WTF am I going to do with 2 kids??!?!?!?!?! « Back to Group Discussions

[ClumsySugarPlum]

Those of you with three or more can go ahead and laugh, but I am dumfounded as to what to do when I have two on my hands. I have a terrible cold and am exhausted from being 33 weeks on top of it. DS who will be 4 about the time the baby arrives is giving up his nap. I can't figure out why he's giving up his nap, because when he does take a nap (as recently as just a few weeks ago during Winter Break) he would sleep for two solid hours and go to bed and wake up pretty normally. Last night we got him to bed an hour earlier than usual on account of no nap, so he woke up an hour earlier. He fell asleep in the car while running errands, but then of course had to get up when we got to the store. He did not fall asleep on the  way home, which would have been nice because I could have carried him in and maybe left him sleeping in his clothes on his bed. Today, I couldn't even get him to stay in his room for an hour for "quiet time." What a f(&*(ing joke. The kicker is that next fall he will go to full day pre-school and they have nap then, so I don't know if I should try harder for him to take a nap, or get him to learn how to do quiet time on his own. I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to get the baby down for naps when he is being so ornery. How am I even going to nurse her when I can hear that he is up to no good elsewhere in the house? This afternoon I was so angry and tired I really wanted to just slap his little face, which of course I didn't, and then I feel like such a terrible mother for even having those feelings. Luckily, we have family very close by and my MIL was happy to take him off my hands for awhile before we are supposed to come over for dinner (I have decided to stay home). The other sucky thing about asking her for help is that I feel DH is  bound to say, "Well, what are you going to do when we have two? You can't just go around pawning ds on other people all the time," as if I should be doing everything perfectly right now, as if I should be training for the marathon that is having two children and by not doing things right I am somehow failing. He is so unsympathetic sometimes. His mantra so often is, "Well, you wanted to have two, so everything is your fault and you don't deserve any sympathy or kind words." And to top it all off, I am exhausted and can't bring myself to close my eyes. I'm feeling so stressed out with so much to do I can't bring myself to get anything done or even take a nap to make myself feel better.   Please give me some helpful advice as to what do when I have two screaming children and am running on no sleep.

[Tear78]

Hugs, mama! The only thing that keeps me sane on this question is that when we hopefully have two healthy kids I will no longer be pregnant. Seriously, the pregnant part is a HUGE drain, and we've been at it long enough that I forget what it feels like to have energy. You will have it again. AND, DH needs to have a little sympathy for that because you are doing a big job right now. I'm EXHAUSTED, like ALL the time. He seriously has no sympathy for this? Can you make him carry around a 30 pound backpack strapped to his lower abdomen and see how he feels? Plus...that doesn't even do it because you're producing more blood, oxygen, food, etc at the moment. I hope you can help him see reason here. It was his decision too, btw. Nobody strapped him to the bed and MADE him make a baby......right?

[scruffy too]

I have no advice (I'm freaking out about what to do with one!) but I wanted to stop in and give you a BIG HUG!!!  I'm sure everything will fall into its own rhythm for your family.

[spughy]

ClumsySugarPlum NOBODY was ever meant to cope with their children all by themselves, all the time.  In most other cultures it's Just Not Done.  That's what grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. are FOR.  If your MIL likes your older one and enjoys having him, by all means set up some regular "Grandma time" for him.  It's good for her, good for him, and good for you.   If she only does it because she feels obligated, then find a friend with kid(s) the same age and arrange some reciprocal child care.  I did both things (reciprocal child care AND handing the kid over to the ILs - at their request!) and they are SUCH a sanity-saver.  If your DH really expects YOU to deal with kids 24/7 he's just being unrealistic (and kinda mean, TBH).  You don't expect him to be at work 24/7.  Hell, he probably even takes a (gasp!) lunch break!!!!  Maybe coffee, too. 

And yes, pregnancy is draining.  I've stopped pretending it's fun.  It sucks.  Just admit that to yourself, try to explain to your DH what growing a little parasite is like, and ask him how he'd be enjoying HIS job if he had to haul an extra 20 lbs around on his abdomen, get up to pee every 2 hours, wince every time he had to pick something off the ground, etc. etc.  Oh, and not get lunch breaks etc.

