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Stepdaughter troubles!

post #1 of 3
Thread Starter 
Hi I am 25 years old and my boyfriend of 3 years is 38. We have a 2 year old daughter together and a baby on the way. He has a 16 year old daughter from a previous marriage and she makes my life a living hell. The first couples months were ok then everything started to change. She would knock on our door in the middle of the night to tell us she was in her underwear. This went on for Several nights and finally after telling my boyfriend about it he told her and she stopped. If i would say anything to her I wasn't even acknowledged so I kept my mouth shut after failed attempts and let him handle her. After the underwear she then started wearing a bathing suit around the house and revealing clothes. What 16 year old wants her father to see her body? She would constantly text him or call him when we went out just to tell him her tooth hurt or that she wanted something like a new shirt or her belly button pierced. Just non sense things. When we are trying to watch a movie she comes in and stands by the tv sucking her thumb staring back and forth at the tv and then us and then just walks away. She cries to everyone that we don't pay attention to her when we do and she constantly runs to his mothers house when she gets a cut or if she don't like the rules of our house just for attention. It's like she wants her daddy all to herself.She comes home from school and spends all day in her room. She doesn't go out with friends or do anything. She refuses to be a part of our family.And he thinks that her strange behavior, jealousy, and acting of for attention is ok because she makes good grades and sits in her room all day. She posts things on the Internet about him how he is a drunk (he hasnt drank for a year and when he did it was on saturday nights) and other very inappropriate things and when she is asked to do chores she says she isn't his live in maid. Our daughter is 2 and she hasn't played with her or acknowledged her since she was born. It makes me so angry when she walks all over him and he does for her. I know it's his daughter but if my daughter acted and talked to me the way she does to him she would be told. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to talk to him about it and tell him to send her to see someone. He blames me for the way she is and says that I cause more drama by complaining about her strange behaviors. That I should ignore them like he does.
post #2 of 3

Sounds like she just has a weird personality and little understanding of boundaries. Honestly she is only 2 years away from 18. Does she live with you or is it only and every other weekend thing? I was a weird teenager hopefully she just grows out of it.
 

post #3 of 3

Sounds like a desparate cry for attention-even negative attention (not implying that you don't give her attention, but perhaps she is missing something she feels necessary). 

 

 Knocking on your door in the middle of the night to tell you she is in her underwear is worrisome.  I assume seeing a counselor is out of the question since your dp just wants to ignore the behavior? Do you have a relationship with the mother?  If that was my daughter, I would be concerned and want to know about it. 

 

Likewise, completely ignoring your 2-year-old her whole life is odd and probably speaks to some serious resentment/jealousy issues that may benefit from some counseling. 

 

Regarding other behaviors, I would agree with your dp about some of it and just ignore the minor negative behavior (like thumb sucking?!!! while you are watching a movie) and try to give more positive attention-i.e., don't mention the thumb sucking, but invite her nicely to sit down and watch the movie with you if appropriate.  Offer to take her shopping if she is sending random texts asking for new shirts and/or offer to give her an allowance for doing chores so she can earn money for the things she wants. 

 

She sounds very immature in some ways (not judging, just some kids are more mature than others) and probably very uncertain about her place in your family.  You don't say if the mom is involved, if she lives with you full time, etc., but even having her dad get involved with and have 2 kids with another woman, particularly a woman fairly close in age to herself (again, not judging, i have the same age gap with my dp :) has got to be hard for her, particularly if she went most of her life with daddy all to herself.  Do her and dp have an otherwise good relationship (i.e. has he been very involved/very close to her most of her life?)

 

Also, remember that you can't change anything yourself-your dp has to be willing to step up and do that. 

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