I may be a worrywart and I'm looking for support « Back to Group Discussions

[cocoanib]

I really hesitate to post this, because then I am admitting that I'm not so zen and I have worries and negative thoughts.

I am quick to replace those thoughts with positive ones and I positively affirm everyday, but the other thoughts docross my mind.

If anyone has any ideas as to how to get the negative ones from even crossing my minds path, that would be wonderful. Or if anyone else is kind of going through the same thing that would be wonderful too. It's a long post, so if you get through it, bless you :)

I don't remember being so concerned with much my 1st pregnancy. Other than a minor bleeding scare at 10 weeks, I was pretty zen about everyhting else. Not even worried about birthing at home for the first time or anything.

This time around, as soon as I got pregnant, thoughts of miscarriage rates started to cross my mind. Again, I would replace them with positive thoughts and affirmations, but they still came. I had to take myself off MDC and other boards because I felt like the word miscarriage loomed everywhere. I had to stop myself from buying a doppler several times, because instead of easing my mind, I think I would have obsessed with it. I secretly looked around for places to get an early ultrasound, but I never found one near me that didn't cost a whole lot(I wasn't on my current insurance yet) and wound up not getting it. I couldn't beleive myself. I'm so not a u/s person and thought that early ones were ridiculous, because if you're going to miscarry there isn't much you can do about it.

I guess around 4 months, the miscarriage thoughts subsided and I was on to what if somethings wrong with the baby thoughts. Again, with babygirl, I was so not a u/s person, but I could not wait until I got an anatomy scan. I wound up going to a school to get one done at 18 weeks. I truly was worried, but I didn't let on to my DH or midwife, because they think I'm so positive and worry free. I didn't want to even speak of anything remotely negative. To try and make my long post shorter, I have had 3 anatomy scans and all are fine. The first,they didn't do all the measurements. The second was to do measurements the first didn't and the third was because I started with another HCP.

In my heart of hearts, I know that baby is perfectly healthy and will be born safely and beautifully. I actually have no worry about birthing at home as a 1st time UCer, go figure! So now, I should be enjoying my pregnancy and looking forward to birth. But just like the first 4 months of pregnancy looming in my head, thoughts of what if somethings wrong with the baby loom. Ugh, it reminds me of those first few weeks with your first newborn. When you know nothing is wrong, but you continue to have worry thoughts.

Can anyone relate or have stories to share?

[LightForest]

Oh man I wish we lived near each other so that I could take you out for a coffee right about now. I've been experiencing such similar "what-if" feelings with this pregnancy, but I keep stuffing them down deep, not admitting them to my midwife, not really even admitting them to DH. Suffice to say, I know where you're coming from! I think part of the issue is that we HAVE been there (low-intervention pregnancy, homebirth) before... My experience from the first pregnancy opened my eyes to how huge of a life event this is for every member of my family (especially this new baby!). And, because of all that exhaustive research I did while pregnant the first time, and because of all the experiences that I've had since then (including just meeting lots of moms and talking with them about their experiences), I feel like I have a clearer picture of those "what ifs" this time around. And maybe more importantly, those "what if" scenarios are a little more real (they aren't limited to fine print bullet points listing possible-but-unlikely-complications in some birth/baby book.

Warning - this is my "I figured it wouldn't happen to me" miserable birth event... If you're feeling sensitive to these types of stories, then you probably don't want to read the next paragraph:

My experience, as briefly as I can make it, with DD in 2010: Awesome homebirth. Perfect baby. All signs point to wonderful. EXCEPT... Hm, her breathing is a little labored... Her chest is retracting with each breath... She's wheezing a little... But everything else was so perfect about her! The midwife was not concerned enough to rush us to the hospital, because the baby was so vibrant and healthy in every other way. The midwife gave us 4 hours to rest together, monitoring us constantly, and she finally made the recommendation that we transfer to hospital because baby's breathing issues were not resolving on their own. We go to the most wonderful children's hospital in the city, which is luckily not terribly far from home. We spend a couple of hours in the ER while the NICU readies itself for us. We are whisked away from baby immediately upon arrival to the NICU, where a doctor informs us that baby required a spinal tap right away. Her white blood cell count was high. They feared infection. We heard her screams as they performed the procedure but we weren't allowed to be in the room with her. We went to her side immediately after and she looked so... broken and defeated. I felt as if I'd somehow let her down by allowing this to happen, even though I knew, even before any tests came back, that there was nothing I could have done, regardless of birth method or setting, to protect my baby from this. Hospital staff were very careful not to give us too much hope for her recovery. They still didn't know what they were dealing with - test results still hadn't come in. We couldn't hold her. She wasn't allowed food in any form. We were encouraged to go home to sleep, and we did go home but the sleep was understandably nonexistent. The next day we were allowed to hold her hand. I was allowed to hold her briefly that afternoon. The day after that my husband was allowed to hold her, then I got to feed her for the first time. By the next day she was off CPAP and supplemental oxygen completely, and they gave her a hep lock. I was finally given the OK to breastfeed her on demand and hold her whenever I wanted. She was released from the hospital a week from her day of birth. Doctors never diagnosed her problem (they called it pneumonia due to a high white blood cell count and a bit of "gunk" that had been visible in early x-rays) - all tests came back negative. But a few days of breathing assistance and a week of antibiotics seemed to provide what she needed to become perfectly healthy.

