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Anyone else a single mom already and pregnant?

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

I am 41, I have three teenage boys, I am a few weeks along and don't know what to do. The baby's father has issues that I was unaware of at the time of conception and truly cannot be a father to this baby. It was irresponsible of us but this baby is innocent. I have never been in this situaution and never dreamed I would be, especially at 41, as I was married when all three of my boys were born. I feel confused and selfish yet protective and sympathetic to this child. I will be 100% on my own in this childs life. He/she will NOT have a father in it's biological father and I feel like it is unfair to bring this child into the world knowing it will not have a father. I don't live near my family. I struggle at times to pay the bills. I am graduating from nursing school this year. I feel very selfish thinking how my life will change and not wanting it to. I am ashamed of being so irresponsible when I talk to my oldest son all the time about being "careful" if he and his gf engage in sexual activity. I feel like I am in a very unique position and feel so alone. Anyone else a pregnant single mom? I would so love to connect with someone who is there or has been there too.

post #2 of 12

Yes NaturallyMe,

 

My first daughter was conceived through 3 forms of birth control, with a man who had been hiding a lifelong drug & alcohol addiction.  He could not parent with me and I was blind with fear, alone & homeless.

 

I got a live in job working for a disabled man & relinquished my first baby for adoption.   I'm still struggling to forgive myself for believing that she had a better chance at happiness being raised by someone else.  

 

She was born on my birthday 16 years ago, I'm now 41, happily married with 3 glorious children but deeply regret not trusting myself enough to find a way to stay in her life.

 

She is profoundly depressed, going through the motions that somewhat satisfy her adopted parents.  Her self worth is in ruins and they will not permit her to contact me with any questions she may have.  In many states,  no matter what is outlined in the adoption contract, the written agreement is not legally enforceable by the Birthmother and questions about you are discouraged & glossed over.

 

Should you find yourself considering abortion or adoption, I strongly suggest you do extensive research on the impact, the loss of the baby may have on you and the potential life of your new born.  You and your babe are undeniably irreplaceable to each other!  Denying life kills off parts of yourself.  Be prepared for varying degrees of emotional dysfunction (in cycles), and discovering lots of new coping measures.

 

Here's a summary about the Primal Wound by MDC's online adoption expert Marcy Axness, Ph.D.  You can always get a multitude of perspectives here or any other online forum.  Whatever you decide, make sure you have educated yourself all you can so at the very least, you are fully embracing your perspectives.  

 

http://www.newbornbreath.com/downloads/Handouts/PrimalWound.pdf

 

How might your sons feel about losing a sibling?  Intercourse is designed to create new life, and regardless of our desires to control it, life often finds a way.  I'd be realistic with my children about basic human needs for touch, hidden or denied aspects in relationships, the ongoing process of self awareness ect...Talk to them and you may find more support than you expect.  Sort of a "life happens, step up" kinda deal. 

 

I know how overwhelming everything looks right now, just give yourself time to adjust from the shock & generate support.  I've seriously considered abortion twice.  Things will shift quickly if you get your doubts out of the way, let your needs be known, and draw upon your own immense strength.

 

If you've ever considered a cooperative situation, perhaps now is a good time...http://www.coabode.com/

                                                                                                                                        http://www.ic.org/

                                                                                                                                        craigslist.org

 

Come live with us if you like, you're so early in your pregnancy, there's time to make a plan and consider different options. You don't have to be alone in this...See my post here

 

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1370276/safe-harbor-housing-available

 

Even more help:  http://keepyourbaby.com/resources.htm

 

For those of us that have endured any kind of abuse, believing we lack the ability to adapt and respond to new life, can exponentially compound our own issues of rejection, abandonment, and inner rage.  Know you can embrace this new situation, in spite of how it seems and watch life fold around you!  The baby helps too!

 

http://lauragraceweldon.com/2012/06/12/mother-child-are-linked-at-the-cellular-level/

 

My apologies for the longish post, I hope you find something useful in it, and forgive anything I've written that may be inappropriate to your situation or beliefs.  I often feel alone in parenting and feel strongly that we should not have to.   

