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Fabulous Forty Somethings TTC! - Page 8

post #141 of 595
Well I will hold out oodles and gobs of hope for you. The dr suggested testing for chromosomal issues , but I don't see much point in it. IF I get another chance whatever will be will be. My new irrational fear is that the heart won't stop an I will have a baby with a major heart defect that dies early on. Sick, I know. I guess I'm just scared and ready for this nightmare to be over. And wish I could see I to the future if Dh will ever let me try again as I so fear he will not.
post #142 of 595
Sorry for the typos, I'm on my phone.
post #143 of 595

CaritasRainbow, I am so sorry you are going through this.

post #144 of 595

Chichimama, how are you?  We haven't heard from you for a while, and I'm wondering if things are going well.  I hope so.  Still sending sticky dust your way. 

post #145 of 595
I still have no bleeding and my crampiness seems to have subsided for the time being. Yesterday morning early I had some tan mucous and felt relieved as I thought it was the beginning of the end. But no. I am ready for this to be over. I feel like I am living in a nightmare. Plus I am on bed rest in the meantime and my recently moved into house sits full of unopened boxes and unpainted walls. And I am not the best mom I can be, working from my bed. Low on groceries and the kids don't have all they need for school. This was the first week. I'm a wreck. While I still desperately want my one last baby, I fear this is it for me. I have now been pregnant for four months this year and it does not appear that I will have anything to show for it.
While I have kept up my vitamins, stayed away from non pregnancy friendly foods, and kept on bed rest just in case, I am also scared to death the heart won't stop, and I will have a very sick baby that dies either immediately, or worse, shortly after birth. I'm not that strong. This is miserable. I felt that the dr was pretty clear that all of the signs wrong point to something being very wrong, so even if the little bean pulled through, there would be major complications.
I am so confused.
I think this is it the end of the road for my pregnancy journey. I think someone is trying to tell me something and I should wake up and listen. I'm numb. Sorry for being all over the place. I'm not able to remain as put together as some of you very strong women.
post #146 of 595

Caritasrainbow,

So very sorry you are going through this.  My heart goes out to you.

If you are very clear that you want to encourage the bleeding to begin, the things I have learned to do are high doses of vitamin C, and Black Cohosh and Blue Cohosh.  I don't have the specifics right now - we are in the process of moving too.

Does anyone have more info. to help with doses?  I know you don't want to take these herbs if the pregnancy will continue (if you don't have d & c as a back up plan).

I know that when I learned that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum and had started spotting, I started with the vit. c and cohoshes and it worked pretty fast and the bleeding was heavy, heavy and all day and it was exhausting, but it worked. 

post #147 of 595
One of the things that's bothering me is that when I had pneumonia I was taking vitamin c in an effort to protect my pregnancy by getting healthy sooner than the antibiotics were doing. Not massive doses, but more than just my prenatal. I feel like an idiot.
I'm not ready to encourage the bleeding until either the heart stops, or it continues to stay uber low. Like most crazy hormonal ladies, I still harbor this teensy bit of hope that a miracle will happen. I realize this is not logical nor very realistic, but I also know that it would not be the very first time, albeit rare.
Two years ago I had a corneal transplant. The chances of bad things happening were 3% or something ridiculous like that. Well, everything but loss of eye has gone wrong since then. I've had another transplant, same eye, tarsorrhaphy twice (once temporary and once permanent, finally reversed), severe nerve damage, glaucoma, and recently a full cataract closed. The vision was worse after surgery, and now with the cataract it is basically only light I see. Anyway, my point is that I was in that 3%. In a bad way. Maybe this time I can be in the 3% in a good way.
Realistically I made up that percentage and am fully aware I am closer to 100% likely to miscarry. At any rate I will wait, horrifically, for confirmation that the heart has stopped. Then maybe i'll be asking for suggestions to help things along. Last time I did the misoprostol, this new OB was encouraging am d&c due to it being quicker.
Just now I am planning my life after mc. I need to have the cataract removed, maybe dye my hair, drink a Dr. Pepper, have some beers, unpack my house lifting heavy boxes and paint rooms standing precariously on a stepstool...
In the meantime I just sit on my bed waiting for something to happen.
When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, 14 years ago, I bled heavily from week 10 to week 20. What I don't remember is if her heart rate was ever low. I do remember being told, more than once, that she would not make it. But she was further along, so probably stronger. She is one of the only two people I told about being pregnant this time and she knows her story. She isn't obnoxious about this, but she seems to be holding out more hope than I am. She also doesn't have all the details... Okay, I'm rambling... Sorry.
post #148 of 595

