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Accepting H's toddler daughter from an affair - Page 4

post #61 of 141
Thread Starter 
Im so grateful that there is a place like this where I can come to and feel safe to vent and ask for advice. You all are so awesome! If it weren't for this community I would have no where to turn for venting or advice.

My life is my babies...my home...and my job.

As of current my only sister is refusing to talk to me because she can't stand the fact that I'm still around and have not taken any action...she's pretty much disowned me at this point.
post #62 of 141

I'm sorry your sister is not capable of giving you support right now. That's hard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post

Yeah, there is a HUGE issue going on here, and it's not just the act of having an affair.

Can you re-read this... and all your posts... as if your best friend or sister wrote it? What advice would you give to her? I'm worried that you may be missing some major problems with H because it's so hard to look objectively at your own life.
 

 

For surely you can't see what's happening from even a remotely objective perspective. I agree with this suggestion. Also, please download and read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. There are some parts on infidelity and lying, etc. I believe this book will really resonate with you. Be open to it, read it over a few times - especially the parts that really relate to you/your H. I believe it will give you some clarity. Download it to your smartphone or laptop:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 

 

This book profoundly affected me and offered me a lot of necessary knowledge.

 

ETA: protect your health. I don't know the nature of your current relationship with H, but if he is coercing you to have sex (that's sexual abuse if he is pressuring, insisting, etc.!), please protect yourself. It's a statement to him, I know - that you can't trust him - and that can be scary because who knows what kind of blow-up or rant will follow and besides we always give in to their coercions in an effort to just stop the tension.  But you need to stay healthy and you have that right.

post #63 of 141

Along the lines of the previous post, OP, you should have STI testing done if you haven't already. 

 

As far as integrating another child into the family, I think that I would need to have a few months of couples counseling with dh before we did any introductions.

post #64 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by chikeemomma View Post

Has anyone done this or know of anyone who has?

Yes. When I was a child I had a friend who was an only child living with her married parents. Around 2nd or 3rd grade her "sister" started coming to her birthday parties. She was a few months younger than us and the product of an affair my friend's father had with another woman.

Of course, as I remember it, I didn't think about all that. It was fun for me and my friend to have her around. I don't know what happened in the background with my friend's family but it wasn't good. They stayed together, the parents and my friend, for years. The other sister would come for visits. At some point the visits stopped. The sisters hated each other. My friend's parents got a divorce. When we were in our late teens her father married a much younger woman and had twin boys, and moved far away. My friend felt abandoned. Her mother dated a series of not so good guys. She was much older at this point and is now single. And my friend went on to have a bunch of terrible relationships with guys often much, much older than she was. Not a big deal now that we're adults, but in my mind, not a good thing at all when we were 18.

I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do, since you didn't ask. But there's a story of someone who stayed.
post #65 of 141

A younger friend was dating a guy, long-term.  They had some issues, took a short break, then got back together and got engaged.  Then he learned he had accidentally gotten another girl pregnant during the break.  She still married him and they have 2 kids of their own, now.  All this took place in his home state, but after their 2nd child was born, they moved back to my friend's home state, some 1,000 miles away.  She says this has been good for the marriage, in general.  I imagine part of the reason is less-frequent contact with his other kid - which sucks for that kid; and for the husband, if he cares about that relationship; and potentially for my friend's kids, who won't know their sibling well (although they're young and don't know the difference at this point).  I don't think the other kid comes to visit them, although surely the husband sees his other kid when he goes back to visit family.

 

In short, that situation should be a lot easier than what you describe, since my friend and her husband weren't married and technically weren't even dating at the point he got the other woman pregnant.  And yet, it's still painful.

 

Another friend of mine discovered her husband had a daughter by another woman.  My friend and her husband had a daughter of their own, who was almost exactly the same age.  By the time my friend discovered this, the marriage was basically down the tubes anyway.  My friend has a remarkably selfless attitude about the whole thing.  She figures she and this other woman were both lied to, treated poorly, and have been left without the partner in raising their child that they expected to have.  So, why hate each other?  Isn't it better to support each other?  After all, their daughters are sisters - and the same age, so they could easily be friends if the moms didn't mess it up.  They organize regular get-togethers for their daughters, even if the dad isn't always responsible enough to be involved.

