I'm jealous of my husband's daughter! Help!

[Winehouse27]

I am 28 years old and my husband is 41. We have been married for 3 years and have a 6 month old son. We bonded over the fact that we both had a child from a previous relationship that had little or no contact with us. But slightly before Christmas, his 20 year old daughter suddenly decided she wanted a relationship with him and I was elastic for him. In the beginning. But since then, much to my dismay, I feel much differently now.
I feel jealous! I know it's the sickest form of jealousy but the fact that she and I are closer in age than he and I plays into it I am sure, she shunned him for 20 years and as soon as she found out about me and my son, she suddenly wants to be his everything. And of course he jumped at the chance, he has since bought her a car when we DO NOT have the money, SNEAKS out of the house at 1am to hang out with her, and constantly lies to me about their "relationship." I feel completely betrayed and pissed!
I love him immensely and never in a million years thought I would feel like this. But I feel alone and like he has suddenly started giving me and our son the shaft since she has conviently come back into his life.
I want to like her. But she constantly asks him to come hang out alone and not invite me. And he obliges every time. He works 12 hours a day 6 days a week and I feel like he needs to spend most of his off time with myself and his infant son who needs a role model of a man. When I address these issues with him he says I am just habitually jealous and ridiculous. My retort is that he perpetuates this jealousy with his actions,
I have since started drinking late at night after my son is asleep and smoking cigarettes. Two things I SWORE I would never do again. But I also lonely and confused I don't know what to do.
I guess I don't know what my question is. Just curious to see if I am not alone in these disturbingly jealous feelings...

[Adaline'sMama]

How, exactly, did she "shun" him for 20 years? What did he do to attempt a relationship? I understand that you are jealous, and I'm sure it must be difficult to deal with this change, but it's not fair to blame her- at best she can only really have "shunned" hkm throughout her teens- which is fairly normal. Anything before that and she was just a kid, totally not responsible for a lack of relationship with her dad.

[Winehouse27]

He has tried since she was 4 (when her mom told him she was his) to have a relationship with her. But she was denied to him and he gave up until she was 16. Since then he has tried everything to see her and she has always refused. Until she was notified that he was now married and had a son. I think she is jealous as well and that's why she wants to be his everything now. I know how I sound. I know. I want him to have his daughter. I just don't want my son and myself to be put on the back burner. If he wanted to only focus on her, he shouldn't have married me and had another baby.

[contactmaya]

As  your partner and father to your son he has obligations towards you that he is not fulfilling. Now wonder you feel angry and hurt. He needs to find a balance where he can meet your needs and his own with regards to his daughter.(and hers)  Thats fair enough. Does it have to be all or nothing? I would communicate your concerns to him. Even if you feel jealous, who cares. Why wouldnt you be   jealous when he gives all his energy to someone else right when you need him most? Dont judge yourself for feeling jealous. 

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Winehouse27 

He has tried since she was 4 (when her mom told him she was his) to have a relationship with her. But she was denied to him and he gave up until she was 16. Since then he has tried everything to see her and she has always refused. Until she was notified that he was now married and had a son. I think she is jealous as well and that's why she wants to be his everything now. I know how I sound. I know. I want him to have his daughter. I just don't want my son and myself to be put on the back burner. If he wanted to only focus on her, he shouldn't have married me and had another baby.

Honestly? That is hardly HER shunning him for her entire life. He was not part of er life - partly due to her mother, and partly due to his (apparent) inaction for 16 years. How is that her fault? Now, the past four years? I am sure she holds a portion of blame for how things are playing out. But so is your husband.

Imagine how she might feel that he had NO interest in her as his child. But now has a happy new life. That has to hurt. I would suggest to him that he consider counseling with his adult daughter, eventually bringing you into it. None of this means he should be ignoring you or the child you share. But you also need to understand how his first child feels.

[sparklefairy]

Sneaking out at 1 am to see an adult child is really odd behavior.

I do think that the first year of parenting is a massive adjustment for everyone. If he was first married at 38, I am thinking that he had a lot of years of single-only-think-of-myself. That can be a challenging transition. I am not excusing his behavior, but exploring it.

I don't think it's unusual to have one-on-one time with an adult child, especially when the other parent is a step-parent who wasn't involved in raising the child.

Do you include her in family events? Not that it's yours to control or dictate, but what would you feel comfortable with regarding their relationship?

Her interest isn't necessarily a reaction to learning that he is married and has a son. And it isn't her responsibility to make sure that he's living up to his responsibilities -- that's his job.

Having dated a dad with a daughter, I did find that it was challenging. Lots of reasons that I won't go into. Just wanted to bring it up that I think it's not uncommon. I also think that having a man around shifted the dynamic for my son in a way that it didn't for my daughter.

I also want to mention that, while I may be reading into your words and seeing something you aren't saying, the lack of control that you seem to be feeling around drinking and that it may be your go-to coping behavior is concerning because it's a pattern that I've seen in other women who went on to develop a true problem with drinking. (Stopping while pregnant then returning postpartum in response to stressors.) If you are truly concerned, there is no shame in seeking help and you don't have to hit a low bottom to do so. And no, I'm not saying that your drinking or not drinking is the central issue. You just seem to be less than happy with it and I wanted to offer you my support.

I think that all you can really do is figure out what it is that you want, ask him for what you want, and do your best to live happily regardless of what he chooses to do. Build a support network for you and your son in addition to your nuclear family.

[Winehouse27]

Wow thanks for the support. Isn't that what this is for? If you want to chastise just say nothing at all

[mtiger]

I don't see where you were chastised, but I'm sorry you feel that you were. I suspect all of us are trying to help you see the other side of the situation.
 

[sparklefairy]

I'm sorry if my response contributed to the feeling of being chastised.

Looking back, I see that you said, "Just curious to see if I am not alone in these disturbingly jealous feelings..."

I don't think that it's disturbing to have jealous feelings toward a partner's kid(s) from a previous relationship. I don't think it's disturbing to have jealous feelings toward a child of one's own either though. Sometimes people feel that way.

I don't think that feelings dictate or justify behavior. That's a separate issue.

[grisandole]

I understand and your feelings are normal. DH is the first man I've been with who has a kid and I didn't think I'd ever feel that way, and I thought there was something wrong with me until I happened upon a copy of "Step-parenting for Dummies" (seriously!) and in it, discusses how jealousy is totally normal and addresses the underlying causes and how to help.
 

I do think that it's hard when a child has chosen not to be a part of the parent's life, and comes in and out when they want. In your case, the daughter really didn't have much control until probably her teens (I'm assuming her mom kept her from wanting a relationship with him based on what you ), so it's not like she chose to shun him, until she was a teen and could form more independent opinions. And I"m guessing that now that she is an adult she is curious and can think more critically, and is probably genuine about wanting a relationship. The problem is more with your husband, who needs to set boundaries. I'm very familiar with this, unfortunatley. I have a bit of a similar situation and it sickens me to see dh in the mode of saying "how high?" when his surly teen son says "I hate you and never want to see you, but JUMP!". I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it. Can you go to a good Marriage and Family Therapist? Together? That really helped us and since we stopped going (finances) I've been feeling bad again.