" your not my mother" step mom help

[couldbebetter29]

I have been with my soon to be husband for 3 years now. He has been divorced from his ex wife 8 years, and has 2 daughters 9 and 10. It hasn't been the most appealing situation with the ex wife but let me explain my dilemma.

The ex wife has not worked in her life ( she is 32) she has 4 children by 3 different men having the first one at 16 and has been on state aid ever since. She is content living in low income apartments and getting by on welfare, food stamps and the child support she receives from my fiance. This is how she chooses to live and that is not my concern.

She will not let me attend school functions for the girls, I am not to have any contact with their school activities, or pick them up or drop them off from school, this is an inconvenience but I comply.

No we are teaching the girls responsibility. They have a few chores ( clean their room, pick up their dirty clothes, put away their clothes ect), and if their chores are not completed they get a $ 0.50 cent deduction. They know this but the youngest girl (9) doesn't feel she has to comply because she doesn't do it at her mothers house so she doesn't receive an allowance but the oldest girl (10) dose and receive hers. The youngest said this is not fair and informed her mother which replied with " she shouldn't be acting like your mother she isn't", so NOW I hear I don't have to you are not my mother from the youngest.

I have told her I am not your mother and so has my fiance, but even though I am not your mother you will listen and respect me regardless, now there is tension between me and the 9 year old girl

Any help would be appreciated.

[Sunshyn74]

I just want to say good luck. I can give my opinion coming in as the "ex wife". I choose to live off child support and only work a very part time job so that I can spend as much time as possible with my kids.

I am not sure how often the girls at your house, and it really doesn't matter I guess. The girls should be made to follow the rules while at your place. The ex wife has no say in how you do things while the girls are with their dad, unless there is abuse. Their dad needs to back you up on that. Be very careful about what the girls say their mom is saying. Trust me when I say that things are taken way out of context A LOT. The girls quickly learn how to push buttons and turn parents against each other. Hearing the 9 year old say that her mother said, "you aren't my mother"...could be true, but it could have been more of a "no she isn't your mother, but you need to listen to their rules and always show respect". At least, that is how it would be handled here.

I do think you should be allowed at school events, if they are open to the public anyway, how can she stop you?

As for school pickup and drop off...I sort of agree that it should be their dad. I am dealing with this a bit right now. He wants the "parenting time" but then his girlfriend ends up doing things for the kids. I am sorry, but if he doesn't have time for them, then let them be with their mother so she can be with them. Parenting time is time with a parent, in my opinion.

That being said, I do like my ex's newest girlfriend (#4 in two years). It does bother me that my 6 year old sleeps with them when she is there, and it bothers me that my girls never have alone time with their dad. Ever. However, this girlfriend is nice to my kids and that is much more important to me.

I know this isn't much help, I just wanted to give you an ex-wife view of the situation. Best of luck.

[couldbebetter29]

Thank you for the advise. The childrens time is one week at our house one week at the mothers.
My fiance works midnights and is hard for him to take the kids in the morning due to working all night, but dosent have a problem with picking them up in the afternoon which he prefers so he can talk to their teachers and see how they are doing in their classes. Even though the ex wife allows her boyfriend to pick the girls up and drop them off to school.
The girls I know were telling the truth regarding their mothers response because she also screamed it at their fatherin front of the girls when he went to pick them up.
I don't like bad mouthing people but she wants to control everything involving the girls because they are her meal ticket. But I do have to feel a sense of accomplishment since the new custody of one week on and off the 10 year old has gone from d' s and e's to a's and b's in 2 months and the 9 year old has started reading a lot better . The teachers even commented on their improvement since their father was able to get involved. ( his ex wife would not put him on their emergency card at school to allow him access until it was court ordered)
Never any signs of abuse on the fathers end, and the ex wife also days this but over at the ex wifes, her oldest daughter (17) and the exwifes boyfriend do also have a relationship. I know it sounds like jerry springer but it is all true.
Again thank you for your advise