Sounds like you are choosing a good approach to wait and see before doing anything to encourage the mc.  So hard to wait and not know.  Have you the option to see another doctor or midwife for a second opinion on the medical condition of you and the pregnancy?

post #149 of 595
Thread Starter 

Caritasrainbow, what a difficult time for you. It must be very hard to be on bed rest when the situation is so tentative, being unsure and waiting is just so difficult. And I know how frustrating it is to try to look after a family when you are on bed rest. Do you have anyone who could support you - perhaps unpack a few boxes for you?

 

I think you are taking the right approach- to wait and see. When will you have another scan? It is difficult to know what to do without another scan isn't it? ((hugs))

 

Well, I am at that part of the cycle where hope escapes and disappointment takes it place. I am 11 dpo and my temperature is falling and test is clearly negative.

 

I am tired,tired,tired of ttc after all these years, but for the life of me can't stop yet :eyesroll

 

I had acupuncture the other day and my practitioner says in TCM a woman is considered fertile (if she has a cycle) until she is 49. So I guess there's still a minute chance that I could eventually have a take home baby. At least I will know I gave it a damned good chance.

post #150 of 595

@mamasee- I'm not sure why I would want to see another midwife or dr?  I saw the one dr in the ER, got his opinion as well as the report from the US tech.  He did not appear to want to be the bearer of bad news, so he just said only time will tell.  The tech report was pretty straight forward, had no opinions.  I didn't realize the reality of the situation until I got home and started googling things.  Then when I saw my new OB two days later, she was a bit more realistic, as was the US tech at her office.  They were not unkind, but niether did they sugar coat anything.  So, I don't really feel another opinion is necessary.  I think it's just a matter of time.

@gumblossom- no, I have no family nor friends nearby.  We moved from home three years ago and have moved three times in all in the past three years.  So, I am far from all friends and family and haven't been anywhere long enough to establish new friendships.  It is really really lonely and I hate it.  I miss my friends very much.  None of them know what I'm going through.  With my last mc, my best friend's first words were, well, it's probably for the best, so I didn't tell her I was even pregnant this time.  
Last night again there was the brownish mucousy stuff, along with the teensiest bit of pink.  When I woke up, my panties were brown, but not completely soaked. tmi, sorry.  Strangely, so far this morning my abdomen is the least sore it's been all week.  Yesterday I ran some errands with the family, as we had NO groceries and I don't trust dh with that task.  (think potato chips, soda and swiss rolls)  I did make use of one of those little carts you drive, to minimize walking, but by the time I we were done I was in quite a bit of pain.  Walking around causes pain.  Not horrible pain, and not crampy, just really sore.  Like when you have your period.  Well, when I have mine.  I figure the brownish is clearly just old blood, which makes total sense with the SCH, what I am wondering is if the wetness it came along with could have been the sac?  And the pink the cervix dilating?  Has anyone ever checked their cervix during or before a miscarriage?  I haven't yet, because when I googled it, I couldn't find any answers as to what it would be like.  I mean, obviously it would be dilated, but some people apparantly have a slightly dilated cervix all throughout pregnancy, so not sure if it would tell me much.  I'm not concerned about infection, as I figure my hands are clean and have my own germs on them.
My next scan was supposed to be tomorrow, but with the holiday it will not be until Thursday.  So quite a few more days of waiting, unless something happens first.
I keep telling myself this is my way of knowing it's not meant to be and I am done now, but like you gumblossom, I know that I will certainly not abstain from dtd on those ripe days, I will likely find and take the royal jelly and Ubiqutol, and I will most likely continue to obsess about cervical mucous and fertile days.  Dh and I have not discussed this at all.  I don't want to bring it up with him because this way he hasn't said no.  We haven't dtd in so long, and obviously can't now, I do look forward to being able to get back on track with that!  lol!
Sadly, even though I am working on looking forward to things like that Dr Pepper and the eye surgery, I do seem to keep tricking myself into having hope left yet.  I am working on that though.  If things could just hurry up and be over, I know I'd be better off.  By the way, the Dr Pepper doesn't even sound that good anymore.  I was so excited when I discovered noncaffienated chai, I've become quite addicted.  
So anyway, here I sit for another day.  Maybe today will be the day?  I think I'd like some pain meds if that's to be the case...
post #151 of 595

