these are also his children and I don't see she has all the say here regardless of how she feels
maybe HE is trying we are only hearing her side of it- as with everything there are more sides always
you make a great point, but I really feel like he ideally would take her feelings into account and give her some time and space to deal with all of this.
it could be even worse- he could have just left her and the kids and started another family and wanted nothing to do with the other one- at least he comes off as caring about the first set of kids
the other woman still doesn't get all the blame in my book- it takes two!
it could be even worse- he could have just left her and the kids and started another family and wanted nothing to do with the other one- at least he comes off as caring about the first set of kids
I get it. The OP's "not being an adult" because she'd like a little time to process things before rushing into any decision, while the husband gets extra point for not totally ditching one of the two families that he quite willingly created.
I get it. The OP's "not being an adult" because she'd like a little time to process things before rushing into any decision, while the husband gets extra point for not totally ditching one of the two families that he quite willingly created.
thank you. the OP is not the enemy here. no one is. the truth is that HE made this mess. HE hurt his family, severely. HE doesn't get any brownie points in my book for doing the right thing and still caring about the children he created under the vow of wedlock. no one will handle this perfectly. everyone will get hurt to some degree in this situation. I do believe OP is more of an adult for taking time to consider the feelings and ramifications that her future decision will render. I cannot say the same for her DH, who willingly participated in a lengthy affair which produced a child and now expects that the OP should follow his direction. NO ONE is perfect. no one. we all make mistakes. OP is totally imperfect and has made mistakes in her marriage, too. she, however, is NOT responsible for making sure that her DH's BIGASS mistake is swept up and cleaned up.
What's so ludicrous about the assertion that the OP needs to "be an adult," already, is that she has just had a situation thrown into her lap that has been going on for well over a year -- close to two, if I'm not mistaken. If the husband had let her know immediately when he decided to start seeing OW, or even let her know immediately when he realized OW was expecting his baby, or even let her know immediately when this child was born, the OP would have had months and months to work through all this, and while still hurting, be in a position by now, if not sooner, to figure out exactly where she wants to go from here.
Her husband clearly wanted to keep his options open, and he held off on telling her until such time as he felt like he was in a position to deal, or avoid completely dealing, with the fallout.
He kept his options open for well over a year in a situation that he chose to make for himself -- but people are criticizing the OP for not wanting to rush into anything and for needing maybe a few months to deal with a situation that she clearly had no part in making.
OP, I don't think you'd be out of line, or harming any of the children, if you told your husband that you'd like as much time to process this information as he took to process his affair, and his toddler baby, before dumping it all on you. I'm not saying that's necessarily what you "should" do, or what would be best for you and your kids -- I'm just sayin', you're not being out of line if you need some more time. He sure took all the sweet time he wanted.
As I heal from my unhealthy marriage, I have learned that a good man will give his wife whatever space she needs to heal from whatever mistake he made. He may want to patch everything up immediately and move on but a good man will stand back and not make demands and accept whatever decision she comes to. When I told X that I wanted to end our marriage he went pretty crazy with all kinds of accusations, demands, guilt-trips, and no space. So many friends and several therapists told me that a good man would be upset but he would have respected my decision without the insane harassment. My point is that if you look at his affair as a mistake by a good man, he should be treating you and the situation very very differently. He should be respectful, he should be sympathetic, he should be remourseful, etc.
You have been so taken advantage of, mama. I get why it's so hard to make any clear decision on anything. He sounds pretty confident when he says things - like 'it has nothing to do with you'. Of course that makes you doubt yourself to the core given everything you have been through and the fact that for so long you believed you had no reason not to believe him - he was unquestioningly your life partner.
We get stuck in ways of thinking in marriages. And to get unstuck in a flash is virtually impossible. It takes a lot of work. But I believe that your thinking needs to change and it is, for sure. But not at the pace he is demanding. That's not possible. You are learning to think independently of H, to think without the usual end-goal in mind (life long faithful marriage, 2 parents, 2 children), to think for yourself, to think in terms of you and your children and not H. It's a whole new reality and the old ways of thinking are no longer relevant or even safe. but it takes a hell of a lot of work to change how we think. (Good) therapists help a lot at these moments in life. You are being given so many good thoughts and ideas her on MDC but there are so many and they're not all the same. The best thing you can do now is get a good therapist - don't be scared to try a few (they expect this) because a good match will make a world of a difference - and work with her to find your new voice and way of thinking. You and her will work as a team and develop a plan together that makes the work you have to do much more clear and tangible. You have a new reality and it can be a wonderful gift to be thrown into a new life.
