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Queer, Pregnant, and Parenting--February and March 2013! - Page 13

post #241 of 539

Just dropping in from our vacation in San Diego to say to everyone and comment on a couple of things:


carriers:  I think it'd be great to be able to test them when your baby is actually here.  So many babies have very particular tastes + unique bodies + personal tastes = very individual likes/preferences.  

With DD we used a moby-style wrap for the newborn stage, which I loved using.  And the Ergo from about three weeks, but no insert, can't stand it ... we rolled up a receiving blanket and put it under her wee bum.  She was six pounds at birth, so on the small side.  We also used a sling with her until about 8 months, but slings make my sciatica act up once by babies are of a certain weight.  WIth regards to the Ergo, DD was a perfect fit for it as she is a hands in/leans in kind of worn baby.  I wore her in the woven wrap (5m Vatanai) a lot too.  She was very content to go up-up and stay up-up.

With DS we had a Buddha wrap for the infant stages (about four weeks).  I didn't like it very much, but it did the trick and was comfy.  Fiddly to put on though, and rather too elastic-y for my heftier baby (8 lbs at birth).  I started to used the Ergo with him, but it wasn't comfortable at all beyond the first few months, whereas I was still wearing DD in it up to age three+.  I was confused.  Turns out that he's a differenent creature altogether.  He likes to keep his arms out and lean back.  So I did a bit of research and now have a toddler-size kinderpack, which is working well.  I only used the 5m wrap with him as a newborn, when he slept mostly.  He loves to be up and down, so I don't wrap him much right now.  I imagine I'll wrap him more in the summer, when there are fewer jackets and temp variables.  I use the sling occasionally with him, and keep it in the car for when I forget to bring the kinderpack.  

My advice is to not buy anything new (unless you're loaded and don't mind experimenting at a cost) because you are not the one who will decide what carrier is best.  Your baby will! 

I've got carriers off of CL, babywearer, trades with other mamas looking for the perfect carrier match, and from swap meets with a local baby wearing group.  

So, while we've had an Ergo, Zolo sling, Maya sling, Moby-style wrap, Buddha Wrap, Kinderpack, african cloth wrap, Vatanai woven wrap and a Beco Butterfly, we only actually use one of them (with a second as backup) at any given stage.  I often trade the one I'm no longer using for the one I want to use.  Right now we have the kinderpack and a Maya sling in rotation.  The Vatanai I've kept throughout, because there's always use for a woven wrap!



Maternity/Parental Leave

I am so saddened to hear my American friends talk about their leave situations.  I'm Canadian, so I'm paid a portion of my wage (about 60% or so) from EI benefits that I pay into.  That covers 12 months, and then I take another three on top of that, unpaid.  It's my part-time job as a paramedic that I pay into the EI with.  If I were full time, I'd get topped up to 85% of my wages for 12 months. 

If you are self-employed (my writing career, for example) you can pay into the EI program too, and still get the 12 months at a portion of your wage.

We're still trying very hard to adopt our neighbour's foster child, and if we manage to (verrrry long shot, but trying our damnedest!), then I'll get 9 months off at 60% of my wages (the other three are for the birthing parent, as maternity leave, so we won't qualify for those), and will take three at no-pay to have a complete year at home with her.

I wish that the US had similar benefits.  I truly value my time at home with my babies, and wish the same for all of you! 


Personals later ... for now the beach beckons!  

post #242 of 539

Maternity/Parental Leave -I am also very infuriated with the US and maternity leave.  Other countries have a completely different mindset toward family than the US does.  I too fantasize about living in one of those countries who offer at least 40 weeks 100% pay.   I came from a family where my mother breastfed us, was able to stay home with us as babies and toddlers and was there when we got home from school.  I feel very fortunate.  When dreaming of starting my own family, that is how I imagined that it would be like.  Trying to arrange working and caring for my children has been so depressing.  I was very lucky that with DD, I got 6 weeks short term disability at 100% from day 1.  I lived with my mother and worked part-time at nights, so I was able to put her down for the night, go to work, be home when she woke up, my mother would watch her while I slept for a little bit, wake up for her mid-morning feeding, go back to sleep.  It eventually turned into my mother doing her mid-morning feeding and me sleeping, but I was still there and felt better than her being in a daycare.  This time around, I work full-time days, only get up to 11 weeks (but I think with a vaginal delivery it will only be approved for 6 weeks) at 60% from day 15.  So the first 3 weeks will be unpaid?  I only get 2 weeks vacation and 1 week of sick time, and I have to use some of it to go to prenatal appointments and DD doctor appointments.  Trying to negotiate working part-time from home is going to be hard, but thankfully it will be during our slow season and they are willing to work with me.  We will see.  It would probably mean losing at least 50% of my income for the months that I work from home.  That is going to be crazy hard to survive on.  I had dreams of supplementing that with writing my first novella and self-publishing it as an e-book, but I have half of a chapter so far....  Yeah, I know, crazy dream and everyone probably has an idea for a book in their head!  To add on top of that, since I am putting off getting my MFA, all of my student loans are going to be coming up due soon, as I have pretty much have already deferred them to the maximum, so I am not sure how I can work out deferring them/reducing payments and still affording to live.

