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I'm throwing myself a pity party - help me get out of this funk!

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 

Please tell me I'm not the only one...

 

I'm feeling a bit sad and isolated. It doesn't feel like anyone in my life is excited about the baby. The same exact thing happened with DD, so I've still got some lingering resentment from then... This time is perhaps worse since the baby's not our first?

 

This is the time when pregnant women usually experience a baby shower (or two)... People get in touch to check in. People pass on hand-me-downs from their own kids. Often, friends and family even ask if there's any special thing they can do or buy to help out... But I feel like I'm living in some kind of alternate universe where everyone is loving and wonderful (seriously)... But they're NOT gushy about the idea of a new baby coming. They don't organize special baby-focused events like showers. And I'm SICK OF IT!

 

We were out on the west coast over the holidays and deep down I desperately wanted my husband's family to organize some type of baby party for us. Nada.

 

We live in this really awesome condo complex of about 17 homes, and I've secretly hoped that they'll use this new baby as an excuse to throw a little party. Nothing!

 

I have one very sweet friend who mailed me a box of hand me downs recently - but it was almost all stuff that I'd loaned her a year ago when her baby was born... So, yeah, I was appreciative, but in more of a "thanks for returning my stuff" kind of way.

 

Exactly ONE special thing has been purchased for this baby by any family member or friend - it was a really random onesie set that my mom got in a consignment shop. It was sweet of her to buy something, but it was just so random and impulsive... (Especially given that it was the ONLY thing she's going to gift this baby with, you know?)

 

What's the freaking deal, people?!?

 

The part that really stings is that one of my best friends was just telling me about an elaborate baby shower that's she's planning for another friend. And my MIL tells me about showers she attends for coworkers, and what gifts were on the registry, etc. My SIL spends lots of time thinking about special gifts to buy the new babies of her coworkers... I'm just honestly jealous and I feel like I'm not getting any special attention! Wah!

 

I want a party! I want decorations! I want everyone to ask me all kinds of ridiculous questions about how I'm feeling. I want them to ask to feel the baby kicking! And I want presents!!! I want you to ask me if there's anything this new baby needs, and I'll say "why yes, thank you. could you get us a hooded bath towel?" and then they will buy me a freaking hooded bath towel and they will wrap it in yellow wrapping paper and tie it with a bow and we will make a very big deal out of this $12 effort!!! AAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

post #2 of 16
I know how you feel. When I was pregnant with DD I was living close to extended family so my mom was going to help throw me a shower. I ended up moving out-of-state due to unforeseen circumstances so no shower greensad.gif. Now I am living where theres some family nearby but not enough to have an actual baby shower with and my friends live out-of-state. It does suck. I've been to one baby shower for an old college friend years back and it was so much fun sitting around playing silly games, eating yummy food, chatting with new people and watching her open her presents. She was expecting a girl and got lots of frilly dresses (something I am grateful for I didnt have to deal with when pregnant with DD--who actually uses a bunch of frilly dresses for their baby and yet that always seems the favorite gift to give for baby girls). I gave her a moby wrap, which she was really excited about (probably because it was something she could actually use lol). Anyway, I am a bit sad as well that there wont be a shower for this baby. I just try to remind myself how fortunate I am these days, i think about the things I am grateful for and that helps somewhat.

One thought came to my mind while reading your post: have you mentioned to anyone that you would like them to throw you a shower? Even so much as a hint? Sometimes people dont realize how much something like that means to you so a little nudge in that direction can sometimes get the ball rolling.
post #3 of 16

I've had friends excitedly ask about a shower for me, but, so far, no one has stepped up to offer one. As awkward as it is, I've decided to just throw myself one. If folks don't approve, they don't have to come. I just hope that, by the time my mom gets out here (I'm waiting for her to get here to have the party) I will still have the energy to put together an afternoon tea spread. ;)

post #4 of 16

Oh, Lightforest, I totally understand your pity party. No one has even mentioned a party for this baby (or me). I know it has only been 21 months since our last baby and we don't really need anything since we bought the few big items months ago, but I do want this baby to feel special and like he was anticipated and that people made him special blankets and booties and couldn't wait for him to arrive. So since no one else wanted to make me a party, I decided to throw one myself. I really don't care about etiquette or what people might think. I feel like celebrating and just invited everyone I know to come to my house next month for a potluck brunch. I mentioned that if people wanted to give this baby a special gift, it would be welcome but not expected. It isn't going to be a baby shower, but a baby celebration, combined with a graduation party for me and DH's birthday. A 3-in-1 shin-dig. Doing it myself is so much easier and fun! Maybe you could get out of your funk if you showered yourself with a little celebration and invited people to come. 