First, Chickeemama, I very sorry for the situation you find yourself in, and the long term impact it will have on you and your kids.
I wouldn't recommend staying in your marriage. I've read all your posts and responded to you before on other threads. Healing from an affair is extremely difficult, and your husband has made it abundantly clear that he has no intention of doing anything to help the situation, so healing is NEVER going to happen.
If you aren't going to leave now, then when? After his second child with this woman? After he gives you and STD? Wait for him to leave you?
His plan seems to be to have a wife and kids that he lives with, and a family on the side for extra fun. This is NOT going to help you heal from the affair.
I suspect that once your marriage ends (which it most likely eventually will, even if you stay now) and your head has time to clear, you will wonder why you stayed so long.
My thought on the question that you asked in this thread -- how to tell the kids....
don't tell them yet. That's just you doing your husband's dirty work. Get YOUR LIFE in order. Call an attorney and a therapist. Make an exit plan. The most important thing right now is taking care of yourself, and that's something you will never be able to do with your husband around.
Tell your kids later, after your head clears and you have plan for your own life. It really will be easier to tell them from a place of your own strength. "Daddy made another baby with OW, so that baby is your 1/2 sister." You don't have to have anything to do with this child. Most people I know don't have anything to do with their children's 1/2 sibs from their ex's subsequent relationships. It's nothing to do with being mean or hateful, but you have enough on your plate taking care of your self and your kids.
He has taken all your strength away, but you can get it back. You can take the control over your own life back.
Peace 
that's all well and fine if the other parent isn't around but in this case the father is and he can decide to the telling at anytime
it comes down to who the OP wants her children to hear it from and their version and in the end the father can still say how he wants them to hear it
I'ma go out on a limb here: He's not "not answering questions because you haven't accepted her." He's not answering questions because he doesn't want to be held in any way accountable for where he is, who he's with, or what he's doing. If he refuses you information about his arrangements with his other child, he can tell you he's with her, and her mom that he can't see the baby, and then he can go anywhere he wants.
It is insane.
Yes! I agree with every word here. Do you even know exactly how old this child is yet?
You can get a divorce, ex-h can get his own place, and he can have visitation with all three of his children there.
So she sucks. You can't divorce her, though. But you can divorce your h!
As I heal from my unhealthy marriage, I have learned that a good man will give his wife whatever space she needs to heal from whatever mistake he made.
Yea! I'm so glad you've learned this.
this goes back to what I saying - I don't see the OP has all this "time"other seem to want to give her- he's still in the family home, he can open his mouth at any point to their children
he's "frustrated" with her- who knows what and when he will say what?
ETA - it does not mean I do not feel for the OP by saying this - it just comes off as real facts that the OP needs to face now, rather she wants to or is ready to or not, these are their children, not just her's here- seems the father's view point is not where the mother's is and he still does hold weight regardless of how he is treating the OP- doesn't make it right but that is real
this can change very quickly for her and be far worse-IMO
This would hurt me. I would feel bad that other, less central people, had met the child when the half sibling have not. if people knew about the affair before I did, I would be so angry. What a betrayal.
I completely agree. I imagine everyone on this thread completely agrees, even if they differ on how it should be handled and timelines and such.
this goes back to what I saying - I don't see the OP has all this "time"other seem to want to give her- he's still in the family home, he can open his mouth at any point to their children
he "frustrated" with her- who knows what and when he will say what?
Agreed. The DH has shown some very poor judgment and very sketchy behaviour in the past. It might make sense to have some say and control in when and how the message is relayed to the OP's kids, and not just letting things lie as she takes time. I reread all the Op's posts on this thread, and she has expressed more than once that her Dh is getting impatient around the whole thing.
What I think is in order here is a timeline, that is conveyed to DH (and no he is not "owed" one - he totally has been a UAV - but people left dangling often do take things into their own hands, so for the benefit of the OP and her kids, a timeline is in order). Personally, I would arrange for the kids to meet (or have DH arrange for the kids to meet) in the next 3-6 months. It does not have to be today, but waiting does not always make things easier. Indeed, it often means you just worry for longer. Moreover, at some point "taking time" becomes "keeping a secret" and that is not healthy. I will also stand by what I said earlier that sibling have a right to know each other.
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