I feel as if I missed postpartum. I was too busy with the hospital, insurance company, pumping breast milk, deciphering hospital rules and medical jargon, going home at night to "sleep" without my baby...

It's such a joke - I don't know what I'm trying to prove by acting like I'm not still carrying around baggage from DD's birth. I guess the pragmatist in me just doesn't see what would be accomplished by dredging through that past experience... Hmph, I don't know. But the feelings are there. And I'm needing to acknowledge them and give them a voice, because that would be a good way to tell them who's boss

Right?

[spughy]

I think LightForest has hit the nail on the head - bad stuff CAN happen.  Not worrying about it is infeasible for most people.  Our culture seems to place a huge value on being happy and carefree all the time, but frequently, the circumstances don't warrant that attitude - and in your heart of hearts you KNOW that so the worry-thoughts keep intruding.  And I think the more you try to stuff them down, the more they appear.  The thing is, the most likely bad things that can happen aren't all that dire, and while things may be hairy for a while, in the end, it'll probably be okay.  But it's completely natural to worry about stuff - don't feel bad for feelings that are completely justifiable.

For me, acknowledging the worries helps.  Accepting that there's not a damn thing I can actually DO about them also helps.  Yes, bad things can happen.  Yes, I am as prepared as I can be.  And sometimes, I just let the worry-thoughts flow.  Eventually they get to a point of ridiculousness and I can call myself on them at that point and say "ok, now it's going too far" and the sheer over-the-topness of whatever horror scenario I've envisioned triggers a mental chuckle and a reset.  There is VERY little chance I will be stuck in an elevator dealing with a placental abruption on my own, for instance.  For one thing, I haven't been in an elevator in weeks...

Let your worries flow.  Let them get ridiculous.  It's ok. 

[cocoanib]

Thanks for chiming in ladies! For some reason just reading your replies makes me feel lighter.

Originally Posted by LightForest 

Oh man I wish we lived near each other so that I could take you out for a coffee right about now. I've been experiencing such similar "what-if" feelings with this pregnancy, but I keep stuffing them down deep, not admitting them to my midwife, not really even admitting them to DH.

Quote:

Suffice to say, I know where you're coming from! I think part of the issue is that we HAVE been there (low-intervention pregnancy, homebirth) before... My experience from the first pregnancy opened my eyes to how huge of a life event this is for every member of my family (especially this new baby!). And, because of all that exhaustive research I did while pregnant the first time, and because of all the experiences that I've had since then (including just meeting lots of moms and talking with them about their experiences), I feel like I have a clearer picture of those "what ifs" this time around. And maybe more importantly, those "what if" scenarios are a little more real (they aren't limited to fine print bullet points listing possible-but-unlikely-complications in some birth/baby book.

 

Yes, this! I feel like I know more this time around and I also know how precious the pregnancy/birth process is now that I have my beautiful babygirl. My birth was not perfect, but it was perfect for me and my pregnany was pretty uneventful. Sometimes the silly notion also crosses my mind that, who am I to get 2 "perfect" preganancies, births and babies. Completely ridiculous of course.