post #5 of 16
Thread Starter 

Thanks for your responses. innocent.gif I do think I'm going to organize something once the baby is born, and invite some neighbors and local friends. I have to remind myself to just take some action instead of sitting around waiting for someone else to reach out!

post #6 of 16

I, too, think I'll just throw one myself.  One friend mentioned a while back that she wanted to be in charge of it, but hasn't mentioned it in the last few months.  I might do something like combine it with my birthday (March 13th).  I don't know.  I don't have any family here (except my brother who's not excited by babies in general...)  I'm glad my mom's been able to come visit a few times, then I feel spoiled and taken care of and "important" to be having a baby.  In conclusion, I'll join your pity party! 

post #7 of 16
Thread Starter 

Ack scruffy and cabbitdancer, I think I would just go crazy if someone else mentioned the possibility of throwing a shower then they didn't follow through!!! Such a tease!!! No fair!!!!

post #8 of 16

Could you talk to your partner and have him mention something to the families? Or ask him to throw the party so you don't have to? He could "be in charge" and then ask friends and family to help. Or you could create a small baby registry on amazon and let it slip into conversation that you have it? Maybe if people know you have a registry they'll get the hint that there are things you need and be more likely to get something?

 

My SIL's put together a sort-of shower for my first, no one did anything for baby #2, I had my husband drop hints to friends that they should put together a shower for baby #3 and one did but it was really small and minimalist and I brought the food and paid for the postage so really all she did was send out the invites... This time I was lamenting to a close friend that we'd never had a "real" shower and even though I didn't expect anyone to throw one, it would sure be nice since this is going to be our last baby. She immediately said she would be honored to host it and has really gone above and beyond to make it special for us. If I hadn't swallowed my pride and mentioned it, I don't think anyone else would have bothered. 

post #9 of 16

Yea, LightForest! I think you should make your own party. If you feel like you need to make an excuse other than  your baby, you could make it a kid friendly Valentine's Day party. Invite everyone you would want to talk to about baby stuff and make the theme about love and family. Maybe folks will take the hint. I've felt sort of akward about my baby shower too. A friend and I are supposed to get together on Tuesday for lunch to discuss details, but she hasn't gotten back to me about the time or where we're meeting for lunch. Or even the date and time of the shower, which is pretty important because we're trying to schedule ds's birthday party for roughly the same time so the kids will be out of all the mamas' hair. She's also supposed to take some pregnancy portraits of me, but we haven't nailed down a time for that either. Ultimately, if I have to haul my butt and iphone around to get some cool pics of myself, or indulge in a little retail therapy to celebrate this babe's imminent arrival, I can do that. I'm pretty darn excited about my little girl and I don't care who knows it. I'll just go ahead and talk about her and if folks wanna join me in talking about it- awesome.

post #10 of 16

Lightforest: I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've been going through bouts of feeling isolated and can relate. I think the suggestions to talk to DP and ask that he suggest it are wonderful. Or, throw your own as suggested.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and it is hard, especially because I think we're all at a stage where we feel emotionally vulnerable. 

post #11 of 16
Pregnancy is so personal and sometimes it is hard for people to bond with a baby that they cannot see... You'd be surprised at the love and support and even gifts you may get after the birth.

I have not had a shower or any kind of special treatment this pregnancy and I do not expect any such treatment. This is my baby and I am enjoying her so much... I kind of dont want to share her, lol.

I don't know if this is the case or not, but sometimes pregnancy celebrations are hard for some people. After my miscarriages, I refused to attend showers and didn't even like to be around my pregnant friends. It was too hard. You'd be surprised with the number of women out there who have struggled with infertility and/or pregnancy loss and are dealing with grief and jealousy. Just offering another perspective.

It doesn't mean that you aren't loved and that your friends aren't happy for you. I know that I always bring a gift or a meal for new parents when I visit a baby for the first time. Something to look forward to!
post #12 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by LightForest View Post

Thanks for your responses. innocent.gif I do think I'm going to organize something once the baby is born, and invite some neighbors and local friends. I have to remind myself to just take some action instead of sitting around waiting for someone else to reach out!

I'm all for having a get together after the arrival, too. 

 

ClumsySugarPlum - that's a good idea about a Valentine's Day party / shower.  Even though I'm actually ok with having a shower AFTER baby arrives because I imagine most people will want to meet the LO, but I'm open to one before.

