need some support « Back to Group Discussions

[rainbownurse]

Hi Ladies,

so, as many of you know, my husband and I have had three losses before bean. There's no reason to think that Bean won't be a perfectly healthy pregnancy and that I'll carry to term, but I'm just not feeling connected. I don't have a bump, I can't feel any movement. When I saw the ultrasound and got to hear the heartbeat, it felt real, but now I don't feel anything. I wake up every day thinking that this is the day I'm going to loose my baby again. Also, I am really not enjoying being pregnant, I'm still nauseous, I started vomiting again this week, I'm exhausted and sore all the time. I'm just worried this means I'll be a bad parent, because I just don't feel connected. 

[Eilis]

Oh, it must be so hard after losing three babies. My heart goes out to you. This is my first (hard-won!) pregnancy and I feel the same way you do: sick, tired, and sore. I have similar fears too, though I haven't experienced the loss you have.

It can help to set 10 minutes aside in the mornings to communicate with your baby. I learned about this in a book called Body, Soul, and Baby: A Doctor's Guide to the Complete Pregnancy Experience, From Preconception to Postpartum, by Paula Spencer and Tracy Gaudet. If you go to the amazon listing for the book at http://www.amazon.com/Body-Soul-Baby-Experience-Preconception/dp/038533575X, and do the "look inside this book" feature, you can find a section towards the end of the preview called "10 Tools for Tuning In" (to the baby). These ideas really helped me. I need to re-read this book and start over with the body awareness techniques, since I have sort of fallen off the wagon! 

Good luck and keep us posted on your journey! If you don't mind my asking, are you further along now in this pregnancy than you were with the three prior babies you lost? If so, does that help? 

[-Resque-]

Been there, done that... and feeling that. I don't, however, think it means we'll be bad parents at all. I just know that once we're holding our babies in our arms, we're going to feel as much love for that one baby as we would have felt for the three babies we've lost AND our living baby. And that's a LOT of love!

Like Eilis said, every morning between the time my husband gets up, and when I have to get up, I spend 10-15 minutes with my hands on my stomach, mentally talking to my baby. It felt silly at first, but now it's a really important part of my day. I will also answer the question she posed... I am MUCH farther along now than I ever made it with my previous three pregnancies... and it doesn't help me a bit. Every morning I wake up thinking, "Today is the day this pregnancy will end." I hope that goes away at some point.

[Tenk]

Aww, mama, that's so hard.  It's hard because the reality sucks!!  It's hard to be pregnant and not have the innocence that so many others know.  Today I laid in bed calling baby by name over and over and begging that baby stay with us and not leave us.  I also had a few weeks early in pregnancy where I would wake and with bleeding and say, great, today is the day I get to call DH at work and tell him we lost the baby.  Try to take deep breaths and talk to your baby and tell him/her how much you love them and can't wait to meet them <3 and I don't think this is going to make you a bad mother at all but make you love this little baby that much more <3.  And being a first time mom (or first time this pregnant) has a lot to do with why you aren't feeling much yet and hey, maybe you have a chill baby in there :) that will have a calm chill personailty when s/he comes out :) that's how I'm looking at it at least!!   Our baby moves less than my others (but more than O, thank God!) and I'm just hoping s/he's a calm chill little person when s/he comes out. 

Good good positive happy vibes coming your way RainbowNurse :)
 

[wrenmoon]

Rainbow, I could have written your post too. I think many of us are here, resenting having to be realistic about life and death. I miss my innocent self...the one who could just tell herself it will be ok and be able to believe it.

I can't offer anything other than I really understand where you are and am in the same place. I'm just starting to allow myself to think about diapers and clothes and things like that, but I don't really believe it either.
And if anyone tells you that you're suppose to enjoy being sick 24/7 you have my permission to roll your eyes at them and puke on their shoes. There's a very unrealistic idea out there that 'real' women just love being pregnant and that 'good' mothers never get frustrated or don't love every second of childbearing/rearing. Having less than magazine cover cheer about being pregnant doesn't mean you are not a fine mother and a beautiful person.
Perhaps you can adjust your expectations to be a bit easier on yourself about how you feel, your self honesty will serve you in the long run. And examine where the idea that happy while pregnant=good mother comes from. Being honest about how you feel will only give you strength, no need to become another woman/mother pretending to live up to standards that aren't realistic for her.

