Not really bonding with unborn baby yet.... should I feel guilty? « Back to Group Discussions

[MayasMama88]

Hello mamas (and new mamas-to-be)! 

This is our second pregnancy, and I'm 21 weeks along and honestly... I haven't bonded with the baby yet. I have talked to it a few times, but I haven't felt any of that "tender, love-filled" connection happening. Our midwives said "Welcome to a second pregnancy!" They said that for a lot of women, the second time around is kind of "been there done that," and because of that we have to try harder to make it special... because it IS special still!

I guess part of my problem is that we have a 3 year old who I am home with 24/7, and it makes it kind of hard to get any alone time to really sit and think about connecting with the baby. So sometimes I feel guilty that this hasn't happened yet, and then other times I think, "Why should I feel guilty? The baby is in there doing it's thing, growing and preparing to enter the Earth World... and I'm here eating really good food and doing what I should be doing to help it grow and prepare to enter the Earth World. We'll bond when it's born!"

How is this situation going for you ladies? If it's your second (or more) pregnancy, how do you make it special?

[kitteh]

Oddly enough, I'm having the opposite experience. My dd was a bit of a surprise, and it really just didn't sink in that the bumps and kicks that I kept feeling inside me was going to be a little person entering our lives. It was so odd, but i just didn't feel connected to her in utero. And if I'm being completely honest, I've gotta admit that it took maybe 6 months to sink in that this was my new reality. It was kind of surreal. I don't think it was ppd, and I definitely loved her then, but nothing like the love and connection I have with her now.

This time it is just so diffrent, and I already feel so bonded to the baby. I think sharing the pregnancy experience with dd has really helped increase the bond with the little one inside.

[BabySmurf]

I honestly go back and forth - I have these amazing moments where I feel really connected, but most of the time I am concentrating on chasing after my toddler, who I am with all the time.  I try during nap times to take a few minutes and think about the baby.  Some of the things that helped me bond last time also helped this time - like finding out the sex and purchasing some itty bitty clothes (which I keep around in sight).  With DS I really got to bask in the pregnancy and had a lot more time to daydream about things.  This LO is an entirely different story.  I wonder if this predicts how much ease we will transition into families with more than one child? The other thing that makes this more real for me is naming the baby - this time around we have pretty much agreed on a name, so calling her by name makes a difference.  I have also had several friends who delivered their babies quite early, and it always lingers in my mind (however unlikely) that I only have a few more weeks until baby *could* make an appearance.  So getting things prepared is another way that I have been able to bond...well sort of, that still feels surreal to me in a lot of ways.  Anyway, so other than some transient moments, I am not terribly bonded to/with baby yet.

Anyway, i wouldn't feel guilty at all.  I don't think it's at all abnormal.  In fact, as kitteh said, it can take some time even after the baby is born to have that real strong bond - so definitely don't guilt yourself!! For DS, things hit me incrementally and the whole shebang of reality came down on me over the first three days or so of DS being born.  That first day in the hospital was definitely still surreal.  But by the first night at home, man, things really started to sink in, and I have been attached ever since.  Although I have always been a "need to see it to believe it" type of gal.  I'm betting things will be the same this time, with the added complication of having to help DS navigate through his emotions. 

[blackannis]

Don't be worried--I'm feeling quite similar, honestly. And really, I had a hard time feeling any sort of bond with DS1 pre-birth as well. I just want the little guy out and in the world safely so I don't have to worry about anything going wrong in there where it seems like it's harder to deal with--I think I've actually got a part of my mind that is trying to stay distant in case of some kind of terrible disaster. I'm not worried, though, since once DS1 made it out and we got settled into our routine, that bond just snapped into place, and I love him more than I can even say.

Speaking of which, it's bedtime for me, which means it's time to go gaze at DS1 for a bit while he sleeps before I head off to bed myself. Sometimes it's hard to keep from just snuggling him more, though I try not to since that sometimes wakes him up!

[MayasMama88]

Thank you all for your support and honesty! I have stopped feeling guilty about it, and tried to make some time to sit quietly and think about Wee One. It doesn't usually happen very well, though.... I do have a 3yo and housework and work-work to do, and those things are pretty distracting at times, lol.

BabySmurf, finding out the sex definitely helped me bond with our first! However, we are not finding out the sex until it is born this time around, and we can't seem to agree on a name for either sex, so those things aren't factors with this pregnancy. I'm just thinking that maybe the bonding won't happen until the birth.

We are going to have a homebirth with some really amazing midwives this time, compared to the drugged, detached birth we had in the hospital with Maya, so I have this gut feeling that the bonding process will be instantaneous instead of a week after birth like the first time.

I'm so glad I joined this DDC!! I love being able to talk to other mamas from all over the country (and the world!) and hear that we're all going through a lot of the same things. It's really a great support group! XOXO

[dayiscoming2006]

My good friend said she didn't bond with her 2 babies until they were born. With her second pregnancy, she actually remained in denial about it for almost the whole pregnancy. She read back some journal entries to me and it's pretty crazy. As soon as her baby was born though, she was instantly bonded. As long as you are taking care of yourself, it's no biggie.

I didn't feel very connected to this pregnancy until after I started feeling movement because I was protecting myself in case I had another miscarriage. I felt movement quite early this time though, so that has helped. Now, I feel pretty connected, but I think it'll be even better once I have my ultrasound and hopefully find out the sex. I have names picked out. One from 2 pregnancies ago and the other a new one that I really like. My hubby is fine with the names. Thankfully, he isn't very picky. :)