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Another teen girl weight thread - Page 2

post #21 of 42

You don't talk about weight but you talk about breasts and belly being too big. You think that is somehow better?

post #22 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

But truly, really honestly - I don't want my daughter to struggle with the health issues that belly fat brings. My [overweight] mom had breast cancer x2. My husband's family is riddled with heart disease, also correlated to belly fat. I think she has an opportunity now to learn some good habits and I am anxious about her learning them.

sweet mama. i have tears reading this paragraph. you bare your soul so openly (in all your writings). i envy that. i hear you. i totally understand you. it is the same in my family. but your dd is her own person. why are you assuming she will be that way. she is JUST 13. are you reading all those articles online. STOP. dont freak yourself out. i KNOW the media is FULL of doom and gloom. Why are you falling for that. i just went online to check up on teen belly fat and OMG - all doom and gloom about why it is so bad. nowhere in 4 pages did i find any development information about why belly fat is normal and part of growing up in teens. if you want to talk to your dd - dont tell her what to do. bare your soul to her. dont tell her she has a huge belly. tell her when you see her belly you think of your mother and you are so scared that dd will be overweight and she will get cancer too. btw i KNOW you know this but not all overweight people get cancer. dont let your love for your child 'kill' her, but instead let it help her grow and shine. 

 

you CAN do this mama. i believe in you. just stop what you are doing now - coz it might lead to you killing your child and making her live a living dead life. sounds harsh. yes. i have too many friends living a living dead life. it all started in their teens.  

 

On the other other hand, I have a hard time seeing my beautiful baby in a two-piece with her belly hanging over the waist band. It's not what I pictured when envisioned her as a grown up. Call me bad, because I probably am, to be so rigid about the definition of beauty.

Oh kareneb i LOVE your dd. wow what a powerful girl she is. OMG you dont have to worry about her. at 13 she wears a two piece and doesnt care about her belly showing!!!! that is way too AWESOME!!!!

 

mama i think you need to go inwards. and you need to learn stuff from your dd. for a girl who doesnt care of society ideas of who wears a two piece. i think you underestimate your dd a little perhaps. go on a stroll and find out what she things. what lies inside her. you might be surprised. 

 

and you need to calm down. i dont know what it takes. but at this point of time if you dont slow down, perhaps what you fear WILL come true because you werent there when your dd needed you. 

post #23 of 42
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post

You don't talk about weight but you talk about breasts and belly being too big. You think that is somehow better?

In the context of health, I think it is alright to talk about belly fat. Most of the long term health issues related to weight are correlated to belly fat. I get my waist measured every year at my annual physical because waist measurements higher than 31" for women correlate closely to heart disease.

 

So yeah.

 

And my daughter and I talked about her breasts because she is unsure how to manage them, what bra to wear, how to choose clothing. It's a big challenge to be big breasted. I think she is worried about it. I'm not really, except in the challenge of having to spend $100+ monthly to buy new bras, finding clothes that fit, etc. etc. Yesterday when she talked she didn't know that her breasts might stop growing one day, because honestly for the last year they've grown non stop. I imagine in her mind she probably had a flickering worry that they would never stop. I do think that controlling your weight helps in keeping your breasts from growing, but ultimately this is going to be determined by genetics, as someone above on this thread said.

post #24 of 42
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

Oh kareneb i LOVE your dd. wow what a powerful girl she is. OMG you dont have to worry about her. at 13 she wears a two piece and doesnt care about her belly showing!!!! that is way too AWESOME!!!!

 

mama i think you need to go inwards. and you need to learn stuff from your dd. for a girl who doesnt care of society ideas of who wears a two piece. i think you underestimate your dd a little perhaps. go on a stroll and find out what she things. what lies inside her. you might be surprised. 

 

and you need to calm down. i dont know what it takes. but at this point of time if you dont slow down, perhaps what you fear WILL come true because you werent there when your dd needed you. 

thank you meemee. you are awesome.

post #25 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

In the context of health, I think it is alright to talk about belly fat. Most of the long term health issues related to weight are correlated to belly fat. I get my waist measured every year at my annual physical because waist measurements higher than 31" for women correlate closely to heart disease.

