We actually did do therapy before we moved here. We had her every weekend in our old state (when we lived close to mom) and since her mom wouldn't do anything we found a place that would do Saturday mornings. We also did parent therapy with a separate therapist, but her mom/stepdad only showed up twice. It's absolutely stupid that we haven't gotten back into therapy since moving nearly 2 years ago. I'm going to take (even more) time right now to look into some options (rather than do my work ).
A couple things struck me during our lunch conversation. 1 - he pointed out that I don't have those warm/fuzzy/cute/wonderful memories of her because she was already messed up when I met her. Some things I feel good that I've made an impression on (she no longer screams like she broke her ankle when stubbing a toe for example, not exaggerated) and others I feel like nothing helps. 2 - he worries the same as I do. That she is intrinsically an uncaring manipulative person. He points out that she does not feel remorse about anything she does wrong, regardless of who it hurts, unless she's called on her action rather severely. And this was where i pointed out again that we have to keep trying and we have to get therapy started. We swing back and forth on who is more hopeful for this situation, with one of us always holding up the other. I'm so lucky where he is concerned.
Also - I just feel the need to throw out there that we have actually managed to create a really good working/parenting relationship between the 4 of us parents for the most part. It's not really relevant to the conversation but I never wanted her to feel the need to defend her mom to me or feel like I was trying to be a replacement.