Warning - this is my "I figured it wouldn't happen to me" miserable birth event... If you're feeling sensitive to these types of stories, then you probably don't want to read the next paragraph:

My experience, as briefly as I can make it, with DD in 2010: Awesome homebirth. Perfect baby. All signs point to wonderful. EXCEPT... Hm, her breathing is a little labored... Her chest is retracting with each breath... She's wheezing a little... But everything else was so perfect about her! The midwife was not concerned enough to rush us to the hospital, because the baby was so vibrant and healthy in every other way. The midwife gave us 4 hours to rest together, monitoring us constantly, and she finally made the recommendation that we transfer to hospital because baby's breathing issues were not resolving on their own. We go to the most wonderful children's hospital in the city, which is luckily not terribly far from home. We spend a couple of hours in the ER while the NICU readies itself for us. We are whisked away from baby immediately upon arrival to the NICU, where a doctor informs us that baby required a spinal tap right away. Her white blood cell count was high. They feared infection. We heard her screams as they performed the procedure but we weren't allowed to be in the room with her. We went to her side immediately after and she looked so... broken and defeated. I felt as if I'd somehow let her down by allowing this to happen, even though I knew, even before any tests came back, that there was nothing I could have done, regardless of birth method or setting, to protect my baby from this. Hospital staff were very careful not to give us too much hope for her recovery. They still didn't know what they were dealing with - test results still hadn't come in. We couldn't hold her. She wasn't allowed food in any form. We were encouraged to go home to sleep, and we did go home but the sleep was understandably nonexistent. The next day we were allowed to hold her hand. I was allowed to hold her briefly that afternoon. The day after that my husband was allowed to hold her, then I got to feed her for the first time. By the next day she was off CPAP and supplemental oxygen completely, and they gave her a hep lock. I was finally given the OK to breastfeed her on demand and hold her whenever I wanted. She was released from the hospital a week from her day of birth. Doctors never diagnosed her problem (they called it pneumonia due to a high white blood cell count and a bit of "gunk" that had been visible in early x-rays) - all tests came back negative. But a few days of breathing assistance and a week of antibiotics seemed to provide what she needed to become perfectly healthy.

I feel as if I missed postpartum. I was too busy with the hospital, insurance company, pumping breast milk, deciphering hospital rules and medical jargon, going home at night to "sleep" without my baby...

It's such a joke - I don't know what I'm trying to prove by acting like I'm not still carrying around baggage from DD's birth. I guess the pragmatist in me just doesn't see what would be accomplished by dredging through that past experience... Hmph, I don't know. But the feelings are there. And I'm needing to acknowledge them and give them a voice, because that would be a good way to tell them who's boss

Right?

I would so take you up on that coffee!

That's kind of why I finally decided to post. I've been wanting to let it out, but not to anyone in my immediate circle.

Thanks for sharing that story with me/us. I can only imagine the difficulty and I'm so glad your baby made it through!

Hopefully getting it out there helps you release it as well. 

Originally Posted by spughy 

I think LightForest has hit the nail on the head - bad stuff CAN happen.  Not worrying about it is infeasible for most people.  Our culture seems to place a huge value on being happy and carefree all the time, but frequently, the circumstances don't warrant that attitude - and in your heart of hearts you KNOW that so the worry-thoughts keep intruding.  And I think the more you try to stuff them down, the more they appear.  The thing is, the most likely bad things that can happen aren't all that dire, and while things may be hairy for a while, in the end, it'll probably be okay.  But it's completely natural to worry about stuff - don't feel bad for feelings that are completely justifiable.

For me, acknowledging the worries helps.  Accepting that there's not a damn thing I can actually DO about them also helps.  Yes, bad things can happen.  Yes, I am as prepared as I can be. 

And sometimes, I just let the worry-thoughts flow.  Eventually they get to a point of ridiculousness and I can call myself on them at that point and say "ok, now it's going too far" and the sheer over-the-topness of whatever horror scenario I've envisioned triggers a mental chuckle and a reset. 

I get like this too. I'm like "really cocoanib, get over yourself and knock it off already".

There is VERY little chance I will be stuck in an elevator dealing with a placental abruption on my own, for instance.  For one thing, I haven't been in an elevator in weeks...

Let your worries flow.  Let them get ridiculous.  It's ok. 

Let my worries flow...eek, scary!

I know you're right, but I kept thinking if I ran them over with good thoughts they would go away, but they don't.

Here I am 33 weeks and just now letting them out.

[Melany]

I AM a worry wart and it is amplified by pregnancy. I've found that if I don't address what is worrying me, it festers, the worry increases and gets worse. So, sometimes I need to talk them out to just get past them. And, a lot of time talking them out, or researching what would happen if the worry occurred, is enough to give me a sense of control or peace instead of focusing on what if that happens. 

