I'm not sure if I'm "one and done"

[erigeron]

Husband and I have a lovely daughter who is almost 19 months old. I had what was in hindsight a fairly easy pregnancy, birth was pretty easy, and she has been a happy, cheerful, easy child. I've always seen myself having a big family, but now I'm having second thoughts.

It wouldn't be the first time in my life that I had an image in my head of what I wanted out of life that didn't really match up to who I really ended up being. And I want to be careful with this, because I can't undo this decision. 

It's just so darn easy having one. She's easy to tote places. She's walking a lot more and we don't have to lug her everywhere; she's starting to talk and is easier to communicate with. We can go to friends' houses and bring her along and she'll charm everybody and everybody will be happy. She finally sleeps really well. Husband and I both have time for our own pursuits and don't feel like our entire life is taken up with caring for her. And though pregnancy and birth were relatively easy for me, I spent the entire first trimester feeling like crap and eating everything in sight, and not going through that again is not going to break my heart. 

I love her to bits, and I know I can be a good parent to her. I'm concerned I might not do so well with another. I really do like my personal time, and I struggle still with anger issues due to an emotionally abusive childhood. I worry about spreading myself too thin; I don't want to snap and hurt my children. I think I'd be better with just one than with multiples. 

But the idea of our daughter never having a sibling to play with is hard. The idea of not mixing our DNA again and seeing what adorably precious baby we produce is hard. 

I know we don't have to decide this right away. I used to think I wanted my kids close together, but I'm starting to think they could still be buddies with a 3- or 4- or even 5-year spacing, they'd just interact a little differently than my sister and I (with our 2-year spacing). And furthermore, my sister and I aren't even all that close now, though it was nice to always have a playmate as a kid (and my husband felt the same way about his two close-in-age brothers). But I don't want to wait too long to make the decision, as my husband will be 36 this year and the longer we wait the harder the newborn stage will be on him and the older he will be when our kids are in high school/college. I know lots of people have a great time as older parents but it does seem a lot harder. We noticed a difference in the impact of the newborn sleep-deprivation on the two of us (I'm five years younger, and not too, too worried about my fertility yet, but I don't want to wait too long for me either). 

I think part of the problem is probably that babies are not really my thing. I like older kids. Babies are cute, but I can satisfy a baby yen by cuddling a friend's baby for a little bit. It's hard to contemplate having another small child while I already have one, so maybe I am being short-sighted in thinking of having another baby while I have a toddler, rather than thinking about my future five-year-old and eight-year-old (or whatever). 

So what do you think? Any advice for me? How did you know you were, or weren't, "one and done"? 

[journeymom]

Sooo many factors.  All anyone here can do is describe their own experience and what worked for them.  As much as I'm so glad we decided to have a second child, how fun and sweet it is, it's still nothing compared to how difficult it is to have a second child.  It seems like that transition from 1 to 2 was harder than the transition from none to 1.  Sure, my capacity for love is infinite, but my time is undeniably divided. It killed me for a while that second-born ds didn't get the undivided attention that first-born dd got.  Though later I decided that wasn't necessarily a bad thing for either of them. 

I don't know how helpful that is. 

[Smokering]

Well, I have absolutely no idea what's right for you, but I can give you an argument for two from my personal experience. :)

I had an unpleasant pregnancy, a traumatic birth and a high-needs baby, coupled with PPD and a bit of PTSD. I'd always wanted a big family (I'm one of six kids), but I really dreaded the thought of doing it again, and was very tempted to just stick with one. In the end we gritted our teeth and went for baby number 2, fully expecting it to be another two years of hell; but hoping it would be worth it in the long run. I wanted to give DD a sibling. I didn't want her to be an only child. That's why we did it.

And so far, it's turned out wonderfully. I did have a horrible pregnancy - worse than the first time - but the birth was exponentially and DS was a vastly easier baby. Now at 19 months, despite the 3-year-3-month age gap, the kids are amazingly good friends. We all adore DS, and we're SO glad we went ahead and had him.

Of course, I could have had an emergency C-section and another high-needs baby and ended up jumping off a bridge. So, y'know, it's sort of a case of the ends justifying the decision.