 

She is an unusual person, to be sure.  But you can't dismiss the validity of putting the blame and anger where it belongs.  Certainly, though, her arrangement with the other mom is dependent upon that mom's personality and perspective.  And it obviously wouldn't work as well, if the other mom were still dating the husband/father.

post #66 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post
It sounds like he's just going to keep doing whatever he wants. I also see some red flags that perhaps the relationship with the OW is not over. Obviously I don't know but I'd be really suspicious.

Yeah, that.  He has shown you that he is not going to change.  I think he's still with the other woman too.  3 to 4 hours most days of the week?  I'll bet you anything that he is spending that time as a happy little family of three.  They are probably still making out and having sex.  If you want that kind of marriage then great!  Stay married!  Your DH is a big, strong man with two wives swooning over him.  Isn't that great!  Polygamy is common around the world, you guys could choose to make it work.  And you get to play the role of the boring housewife while the OW gets to be the hot little miss thang! 

 

This issue is not so much about the other child.  The issue is your DH's obscene behavior. 

post #67 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

 and the other deserves one?

 

This was in reponse to the OP's comment "and give my own children the two parent family they deserve" and it really puzzles me that anyone would feel that the OP should be thinking about what the other child deserves. The other child has her own mother, who apparently didn't think it was essential to have everything in place for her child to have both mother and father in the same home when she made her baby.

 

Having read more, OP, I'm just so, so sorry that your dh is behaving ilke this! And actually, knowing how much time he's already been spending away from home without even telling you about the ow and the other baby, I don't see how you or he would have to lie to your children in order for him to keep on seeing this child without them, if you choose to give it another six months or so before figuring out how to introduce them all, as crunchy_momm suggested. It sounds like your kids are not exactly used to having Daddy just go to work and come straight home, and spend practically every spare minute with his family.

 

Again, I'm so sorry! I know that only you can make these choices, so I hope you surround yourself with good support and just trust yourself. You know yourself and your own children better than anyone else, and you are the best one to decide what's best for your family!

post #68 of 141
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

 and the other deserves one?

 

This was in reponse to the OP's comment "and give my own children the two parent family they deserve" and it really puzzles me that anyone would feel that the OP should be thinking about what the other child deserves. The other child has her own mother, who apparently didn't think it was essential to have everything in place for her child to have both mother and father in the same home when she made her baby.

 

So what do you think the OP's children will think years from now- that's it was OK for them but not the sib? Some are better than others?

 

Frankly I don't think her children deserve a two family home in "name only". And coming that this is happening now, I assume the other mother wants a two family now as well and wants her child to have all the OP's children have- this happens often.

post #69 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

So what do you think the OP's children will think years from now- that's it was OK for them but not the sib? Some are better than others?

 

Frankly I don't think her children deserve a two family home in "name only". And coming that this is happening now, I assume the other mother wants a two family now as well and wants her child to have all the OP's children have- this happens often.

 

I just don't understand why you would criticize the OP for making her own children's needs a priority. I'm sure she agrees that this whole situation is unfair for the other child, but she can't control what two other people decide to do with their reproductive organs. She can only control her own actions, and I'm totally in favor of her just focusing on her own needs and the needs of her own children right now. I'm not sure whether she'll decide that it's best for her and her children to stay in the marriage or not -- I'm just saying that it's perfectly reasonable for her to stay focused on meeting the needs of the three people for whom she has primary responsibility -- herself and her two sons.

post #70 of 141
Quote:
I just don't understand why you would criticize the OP for making her own children's needs a priority.

 

 

I didn't.

 

You are by saying only her children count and deserve more. Frankly her children are only her priority- the husband has another child- I really don't see it as fair to treat someone one way and the other as a second class just to make the OP feel good- children are children- I can't see how people are saying, such as you, only her children should be treated with a two family home and the other doesn't deserve it- that's not nice -IMO

 

Also the OP can try and control this all she wants but in the end it's not all up to her- the DH can start to make legal demands and change it- he can get a divorce and the kids all get together- a lot can happen that she will have no control over- just saying because it does happen. He can legally bring the other child into their home as well- it does happen.

post #71 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by serenbat View Post


...And coming that this is happening now, I assume the other mother wants a two family now as well and wants her child to have all the OP's children have- this happens often.