[sunshinelove]

I agree with what others have shared and I thought I'd add my perspective as well.

To be "Zen" is not what a lot of people (especially Westerners) believe it to be. I am a very introspective, constantly analyzing my inner world type of person so Zen Buddhism felt like a natural path for me. What I learned from the few years I studied it is the importance of allowing. I went through a phase of wanting to eliminate bad thoughts and only hold onto the good ones but Zen and experience showed me that thats not only futile its also detrimental in the long run.
Imagine holding your hands out in front of you. Your right hand is holding a vibrant, bright orange tangerine that has just been picked off the tree. You bring it to your nose and the sweet, pingent aroma fills your whole being with joy and excitement. You smile as you bring your arm back down. Now, in your left hand there is an ugly, grey, moldy tangerine that is horribly squishy and has definitely seen better days. You dont even want to bring this one to your nose. Instead, you throw it as hard as you can away from yourself. You hold the good tangerine with both hands now and peel it eagerly. Youre so eager to forget about the bad tangerine that you dont notice how grimy your left hand is--its coated in mold and decay. So as you eat the good tangerine the grime gets wiped on it which means your perfect tangerine is tainted with the very thing you tried desperately to get rid of. So you end up consuming both when you know the good tangerine is the only one you wanted.

This story is meant to show how the hastiness of trying to block out the negative and only hold onto the positive leads to the negative tainting the positive-- there will always be underlying fears, worries and other negativity as long as you go about it this way. I've learned the only way to TRULY have what you want is to learn to appreciate the negative. I know it probably sounds a bit strange but the negative is just as valid as the positive--theyre like two sides of the same coin, the sun and the moon, night and day, male and female...

Lets go back to the story: instead of chucking the bad tangerine, you could use it for compost (decaying fruit is great fertilizer after all) and then take the time to wash your hands before enjoying the good tangerine. In other words, be present with the negative and make the best of it. If you are plagued with worries, take a look at what they are trying to do FOR you rather than the traditional view of AGAINST you. Using this perspective will help you appreciate the fears which will then allow you to transform it into something that feels supportive. If youre worried about the unknown, for example, take a look at how that might be trying to help you be cautious. If you send love and appeeciation towards it then this will open you up to including that fear which will then transform it into something productive--like maybe being more present with what you cant see but only feel or sense. The trick is to not force it. If it feels like force then youre not going to get anywhere. The process is always a gentle one--be gentle with yourself and if you feel like you cant then be gentle with that part of you that doesnt want to be gentle. Over time you'll gradually peel away the layers and feel a 100 times better and more supported internally.

I hope this helps some! I am also planning a UC (2nd one)

[cocoanib]

Originally Posted by Melany 

I AM a worry wart and it is amplified by pregnancy. I've found that if I don't address what is worrying me, it festers, the worry increases and gets worse. So, sometimes I need to talk them out to just get past them. And, a lot of time talking them out, or researching what would happen if the worry occurred, is enough to give me a sense of control or peace instead of focusing on what if that happens. 

I'm not generally a worrywart, but this pregnancy has really brought it out in me.

Originally Posted by sunshinelove 

I agree with what others have shared and I thought I'd add my perspective as well.

To be "Zen" is not what a lot of people (especially Westerners) believe it to be. I am a very introspective, constantly analyzing my inner world type of person so Zen Buddhism felt like a natural path for me. What I learned from the few years I studied it is the importance of allowing. I went through a phase of wanting to eliminate bad thoughts and only hold onto the good ones but Zen and experience showed me that thats not only futile its also detrimental in the long run.
Imagine holding your hands out in front of you. Your right hand is holding a vibrant, bright orange tangerine that has just been picked off the tree. You bring it to your nose and the sweet, pingent aroma fills your whole being with joy and excitement. You smile as you bring your arm back down. Now, in your left hand there is an ugly, grey, moldy tangerine that is horribly squishy and has definitely seen better days. You dont even want to bring this one to your nose. Instead, you throw it as hard as you can away from yourself. You hold the good tangerine with both hands now and peel it eagerly. Youre so eager to forget about the bad tangerine that you dont notice how grimy your left hand is--its coated in mold and decay. So as you eat the good tangerine the grime gets wiped on it which means your perfect tangerine is tainted with the very thing you tried desperately to get rid of. So you end up consuming both when you know the good tangerine is the only one you wanted.