On your DS's naps... I think it probably makes sense to drop the nap, and teach him how to have quiet time on his own.  Few 4-year-olds will nap regularly, and it will become less likely that he will go to bed at a reasonable hour if he has one.  It will be easier on you if you work on quiet time rather than nap time, and your DS will benefit from a daily routine that won't be vastly different when he starts full-day preschool.  My DD stopped napping when she turned 3 - at first I freaked out because that was my free time! - but we quickly adjusted and her going to bed earlier in the evening made the day much more workable for me.  Especially with a baby coming, you need to have a workable routine for your DS in place.  He doesn't have to be getting up to badness elsewhere in the house - you can have quiet time *always* happen in his room, or, if you're not strongly philosophically opposed - TV.  Personally I think TV is totally justified when you need to keep a wee one quiet while you put an even-more-wee one down for a nap.  (I think it's also justified for occasional general mommy-sanity use, and doing things like cutting hair and nails.)

[ClumsySugarPlum]

Thanks, guys for replying. The release I wrote after writing my post must have been what my brain needed to let me sleep. Got a couple hours in there and feel like I was able to hit the reset button. DH was at a movie with his dad this afternoon which is why I was alone with DS, and to be fair I need to add that DH was on kid duty all morning so I could stay in bed to try to beat this cold before heading back to work tomorrow. DH was actually really supportive about my decision this afternoon to send ds to his grandma's, so I think my earlier assumption about his reaction must indicate more about my own anxiety over having two and feeling ready, not his. While he has said those things in the past, I guess it really has been awhile since I've heard him say those exact words. Our parents take turns watching our son in the afternoons after lunch, so we already rely on them a lot. We really try not to burden them too much with extra babysitting. I told DH that I felt really conflicted about taking ds to grandma's and that I've been really trying to think of ways to manage both kids. I also told him that if any ideas came to him about it (juggling quiet time, etc.) to let me know. He seemed to appreciate that and not be worried or anything  about my abilities or decision making, so I'm feeling better.

Thanks for the virtual hugs and if anyone has any tricks for juggling preschooler and infant, I'd still love to hear them. 

[cabbitdancer]

My daughter is going to be five and in Kindergarten by the time this one comes, for a reason, and I'm still freaking out about how much the dynamic in our household will change with a second baby. *hugs* You're not alone!

[SamiPolizzi]

Oh man. Everything you just said is EXACTLY how I feel. I've been hesitant to say anything since there are plenty or moms here with 3 or 4 or 5 kids and they seem to do just fine. But honestly, I have NO EFFING CLUE how I'm going to handle two. My DS will also be 4 around the time the baby is due and he is in a particularly difficult phase right now. Everything has to be just so, and if it's not I'm in for a huge fit. God forbid I'm tired or in a hurry and do something crazy like unbuckle the chest clip on his car seat (which is his job and I am not ever to do.) I'm starting to majorly freak out because I can't seem to keep the house clean and all our affairs in order with just one kid (and not much help from DP either.) And now that I'm thinking back to what it was like when DS was a baby all I can remember is sitting on my butt with him attached to my boob 24/7. That was not a problem at all without another kid to take care of, but I really don't know how I'm going to get anything done when this baby comes along. I'm pretty sure the house is going to fall apart and we're all going to starve. 

[Chapsie]

I'm a mom of two (soon to be 3) and I babysit my niece and nephews often, so there can be 4 kids or so here regularly.

How does it happen? It just does! Haha. You just do what you have to do... Just plug away. Little bits at a time... You prioritize. You figure it all out. The kids entertain each other. It's actually easier the more kids there are. . And it's FUN!


Release the worry and embrace he excitement. 2 kids are so much fun. My kids are best friends. I love watching them play together. It's such a special bond they have with each other. You will love it.


P.S. my son is 4 and also giving up naps. he has a digital clock in his room and I explain that mommy is tired because of the baby in my tummy and I need to rest. He needs to stay in his room and read books, color, or play quietly until the "first number on the clock is 3" (for 3:00) or whatever time I pick. You could also set an alarm. When his time is up, he can come in and wake me.

