Infertility for Beginners: "things I wish I had known"

[daurelia]

Hey all,

Many of you know me, I haven't been around much the last few months, but for the last 19 months I have struggled with infertility and repeated miscarriages. This board has been a great support to me, particularly some of the veterans when I was at the beginning of my journey.

I'm doing a lot better these last few months, partially because I'm now working with a fantastic doctor but also because  I have just reached a place of acceptance. 7 months ago I was miserable, more depressed than I've ever been in my life. My journey is far from over, but I feel confident I will not be that low again (or at least I hope not).

Anyway, all this is to say, I was thinking of compiling advice from infertility "veterans". Something along the lines of "what do you wish you had known" (or taken to heart). Ranging from emotional advice to medical advice to other things.

I'll start.

1. I wish I had known that REs can do more than just IUI or IVF, that there's a whole range of things they can do. I didn't know this before, and I was scared of IVF, so I put off going to a doctor. I wish I hadn't waited.

2. I also would advise someone to be as honest and open with their loved ones about their infertility situation as possible, because for the most part, that has really helped me-- getting support from friends and family.

What are some other good pieces of advice?

I'm the first among my core group of friends to TTC, so I anticipate down the road some of them might come to me for advice.

[Sourire]

This is a great topic idea!

Here are some more:

- Infertility is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. Don't let anyone tell you that you are "overreacting" or "thinking about it too much" or "taking things too seriously". You have the right to find it very difficult.

- A good psychologist who specialises in infertility can be a great asset to help you get through everything.

- It can take a while to accept that you are going to need help to get pregnant. Take the time you need to come to terms with this, but don't delay too much in getting help because the journey can be long enough without unnecessary delays.

[SKJ2011]

I love this tread idea too!

Just a quickie for now. I found this little website to be very helpful. http://infertility.about.com/od/copingwithinfertility/ss/10-Things-To-Stop-Doing-To-Yourself-If-You-Are-Fertility-Challenged_10.htm

[ilovetchotchkes]

I wish I had known that when I did finally get pregnant, some of the friends that I had a "bond" with so to speak because of my struggles would be very upset with me because it wasn't them. And even more so when secondary infertility was not  an issue with baby #2. :(  (mine was all weight related and I kept the weight off after i had my son) 

That the earlier I started the better- my RE actually commented that I was doing the best possible thing coming in at 27 and a year of trying rather than waiting because the sooner we started the better the outcome was likely to be. 

[daurelia]

ilovetchotchkes, I'm sorry your friendships have been compromised :( Truly, the relationships I have with other women who become pregnant or have children has been one of the biggest challenges for me.

No one should be cruel to each other or abandon each other, but at the same time, I'm actually learning to forgive myself for putting a little distance between myself and my pregnant friends. They understandably want to talk about it a lot and it's just really hard for me to hear right now. And I realize now that life is long, and I can be closer with them a little later when I am more ready.

A very good friend of mine knows what's going on with me and she told me she was pregnant in the sweetest, most heartfelt email-- saying how unfair it is that we're not both pregnant and how much she loves me and is rooting for me. And since then, she's respected me by opening each email conversation without mentioning her pregnancy and waiting for me to ask how she is feeling (which I always do). She respects that we talk about her pregnancy on my terms because I'm hurting so much.

Back to the original point of this thread, I wanted to add something else:

if you are going through infertility for trying to have your first child, allow yourself to indulge extra in all the things you love but will have to limit when you have a child. For so long, I didn't make travel plans and didn't drink wine etc etc etc because I was on pins and needles hoping to be pregnant any second. I've stopped doing that and am resuming all the activities I love, and I'm much happier because of it. And this way, when I finally become a mother, I will look back on my last child-free years with fondness instead of resentment.

[Sourire]

Originally Posted by daurelia 

if you are going through infertility for trying to have your first child, allow yourself to indulge extra in all the things you love but will have to limit when you have a child. For so long, I didn't make travel plans and didn't drink wine etc etc etc because I was on pins and needles hoping to be pregnant any second. I've stopped doing that and am resuming all the activities I love, and I'm much happier because of it. And this way, when I finally become a mother, I will look back on my last child-free years with fondness instead of resentment.