 

So yeah.

 

And my daughter and I talked about her breasts because she is unsure how to manage them, what bra to wear, how to choose clothing. It's a big challenge to be big breasted. I think she is worried about it.

 

I have a DD who is quite large busted, so I've had conversations about bras, swimsuits, etc. I have NEVER said anything like this:

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

I said "You know, you don't have to have these large breasts [We tried on size L dresses yesterday at a store and they are too small now. In September she was wearing a S - these are adult sizes, just to be clear]. You can make different choices about what you eat and your clothes might fit better."

 

I think what you said was completely and totally out of line.  For most women with large breasts, reduction surgery is the only way to make them smaller. I think it is part of our job as moms to help our DDs learn to accept themselves exactly how they are, not tell them their bodies are wrong. They can get that message from plenty of other people as well as the media.

 

Yes, teach your DD how to eat well and help her find forms of activity she enjoys, but stop with all this nonsense about her boobs and belly. That's personal. Those are the comments that will erode her sense of self and her relationship with you.

 

Get over the fact your DD has breasts. Shes turning into a woman. It's OK. She may have bigger boobs than you. That's just how it is.

 

You sound unhappy with yourself, and you need to address that. We cannot give our children what we do not have. As long as you are hung up on your body, then you can only pass your hung ups on to her. Get a therapist or a personal trainer or whatever it is YOU need.

 

Also, get the junk food and sugar and crap out of your house. It isn't good for any of you, and its a completely mixed message. The reason to have healthy habits is so we can be healthy, not so our offspring will have a certain body type.

post #26 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

I am struggling with this last comment, a lot. It is true that I wish she had kept her slim body from a year ago. I think life is so much easier when you can find clothes easily. Beyond that, I think all of us struggle with body image and I wish my daughter didn't have to struggle with her body more than I did/do. I think my breasts are too large and there are lots of clothes I won't wear because I'll end up looking pregnant. She will have the same problem, much worse than me.

 

aargh i missed this. the bolded part. no mama no. i can definitely tell you that. 

 

i am fat. my dd was fat till she hit puberty. i've had to do a LOT of damage control over the bullying she dealt with even from close family members. and we are both comfortable in our bodies. yeah i should lose some weight. i am slowly working on that. when my dd heard me say oh i need to lose a few more pounds she got mad. she says ma why do you have to parrot society. you look beautiful as you are. being fat is not a synonym for being ugly. lol i had to explain i am doing that as a preventative measure. for health reasons since my inheritance from my ancestors suck. 

 

as i grow older i watch myself. that is not equal to struggle with body image. my dd does not have an issue with her body image. actually she did at 5 because of the ridiculous things that were happening to her... but once we had the talk - all her issues went out the window. 

 

nowhere do i see your dd struggling with body image. i see you struggling with it. she just wants to wear more revealing clothes. so normal. 

 

you need to look at obese people around you. seriously. some of the best dressed people i see on the road are obese people. say 300 pounds rather than 400 pounds. my friend is the best dressed out of all of my friends and she sure takes care to wear good clothes. she walks with pride and it shows in her attitude. 

 

i was teased so much as a kid over my breasts that i wished i had smaller ones. my size - 34A. THAT was ridiculous. 

 

big breasts are glorious things. lol another of my friends has bowling balls and boy does she dress them well. she looks GREAT!!!!

 

so no. not everyone has a body image issue. 

post #27 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I have a DD who is quite large busted, so I've had conversations about bras, swimsuits, etc. I have NEVER said anything like this:


I think what you said was completely and totally out of line.  For most women with large breasts, reduction surgery is the only way to make them smaller. I think it is part of our job as moms to help our DDs learn to accept themselves exactly how they are, not tell them their bodies are wrong. They can get that message from plenty of other people as well as the media.

Yes, teach your DD how to eat well and help her find forms of activity she enjoys, but stop with all this nonsense about her boobs and belly. That's personal. Those are the comments that will erode her sense of self and her relationship with you.