Here's the line that seems the most straightforward:

"Embryonic heart-rates less than 80 BPM before 6.3 weeks gestation, and below 100 BPM between 6.3 to 7 weeks gestation have loss rates approaching 100%. An embryo with a slow heart-rate that survives the first trimester has a relatively good prognosis. However, these pregnancies may be at increased risk for congenital anomalies and aneuploidy."

http://www.jaypeejournals.com/eJournals/ShowText.aspx?ID=580&Type=FREE&TYP=TOP&IN=_eJournals/images/JPLOGO.gif&IID=56&isPDF=NO

 

It's why I am scared either way, and know that things ending now would be best.  

post #152 of 595

I have a question.  Have any of you other ladies noticed a change in your thermal shift?  When I was ttc my ds, in my late 30s (I probably got pregnant about 3 days before my 40th birthday), I had a pretty standard thermal shift -- EWCM, Cervix SHOW, sometimes a temp. dip before ovulation and the one time that I used an O kit a positive O test, and then the next day my temp would go up and I knew I had ovulated.  This time around things are different.  I am seeing thermal shifts, and blood tests confirm that I am ovulating, but, the thermal shift is happening a couple of days after all the other signs.  So now it is EWCM, cervix SHOW, a temp dip, a positive O test, and then, the next day, cervical position has changed and O test is starting to fade,  but still a fairly low temp (maybe up from the dip but not up over the last six days of temps.)  If it follows the pattern of the last few months, though, it will be up tomorrow. 

 

I've read in several places that some women take a few days to respond to the progesterone with a thermal shift, but I haven't read anything  about a woman's thermal shift pattern changing over time.  Has anyone else noticed this?  Is it yet another sign of peri menopause? Would it make it harder to conceive?  Or does it matter? 

 

Do I even want to know, when I'm right at the hopeful point of the cycle.  Maybe not.  But more info is probably better than less. 

 

Sorry if this is way TMI.

post #153 of 595
I was terrible at taking temps as I don't get up the same time every morning and I didn't want dh to ask wth I was doing, so I can't answer that question. That said, I did notice some changes which are similar as far as order. Back in the day I had ewcm for a few days, and always got pregnant on day 14. This last time I was paying more attention that ever before. I noticed low soft open cp and gobs of ewcm on a Thursday. Next day cm was high and medium to hard, no ewcm. Next day, cp high and hard, watery cm. I could only have gotten pg that third day. I was sure I'd missed the window.
post #154 of 595

Well, I started bleeding Monday night, but so far nothing particularly heavy and no bad cramping, just a bit of soreness now and then.  My follow up dr appt and US are scheduled for tomorrow.  

post #155 of 595
Thread Starter 

Caritasrainbow, I hope the ultrasound can give you some answers tomorrow.

 

I have to post and run, got a millions things going on. AF arrived last night, so that's me out for this cycle.

 

I am inching closer to my 47th birthday and really starting to think it may never happen. That won't stop me trying though.

 

Will catch up with more soon.

post #156 of 595

So sorry you are going through this, Caritasrainbow. I know how hard it is. ((( hugs )))

 

MamadeRumi, I have noticed a change in my thermal shift. When I was 40-44, it was more abrupt... I would have a dip the day of ovulation, and then the next day my temp would shoot waaay up. Now it is a bit more gradual and I don't always see a dip the day of ovulation. I'm assuming this is hormonal change happening... I know that my estrogen and progesterone levels are a bit low now according to some bloodwork I've had done. So that makes sense. I've started taking Vitex so perhaps that will help.

 

Gumblossom, I'm sorry AF arrived, but I do admire the way you continue to keep your heart and life open to whatever comes your way. :)

post #157 of 595
Ultrasound confirmed sac detached sac near my cervix, so just waiting to expell.
post #158 of 595

Caritasrainbow, I'm so, so sorry.  Hugs to you.

post #159 of 595

I'm so sorry, mama. :grouphug

post #160 of 595
Thread Starter 

I am sorry Caritasrainbow. I hope you can now start to heal and move on. :Hug

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