post #243 of 539

AHope -Yes, I have thought about what it might look like to leave.  It would work, but would be a struggle.  I think we would split the phone bill, split the car insurance or get separate policies, I might go live my mother and let DSp live in the house, but still pay the mortgage since it's in my name only (we did it that way because of DSp's credit).  I wouldn't have electricity/water/cable/internet bills that way.  DSp wouldn't have rent to pay that way.  I would probably be stuck with paying off all of credit card debt because I am the main account holder on most of them and DSp would have 1 that is only in his name.  It would be messy, and hard, but it would work out okay.


I actually almost got to see what it would be like this weekend.................... (I really feel like this should be a separate thread, but I think things have worked themselves out for right now, so hopefully this is my last post about my crazy relationship problems!) I'm going to put the rest of this in a spoiler because it's kind of a wordy story.  

Warning: VERY LONG, WORDY story about the issues right now in my crazy relationship. (Click to show)


DSp got into an argument with me about circumcision and it ended up turning physical (on DSp's part and totally NOT acceptable).  I sat on the bed, curled up in a ball, sobbing, praying for a path that led me out of my life with DSp.  DSp kept coming in the room discussing the circumcision argument.  He eventually asked why I was crying over circumcision, to which I replied that I wasn't crying over that, that I was crying because of how he put his hands on me.  At that point, he said, Well maybe I should just leave then, kind of put it back on me, like I was unreasonable one for not being okay with how he treated me, but I could tell that there was a little more to it, almost like guilt, but not wanting to admit the feeling of guilt.  And he started packing all of his clothes.  I didn't try to stop him, was going to let him leave, and felt relieved.  DD was in the room when he was packing and of course was crying, which was a little hard to watch.  When DSp finished, he put all of his stuff on the porch and asked if I could take him to his truck (because he had let our house guest take it work).  Then DSp started talking about circumcision again like that was the reason why he was leaving.  It ended at a stalemate and we got in the car and went to his truck.  And he left.  I went back to house and started to pick up the room, which he left in a disarray.  But then he called after a short time and asked if we could at least have a discussion about things and the circumcision talk again.  I agreed and we went to get lunch.


At lunch, DD didn’t really let us have a conversation, and I didn’t really feel prepared to have a full discussion without having the resources that I researched when the board was having the lengthy discussion, so we agreed to discuss it later.  After lunch I asked DSp if he wanted to go with us to the toy store to find a toy for DD that I had been searching for.  So we dropped DSp’s truck off at our house guest’s work and ended up going on an all-day scavenger hunt where DD ended up with a BUNCH of LaLa Loopsy dolls and her parents agreeing to work it out.


That night when we went to bed, DSp wanted to talk about it again and brought up the Philippine culture and their prepubescent rituals and the fact that 93% of Filipino males are circumcised between the ages of 9 and 12.  He brought some valid points and reasons having to do with the culture and we were able to come to a decision about circumcision together.  It might not be the side that I originally was on, but I feel okay with the decision and do not feel bullied or scared or forced into the decision.  Just a little sad about it. 


As for the physical-ness of our argument, I told DSp that he wasn't going to put his hands on me that way again.  I left it at that and there wasn't any more word about it.  If he gets close to that point again (he has done it maybe 4 other times, never to the point of physical abuse) I am going to tell him that he doesn't get to do that and he can go ahead and leave.  Also, though I didn't stipulate it, if he starts in on me with emotional abuse again, I am going to tell him he needs to stop right there and start speaking to me with more respect.  So we'll see how all that goes.  Though his behavior is not excusable, I have let it go on without much standing up for myself.  Only recently have begun to express that I am not to be treated that way.  Now is the time for me to really stand up tall to get his behavior to really change.  If it doesn't, then I am going to leave.


Edited by esenbee2 - 2/25/13 at 12:18pm
post #244 of 539



for those not on Facebook .......


we welcomed our beautiful boys Sunday morning at 1:10,11,12 am ... 