 

May you find strength, courage, and wisdom in this.

post #3 of 12
For my last pregnancy My now ex-husband asked for a divorce when I was 5 weeks pregnant and we had just had a miscarriage the last cycle! It always made me upset that he could have left a month earlier and not made the next child. I was even charting so I know exactly what day I became pregnant. We planned it, I thought he was excited. So strange how people think, or should I say don't think!

Life was hard! But I found my mom and she supported me. Stress levels were off the chart.
It's been 5 years or so now and I have found myself and really healed. I have 2 wonderful children who are perfect for each other. And the icing on the cake is that now I am set to marry and have a child with a best friend from the past 10 years. I met him after I was already married and I always secretly wished life had been different, we connected on a deeper level than my first husband and he makes me feel whole. Also he loves my 2 girls! We are a beautiful family together.

Find support for the next few years and then life will level out. This new little person knows only the life you provide. And it sounds like they have 3 older siblings to look forward to having a life with as well smile.gif
post #4 of 12
Thread Starter 

Thank you soooo much ladies. I tremendously appreciate your support! I decided to keep this baby and I am very excited :) I have a wonderful support system and I know this child will be loved immensely and with help from my mother, will want for nothing in life. I still have not told my boys but I do believe they will be excited after the shock wears off. I do believe my 13 DS will be a bit jealous as he still loves being the "baby" but I think he will soon realize that he will always be my baby just as all of his siblings will be!

 

Blessings!!!!

post #5 of 12

I'm going through something similar.. my husband and I have been separated for over a year.. I was {stupidly} hoping he would get help for his mental health problems and we would be able to work it out.  I didn't try to prevent pregnancy because I really wanted to have my last baby.. and even if we do split up, I don't see myself regretting that.  Well I found out about the pregnancy just about a week ago, and he immediately reverted back to abusive behaviour.  So.. chances are, by the time this baby is born I will be 100% single.  I was single mom for 4 years or so when I met my present husband.  So at least I have practice.  :p

post #6 of 12
I'm not a single mommy now, but I was during my first pregnancy. I didn't live near any family, was going through school, and was flat broke smile.gif. Even so, God carried me through:). It's now 10 years later and things are different, but I remember it all like yesterday! It was a difficult, yet special time in my life. It showed me what us women are capable of when necessary. I believe that When a man doesn't hold up to his responsibility, God can step in and give us what we are missing.

Our stories are very different, but hopefully you can find some inspiration and encouragement nonetheless! Hang in there!
post #7 of 12

I'm a first time expectant mom and I am single. The child's father will not be involved. It's great that you have support from you mom. I try to spend my time thinking about what the baby *will* have instead of what the baby won't have. Family is what you make it, and I focus on what I can provide for baby (emotionally and physically safe and stable home, loving mother, loving grandparents, extended family, community of friends, church community) instead of what I can't (a father). 

post #8 of 12
Thread Starter 

Thank you so much ladies! I am so grateful for all of your support and encouragement! I knew when I found out I was pregnant, I came to the right place for help. I am excited about my baby and I am going to tell my boys this weekend about their new brother or sister. I do believe I can do this and do this very well. I also believe God has a plan and I fully trust in Him :)

 

God Bless all of you!

post #9 of 12
You ladies are a huge inspiration of perseverance and doing the right thing despite seemingly easier ways out. Thank you! I will be praying for you and your LO. Look forward to reading about baby's progress!
post #10 of 12
Thread Starter 

My little one became an angel baby today. The father was with me through it all. He or she stopped growing a week or so ago. I started having bleeding and thats how my day started. My day ended with a d,c and e. The physical pain is gone. Now to start healing this heart of mine.

post #11 of 12
I am so sorry for your loss! I recently lost a baby as well; the doctor let my body do things naturally. I know how hard it is; especially when we were so excited. What helped me in healing were reading poems about miscarriage and writing one myself and crying. It's important to talk about it and release your feelings. Always remind yourself that things happen for a reason; and you have three beautiful boys to be thankful for! <3
post #12 of 12

I am so sorry for your loss, mama.

 

that really is heartbreaking.

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