2 yr rant

[Amt1015]

As January quickly turns into February I am saden even more with AF showing up today. Two years ago DW and I started TTC. With AF starting marks the failure of 24 cycles. We are now on donor #4, and I have been through every test under the sun. DW has grown so negitive about the whole process that she says "it's never going to work" but yet wants to keep trying. I feel like I am all alone in this. I find it hard to even find peace here anymore. We have 2 more month of trying with clomid then we have revise our plan...

Thanks for listening...I know my issues are no bigger or smaller than anyone else, but it makes me feel better knowing you took the time to read mine.

 to everyone

[pokeyAC]

I'm sorry Amt.  That just sucks and it's ok to say so.  It's very frustrating.  I'm sorry the tests haven't shown you anything helpful.  Your baby is out there somewhere.   to you.

[Twomommyfamily]

I'm so sad to read this Amt.  I'm at the other end of the journey with this being my first cycle ttc. I know this process can be long and painful and extremely frustrating. Like Pokey said, your baby is out there somewhere. 

[Sphinxy]

Amt, I'm so sorry. I have so much compassion for what you are going through... two years is a long time. 

[carmen358]

I'm sorry Amt. 

[granite]

Hi Amt, I too want to add my voice here, just to validate the crappiness of all you've been through... Like twomommyfamily, I'm relatively new to the active part of the TTC rollercoaster, with this cycle being my first insem, but I've been trying to get to this point since June and to me that feels like a lifetime: I can't even imagine how much harder two years would be. Even now I have days when I don't check in here on the forums just because I don't want to see how others are moving on... Even though I love y'all so much, and don't know what I'd do without you!

Have you seen a counsellor or therapist? My DP and I had to have a session with a(n) (in)fertility therapist as part of the requirements for using frozen donor sperm (Canadian gov't rules), and at one point during the hour-long chat, the therapist remarked that she loves the sessions with queer couples because they aren't full of grief over being unable to conceive. I had to correct her, because while our grief is certainly different from that experienced by a heterosexual couple, DP and I definitely feel a huge sadness that we can't simply make a baby all on our own.  It may not be logical, but it's there... And add to that the constant testings and waiting and diagnoses of assorted complications and more waiting, waiting, waiting... I'm getting all mopy and teary just from writing this. It's full of big emotions, what we're doing in creating our families... Sometimes I go to therapy just to have a chance to tell my story to a (trained) stranger, even just to help me myself process it all.

Thanks for sharing.

[Sphinxy]

Originally Posted by granite 

...while our grief is certainly different from that experienced by a heterosexual couple, DP and I definitely feel a huge sadness that we can't simply make a baby all on our own.  It may not be logical, but it's there... 

AMEN! I'm actually kind of shocked that a trained therapist wouldn't have been on the lookout for that (or experienced it before with other queer couples since she's seen a few!). I've been seeing a therapist for years and the first time I brought up even thinking about TTC she mentioned the potential grief, anger, and sadness that might come with not having the "parts" to do it au naturale. I was a newbie and all like, "Nah, I'm cool." Fast forward a year and I was sobbing in her office...

[esenbee2]

I couldn't imagine what 24 failed cycles would feel like. We tried for 4 cycles last year, took a financial and medical break, and started trying again in December. DSp was very negative about it all, This isn't going to work, Why don't you just have a doctor do it... That sort of thing. I can understand the frustrations and upset-ness you feel when your DW is being negative. My DSp was wanting to give up after this December cycle.

[darthtunaqueen]

We did one year and 10 failed cycles before finding out DW has a massive cyst thing that needs to be surgically removed, and that our KD had a 100% abnormal sperm morphology. I was so pissed. We're on a long break now (DW is going back to school, I'm working to pay off all of my debt). The struggles we had TTC were never dealt with, and recently we started nattering at each other more and not communicating properly, so we're going to work on that while we wait to be ready. May will mark our 2 year TTC start. I feel sick just thinking about it...

You're not alone on this crappy journey. <3

[escher]

Amt,

This process stinks.

Do you know the Insert Metaphor blog? TTC their first child was insanely hard, and it might be helpful to read some parts of their journey. They are currently expecting their second child, who was conceived relatively easily.

You may also want to check out the book Navigating the Land of IF, just because it is a book that really acknowledges how much challenging conceptions hurt.

Good luck!

[Amt1015]

Thank you each and every one for your kind word! I have stayed away since this post trying to compose myself. I am in a much better head space now!

Pokey-you are absolutely correct it does Suck! Saying it out loud makes me feel much better!

2momfam- I hope your journey is super short and bitter sweet!

Garnite- I have thought about seeing a therapist but in my area it is hard to find a DR of any kind who truly knows their a$$ from a hole in the ground. I travel 2 hrs one way to see the RE, not that I'm complaining. DW and I make a day of it when we go!

Darth- I have followed your story since before you were Darth :) I hope your "break" flies by quickly and you're debt free with a new LO at the end!

Escher- Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have started reading that blog and it has help so much and I am only 3 month in. I have that book as well I just can't bring myself to go ahead and pick it up and start it...if I do that then that means something might actually be wrong with me when all the test say I'm fine.

After a long chat with the nurse from my RE office we have decided to cont with 100 mg of Clomid for another 2 cycles then switch meds and go to heavier monitoring. In other news I have a court date with my ex-husband for my older children. If I have my way DW will be adopting them soon! 

[granite]

Originally Posted by Amt1015 

After a long chat with the nurse from my RE office we have decided to cont with 100 mg of Clomid for another 2 cycles then switch meds and go to heavier monitoring. In other news I have a court date with my ex-husband for my older children. If I have my way DW will be adopting them soon! 

Yay! That's excellent, Amt! Looking forward to hearing your updates... Will you join us again at QC?