That may be true. And you are probably right that the other child deserves to have a two parent family also. But the reality is that in order to even have the POSSIBILITY of a two parent family, you have to get involved with someone who not in a commited relationship already. Could he have tricked her? I suppose so. For me, personally, it would take a lot of time to trust someone enough to have a baby with them. Do accidents happen? Surely, but she chose to have sex with a man she knew was married, or at least a man she didn't know well enough and was not being honest with her. That is not a risk free endeavor.

So while the other woman may want the dad involved, legally, he only has to be financially. He could tell her he wanted nothing to do with the baby and figure out a child support agreement and legally, that's the end. The OPs husband seems to want to be involved, so he either actually cares about the kid, he is still involved with the woman, or he doesn't want to pay child support.

I'm guessing that there are plenty of cheated on wives who insist that the contribution from the philandering spouse be monetary only. And I bet that there are plenty of spouses who agree to that. Relationships are hard, and it's not easy to be the bigger person. Kudos to the OP for even considering it.
post #72 of 141
Quote:
 The OPs husband seems to want to be involved, so he either actually cares about the kid, he is still involved with the woman, or he doesn't want to pay child support.

I suspect he wants a lot more and he will find it easy once his other kids know about the child. He seems to have been involved for awhile and its seems to be moving towards all knowing about it. Seems like he is taking responsibility (seeing the child several times a week) for the other child and showing he wants the child in his life. 

 

I just feel it's wrong in the long term to pin the kids against each other no matter how it turns out - haves and have nots. 

post #73 of 141

I am definitely not saying that one child is more important than another, or even one adult, for that matter. I believe we are ALL equals in the universal scheme of things. But I also believe that we each have our own personal realm of responsibility. I don't have the ability to ensure that all children are treated in the way that I know they deserve to be treated, but I do have the ability to do the best that I can in raising my own children.

 

I know this thread isn't about the ow -- but I do agree with Banana731's assessment. Either she knowingly got involved with a married man with a family, or she chose to sleep with someone whom she didn't know all that well. It also seems obvious that she still wants to continue some sort of a relationship with him. If the OP's husband is telling the truth about her really pushing for all the kids to get together, then I can't help thinking that she is really trying to bring things to a head with the OP and her husband by forcing the OP between the rock and hard place of either instantly opening her home to this child before she's even had a chance to begin to heal from the wounds of the infidelity, or just ending the marriage, thereby providing ow with a full time partner (maybe, unless he strays again) and also providing her with quite a bit of access to his and the OP's children.

 

I can understand why the OP is not crazy about having a person like this in her children's lives.

post #74 of 141

Again, the OP is not responsible if there end up being haves and have nots. She did not tell her husband and this ow to hook up and make a baby!

post #75 of 141

I don't think the OP technically has any responsibility towards this child, but she IS her own children's half-sibling. I think that once the OP recovers from the shock of what her husband has put her through, and decides whether to give her husband the boot or not, it would be best for her to accept the child. This little girl didn't ask to be born, and it sounds like neither of her parents have very good judgment. It would be a mercy for her for the OP to foster her relationship with her siblings; maybe then some good will come of this lousy situation. 

 

Also, leaving the "daddy did a bad thing" rhetoric out when talking to the kids would be best at this time, imo. As they get older they'll figure out that daddy cheated on mommy and that's probably why mommy and daddy divorced (if that's what ends up happening). They don't need to be burdened with that knowledge now. He may be a jerk, but he's still their father, and I don't see anything to be gained by deliberately undermining him to them. 

post #76 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by Banana731 View Post


 Could he have tricked her? I suppose so. For me, personally, it would take a lot of time to trust someone enough to have a baby with them. Do accidents happen? Surely, but she chose to have sex with a man she knew was married, or at least a man she didn't know well enough and was not being honest with her. That is not a risk free endeavor.

 

While this post is to support the OP, I really don't think it's fair to jump to such conclusions about the OW.  She may well have known this man a long time and truly believed he was not married.  She may have felt she knew him very well, have been in love with him and had an "oops!"