Get over the fact your DD has breasts. Shes turning into a woman. It's OK. She may have bigger boobs than you. That's just how it is.

You sound unhappy with yourself, and you need to address that. We cannot give our children what we do not have. As long as you are hung up on your body, then you can only pass your hung ups on to her. Get a therapist or a personal trainer or whatever it is YOU need.

Also, get the junk food and sugar and crap out of your house. It isn't good for any of you, and its a completely mixed message. The reason to have healthy habits is so we can be healthy, not so our offspring will have a certain body type.

I agree. Especially since you don't KNOW that her breasts will get significantly smaller if she loses weight. What if she loses weight and still has large breasts? Then what?
post #28 of 42
Thread Starter 

Yes, you are all right, I need to get off the large breast issue. It's hard to rock my 32Ds and look good and also look appropriate in my professional setting. I had a friend many years ago who was quite petite and was huge on top and I so so so admired her ability to dress beautifully and always look like a queen. I am in sore need of the budget and sense to do the same! This year we've bought dresses and then had them altered so they looked good, but there's not a lot of $$ to spend on this kind of approach. It is what it is, I guess.

 

My daughter and I had her ped visit today. She is right on her growth curve for height and is in the 90th percentile for BMI. The ped and she talked about how to stay fit and trim, how to keep your metabolism moving, how to grow into your womanly body. My daughter and I talked on the way to school and she agreed that I have been pushing too hard on her food choices, but she also told me that of course she is beautiful and she knows that I find her beautiful.

 

We agreed that it is very challenging to find flattering clothes when you have a very curvy body. Last night we shopped for a while at Target. She found a great dress that flatters her. She also tried on jeans and shorts that made my skin crawl. This is just how it's going to be for a while until she figures out that the low risers with the straight cut are just not going to work on her body. Do you ladies buy your daughters shorts that stop at the panty line? This is nuts IMO, but it appears to be the fashion of the moment.

 

We're going to go bathing suit shopping soon. I buy mine online now because no where have I found a place that will sell a bathing suit to hold my breasts. Seriously, all the retail stores are selling suits that are made for B or C cups, or even have padding. Do you, Linda on the move, have any recs for where to shop?

post #29 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

Yes, you are all right, I need to get off the large breast issue. It's hard to rock my 32Ds and look good and also look appropriate in my professional setting. I had a friend many years ago who was quite petite and was huge on top and I so so so admired her ability to dress beautifully and always look like a queen. I am in sore need of the budget and sense to do the same! This year we've bought dresses and then had them altered so they looked good, but there's not a lot of $$ to spend on this kind of approach. It is what it is, I guess.

 

My daughter and I had her ped visit today. She is right on her growth curve for height and is in the 90th percentile for BMI. The ped and she talked about how to stay fit and trim, how to keep your metabolism moving, how to grow into your womanly body. My daughter and I talked on the way to school and she agreed that I have been pushing too hard on her food choices, but she also told me that of course she is beautiful and she knows that I find her beautiful.

 

We agreed that it is very challenging to find flattering clothes when you have a very curvy body. Last night we shopped for a while at Target. She found a great dress that flatters her. She also tried on jeans and shorts that made my skin crawl. This is just how it's going to be for a while until she figures out that the low risers with the straight cut are just not going to work on her body. Do you ladies buy your daughters shorts that stop at the panty line? This is nuts IMO, but it appears to be the fashion of the moment.

 

We're going to go bathing suit shopping soon. I buy mine online now because no where have I found a place that will sell a bathing suit to hold my breasts. Seriously, all the retail stores are selling suits that are made for B or C cups, or even have padding. Do you, Linda on the move, have any recs for where to shop?

Lands End do swimsuits with up to a DDD cup.

post #30 of 42
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post

Lands End do swimsuits with up to a DDD cup.

Yes. I have Lands End suits, and Athleta, too. I love them. Last time I showed those catalogs to my daughter she made sounds of disgust and ran out of the room. These are the trials of having a busty teen.