This story is meant to show how the hastiness of trying to block out the negative and only hold onto the positive leads to the negative tainting the positive-- there will always be underlying fears, worries and other negativity as long as you go about it this way. I've learned the only way to TRULY have what you want is to learn to appreciate the negative. I know it probably sounds a bit strange but the negative is just as valid as the positive--theyre like two sides of the same coin, the sun and the moon, night and day, male and female...

Lets go back to the story: instead of chucking the bad tangerine, you could use it for compost (decaying fruit is great fertilizer after all) and then take the time to wash your hands before enjoying the good tangerine. In other words, be present with the negative and make the best of it. If you are plagued with worries, take a look at what they are trying to do FOR you rather than the traditional view of AGAINST you. Using this perspective will help you appreciate the fears which will then allow you to transform it into something that feels supportive. If youre worried about the unknown, for example, take a look at how that might be trying to help you be cautious. If you send love and appeeciation towards it then this will open you up to including that fear which will then transform it into something productive--like maybe being more present with what you cant see but only feel or sense. The trick is to not force it. If it feels like force then youre not going to get anywhere. The process is always a gentle one--be gentle with yourself and if you feel like you cant then be gentle with that part of you that doesnt want to be gentle. Over time you'll gradually peel away the layers and feel a 100 times better and more supported internally.

I hope this helps some! I am also planning a UC (2nd one)

Thank you so much for all of this. My family is not Bhuddist, but we follow many of the principles.

I'm going to be re-reading this a few times, I really appreciate your visualizations here.

You would think having a UC for the first time would have me all kinds of worried, but it actually brings me much comfort.

Have a beautiful second UC!

[cabbitdancer]

I am a worrywart, too, but this pregnancy has been fairly worry-free for me--at least, in terms of the pregnancy, itself. My biggest concern is that other people's fears will get in the way of my needs. I spent a good couple of days worrying about what I'd done to myself (and my baby) by not keeping my sugars in check as well as I should have over the holidays and it ate at me until I let it finally just break over me. I had a good cry, and then I was able to move on.

[mariee]

Do you think it would help at all to listen to pregnancy affirmations?  I'm using Hypnobabies hypnosis for the second time now, and one integral part is listening to daily affirmations.  I'll admit sometimes they are so overwhelmingly positive that I chuckle a little, but the overall message and feeling that you are left with is that you are happy, whole, healthy, calm, and assertive.  

I don't mean to overlook the authentic feelings that you are having, just wondering if affirmations could help you turn in another direction.  I think you might be able to buy affirmations as an mp3 track from the hypnobabies website.

[withlittlelungs]

Pregnancy really amplified my anxiety. I get seriously worried that DP will die on his way to work everyday. Or that something will happen to DS in his sleep. Or that someone will come in our house and steal him (I know I sound like a nut). 
As for the babies, I have started to fear that they will have birth defects or that one of them will be blind. I just try to acknowledge my fears and accept the fact that I can't control the outcomes. All I can do is take care of them as best as I can while they are in my body and the rest of it is out of my hands. 

 

[mpvelaz]

I have been feeling exactly the same way with this pregnancy. This is my third baby and with my first two I do not remember having any sorts of worries about the pregnancy or baby.  But with this one since the very beginning I have had this feeling like something is wrong. I think part of it has to do with during my other pregnancies I had very strong intuitions about the gender of the baby, had dreams about the baby and felt connected.  This time I have had no feelings about what this baby is and I have not had any dreams about it.  The best way that I can explain it is that it just feels blank. I was scared to get the anatomy scan because I really felt like something is wrong, but that showed a healthy normal baby.  A good bit of my worries have subsided after getting the US, but I still just have this underlining feeling that something doesn't seem right this time. I really hope that it is just that I have two other kids to focus on this time.  No advice for you, just your not alone.

[sunshinelove]

Originally Posted by cocoanib 



Thank you so much for all of this. My family is not Bhuddist, but we follow many of the principles.
I'm going to be re-reading this a few times, I really appreciate your visualizations here.

You would think having a UC for the first time would have me all kinds of worried, but it actually brings me much comfort.
Have a beautiful second UC!

I'm not Buddhist, either, I've just studied different religions over the years and soaked up the wisdom in each.

I know what you mean about UC being comforting. I don't feel scared of it, either, just at peace.

