Can the Courts Make Me Wean?

[dot1]

I hope this is the right forum....it's a different sort of breastfeeding "challenge" to say in the least.  

Long story short, but I had recent marriage breakdown.  Due to his narcissism and abuse, our issues are unresolvable.  I have been the primary caregiver for 2 sweet girls (dd2 15 months and dd1 almost 6). I served him with divorce papers requesting sole custody.  He lawyer responded and is asking for 50/50 custody (split to start) and is asking that I wean dd2 at age 18 months so that x can assume 50/50 custody of both.  

This is so infuriating.  This man has not spent more than 3 hours per week on his own (on average) with dd2.  I came home once to both him and the baby crying - him over "how his life had gotten so bad".  He drank to decrease the stress of caring for a baby.  He is basically trying to get out of paying child support.

But what it also highlights is how he is trying to further control me (and my body) and deliberately sabotage my bond with the girls.  In Canada, pediatricians recommend breastfeeding continue until at least age 2 and as long as mutually desired beyond that.  To me, x has no awareness of dd2's needs.  

Can a court order 50/50 custody of a toddler who is still breastfeeding?  That would be a sure way for her to suddenly wean and my supply to dry up.  I will need all the strength I can gather for this fight.  dd1 nursed until age 3.5 (at bedtime only for the last year)....and I finally weaned her d/t pressure from x.   

[pokeyAC]

I'm not familiar with Canadian family law, but I would suggest consulting with a lawyer very soon.  My guess is that no custody agreement would be enforceable until a judge/court says so, and it takes time to get through the legal system.  Here in the US, divorces and custody agreements can take a long time to work out.  Perhaps you will have time to continue bf'ing while you work through the legal issues.  I'm sorry you're going through all this stress.  If it were me, I would try to take it one day at a time until I had more concrete information about how this could work out. 

[EsteyBomberger]

Hi Dotl

We really recommend that you speak to a family law attorney in your area. Usually the courts wont consider joint custody unless it is in the best interests of the children - it doesnt seem so in this case. Things like a parent's mental and physical health, time availability and drug or physical abuse are also heavily considered during the custody proccess. If he has been physically abusive and has abused drugs in the past- both of these can increase your chances at sole custody. 

Other things that are considered (in the United States) include:

• who was the child's primary caretaker
• who is more eager to raise the children
• would moving to another parent's home/neighborhood disrupt the childrens happiness and social life 

but once again things like drug abuse and physical abuse are huge red flags. It doesn't seem like you have a lawyer- and without having a deep understanding of family law it may be difficult to defend yourself against his attorney. Lawyers can be expensive, but some will work off of a flat rate. In the case the lawyer doesn't, more often than not family lawyers pay for themselves by retention of benefits, pensions, healthcare etc. They even help divy up the assets you share. 

Sorry to hear about your situation, but we really suggest you seek legal representation if you havent already

[Asiago]

This may be helpful:

https://www.llli.org/ba/feb01.html

http://www.llli.org/law/familylaw.html

I do believe that LLL has an appointed esquire, you should be able to find the info somewhere on the site.

Good luck to you.

[dot1]

Thanks for the resources!  I do have an attorney and will discuss it with her.  

Since dd2 is breastfeeding a couple times at night, I won't agree to overnights (nor has her dad ever done night parenting anyway).  

[katiekat09]

Something else you have to remember is that judges aren't blind. They have seen it all, and in my experience, can see through all the talk when it comes to custody. If he is truly doing what he is doing for reasons other than truly caring for his children, he won't be able to hide that. Good luck.

[Asiago]

You're welcome and good luck, I hope all turns out well.

[dot1]

Met with my lawyer today, and she said that judges here (Canada) tend to support breastfeeding till age 2.  But once they turn 2 then it's expected they will start having overnights.  That's a relief, as I expect her to nightweaning before then, though I hope to keep the nursing relationship going longer until she self weans.

[pokeyAC]

That's great news, dot!  I hope everything works out well.  Keep on enjoying BF'ing your DD.

[amlikam]

I just want to say as well that DD did several weekend with my DH when 2 and didn't wean like I feared she would. So if you can keep going until then I bet you can continue to BF until it feels right to stop.

Good luck!