 

I'm wondering if there are actual brick & mortar stores that carry suits like these.

post #31 of 42
There are a couple of brick and motor stores that sell swimsuits in cup sizes in my city, but most aren't chains so the names won't help you. Try specialty bra and swim suit stores. Use the internet, Yellow pages, and phone before taking your dd out.

Once we found some at Sears.

Btw, my experience is that clothes shopping with a 13 year old girl isn't fun for mother or dd, regardless of breast size. This improves in a year or 2. ;-)
post #32 of 42
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

There are a couple of brick and motor stores that sell swimsuits in cup sizes in my city, but most aren't chains so the names won't help you. Try specialty bra and swim suit stores. Use the internet, Yellow pages, and phone before taking your dd out.

Once we found some at Sears.

Btw, my experience is that clothes shopping with a 13 year old girl isn't fun for mother or dd, regardless of breast size. This improves in a year or 2. ;-)

I hope so, because frankly my anxiety over this issue is always heightened by the shopping experience. My daughter loves shopping and I generally hate it, so that's an additional feature.

 

Thanks for your help. I've done some googling to see what curvy girl bathing suits are out there and I've found some hopeful items. We might end up at Forever 21 this wknd - they apparently offer curvy girl styles so we'll see what happens there in terms of shorts.

post #33 of 42

Bravissimo is not cheap, but carries clothes that are designed for very curvy women: http://www.bravissimo.com/

 

Many swimsuit manufacturers make swimsuit tops that are bra-sized and offer the support of a well-made bra: http://www.barenecessities.com/Bra-Sized-Swimwear-Swimwear_catalog_nxs,121,style,37636.htm

post #34 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

Yes, you are all right, I need to get off the large breast issue. It's hard to rock my 32Ds and look good and also look appropriate in my professional setting. I had a friend many years ago who was quite petite and was huge on top and I so so so admired her ability to dress beautifully and always look like a queen. I am in sore need of the budget and sense to do the same! This year we've bought dresses and then had them altered so they looked good, but there's not a lot of $$ to spend on this kind of approach. It is what it is, I guess.

 

 

 

I think this is the key!  I know skinny ladies who don't look great or particularly healthy, and I know larger ladies who glow with life and beauty and always look great!  I wear a 34 DD bra and work in a professional job, and to be honest I never think about how to best accommodate my boobs.  Maybe everyone else thinks I look ridiculous, but no one's ever said anything and I feel comfortable in my womanly body.  When you feel comfortable in your own skin, everything else falls into place.  You can put your daughter on that path.  I, like many pps, think the best way is to stop talking about it, including trying to teach her about how to eat.  Go shopping together and cheerily buy her some low rise jeans - wearing things that embarrass us later is what being 13 is all about!

post #35 of 42

ITA with those who say that you need to just back off. Model healthy eating and behavior. As for the candy, cookies, etc.? I found it better to encourage a "moderation in everything" outlook was better than banning any single type of food. I've found that the latter tends to encourage binging on the forbidden food, whereas (in most cases) allowing it to a reasonable degree led to more reasoned consumption. (Note - there are, of course, people who simply cannot control themselves - my ex is one of them). 

 

As for your daughter... Stop stressing over her weight/body. It sounds as though it bothers you more than it does her. ]As for the clothes she wants? Eh... don't sweat it - as a pp stated, 13 is a time when you wear stuff that will embarrass you in years to come. If she is confident in herself, she'll pull it off. Or she will learn what looks better on her. There are some beautiful clothes for larger women. It's really a matter of having a sense of style. I don't. My daughter does. LOL SHE takes ME shopping. 

post #36 of 42

This thread has me livid.  kareneb, I think that everything you have said in this thread and the things you say to your daughter, are just awful.  I think that instead of taking her to her psychiatrist, you should get one and deal with your extreme body-controlling, eating disorder issues.  Focusing on your daughter's body parts is way more dangerous than some 13 year old belly chunk (which most of the time goes away, she is not even close to full grown yet).  You are at great risk to turn her into an anorexic or bulimic.  Perhaps that is the only way you will feel happy and proud of her body though.  At least that is what it sounds like.  Focus on your own self and leave her alone.  

post #37 of 42

I think the best way to approach this is from a fitness standpoint. Forget about trying to control her portions and forget about what her belly or her breasts look like and for heaven's sake don't say anything about her appearance unless it's something positive or something easily fixable ("hey, let me tuck your tag in").