[cocoanib]

Originally Posted by cabbitdancer 

I am a worrywart, too, but this pregnancy has been fairly worry-free for me--at least, in terms of the pregnancy, itself. My biggest concern is that other people's fears will get in the way of my needs. I spent a good couple of days worrying about what I'd done to myself (and my baby) by not keeping my sugars in check as well as I should have over the holidays and it ate at me until I let it finally just break over me. I had a good cry, and then I was able to move on.

I started to think that other people's worries may be partly the cause of my worries. I was 32 with DD and nobody talked about threatened miscarriages or birth defects because of age, this time around, the med establishment treats me like I'm a time bomb. Even though I really don't believe that, maybe some of that negativity has seeped in.

When I started to read the thread replies yesterday, I felt a good cry coming on, but I held back because I was at work. I think it would have helped to release it all.

Originally Posted by mariee 

Do you think it would help at all to listen to pregnancy affirmations?  I'm using Hypnobabies hypnosis for the second time now, and one integral part is listening to daily affirmations.  I'll admit sometimes they are so overwhelmingly positive that I chuckle a little, but the overall message and feeling that you are left with is that you are happy, whole, healthy, calm, and assertive.  

I don't mean to overlook the authentic feelings that you are having, just wondering if affirmations could help you turn in another direction.  I think you might be able to buy affirmations as an mp3 track from the hypnobabies website.

I did hypnobabies last time around and thought it was wonderful. This time around, I have written my own affirmations and read/say them throughout the day. Especially when I feel negative feelings coming on. At this point, I'm affirming for 1/2 of my day. 

I think as others have said, I should acknowledge the neg feelings first, release and then affirm. That way I'm not trying to stuff them down with the positive, because at this point it's not working.

Originally Posted by withlittlelungs 

Pregnancy really amplified my anxiety. I get seriously worried that DP will die on his way to work everyday. Or that something will happen to DS in his sleep. Or that someone will come in our house and steal him (I know I sound like a nut). 
As for the babies, I have started to fear that they will have birth defects or that one of them will be blind. I just try to acknowledge my fears and accept the fact that I can't control the outcomes. All I can do is take care of them as best as I can while they are in my body and the rest of it is out of my hands. 

 

WLL, I have light thoughts of DH dying before the baby comes and other worries like that, but mostly it's about baby.

The bold is one of my biggest fears.

I hope were both able to let these things go and enjoy the remainder of our pregnancy.

Originally Posted by mpvelaz 

I have been feeling exactly the same way with this pregnancy. This is my third baby and with my first two I do not remember having any sorts of worries about the pregnancy or baby.  But with this one since the very beginning I have had this feeling like something is wrong. I think part of it has to do with during my other pregnancies I had very strong intuitions about the gender of the baby, had dreams about the baby and felt connected.  This time I have had no feelings about what this baby is and I have not had any dreams about it.  The best way that I can explain it is that it just feels blank. I was scared to get the anatomy scan because I really felt like something is wrong, but that showed a healthy normal baby.  A good bit of my worries have subsided after getting the US, but I still just have this underlining feeling that something doesn't seem right this time. I really hope that it is just that I have two other kids to focus on this time.  No advice for you, just your not alone.

I don't feel as connected either. I love baby obviously, but I don't have dreams of him, like DH does. Something that's helped me is to get his things ready for him and talk about him. It makes it more real.

Thanks for leting me know I am not alone (((HUGS)))

[LightForest]

It's so reassuring to hear everyone's stories. I do think that giving the negative thoughts a space (instead of ignoring them) is such a powerful idea - I need to keep reminding myself to do that. I have scary thoughts about the baby being born with some kind of defect as well -- and in a way, DD's NICU experience has helped me with those feelings because I know that, as a parent, I CAN deal with crummy situations. I can nurture my baby and get her whatever specialized treatment she needs to have the best chance at thriving.

[buko]

this time around, the med establishment treats me like I'm a time bomb. Even though I really don't believe that, maybe some of that negativity has seeped in.

DINGDINGDING!!!

How could it not?!  I mean, I'm sure that's not the only piece of the puzzle, but what were they recommending?  1-2x/weekly NSTs after 32 weeks because you're-- gasp!!!!-- 36 whole years old?  (Is that right?)  FTLOG!  I can tell you that when I feel anxious or depressed (especially depressed), I have come to recognize that it's often unexpressed anger that I basically turn in on myself in the form of anxiety/depression.  Before I even know I'm doing it.  So I don't know if you're feeling any anger at the "med establishment" (among other possible culprits), but that might be something to explore and express, too. 

