lake 5.... Real food tastes odd in comparison. I've rarely been to a restaurant that offers kid meals that are balanced and/or relevant to the rest of the restaurant's cuisine -- there is a general perception that certain things are not suitable for kids or that kids won't eat them, so it is offered less (if at all)... maybe what I'm saying is that we, as a society, cater excessively to picky eaters, and in turn we are ultimately, though inadvertently, creating even more picky children.

Originally Posted by pek64 

For those who make only dinner, what does everyone eat for breakfast and lunch?

Breakfast is no-cook -- usually fruit & yogurt, or berries & cream, or dinner leftovers. On weekends sometimes DH makes pancakes or something.

Lunch is something quick & easy -- generally leftovers or salad. If I do cook (rare!!), it's something that takes under 5 minutes, like veggie quesadillas.

[Greenlea]

Originally Posted by pek64 

For those who make only dinner, what does everyone eat for breakfast and lunch? Maybe that's for another thread.

Breakfast they get choices...oatmeal, cereal, toast, fruit, yogurt, etc. Because they are easy to make. 

For lunch my boys get the same thing and if there's enough I'll eat it too.  Weekend lunches we all usually eat the same lunch.

And even though I know there are some foods my kids won't eat, if I make it I still put some on their plate hoping maybe today they will try it again and like it. Like my ODS for a while didn't like cooked carrots (but would eat raw carrots fine). I would still put them on his plate. I wouldn't make him eat them at all, but they were there. Now he is eating cooked carrots again. If one of them say "I don't like this" I tell them fine, but you must eat all your ____ instead. 

I am actually working on not being offended when my kids don't like what I make. It takes a lot of time to cook from scratch and I want to feel like they appreciate it while also providing them with healthy food. But because they are young, 4 and 2, their food preferences could literally change daily. 

[IdentityCrisisMama]

In our family we have had a hot breakfast every day for the last 10 years (ever since DC started eating solids). For me, it means a lot to my parental sanity to know that my child has had a hot meal for breakfast - it's a personal quirk. For a long time it was a sprouted wheat bread soaked in an egg with strawberry preserves. Lately it's been a bit more varied so it's anything from a toasted bagel, an omlet, waffles...

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 


Crappy cooks! LOL. No, not exactly, but sort of?

Additionally, I wonder if typical American style dinner cooking (a la the 50's) doesn't involve more labor than in other cultures...I'm not sure about that but it's my suspicion. One of my favorite cook books is "French Cooking in 10 Minutes" and a lot of what makes in that book is one cooked item and then maybe some bread and cheese or some cut carrots or pickles or a small salad. A balanced meal but a large portion of it takes just a minute or two to prepare. 

I also wonder how the issue of frugality comes in to play for families. Certainly it is easier to budget meals when you have a good idea of what people are willing to eat and side snacking isn't so random. Also, it's a challenge with some folks don't want to eat the frugally prepared meals or make due with leftovers and etc. A bit off topic but I'm sure that comes for a lot of people - I know it does for us. 

[wookie]

I think I cook a separate meal for my kids almost every day. It's an unpopular opinion here but like some others I have an extremely picky eater. If I didn't cook him what he likes he really, truly wouldn't eat. If we go on a trip somewhere he will eat nothing for the whole duration unless we can procure his favorite snacks like banana, strawberries, milk (we went to Scotland for 14 days one time and he survived only on the above fruits). We are Indian so our regular dinner fare is dal (lentil stew), roti (wheat flatbread) and a dry curry, which is what his staple food is. Ds is going to be 7 in a couple weeks and he has never eaten a candy, drank soda or eaten a burger in his life. He has always been averse to some textures; it took me 6 months of dogged trying to get him to eat a slice of cheese pizza so he would have something to eat at birthday parties. All this to say that although my son eats healthy food almost exclusively, it is still only one KIND of food. So, if I didn't cook his staple for him, say if we're eating pasta for dinner one day, then he would likely not eat. So I do. He's in the 10th percentile for weight, always has been, and I won't see him fall off the chart so I cook for him.

Maybe he will grow up to be the pickiest eater alive. That's his life, his choice. I will make sure he knows how to cook what he will eat and that's all I feel I can do for him.