It is harder... it takes longer to get them ready, and I have to schedule doing schoolwork and art with DD around DS' naptime, or he destroys stuff. But it was so much easier than I expected - probably because I was expecting the worst! And to some degree they entertain each other - right now they're hiding together under a blanket, whereas if DS were asleep DD would be asking me to play with her. That's a definite plus for me, as a requirer of much downtime myself. :)

I'm glad DD has a built-in companion. I'm glad she'll have someone to reminisce about her childhood with when she grows up. I'm glad she won't have to bear the entire burden of caring for me and DH in our old age, burying us, cleaning out our house and so on. I'm glad I can teach her on a daily basis about sharing, taking care of smaller people, giving gifts, different rules for small and big people, and all those things. I'm glad I can reuse some of her baby clothes! (Not that many, of course, DS being a boy. But a few of 'em.)

I can also highly recommend the larger age gap. I was initially worried that our gap would be too big, but so far it's been absolutely brilliant. DD was weaned, toilet trained and in her own bed by the time DS was born - and she wouldn't have been, if he'd been born 6 months earlier! She was old enough to be very gushy about babies, interested in the birth process, able to sleep over at Gran's house while we were at the birthing centre, able to bring me the wet wipes or a book to read while I was nursing, and so on. They were at different stages and didn't have the same needs, so there was no jealousy. I really, really like the gap. My SIL has two kids 17 months apart, and I don't know how she does it - she's great, but she often seems frazzled and annoyed because they're tandem-nursing, interested in the same toys at the same time, and so on. Their gap will probably be great when they're 8 and 9, but by the time they're 22 and 23 it won't be that much different than 22 and 26, you know? I'm closest at the moment to my sister who's nine years younger than me - at 26 and 17, the gap just isn't that big. We're both more or less grownups. :p

[One_Girl]

I had one and I am very happy I did stop at one, everytime I hear siblings fighting I am even happier I never have to deal with anything like that. I get enough of multiple children arguing at work and it is very nice to go home to my wonderful only child.

My dd is also happy I only has one because she has friends with siblings and none of them have positive things to say about it, she sees the difference between what we can do versus what they can do, and she loves having me to herself. She went through a brief period of wanting a sibling then came out of it when I explained what that would actually mean when she was in preschool. Her friends are also mostly only children so it is a very normal thing that she doesn't see as needing to change.

[Rrrrrachel]

My husband will be 40 this year and we have a 19 month old too. He's hanging in just fine .

I also struggle with this, ultimately I want to have another because I want my daughter to have a sibling, especially when my husband and I are both gone.

[A&A]

You don't have to decide today.  (My kids are 5 years apart).

[journeymom]

For sure! My kids are almost 4 and a half years apart. I'm very glad that dd was almost a preschooler when her little brother was born.

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by erigeron 
So what do you think? Any advice for me? How did you know you were, or weren't, "one and done"? 

When dd was about a year old dh and I made a pro and con list for having just dd and one for having another child. It really helped clarify our thoughts to put it on paper.

I suggest you talk with your dh very honestly about how you both feel, what your goals are for the future and how family size might impact those goals, think about other options for increasing your family when you feel you have more to give another child and then give it a year or two before you decide anything permanent.

When dd was 3 years old, my dh had a vasectomy. Dd is 12 years old and we have no regrets or doubts about our decision. Dd has never pined for a sibling.

As I've gotten older I've really re-thought what ties are important, what makes someone "family" and building a real support system. Sharing the same DNA is the least important qualification for someone to be considered family to me.

[beanma]

We have two girls who are 2 yrs and 9 mos apart. I am so glad that we have two. We have several friends with onlies and I think they're really happy with their choice, too, so I think chances are likely you'll be happy with whichever way it works out for you.

For background, dh and I both come from families of 3 kids. In his family they were all 3 yrs apart, boy, girl, boy. He's the youngest. In my family of origin, it's boy, girl, girl, but my brother is 9 yrs older than me and my sister is 6.5 yrs older. I was not very close to them growing up and am not close to them now. I would be estranged from my brother if we didn't have to share the care of my elderly mom. My sister and I get along fine, but we're not close. DH is not close to his sibs either. They both had a lot of problems as teens and he escaped that pattern. And yet even though neither one of us is close to our sibs as adults or had wonderful relationships with them as kids we always thought we'd have more than one. It just felt right to us. FWIW, I am not a baby person, either. I'm actually not that much a kid person in general. I mean I like them okay, love mine, but I would be a lousy classroom teacher. I'm way too introverted.

Dd1 was very high needs and while an easy pregnancy and a relatively uncomplicated birth I had a fairly long labor with her and didn't really enjoy being pregnant. You know those mamas that "glow" with pregnancy? Yeah, not so much me. I was older (36) when she was born. We had been together about 8 yrs before we decided to have kids. We didn't have any fertility issues and had the relatively easy time of it.