  

[cabbitdancer]

I don't feel as connected either. I love baby obviously, but I don't have dreams of him, like DH does. Something that's helped me is to get his things ready for him and talk about him. It makes it more real.

Thanks for leting me know I am not alone (((HUGS)))

You mention dreams, cocoanib... I've been having dreams about this baby, but they're usually not happy dreams. I had one, about a month ago, where I was pregnant again, and having to tell this child that the baby is on the way and that I had to go to the hospital. And the most ridiculous thought ran through my dreamself's head: "Too bad you can't scrap the middle child." I had a hard time wrapping my head around that one, and I felt guilty for it. What in the world is coming out of my subconscious???

[SlimP]

Seems like you've really struck a chord here, Cocoanib. I think it's part of being a mother to worry about our kids but pregnancy does seem to amplify these feelings. I'm sure it's due to hormones (I realise you can blame everything on them) as they are designed to make us take more care of ourselves and our babes during this fragile time.
WLL, I sometimes sit bolt upright in bed in horror as my imagination runs riot with irrational tragedies that befall my loved ones too....I dunno what purpose this mechanism serves but maybe it reminds of the inner strength that will help us through an intense scenario like LightForest had.
Acknowledging the negative potential while affirming the positive is the balanced path. I have seen a couple of relentlessly upbeat friends come crashing down to Earth as neither extreme is healthy in the long run. Fingers crossed, we'll all have happy healthy long-living kids and if not, it might be a surprise to discover that a child with a defect can bring more light and happiness than we'd ever imagined.

[velveeta]

Oh! I am so amazed by all this. Sunshinelove, thank you for that wonderful technique and explanation. It makes perfect sense. I will be doing that, for sure.

LightForest, what a hard experience! You and your family are so brave and strong. I felt so strongly what you wrote as a home birth mom, myself.

When I was in transition during what would be my third home birth, my MW diagnosed previously unknown breech. I was seven centimeters, and she wasn't comfortable with this type of breech (with meconium) without knowing more via ultrasound. Blah blah blah, I ended up with cesaerean, and feeling so scared. Everything worked out, but now I have a fear of previa or accreta. Tomorrow, I will have an ultrasound to make sure placenta is in good position for a home birth.

Also, my middle boy, who is 6 had a surgery a few weeks ago for a benign tumor behind his ear. After the surgery, the doctor told us that if the tumor had grown just a bit more, there would have been some horrible complications. Even the worst complication. I know he is ok, and they got it, but I go crazy thinking about my tender little boy.

So, I am trying to stay positive, but now I will be asking my worries what they want to do for me, and why they are here to help.

One thing that is great is that with my third birth, we had not had any ultrasounds, so we didn't know the gender. A psychic had told me boy, so that is what I expected. Not that it should matter, but through the scary c-section when they said "it's a girl!" I was so happy and overwhelmed with that surprise the Universe revealed at JUST the right moment. And now, she is just the sweetest little treasure.

Thank you for starting this thread. Another unexpected gift.

[cocoanib]

Originally Posted by LightForest 

It's so reassuring to hear everyone's stories. I do think that giving the negative thoughts a space (instead of ignoring them) is such a powerful idea - I need to keep reminding myself to do that. I have scary thoughts about the baby being born with some kind of defect as well -- and in a way, DD's NICU experience has helped me with those feelings because I know that, as a parent, I CAN deal with crummy situations. I can nurture my baby and get her whatever specialized treatment she needs to have the best chance at thriving.

This is wonderful!

Originally Posted by buko 

DINGDINGDING!!!

How could it not?!  I mean, I'm sure that's not the only piece of the puzzle, but what were they recommending?  1-2x/weekly NSTs after 32 weeks because you're-- gasp!!!!-- 36 whole years old?  (Is that right?)  FTLOG!  I can tell you that when I feel anxious or depressed (especially depressed), I have come to recognize that it's often unexpressed anger that I basically turn in on myself in the form of anxiety/depression.  Before I even know I'm doing it.  So I don't know if you're feeling any anger at the "med establishment" (among other possible culprits), but that might be something to explore and express, too. 

  

I know, right! Funny thing is I didn't even think of this possibility until it was mentioned in this thread.