[ClumsySugarPlum]

Originally Posted by SamiPolizzi 

Everything has to be just so, and if it's not I'm in for a huge fit. God forbid I'm tired or in a hurry and do something crazy like unbuckle the chest clip on his car seat (which is his job and I am not ever to do.) I'm starting to majorly freak out because I can't seem to keep the house clean and all our affairs in order with just one kid (and not much help from DP either.) And now that I'm thinking back to what it was like when DS was a baby all I can remember is sitting on my butt with him attached to my boob 24/7. That was not a problem at all without another kid to take care of, but I really don't know how I'm going to get anything done when this baby comes along. I'm pretty sure the house is going to fall apart and we're all going to starve. 

Yes! If I don't read his mind exactly ds tries to tell me off! Sometimes it's funny, and sometime's it's like, "Whoa, pardner. Take your cranky pants back into the barn and try using your words politely or you will not have....." 

Chapsie, I love your idea about a clock. Maybe it will help DS with number sense too. 

[Carlyle]

Originally Posted by ClumsySugarPlum 

 "Whoa, pardner. Take your cranky pants back into the barn and try using your words politely or you will not have....." 

Hah!  I love that.  I don't have advice except to say that 2 kids is easier than being pregnant (for me).  Being pregnant is an uncomfortable, exhausting, hormonal mess.  My husband attests that I transform back into a normal person immediately after birth.  9 months is a LooOOOooNg time to be so out of whack.  Which is one reason (among many) that we are done at two kids!

[Melany]

When my daughter gave up naps, it was hard on every body. The clock in their room has been a godsend. We got a cheap analog clock and showed her where the big hand and the little hand have to be for her to come out of her quiet time (or nap time). I caught her sitting up, staring at the clock, but she didn't budge until that clock was dead on to where it was supposed to be. Another big plus, she is learning to read an analog clock and understand how it works. :) 

[scruffy too]

I agree with quiet time in your room with a clock.  I remember my parents doing that with my brother and I when we stopped napping.  It's actually how I accidently saw my dad butchering one of my rabbits - I was looking out my bedroom window during "nap time" and the window overlooked the woodshed when RainyDay was being skinned.  Not my fondest memory.  Sorry, got a little off track there... 

[Chapsie]

Originally Posted by scruffy too 

I agree with quiet time in your room with a clock.  I remember my parents doing that with my brother and I when we stopped napping.  It's actually how I accidently saw my dad butchering one of my rabbits - I was looking out my bedroom window during "nap time" and the window overlooked the woodshed when RainyDay was being skinned.  Not my fondest memory.  Sorry, got a little off track there... 

Scruffy!  How horrifying!  Oh my goodness...  

[beautifulnm]

I frequently wonder about this question but I figure it's like everything else in life, you just get through it when you get to it. I used to be in awe of the Navy wives who did childcare out of their houses while their husbands were on deployment or whatever, and then I realized like pp said having a bunch of busy little people might be easier than a single busy little person who needs you to be busy with them!  

[farmer]

Just wanted to say that I could relate back when I was dealing with my first batch of kids.  My oldest was almost three when her sister came, and it was by far the hardest transition.  When #3 came along, the first two had each other.  When #4 came along, it was just adding one more.  Now with #5, I'm going to have a ton of teenagers vying for baby-holding time.  I'm excited about this time around, having all these big kids to help!

But as far as help with transitioning from one to two....lots of library books that you can read to the older while nursing the younger. Also, if you are needing a nap with the baby, try having a goody bag of stuff that ONLY comes out when its rest time...yummy snacks, coloring books, play-doh, whatever is "special" in your house.  We were/are a homeschooling family, and I used the "strewing" method of unschooling, rather than structured learning, so we always had a bean/sand/water table available, lots of different things around.  For example I'd have a washtub filled with scrap paper and a pair of kid scissors, so they could just cut stuff randomly.  Silly things like that.  We weren't into media at all, so the kids at that age anyway didn't have access to tv, movies or a computer.  It was sometimes a challenge, but once the baby grew up a little, they turned out to be best friends, and still are (at 20 and 17!)

