Okay, warning you in advance, this is going to be long.
So, I had the Materni21 test done because of my high risk status (44 years). Got the results yesterday and baby is healthy and a boy! I'm stunned. I really was expecting a girl. Let me explain.
About two years ago, I had an experience (for lack of a better word) in the shower where I felt two very strong feminine presences. I also had the feeling that they were babies waiting for us. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it didn't feel like babies we were supposed to adopt, but ones that were to be conceived by us. I know this may sound really out there, but it is what I experienced and I come from a family of, shall we say, sensitive people. My husband and I have different beliefs. He's a Christian, I'm not religious at all. He believed it was a message from God and I just felt like it was from the universe or something. Didn't really put too much weight on where it came from. This experience is one of the reasons hubby didn't have a vasectomy. Although, we didn't plan this pregnancy, we both felt that it was meant to be, particularly in light of my experience.
Fast forward a bit to where I would have sworn that I felt implantation pain twice, one low and to the right, one higher and to the left. Distinct pains from the rest of what I was feeling and had spotting the next day, so timing seemed right.
First u/s was inconclusive as to whether or not there were two babies. Second, clearly showed one. This was the first surprise. Although, I just figured that maybe I was supposed to have them at different times, or maybe I misunderstood and there was only one. I don't know.
Now, this pregnancy has been so different from my last few that I believed it was because of it being a girl this time. I've had two girl dreams. Also, the whole heartbeat thing, the first time it was 183, the next couple times in the 160s, I know not hard and fast evidence, but coupled with everything else, it seemed likely to be a girl.
Fast forward again to yesterday, when the lady told me boy. I was stunned and honestly thrown. Of course, I will love this child just as much as I would have a girl, but it's left me a bit confused. I don't know what to do with my experience now. How can I trust something like this when reality didn't even come close? Where does that fit into things? I know there is no way I could convince DH to try for another, probably not even if we won the lottery. But, at the same time, I still believe that somehow, we're supposed to have those girls.
I'm trying to process this. I have 5 boys already (well, four boys by birth, one born a girl is now trans), so was looking forward to having the bond that is a mother/daughter bond. Sharing my passion for breastfeeding and birth and family. Yes, I know I can (and do) share this with my boys, but it's not the same. I love all my kids to pieces and know I will love the new one as much, I think I'm grieving a bit for the person I was expecting and trying to come to terms with the person that I now know is coming.
I hope you all don't think I'm whining, I'm just looking for some support. Thanks for listening.