Also, I hate being pregnant, except for about the six weeks between feeling sick and getting heartburn and not being able to walk. It's ok to not like uncomfortable things. I'm still a good mom most of the time. And I love my children.
I finally did have a sense of my little while doing a guided meditation but just for a second. This is an exercise in surrender. Take it one day at a time. Today I am still pregnant. Today I am still pregnant.

[heyitskalista]

((((hugs))) 

You are clearly not going to be a bad parent.  I know that this baby is so loved and he/she knows it too! 

Its ok to feel disconnected.  Its hard to feel connected to something you can't feel or see.  There's nothing wrong with that.  And you've been through a lot.  Your brain is trying to protect itself, and with good reason!  So much has happened in such a short a mount of time, you still haven't had a chance to fully work through it all.  Let yourself process and give yourself time.  You'll get there and it will be awesome!

[talldarkeyes]

I think we had this same conversation this month in the rainbow babies thread! It is difficult to feel connected all the time, even when your child is born, but just asking yourself that question almost guarantees you will be a good parent because you care, you worry, and you feel afraid for this pregnancy. It wasn't until just this week, at 16 weeks, that I was able to start connecting. Mostly it was because I can feel the baby moving so often that the fear was mostly replaced with hope. I am still afraid but those little kicks give me comfort. Allowing yourself to feel, without judgement, is very healing so whenever that connection comes, whether it is during pregnancy or after, just know that it WILL come.

[dayiscoming2006]

Originally Posted by talldarkeyes 

It wasn't until just this week, at 16 weeks, that I was able to start connecting. Mostly it was because I can feel the baby moving so often that the fear was mostly replaced with hope. I am still afraid but those little kicks give me comfort. Allowing yourself to feel, without judgement, is very healing so whenever that connection comes, whether it is during pregnancy or after, just know that it WILL come.

Ditto ^ I kept on having the loss fears you are dealing with. I had an early loss the month before I got pregnant with this one, so I kept expecting it to happen again. I didn't feel any lasting connection to my baby until I heard the heartbeat the second time around 15.5 weeks and then the next day I started feeling movements. I've been feeling movements every day since. 

If you aren't opposed to it, you might get a doppler. I wouldn't use it too often, but it might give you some reassurance until you can feel movement.

[rainbownurse]

Thanks for all the words of encouragement ladies. I've been trying to focus on the baby at night before bed, and sometimes then I can feel a connection. It's nice to know I'm not alone out there. As for the doppler, I've looked into it but the one's I've found are just too expensive for me to justify. 

[here we are]

I love the support I see and feel in our group. It makes me think that expressing something that is difficult becomes stronger b/c we are all holding it up together, maybe like a bridge of hope to those life & death realites.

[coalifetime]

Hugs to all of you who are trying to make that connection but not able to *know* if baby is healthy and going to stay in your life.  I love the advice on trying to make a connection each day that seems purposeful.  With this pregnancy I find myself saying things like, 'I will love this baby for however long that I have it in my life,' as though there is a limit to how long we can be together.   I don't want to be hurt, and I feel vulnerable because 'everyone knows' that I am pregnant now. 

Do what you can to make this real and enjoy where you are at now.  "We have made it this far baby, now I just need to teach you how to lighten the nausea just a bit....."

[InLove2009]

For theleast couple if days (ever since the accident) I wake up at least once a night, drenched in sweat from the nightmare that the baby has died. Sometimes I miscarry, sometimes it's still born. Sometimes it is premature. I HATE going to sleep! I also can't feel the baby yet and I am so worried. But there is really nothing I can do. I try talking to my stomach.... But thats about all I can do. I'm glad to know I'm not alone!

[Eilis]

Car accidents are traumatic regardless of whether you're pregnant or not! Adding a baby to the mix would definitely amplify the trauma. I hope you can pursue some kind of healing therapy that feels right to you! Blessings - and sorry you are going through this.
 

[heyitskalista]

(((hugs))) inlove!  That's such an awful feeling! 

[lolliegee]

Hugs to all you mamas dealing with this! Although, I have been so lucky to never have a loss, my mother had 10 miscarriages. So, with each pregnancy, I've never been able to relax until at least the end of the first trimester. Always wondering if this is the pregnancy that I will follow in my mother's footsteps. I am usually able to completely relax once I get far enough along that they have a chance of survival outside the womb. Be good to yourselves, definitely allow yourselves to feel, it's so important! And, it's very obvious that you will be a loving parent. You wouldn't be concerned about it otherwise. Hugs again! And to you too, InLove, those nightmares sound awful!