Not so good doula meeting... Feeling a little left in the lurch... « Back to Group Discussions

[BeanBean06]

S I went back to try and find the original thread... But I couldn't find it...

At any rate, I found my doula back when I was 17 weeks preg. I'm nearly 30 weeks now. We have emailed back and forth and she was always very positive and supportive through the cerclage placement and all the drama we've been through... I also should mention that she just had a baby, like 3weeks ago. All along she has been saying that by march she would be ready to work births again... And the plan was that if I went super early, like before march. That she would send me one of her back ups! Well she came over today so talk abt my birth plan (should I go term) and help me talk through a tentative plan of what would be important to remember and "plan" for should baby come early. We also talked abt hospital policy and what not... I got the info for the placental encapsulation person...etc.

Well after all this (she was here for like almost 2 hrs) she says so since my baby is so small I'm not going to be able to attend your birth unless you make it to ur due date or go over due! WHAT!?!?!! ME? OVERDUE? I've been fighting preterm labor since 18/20 weeks. They are taking the cerclage out at 36 weeks (which will be march 4th or there around...) she has know this forever and she's just now telling me this! She said all along she would be ready in march. I asked her why she just went through all this planning with me if that was the case... Hr response? "Well most first time moms go past their due date so we should be good."
WHAT? Idk whether its the new baby and lack of sleep effecting her mind or what but IM NOT "MOST" first time moms! Ugh.

So idk what to do now... My DH has been reading and researching a lot abt labor and delivery and soothing techniques and what not and he thinks we can do it and don't need her... And DH and I do make a really good team with all else in life... But we've never had a baby before... Ugh.

So if you've made it this far... Lol

What would you all do in this case? Those that have had doulas was it essential? or just a perk? I don't want to look for another doula... I hate tht money is an issue but it is... and she works with people and was giving us an amazing deal... and none of the others I called before offered that...

(She will still come over after the baby is born if I need LC support with breast feeding)

[omphaloskepsis]

I have no experience with doulas so I can't advise, but I just wanted to say OH MY WORD I can't believe she did that to you! It sounds like she was really misleading and I would be pretty upset about that if it were me! How derpy do you have to be to think that somebody fighting preterm labor for that long is going to go overdue just because they're a first time mom?? Yeesh! I'm just...baffled. (((HUGE HUGS))) and I hope you figure it out with minimal stress!! I'm totally indignant for you!

[mjdecbaby]

Not all first time mothers go overdue. That's an old wives tale. She's a professional and should know the statistics don't prove that. I went early with #1 and I wasn't even 2 cm dilated the day before I gave birth, had no contractions before then etc.

I didn't find my doula to be particularly helpful as far as helping me cope with the pain. That could be due to the conditions I was laboring in- being stuck in triage for many hours due to what seemed like every pregnant lady in NYC going into labor at the same time. But what the doula did help with was allowing my husband to feel comfortable leaving my side so he could fight to get me into a real L&D room at the hospital.

Perhaps you have a friend or family member you would feel comfortable with being in the room so that if dh needs to advocate for you he can leave your side? Or someone who you're confident could help advocate for you if needed either with a similar situation or to help uphold your birth plan.

[brooklyn_warbler]

What happened to her offering one of her backups if you go early?  Did you get any of this in writing?
 

[firespiritmelody]

Oh BeanBean, that is so unprofessional of her and it gives all doulas a bad name.

A good doula is worth her weight in gold and then some. But, not all doulas are created equal and sometimes you have to interview quite a few to find the one that's going to be right for you. Unfortunately the new doulas are the ones that are likely to do free or reduced rates as they need the experience and it's often that lack of experience that lends to a less then stellar performance on her part. But a good doula? They can and will do so much.

What's her plan for her little one if you have a really long labor? That would concern me as much as anything whether you deliver in March or April - she's got a little baby, is she really prepared to leave them for 36 hours if you have a long labor? I'd guess not. I would ask for her back up's contact info and see if you can meet with them and if you click. They might be perfect for you.

This is the site for my friend and mentor - she's been a doula for over 30 years, long before the word "doula" even existed. Look through her pictures and testimonials. Testimonials really are the best way to see what a difference a doula can make for your birth. www.pattiramos.com

ETA: If nothing else, a doula will give your awesome husband a chance to go to the bathroom, get a drink or something to eat, or even catch an hour or two sleep if your labor is long without feeling like he's abandoning you.

[BeanBean06]

Thank you all for being so supportive!!! To answer some of your questions... We did not have any of the paperwork done yet, not had I yet paid her (that all was suppose to happen yesterday) and I actually wrote the check and handed it to her before she said all this... My DH walked into the room and took the check back without saying a word once she said all she did. I've tried to call last evening and this morning and she isn't returning my calls. I have a feeling she doesn't want to be apart of any of this anymore and frankly I don't want her to be!!! As far as getting her back ups info.... Ill ask if I ever get ahold of her. But that is doubtful.

She also seemed very flustered at the meeting, she had her baby with her, which was totally fine of course! I enjoyed being around such a little one but she had this attutide that her baby was such an annoyance,,.. It really bothered me. And just didn't sit right with me.

I'm contemplating asking my aunt if she would come to our birth. She isn't the most "natural" parent lol and didn't breastfeed BUT she is a super positive, energetic and supportive person! She also had a natural (ie no pain meds) birth with her first! I know she is def the type of person that would support and going along with whatever we wanted! And she also has a big mouth so speaking up to the nurses if need be wouldn't be a prob for her! Only issue with her is she lives over an hr away. So we def wouldn't call her til I was sure the baby was for sure coming and I was in active labor.... If she agrees to it, ill feel really good the situations.

[rnra]

Based on your descriptions, I'd 100% bag the doula and stop communicating with her.  It sounds like both your husband and your aunt will be able to provide great emotional support and cheerleading--I'd go with them!

Also, why in the world does it matter to the doula how large or small your baby is?  Her job is to provide emotional support to the laboring woman, she has no responsibilities towards the newborn that would be affected by size (i.e. she doesn't resuscitate the newborn, hands-on assist with delivery, etc.).  It sounds like she was just fishing for a way to get out of coming to your delivery.  Leave her and never look back.

[alaskanmomma]

Why won't she attend your birth if your daughter is a preemie? That just sounds so weird :\ I'd ask her what her reasonings behind not wanting to attend the birth if she's early. It's not like she can be held liable for anything that could possibly happen to you/baby or anything like that, so I just can't wrap my mind around why she doesn't want to be there for support..

I didn't have a doula for my 2 kids, but am having one for my 3rd.. I think that they are pretty useful, but you can definitely have a baby without one, and have an impowering, beautiful birth experience without one.

[BeanBean06]

Rnra & alaskanmomma -- I think there was a miss understanding in my first post. The reason she gave for not being able to attend my birth in march was that HER baby she just had would still be too young! Not that she was concerned that our baby would be to early or small. Sorry if I gave the wrong impression... At any rate tho... This isn't her first child! It's her 4th and she KNEW abt how old her new baby would be all along in march... So it still doesn't explain or justify why she would string me along! She's been dumped. I'm over it. I'm way too tired to be strung along. DH and I have our childbirth class on Saturday and ill think we'll be just fine

Thank you all for the support! It really means so much