Yes, they wanted me to start twice weekly at 32 weeks, because I'm uber old (36yrs) and apparently my old eggs and old body can't possibly make and nurture a healthy baby

I think when I am able to express my feelings to the ob at my next appt, it may help me with this. Bcause I can tell you, I'm totally annoyed and upset by the whole thing.

Originally Posted by cabbitdancer 

You mention dreams, cocoanib... I've been having dreams about this baby, but they're usually not happy dreams. I had one, about a month ago, where I was pregnant again, and having to tell this child that the baby is on the way and that I had to go to the hospital. And the most ridiculous thought ran through my dreamself's head: "Too bad you can't scrap the middle child." I had a hard time wrapping my head around that one, and I felt guilty for it. What in the world is coming out of my subconscious???

While not pregnant, I've had dreams like this where I've thought or said something totally out of sorts. Then when I'm awake, I'm like whoa what's wrong with you.

I had to make okay with myself that I was dreaming and they were just thoughts.

Hopefully, you don't take what you thought in your dream to hard. Easier said than done, though.

((HUGS))

Originally Posted by SlimP 

Seems like you've really struck a chord here, Cocoanib. I think it's part of being a mother to worry about our kids but pregnancy does seem to amplify these feelings. I'm sure it's due to hormones (I realise you can blame everything on them) as they are designed to make us take more care of ourselves and our babes during this fragile time.
WLL, I sometimes sit bolt upright in bed in horror as my imagination runs riot with irrational tragedies that befall my loved ones too....I dunno what purpose this mechanism serves but maybe it reminds of the inner strength that will help us through an intense scenario like LightForest had.
Acknowledging the negative potential while affirming the positive is the balanced path. I have seen a couple of relentlessly upbeat friends come crashing down to Earth as neither extreme is healthy in the long run. Fingers crossed, we'll all have happy healthy long-living kids and if not, it might be a surprise to discover that a child with a defect can bring more light and happiness than we'd ever imagined.

I read in Birthing from Within that "Worry is the work of Motherhood". Yuck, I don't want to live my life worrying all the time, but I do know that some worry does come with the motherhood territory.

Chears to us all having healthy, happy children!

Originally Posted by velveeta 

Oh! I am so amazed by all this. Sunshinelove, thank you for that wonderful technique and explanation. It makes perfect sense. I will be doing that, for sure.

LightForest, what a hard experience! You and your family are so brave and strong. I felt so strongly what you wrote as a home birth mom, myself.

When I was in transition during what would be my third home birth, my MW diagnosed previously unknown breech. I was seven centimeters, and she wasn't comfortable with this type of breech (with meconium) without knowing more via ultrasound. Blah blah blah, I ended up with cesaerean, and feeling so scared. Everything worked out, but now I have a fear of previa or accreta. Tomorrow, I will have an ultrasound to make sure placenta is in good position for a home birth.

Also, my middle boy, who is 6 had a surgery a few weeks ago for a benign tumor behind his ear. After the surgery, the doctor told us that if the tumor had grown just a bit more, there would have been some horrible complications. Even the worst complication. I know he is ok, and they got it, but I go crazy thinking about my tender little boy.

So, I am trying to stay positive, but now I will be asking my worries what they want to do for me, and why they are here to help.

One thing that is great is that with my third birth, we had not had any ultrasounds, so we didn't know the gender. A psychic had told me boy, so that is what I expected. Not that it should matter, but through the scary c-section when they said "it's a girl!" I was so happy and overwhelmed with that surprise the Universe revealed at JUST the right moment. And now, she is just the sweetest little treasure.

Thank you for starting this thread. Another unexpected gift.

I'm so glad I came out of the worry closet and shared and I'm grateful for everyone's input and stories as well!

[mariee]

Aagh!  2x weekly NSTs because you are 36?  Seriously?

I am 37, have pre existing hypertension, AND had pre eclampsia last time and I'm only going 1x per week beginning at 33 weeks.  It sounds like your provider is being overly cautious.  I think its a great idea to talk to him or her, like you said.  

to be honest, I don't mind the NSTs.  It is the only time of day I get to lay down and do nothing.  I listen to my affirmations while chilling out..... but I will say I got mildly annoyed last visit when the nurses kept coming in and urging baby to move around (presumably so that I could finish up the test)  One even jiggled my belly.  Weird.

 I hope you can come to a happier medium.