Dd1's infancy was a huge learning curve, though, and since she was so high needs it really was hard. We couldn't comfortably leave her with anyone because she wouldn't settle down for anyone else. She was an anxious child from birth. Finally as she got to be about 2 she got a little bit easier (although she still is not an "easy" child) since she was walking and potty trained early. She still was very anxious (still is, at almost 12) and needed us a lot (as most 2 yr olds do, but she was the velcro kid — couldn't go in another room or down the hall w/o us). She was the opposite of the runner kids who take off at the park. I had to peel her off me to put her in the swing or hold her hand all the way up the slide and all the way down it both. She was not quite 3 when dd2 was born and was great with her from day 1. She was never jealous. It was very hard to spread myself between the two especially since dd1 was so attached, but I didn't take anything away from her. I tandemed and I think that helped her a lot. I definitely felt spread thin a lot, but dd2 was a completely different kid. She's much more of a normal risk taker (not over the top, but not super cautious either) and learned to walk before she was one (dd1 was 17mo before she comfortably let go of our hands — velcro kid again). I think dd2 has been so great for dd1 and so great for our family as a whole and of course is just a great kid in her own right. Dd1 and dd2 play together all the time. They have many of the same friends. Dd1 is not a precocious pre-teen and still has a lot of the same interests that dd2 has. Dd2 is in 3rd grade, but often plays/acts like she's 4th grade and dd1 is in 6th grade, but often plays/acts like she's in 5th so they are mostly interested in the same kinds of things. It's certainly a relationship I never had with my sibs.

I do sometimes feel sorry for my friends that just have one, although I think they're certainly very happy. Two is harder, especially in the early years, but it's much better after the youngest is about 3 or 4 or so. They're self-entertaining and as an older parent I actually expend less energy keeping them occupied. I do think they learn a lot from having a sibling, too. It's really a different relationship than a friendship although with my kids they are certainly good friends, too. I see them with their friend who is an only, though, and I can see that she is bewildered at times by the sibling-ness. Sometimes my girls fuss and fight, but that is relatively short-lived. They've learned to work through their conflicts and compromise. 

Of course, it's all a gamble. You've got your prize now and are you content to take home that one or do you want to take a chance on what's behind door number 2? I think it's a win-win. Do whatever feels best for your family. We are really, really happy with two. My DH said he'd have a heart attack if we had 3, but boy, 2 seems just right for our family.

[GISDiva]

I can certainly relate.  DH and I were together for a long time before we married.  We never even planned on having kids.  We were those classic TINKs (two incomes no kids).  But right before we got married, I realized I wanted a kid.  DH was apprehensive, but agreed that one kid would be cool.  So an only we set out to have.

As you can see by my signature, we are expecting #2.  Getting there was hard.  When DS was about 3 years old I started second guessing our decision on an only.  Between DS's birth and then, I've had to deal with my formerly independent mother having two strokes, losing her eyesight, moving to assisted living, selling her house... even though my sister lives in another part of the country, I don't know what I would have done without her.  Then DS started asking about siblings.  Then it became obvious to me that he'd never really have more than a superficial relationship with his cousins or any of his extended family really.  And I like babies.  Sure, they're a lot of work, and it does take away from "me" time, but now that DS is almost five, I can see that the time is soooo short.  I can't look at his baby pictures without bawling, you know?

It took an entire year to convince DH.  He still isn't all that excited, but he's taking one for the team.  Probably not ideal, I know.  But I think we can make it work.  He's more worried about money than anything else, he hates having to watch what he spends.    So because we both have careers, that's four more years of day care money.  And he just turned 40, I'll be 38 when #2 is born, he's worried about that too.  But in the end, I think DS will be a fantastic big brother and I feel like our family will finally be complete.  I think I'm really going to enjoy the age difference too.  I keep telling myself that we just skipped the kid in between, that's all.    My sister and I are 12.5 years apart and it's just fine now.

[pickle18]

I could have written this entire post!  Seriously, from the rocky childhood and age difference (DH is 7 years older than me, was 34 when DS was born) to not being a baby person, and from "totability" of one verbal toddler to knowing I don't have to decide right now, but having it bug my brain as an unresolved issue anyway.

I feel ya! 

Only differences are, DS has been a high needs baby since birth, and still is - really intense emotions, nurses constantly, very sensitive, hard with transitions, impossible to leave him with anyone (still!) and on and on and on - but also really perceptive, tenacious, smart (don't get me wrong, I adore him!).    That has been a huge learning experience for me, and I'm so glad he is my only, and I'm able to (mostly) give him everything he needs.  How to juggle that with another?  Hmmm....