 

I am not going to say it is "common" for men to lead double lives, but let's face it, it's not unheard of either.  We don't know what OW knew, or didn't know, or what she knows now, how she felt, or how she became pregnant, or how long they were involved when it happened, so let's not paint her as a jezabell unfairly.  And who are we to judge when it is ok to start a sexual relationship with someone else?  This gets into the whole realm of painting women as sluts if they jump into bed with a man, and I just don't think it's fair to say that after 3 dates, 3 months, 6 months, is too soon.  Too soon for you maybe, and that's great (this coming from someone who has only ever been with her DH by the way), but don't pretend it's some standard that all women should go by.

 

And, even if she KNEW DH was married, and had an affair, this doesn't affect the child that resulted from that relationship in the sense that the child is blameless.  She didn't ask to be born into this crappy situation.  It's crappy for everyone involved.

 

I do think OPs duty is to herself and her children first, and there are no easy answers as to what will be "best".  I also do agree with all PPs who are saying, OP, that your DH is not acting like he is prepared to take responsibility for his actions and work towards earning your trust back.  Please get yourself into counseling so you can have the perspective to deal with this as best as possible.  And please know that you DO NOT deserve to be treated the way your DH is treating you.  If he can't take responsibility, be accountable, be completely open and honest with you about what he has done and is doing, and work his @ss off to earn your trust back, then he just doesn't deserve you. 

post #77 of 141
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post

Again, the OP is not responsible if there end up being haves and have nots. She did not tell her husband and this ow to hook up and make a baby!

 

There may wind up being haves and have nots in this situation, and who they are isn't entirely under the OP's control.  However, I don't think she's in a space where she can stand back and say that the outcome has nothing to do with her.

 

I fully agree that the OP's husband has been many kinds of bad, and created a situation that sucks for everyone.  The OP is now in a position where she can potentially make the situation worse for some of the children.  I'm opposed to that, and I don't think dumping badness on the OW or her child will make the OP happy in the long run, as satisfying as it might sound right now. 

 

Honestly, with the info the OP has given us, I think she'd be best advised to tell her H to move out, and file for divorce.  Keep the car.  Ask the in-laws to continue to help out because their grandchildren need it.

 

Demand a paternity test before agreeing that marital assets should be dedicated to this child's support, and before introducing this child to your children.

post #78 of 141

I agree Crunchy_mommy.
 

post #79 of 141

nstewart, I agree that it's unfair to paint anyone as a Zezebel unless they're a certain kind of murderer -- one who believes in stopping at nothing to get what she wants. Jezebel's "sin" had nothing to do with adultery. She murdered a man because her husband, the king, wanted the land of a man who refused to sell it to him.

 

I also realize that we can't really know for sure whether the OP's husband is telling the truth when he says that OW is pushing for all the kids to get together right now. Maybe if at some point the OP feels like talking with OW, she can learn firsthand whether this woman has actually been trying to force this issue. If she has been, then this seems to me like a very manipulative and underhanded way to try to increase the OP's stress and discomfort at a time when she is still trying to process all this new and very hurtful information.

 

And I seriously don't believe that OW is nearly as responsible for hurting the OP and her kids as the husband is. He is the one who broke his vows. The way I understood Banana's post was that she was contrasting someone who chose to take somewhat of a risk in making a baby with a man who already had a wife and family -- or with a man whom she didn't know well enough to realize that he already had a wife and family -- with the OP who did not choose to take the risk of starting a family with a married man. 

 

I would also add that if OW really did think she knew him super well and he managed to dupe her, it's bizarre that she still wants to have any more contact with him than absolutely necessary. If this last scenario is really the case, then I guess it won't surprise me if she's shocked that the OP is not being more accommodating to her man. Someone who'd be cool with being duped like that must think all men are gods or something.

 

Whichever scenario is really true, again, I can understand why the OP feels resistant to allowing such a person to have any contact with her children!

post #80 of 141
Quote:
 The OP is now in a position where she can potentially make the situation worse for some of the children. 

I agree. There is very little the OP can do. She can not like it but that does not change it. She can not want the the other woman around her children but I don't see how legally she is to stop any of that should he leave her- I feel with the child the OP is just going to have to except it. Again she can't legally stop him from bringing his own child into their home- it's just up to how she handles it and what effect it makes over her children.

 

Her action will effect how her children view her when they are older and see things from their own prospective. 

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