Did anyone else consider abortion, want to share feelings now that we are staying pregnant? « Back to Group Discussions

[here we are]

I had a really rough day in so many ways. It got me back to thinking about how i had considered having an abortion earlier in the pregnancy even though i never thought i would but i was just so overwhelmed. Now i havent thought about it for a while but i am wondering if i should have. Its probably just me having a bad day&feeling incapable of becoming a mother . My emotions are so intense and its really hard sometimes. Then i get feeling bad just thinking that i considered it and make myself feel worse which i know does me no good. Then i get thinking about why i considered it, and its all so confusing &so many things in my life crossroading. I just dont feel enough support from my partner &its getting worse i think. I feel like he cant process any of my feelings with me, like he is not understanding me at all. I try to de clutter my apt to feel better&he refuses to help, saying i am stressing myself &the baby out, but i can not relax looking at these messes&i want him to help me so its not so hard. I worry it wont be done on time &all the other things i have to do that i cant simplify. I wish i had a normal keyboard, this is so tedious.

[coalifetime]

'here we are' you are very brave to share such strong feelings that are real for you.  I think that many women have been in your situation and are not able to see their emotions so clearly, but some are.   Give yourself a big hug Momma!   It is okay for you to work through these feelings and it is healthy to seek support while you process them too.   I am not a counselor but I would look for someone who seems to be on neutral ground (maybe your partner is not ready to provide this for you now.)  Forgive yourself for things that you view in your mind as 'not being good enough' and recognize how you grow and what you are learning.

This is my third pregnancy and this is a *bonus* baby that we had not planned for.  I remember thinking at the beginning (and I was in shock)  that a certain percentage of people in my situation may choose to abort.  We are not always ready to have a pregnancy that we did not plan for.   There is a bit of control in our lives that has been taken away.  Why did this happen?   For me my relgious beliefs helped ease this transition period, but I understand that not everyone here in our group is going to share the same religious beliefs.   I think we are looking for purpose and love though, and I will be praying that you can find that love/energy/support in some way as you make it through the trials of pregnancy.   

Since part of your original post deals with your partner not understanding your pregnancy emotions.... can I just say that this is a whole 'nother topic, LOL!   I find myself locking myself in the bedroom and hollering and demanding understanding from my partner *only* when I am pregnant.  This time is no different.  I am at my most sensitive and volatile states when I am pregnant and it sure does take a ton of energy to try to get my partner to ease my concerns and weigh in on what I need of him to weigh in on. 

[Monkey pants]

You know what? I had similar feelings with my last surprize pregnancy. I had just reunited with my boyfriend and things were not that stable. I was already a single mom and knew how hard and rewarding a child can be. I was terrified. I had the baby. He is the most incredible child. He literally makes me happy every single day. Even if things don't work out with your partner you can get through this. I left my dd's father when she was 4 months old. Not a dime to my name making 7.5o an hour. I survived and thrived!! We have had adventures and pitfalls but I wouldn't change it for anything. Stay strong. You can do it.

[heyitskalista]

A surprise pregnancy is super difficult.  There are a whole range of emotions that are totally normal and acceptable.  Let yourself work through them.  But try to remember not to let the little things weigh you down.  I know you've been feeling overwhelmed with all kinds of things...just try to take it all one step at a time. 

Have you talked to your partner about your feelings?  Maybe he's having trouble processing the pregnancy too!  We all deal in different ways...maybe you two just need a little more communication?

I agree with coalifetime, maybe try seeking out a 3rd party that you can talk to about everything.  If you feel comfortable with your OB or midwife, that can be a good place to start!

(((hugs))) mama!!!
 

[mizlizzy]

I echo what coalifetime has said, and I want to encourage you to find some support local to you, cause there is only so much strangers on the internet can do. It sounds like you are feeling really panicky, and overwhelmed, but there is help out there. Maybe there is a group of pregnant moms you can join for support, or maybe you midwife can help direct you to a therapist or consellor. I'm not sure where you live, but in many areas through the county health department there is a some kind of program that helps connect pregnant women with the help and support they need; here it is called the MOMs program and they help expecting women find pre-natal care, safe housing, connect with social services like WIC, and help with substance abuse and mental health issues.  If you participate in WIC, try asking there or calling social services. I know it is really hard to ask for help, but if you can find the right person, they are happy to help. In my area the people at WIC are really helpful and in the job because the want to help moms and babies, so that is why I suggest that as a starting place. Take care of yourself, mama, we are rooting for you!

[rf1170]

I considered an abortion too.  However, I think my husband would have been really disappointed and it might have caused us more problems than an unplanned pregnancy would.  Ultimately, that's the only reason I decided to do this thing.  Which is a terrible way to phrase it, I know!  I don't think you should feel bad for letting it cross your mind; I know I don't.  That said, if you're really worried about being able to take care of a child, it would probably help to examine why you feel that way - what are the tasks/characteristics that seem unattainable to you?  Is there any way that you can begin to prepare yourself for them now?  The desire to arrange your physical space seems like a manifestation of a desire to prepare.  That's positive!  And it's not a waste of time or energy to do that.  It's true, it's probably not helpful to become overly stressed about it, but the task itself is valuable, I think.

Have you had an appointment with a doctor or midwife yet?  That's a big step that might help you feel more attached to the process.  That wasn't the case for me, so I've been trying to find another way to connect with... not with my fetus, because that seems strange to me, but rather with the idea of pregnancy and motherhood.  I've been writing about the kind of life I wanted to have (that didn't include children), and finding ways to judge certain goals realistic or not.  If something is realistic (like, for example, living in another country), I think about the steps I'd need to take to do that with a child in tow.  Personally, knowing that I don't have to sacrifice the life I've been building is very reassuring. 

Anyway, I hope that you find a way to work through what you're feeling, and I'm sorry that you had such a rough day.  Good luck with your organizing, and I hope your partner comes around!
 

[Ruheling]

I echo what coaltlifetime and mizlizzy have said. It sounds like you're really feeling overwhelmed and you don't have a lot of day-to-day support.  I know you've mentioned before that you already have a therapist, but I would STRONGLY encourage you to find some additional (professional and personal) support in your real life--and be open to what they suggest. A bunch of strangers on the internet can only offer so much help. Please don't consider this a sign of weakness at all, but one of strength. It's tough to ask for help, but ultimately, it's going to be one of the best things to support yourself and your little one.