Good luck! :)

[MPsSweetie]

I totally understand. My first was four when my second came along. I truly don't know how I did it. Or number three, lol. Number four has me most scared though, because my littlest just turned two. I'm terrified. He is still such a baby to me.

[jodieanneanton]

Oh, Clumsy!  I am sorry for your anxiety over this.  I remember being pregnant with DD2 thinking the exact same things!  DD1 was 2 1/2 and had given up napping halfway through my pregnancy. (DD2 gave up nap around that time, too and I am always amazed when ppl talk about their nap taking 4 and 5 year olds!!!) So, I totally was taken back to that time with the reading of your post.  I am pretty much with Chapsie on this one.  Once the first 4-6 weeks passed after DD2 was born and DD1 had had a minute to adjust to the change, I could honestly say that having 2 was easier than having one.  (Ideas that worked for me:  I took advantage of the baby carrier as much as I could, I stashed away little surprises (dollar store toys, new crayons, coloring books, etc.) for DD1 if I could tell she was going to be a bit of a handful during a nursing session.  I saved ALL TV time for when I had to nurse baby.   I had a special basket of nursing time toys.  When baby would make a noise during sleep (but not actually need me), I would say, "I am sorry, baby, but your big sister needs me now.  You will have to wait patiently until we are done!")   By the time DD2 was 6 months, I considered having two as WAY WAY easier than having one!  The kids played together, entertained each other, the "big kid" helped out and *GASP!* I was able to take a shower or go to the bathroom or fix lunch without a clingon preschooler attached to my hip! 

I also like what Spughy had to say about enlisting the help of others.  "It takes a village to raise a child!" they say... and they are right.  

I also want to add one more thing.  You have done the baby thing before.  Everything was new when you had your son... EVERYTHING!  You are experienced now, so the newborn thing won't cause you as much of a challenge as it did the first time around.  You are not going to need to "sit on your butt nursing all day" because, guess what???   You needed to do that then because you were learning!  For me, the hardest transition was from 0 to 1.  To this day, I consider the things my DD1 is going through as "sooo challenging" because it is constantly new territory.  The same stuff comes up with DD2 and I know "It's normal" or "it's a phase" or whatever bc I have been there, done that.  And you have, too!  You have already worked out your parenting style and what works for your family, you are an experienced nurser, you know how to handle a tantrum, etc!  You have learned all of these things, so when things come up now, you have an approach already up your sleeve that worked once before!  

I remember thinking when I was in your shoes, "I can barely handle one, how can I handle double of this!!!???"  But,  it is not double the work.  Not even close to double the work!  One thing I can assure you is that it is double the love.  Maybe even more than double the love!  

[Chapsie]

Originally Posted by jodieanneanton 

I remember thinking when I was in your shoes, "I can barely handle one, how can I handle double of this!!!???"  But,  it is not double the work.  Not even close to double the work!  One thing I can assure you is that it is double the love.  Maybe even more than double the love!  

What a sweet and thoughtful answer!  And so true!!!  

[spughy]

Originally Posted by jodieanneanton 

I also want to add one more thing.  You have done the baby thing before.  Everything was new when you had your son... EVERYTHING!  You are experienced now, so the newborn thing won't cause you as much of a challenge as it did the first time around.  You are not going to need to "sit on your butt nursing all day" because, guess what???   You needed to do that then because you were learning! 

NOooOOOOOO!!!!  I totally want an excuse to sit on my butt nursing all day.  SHHHH!

[SlimP]

ClumsySP, I've got similar fears to you. My DH and I are grabbing each other crying 'OMG we're having another baby real soon! What were we thinking! We only got our lives back!'.....mostly joking but with an edge to it.
DS31/2 was such a transition from a decade of irresponsible fun together but of course he's worth it and we know our second will double that love or more. Looking after one seemed to take up all my time but I'm sure DS will keep baby entertained as well as helping me with small tasks.....I'm already asking him to tidy up before he gets his 'treat' and although he hasn't napped since he was 2 1/2 or so, I intend using tv as my substitute childminders/family when necessary. I've got a nice new wrap so baby can snooze or feed when we play and I do have a preschool option for him a couple of mornings a week so I can nap too sometimes.

Jodie, thanks for your beautifully reassuring post and great advice from Chapsie and Farmer too