 

Melany - I think my DP really wants me to be excited about having one, but since I started off this pregnancy with "I don't think I want one" (I don't like being the centre of attention) he kind of let it drop.  But he wants me to have one.  And I think I want one now.  So last week we made a list of people that I'd like to invite and I think he'll either do it, or do it with a friend.  He's very social and for him, me not having a shower would be weird. 

 

Chapsie - I agree that pregnancies are very personal.  I didn't tell anyone for quite a while because I didn't want to share my secret.  I still don't like it when people comment on my shape (either they can't believe I'm "hardly" showing, or they think I'm pretty big).  And I think it's the pregnancy hormones that are making me resent that no one has offered to throw me a shower, despite not really wanting one...  If that makes ANY sense - LOL!!!

post #13 of 16

I love this post. Im having my second too. I have gotten some attention, but I know it is a reminder to focus in and vision what kind of support/love/attention I really want and need and to just ask for it, if it is appropriate. For me I'd love to have a blessing way ceremony with some close girlfriends. Something that is not focused on gifts, but on honoring my journey through birth and motherhood. Noone has offered to organize it yet, and I think I will organize it myself in a few weeks if it isn't happening. I just know it is important for me. Most of my friends are 1st/2nd time moms and don't have a lot of spare time/attention. So I try not to expect from others, but if I ask I know my close friends would be happy to show up in the way I need. 

 

Also I think it is totally appropriate to ask someone else to organize a little party for you, or even your husband if that is in his field. Mostly friends/family are just busy/occupied with their own lives it seems and it isn't that others don't want to celebrate you or support you, just they don't have the free attention to do it. 

 

Love yourself and give yourself what you need and ask for what you want. !!! You are worthy of any support/attention/love you would like, even if it is just from a 2 or 3 close girlfriends. I was in southern Baja for a few weeks just recently and I really wanted to have some sweet photos of myself with my big belly near the ocean. My dh took some photos and a few turned out. But I went for a walk by myself onetime and took self portraits and they are my favorite ones. So I guess I am a proponent of just DIY if someone else isn't doing it for you!! Much love. 

 

( I also want to get my bellied hennaed! )

post #14 of 16

Pregnancy IS really personal.  I really, truly do NOT want a shower of any sort.  Mostly because I hate seeming ungrateful but I really don't want any stuff.  I don't need anything in particular and we have no space to store things we're not using.

 

With DD I felt similarly but a friend really really wanted to throw me a shower so I acquiesced, but we compromised and made it a book shower.  That was actually really great - we got lots of lovely books for DD (but yes, some people brought clothes and stuff too, sigh).  Now, we still have all of those books, plus more, and the kid bookshelf is packed full, so I don't even want any more books!

 

OTOH, I have been feeling like I really need to do some ME things.  Fortunately my sister is coming down to Vancouver for a conference next week so I'm going to go meet her there before it starts and we will have some child-free sister time (she's leaving hers behind) for the first time in many years.  We can shop and dine and wear makeup and nice clothes and toodle around and we don't even have to TALK about kids (but we probably will).  That, to me, is worth WAY more than a shower, in terms of enhancing my sanity.  I really miss my other sister since she moved back up north in December and I'm SO looking forward to it.  It's funny - when we were little, we all fought constantly, but now most of the time I'd rather spend time with my sisters than many of my friends.  It's just such an easy relationship.  And the sister who's coming down next week has been through two pregnancies and totally understands how much I'm not enjoying it so I feel like I can bitch and moan to her with no judgement or "oh you should feel so grateful" talks.  Or one-upping horror stories.  We had pretty similar pregnancies.

post #15 of 16

CalmCenter, I TOTALLY want to get my belly hennaed. I'm trying to decide if I want to do it as part of the "shower" my mom and I are throwing at the beginning of March, or if I want to do it sooner, in case kiddo comes early. :P I know I want to have henna available at the party, because my friends and I always seem to have a ton of fun playing with it. :D

 

I considered having the party after the baby arrives, because I know that's what people are most likely to want (that is, to meet the baby) but I don't see myself being comfortable having a ton of people in my house, passing my brand new baby around, and then have her become overstimulated. I'd rather have them come visit in much smaller groups, at that point.

post #16 of 16
I've also been feeling a touch resentful at the lack of attention this pregnancy has been shown by family and friends......but we do live relatively far from a lot of our nearest and dearest, and I was in terrible form until recently!!
I'm not so interested in a typical baby shower but would like a blessing way ceremony like CalmCenter, to concentrate my energy for the last leg of pregnancy and the birth.
If I want this I'll have to organise it myself and it will be a small group but it's nice to be the focus for just a few hours regardless. I read that female company boosts oxytocin levels which help with labour so well worth the effort.
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