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how much $ for teen wardrobe? - Page 3

post #41 of 44
Thread Starter 
Thank you for that response forestmushroom, I'm going to read those links and also send to her dad. We talked at lunch today and he is going to start doing volunteer work and have her join him. I was thinking I would be the one to go, but she needs more time with her dad and someone has to watch the LO. We are also going to look into starting to geocache and go hiking.

We actually did do therapy before we moved here. We had her every weekend in our old state (when we lived close to mom) and since her mom wouldn't do anything we found a place that would do Saturday mornings. We also did parent therapy with a separate therapist, but her mom/stepdad only showed up twice. It's absolutely stupid that we haven't gotten back into therapy since moving nearly 2 years ago. I'm going to take (even more) time right now to look into some options (rather than do my work whistling.gif ).

A couple things struck me during our lunch conversation. 1 - he pointed out that I don't have those warm/fuzzy/cute/wonderful memories of her because she was already messed up when I met her. Some things I feel good that I've made an impression on (she no longer screams like she broke her ankle when stubbing a toe for example, not exaggerated) and others I feel like nothing helps. 2 - he worries the same as I do. That she is intrinsically an uncaring manipulative person. He points out that she does not feel remorse about anything she does wrong, regardless of who it hurts, unless she's called on her action rather severely. And this was where i pointed out again that we have to keep trying and we have to get therapy started. We swing back and forth on who is more hopeful for this situation, with one of us always holding up the other. I'm so lucky where he is concerned.

Also - I just feel the need to throw out there that we have actually managed to create a really good working/parenting relationship between the 4 of us parents for the most part. It's not really relevant to the conversation but I never wanted her to feel the need to defend her mom to me or feel like I was trying to be a replacement.
post #42 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by neonalee View Post

. 2 - he worries the same as I do. That she is intrinsically an uncaring manipulative person. He points out that she does not feel remorse about anything she does wrong, regardless of who it hurts, unless she's called on her action rather severely.

 

I think it is awesome that you are asking these questions and working together. You seem so open and I really admire that.

 

One thing I would caution is ...  you don't really know what a person is feeling. They may appear like they do not care, or they may not look like you want them to look when they are expressing contrition... a lot of teens do things because they want to, but they do not realize that they are hurting other people by doing it. I would stop from assigning motive to her, or drawing universal conclusions like she is intrinsically an uncaring person.

 

I would highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Reviving-Ophelia-Saving-Selves-Adolescent/dp/B0018ZREKA see if your library has it, or it would be worth owning if you can...

 

Reviving Ophelia

 

Good luck!

post #43 of 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by forestmushroom View Post
One thing I would caution is ...  you don't really know what a person is feeling. They may appear like they do not care, or they may not look like you want them to look when they are expressing contrition... a lot of teens do things because they want to, but they do not realize that they are hurting other people by doing it. I would stop from assigning motive to her, or drawing universal conclusions like she is intrinsically an uncaring person.

 

Another point - a lot of times, teens (in particular) will give an appearance of not caring - because they perceive it as a sign of weakness which can be exploited to hurt them. So they learn to hide all appearances of caring - if you don't care, you can't be hurt. It's safer.

post #44 of 44
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post

Quote:
One thing I would caution is ...  you don't really know what a person is feeling. They may appear like they do not care, or they may not look like you want them to look when they are expressing contrition... a lot of teens do things because they want to, but they do not realize that they are hurting other people by doing it. I would stop from assigning motive to her, or drawing universal conclusions like she is intrinsically an uncaring person.

Another point - a lot of times, teens (in particular) will give an appearance of not caring - because they perceive it as a sign of weakness which can be exploited to hurt them. So they learn to hide all appearances of caring - if you don't care, you can't be hurt. It's safer.

That is a really good point that I should have already known. Thank you smile.gif

Probably (hopefully) won't be back for a few days. I've almost literally not done any work today between this, therapist hunting, and dealing with my own medical issue! Need to focus for a couple days!
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