 

Focus on fitness. You said she won't exercise. Well, walk with her. Sign her up for yoga. See if you can get her and her friends into a Zumba class. Focus on fitness for HEALTH and food for HEALTH — completely forget about weight and shape. That is not important at all. If she's eating healthy foods and exercising that's all that is important. There are plenty of big women out there who are very healthy like the olympic swimmer Leisel Jones from Australia who was called fat in the media (she won a Gold). You can't get much healthier than an Olympic swimmer!! Certainly she's more fit than the stick models that advertising agencies would tell us we need to emulate.

 

Your daughter needs to hear from you that the media portrayal of women is screwed up and that being healthy is what she needs to be concerned about. It sounds like she's doing a great job ignoring the voices out there that torment so many girls and women and tell them they're not good enough, not skinny enough, etc. She definitely does need to hear positive messages about healthy eating habits and healthy exercise. You can help by exercising with her and only buying sweets and junk food like chips and cheetos and sodas occasionally. I don't think you need to eliminate junk food altogether, but don't have it in the house all the time either. Save it for a special occasion.

 

As far as the too short-shorts and too sexy clothes you might want to talk to her about the media's portrayal of women. I would not let my kids buy short shorts with "juicy" across the butt, but they wouldn't want to anyway. You might look into some resources for talking to your dd about feeling good about herself (sounds like she's got this one down, which is awesome); being fit and making healthy choices (only gets more important as she gets older and drugs and alcohol are out there); and the way women are portrayed in the media (often too sexy, too airbrushed, too skinny, too b!tchy, too demeaning). If you and she haven't seen the Dove Real Beauty Campaign video of how fake the cover girl look is that's a great place to start from. Dove has a good kit for talking to your daughter about these kinds of issues, too. As an adult you might be interested in http://www.missrepresentation.orghttp://dayofthegirl.orghttp://thebravediscussion.comhttp://www.webmd.com/healthy-beauty/features/helping-girls-with-body-imagehttp://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report.aspx and I know there are many more resources out there too.

 

I have NEVER talked to my kids about their weight in anything but a positive way and I have never talked about my weight much at all, but I have had hundreds of conversations about good food and healthy habits and getting plenty of exercise and not being a couch potato over the years. That's what you need to talk about and you can't talk about her w/o talking about yourself, so be sure to practice what you preach.

 

There are so many great ways to exercise. My dd1 is into rock climbing lately. Walking, bike-riding, hiking, geo-caching, Wii, Zumba, dance, ultimate frisbee, canoeing, swimming, etc, are all great activities to build fitness levels. Maybe you want to sign up for a couch to 5K program as a family. 

 

I know you want her to not be overweight and unhealthy, but you're focusing on her shape and weight when you should be focusing on everyone in your family getting fit. Your discussion needs to be framed around getting healthy and you probably need to do it yourself, too. Maybe you can use yourself as an excuse and ask her to be your workout buddy.

 

 

Good luck!!

post #38 of 42
nevermind.

Edited by mtiger - 2/25/13 at 4:54am
post #39 of 42

Lots of great discussion and advice on this thread.  Thanks for being so open about your feelings with us, OP. 
 

post #40 of 42

Kareneb - you are doing a superb job!  

 

I love love love your honesty about your feelings and how to convey to your daughter how you feel without traumatizing her. 

 

The fact that you are concerned is right where you should be.   More parents should have these talks with their sons and daughters.  More parents should educate themselves on what they are eating.  

 

A teenager shouldn't have a gut.  As long as they aren't preparing for a growth spurt.  Most of my kids grew out before they grew up.  But on the whole - teenagers should NOT have a gut.  

 

I think it is wonderful that you are educating her.   And Beanma is on the money with the fitness advice.  

 

edited to add:

 

I do not buy shorts for her that stop at her panty line.  Her shorts come down onto her thigh.  She's 17

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