Also, we only ever planned on having one, really.  There is a tiny window open for us for having a second, and depending on the day, I'm more or less ok with leaving that open -nded.  Sometimes, I really want to put my stake in the sand - I feel this need to plan, and to know what my life is going to look like for the next few years, ya know?  I want to know if I should donate/sell the baby junk.  I want to know if we should just go ahead and pull the trigger on this and be out of the baby years, or if it would be better to do it again with an older, more understanding and helpful kid.  I worry about DH being older (he's 36 now) and myself being older as well, since the majority of childcare falls on me as the SAHM and mama milk maker.   How could I possibly keep up with DS with even LESS sleep???  And I need to balance my "me" time and personal life with this - reconcile it, etc.  

And sometimes (like now), I'm incredibly peaceful about letting our family develop in its own time, to be whatever it ends up looking like.   I figure, if the time is right, I'll know.

So, I don't have much wisdom, just commiseration!

[Quinalla]

First, you do have time, I used to always think I wanted close spaced kids (my siblings and I are ~18 months apart in age) and a big family (there are 4 of us), but after having my first I changed my mind on a lot of things. Of course I love DD, but she was and still is a high needs child. As a baby, she wanted to be held 24/7, she has never napped well and still doesn't, and for a long time did not sleep well at night (let me tell you the celebration I was having when she was only waking 3 times a night consistently, and 2 times only OMG!) and she was and still is very intense. There was no way I was ready to even think about having another child until she was ~2.5 years old and finally was sleeping through the night, getting more independent, etc. Then I could finally picture our family with 3-4 year old DD and an infant being possible. Yes, DH and I have gotten a lot of our free time and couple time back now that she is older and I know I will miss it again, but I also know that the needy baby stage only lasts so long, while I was in it with DD I wasn't really sure it would ever end, even though I knew it would logically. We also felt that we didn't want to be too stretched financially and otherwise, so we settled on 2 kids being perfect for us.

So, we tried to get pregnant again and succeeded only to find out that we are going to have twins! So now we are going to have 3 kids and we're happy with that now, but oh boy were we in shock! A lot of plans have changed/delayed and again it's all going to work out, but I still am a bit bummed I don't get to have the experience of just one again (and I was frankly hoping for an "easy" baby this time too, so now I am hoping for two easy babies, yeah I know I won't be that lucky).

So yeah, I guess my advice is give yourself a little more time, talk to your DH and see what he thinks, etc. I knew I didn't want just one, but I was tempted many times before DD was 2-2.5 to call it one and done anyway. And one and done may end up being right for you, but I think you should give yourself some more time before deciding and also look at your finances, etc. so you have a clear picture of what it would be like.

[erigeron]

I think it's just hard for me to change my mind. To admit "hey, I was wrong before". Admitting I'm wrong is very difficult for me. To say "I've assessed the situation differently now and come to a different conclusion" or to say "I may not be able to do absolutely everything I set my mind to"... that's hard. Or even to say "I could do it, but it probably wouldn't be best". And saying "I could do it, but I don't want to because I want more time to knit" seems like a limited analysis of the situation. 

Finances, practical stuff, DH's opinion, etc. aren't really issues. He's agreed to our original plan of three, but doesn't feel strongly about it and will go along with me if I want to stop sooner. We have a 4-bedroom house, and our finances can handle it either way. 

I think I'm just going to let it ride for the next few months. Of course, I could be pregnant right now and it could all be a moot point. 

I appreciate all the different perspectives and I'm still interested in hearing more!

[Red Pajama]

It's hard, I'm sure. You are at a point where you feel comfortable and  confident with how the family is going. It isn't difficult going places. It probably seems crazy to rock the boat.

The advice I've heard about children regarding when to be "done", is not to think about how many kids you want to have, but how many people you want to visit for major holidays. WHen you think of thanksgiving (or another holiday) 15+ years into the future, is it a big table you want to have, or an intimate gathering of three?

The complications of divided time, energy and money all play against the ideas of companionship, siblings, and adult relationships. BUt there's no guarantees no matter what you decide.

My sister and I live fairly close, and help each other from time to time with kids. I love having a sister now. But when we were younger, things were not so rosy.

My own experience was that after my twins were born, I knew immediately that I wanted another at some point. After little sister, though, I've decided that I'm content.  And she was super easy-- I just feel that our family as it should be.

[Asiago]

If you give it time, the answer will come to you. Should you choose to have another, I would go for a natural birth spacing of 3-5 years (3-5 saves lives...  maternal and fetal).  It also makes it easier to fulfill a child's needs. Good luck, whatever your decison.