I really agree with this one daurelia! For so long I was depriving myself of so many things and I felt like I wasn't actually living my life, like everything was on pause. There's only so long you can be on pause for though. Now whenever I get a BFN I make a point of doing something I couldn't have done if I was pregnant. After my last BFN I went skiing. Now I'm in between FET cycles so DH and I have booked a vacation to an adults-only resort in Jamaica. It always helps to have something to look forward to even if you get a BFN!

[daurelia]

Sourire! That trip to Jamaica sounds like just what the doctor ordered. I totally agree and was exactly the same way for so long. My big thing is travel- I am the kind of person who eats rice and beans every day so I can afford to travel all over the world. But in the last two years I didn't plan any trips because of TTC. That has depressed me so much. I've changed my tune... what's the worst thing that can happen? As long as I don't plan a trip too far in advance, I can still travel even if I get pregnant.

Also, my husband and I are trying to get back into enjoying sex for the sake of having sex. We are trying new things and just generally re-claiming our sex life. It's been so good for us. I hope that when I have a baby someday I look back on this time fondly.

[Xerxella]

Losing weight really does help. And it can help A WHOLE LOT! No one wants to tell you to lose the weight, so you have to do it yourself.

Anything works if you stick to it. Weight watchers worked for me or you can just get a free ap and do it on your own.

But just do it. You'll be glad you did.

[ilovetchotchkes]

Originally Posted by Xerxella 

Losing weight really does help. And it can help A WHOLE LOT! No one wants to tell you to lose the weight, so you have to do it yourself.

Anything works if you stick to it. Weight watchers worked for me or you can just get a free ap and do it on your own.

But just do it. You'll be glad you did.

My doc did! I can't remember what he said, but he said "you need to lose weight" in the nicest humanly possible way. I am friends with his wife and her words after wards were "I wish ALL his patients would listen like you did, they'd all be much happier (more likely to get pregnant) because of it". 

I'm pretty sure he said something like "my guess is that if  lose 5-10% of your body weight that you stand a 50% chance of getting pregnant on your own without drugs or IVF. If you want to do it quick, I recommend South Beach or a simliar low carb diet that's balanced" 

Those were really good odds for us because we could not afford IVF. And were in fact paying for all infertility stuff OUT OF POCKET. And whaddya know, it worked a charm! :)


I think i'd also like to tell people going through it, that i'm there for them, i've been there, and its horrible, and I remember only too well, the middle of the night crying jags in the shower because yet another friend had announced a pregnancy on facebook before the pee dried on the pregnancy test. 

[onelittlebird]

(I've been lurking here forever, with a different account. Now I'm starting anew.)

I wish I'd known the emotional havoc it would wreak. I thought I DID know, but that was only intellectually, you know? I didn't really deeply, emotionally, know how it could tear at my most precious relationships.  How lonely it would feel all the time, how I'd be living my life in two-week increments, how hearing of my friends' pregnancies would make me feel so sad and envious and hate myself for it.

[thezoolife]

Originally Posted by onelittlebird 

How lonely it would feel all the time, how I'd be living my life in two-week increments, how hearing of my friends' pregnancies would make me feel so sad and envious and hate myself for it.

I totally went through that. It seemed like everyone I knew was getting pregnant. Even people who "weren't suppose to" and there I was, "healthy" & "young" and nothing.
One of the things that I most took to heart was never ask someone if they are going to have kids or suggest they have kids unless you are really really close with them. This is obviously something I wish everyone followed. So often my friends would get pregnant, share the news and go on and on how my husband and I should have a baby. It was so heart breaking to me. When my MIL died one of her neighbors told me how much she had wanted grand kids and how she talked about it all the time. That was the worst feeling ever. Anyway, I know that people don't mean to be mean or hurtful but it happens.
I guess my advice is never ask anyone about their reproductive status and don't take it to heart when someone ask you. Because they will. A lot especially the longer you are married.

[thezoolife]

Oh and when I was TTC I cried every month when nothing happened. Each time I would tell myself that I wasn't going to cry the next time but I would and then feel bad for doing so. Allow yourself to cry and be upset. It is upsetting and frustrating. Don't add to that by chastising yourself for feeling your feelings. But don't dwell on the negative either. As my mom kept saying to me: "now a days, everyone who wants a baby can get a baby. "