Edited by Asiago - 1/26/13 at 6:29am

[journeymom]

Grouping them less than 3 years apart:  Two in diapers at the same time, which is tough. But then you get the diaper phase finished sooner.  Intense but short duration.  Two with sleep issues at once, two little ones physically dependent on parents at the same time.  But then the physical dependence and sleep deprivation phase is all over with.  Developmentally they're similar, they play together and bond more, relieving parents of being the soul source of entertainment so much.  That last one was my ob/gyn's opinion. I suppose it also means the temper tantrum phase overlaps.

Grouping them more than 3 years apart: well, you're extending parenthood that much longer.  Each time you have a child you restart the 18-year parent clock to the beginning.  On the other hand, you don't have two in diapers, you don't have two waking up several times a night.  The older one may not need help getting dressed, or getting food or a drink of water, or need help getting into and out of a car seat.  Etc. 

There's also having 2 in college at the same time.  All 3 of my sister's kids are in college. They're pretty well off, but she still says it's alarming how much money is going out the door.  The majority of their money is going to the University of California system.

[Chloe'sMama]

My sister and I are 5 years apart and BEST friends now.  It was not always easy growing up, but that is shorter lived than the relationship we have now.  

My good friend thought she was done and now is pregnant with #2 and the kids will be just over 5 years apart.  Seems like good spacing for them.

I don't think there is ever an ideal spacing (each one has challenges).  Mine are all around 2-2.5 years apart and it has been tough.... I am hoping that they grow up and love each other and are good friends, but I don't think spacing has much to do with that.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[Greenlea]

I always wanted 4. After having one (even with a normal pregnancy & birth) I didn't think I wanted another one. One was hard enough.  But then I got pregnant again unexpectedly when DS1 was only 10mths old. So my boys are 19 mths apart. It was tough at first, I won't lie. Having a baby and such a young toddler can be over whelming. I spend a lot of time going on car rides to get them to nap together. But now that they are almost 4 and 2 yrs, I love having them so close together. They play together, entertain each other, use the same toys, etc. And yes, there is fighting, but nothing extreme. I grew up with 3 siblings and I don't think ever had any complaints. I still don't.

Now I went and did it again and am on baby #3. Still thinking about #4, but its not out of the question.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by Chloe'sMama 

My sister and I are 5 years apart and BEST friends now.  It was not always easy growing up, but that is shorter lived than the relationship we have now.  

My good friend thought she was done and now is pregnant with #2 and the kids will be just over 5 years apart.  Seems like good spacing for them.

I don't think there is ever an ideal spacing (each one has challenges).  Mine are all around 2-2.5 years apart and it has been tough.... I am hoping that they grow up and love each other and are good friends, but I don't think spacing has much to do with that.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Yes, I'm 7 years and 13 years younger than my sisters.  They weren't my playmates, in fact the oldest was like a second mom to me until she abandoned me     went off to college.  But we're close now and love hanging out.  Too bad we can't more often!

[skycheattraffic]

I agree with so many posts above: don't rush into anything if you aren't sure. DH and I both wanted 2 from the start but I was hoping for about a 3 year age gap. We were going to wait until DD's second birthday to start trying but we were "spontaneous" once and BAM! Baby number two is on the way! DD will be 28 months or so when the new arrival shows up and I'll be honest, I'm a little nervous. Before the pregnancy she nursed 6 or more times a day but mercifully she cut back to just three at the moment. Yes she nurses to sleep and I'm pretty worried about leaving her overnight with my mom (whom DD adores btw) but she still has about six months to grow and develop before crunchtime. On the plus side, I'm a little younger and a bit more in tune with the baby skills still and there's very little we need to buy for this baby (apart from clothes if it's a boy).

I guess my point is, if you're unsure then give yourself time. My brother and I are 5 years apart and were always together as kids. We still have a good relationship and my DD sees her cousins about twice a month and they are super close. My DH and his sister are 17 months apart and are much less close as adults. We see them (and sadly our nephew) less for sure. If ultimately two kids is right for you, then there is time. You don't seem concerned about fertility so there is no hurry. I have to say that apart from a rich childhood, I was very happy to have a sibling when my dad passed away in his early fifties. It was very comforting not to go through the loss alone with my mom. On a happier note, I'm also super grateful that my DD has three wonderful cousins; something she would be missing if DH and I were onlies.

A not right now is not necessarily a not ever but if your gut is telling you not to mess with what you've got now, listen. Ultimately your instincts are a good indicator for what would be best for your family.