Baby A who is August Michael broke his bag of water around 8 pm sat night and decided their birthdays should be on Feb 24 th instead if Feb 26 th :) 

my c section went way better than I could've imagined and I did not get freaked out like I thought i would ..


baby a is August Michael weighed 5 lbs 2 oz he's the biggest 

baby b is Gage Daniel weighed 4 lbs 13.5 oz 

baby c is Finn Edward weighed 4 lbs 2 oz 


They were born at exactly 34 weeks and are doing very well !!!!


gage is only one on c pap :) 


pics soon As I'm home !!!

post #245 of 539

Esenbee ...

Time to leave, honey.  Gather your papers, begin to extract yourself from the legal bits, set aside some money, and leave.

You can figure out the logistics and closure pieces once you and your daughter are safe.

When I worked at a transition house for mamas and kids fleeing abuse, many women told stories similar to yours, including the part that you put in the spoiler. Want to know something even more interesting?  A lot of their relationships imploded when they became pregnant.  A lot of abusive folks end up being in a relationship where they get to be the babied one, and when a real baby is introduced into the picture, their role is up-ended and that becomes a trigger for further and escalating abuse.  It often became even worse once that baby was actually born.

I see several red flags in your latest post and previous ones.  

This person is not your lifemate, or your true love. 
Your spouse may be your friend, lover, confidante, and co-parent, but he is also your abuser, no matter how much you love him or how much your lives are enmeshed.

I can be the blunt stranger on the internet, and as such, easily dismissed, but I do need to speak up, both as a peer and as someone who has worked the frontlines in this regard.

Remind me, your spouse is trans? If so, where is he in his transition?  If he uses testosterone as an excuse for his increasing aggression, I want you to know that that is utter bullshit.  

My ex is FTM, and runs a support group for trans men.  His emphasis to the guys in the group is all about how testosterone is supposed to help you come into your own and help you align with your true self ... it is NOT an excuse to act like a misogynist asshole.  If that is happening, then he needs to do a whole lot more work around his ideas about what it means to be a man, and why he treats women so.

post #246 of 539

Welcome to the world, August, Gage and Finn!

So wonderful to hear that they arrived safe and sound!  


post #247 of 539
Thread Starter 

Cananny-So glad to hear you were good with the c/s despite your anxiety and that only Gage is on the c-pap!  jumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gifjumpers.gif

It's pretty freakin' great that they waited until 34 weeks and came when they decided they were ready and you didn't have any serious health problems that made them come ealier.  I'm excited to meet them and check in on you new mamas when you're ready.  hug2.gif

post #248 of 539

canannny CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am dying to see a picture here!  Glad things went so well and everyone is healthy!  

post #249 of 539

essenbee. . I sort of agree with starling here. . it sounds like you all are stuck in a bad place.  I do support you standing up and putting your foot down on how you should be treated and how you should not be treated, I think the problem is when people don't learn new skills on communicating it is VERY hard to change patterns of how you talk to and interact with people.   So if you are both committed to staying please, go get some outside help, this should not be on you.  There have to be some community resources to help fund therapy if you all are in a bad financial place.  And I am just sorry you are going through this, pregnancy should be a place where you are loved and supported and I really think you deserve that!!!  

post #250 of 539



post #251 of 539
cananny -those babies are so precious. Glad to see they are a good weight for triplets and they came without any problems! Hope you are thoroughly enjoying yourselves!

Thank you cordelia and starling. I have read quite a bit on the internet on emotional abuse, including those who work for women and children centers like yourself. I agree that the situation I have found myself in is pretty much a classic case. It is upon reading about it that I have discovered that it is NOT excuseable and why I have been able to find the words to speak up against it when it happens. I have an idea of when it would be time to leave and if things are beginning to look like that, I know I will have the strength be able to leave. Maybe I am still in a slight denial phase about just exactly who he is (thinking that he can change), but I am now aware of the severity of the situation and that I do NOT want my life like this. I want to truly thank you for your reply post, it really does help knowing that I am not just making up how bad it is.

He isn't in any kind of transition or on T. That issue of not being able to control anger is something that I do worry about if he ever decides to start transition, but right now, he doesn't want to come out to family and friends.
post #252 of 539

Congrats Cananny! joy.gifThey are beautiful! How wonderful that they are doing so well.

post #253 of 539

Congratulations, Cannany!! They look so beautiful and healthy. I am over the moon for you! joy.gif 

post #254 of 539

esenbee - What an awful roller coaster to be on. It sounds like a big step for you to be identifying these problems and what you would rather see for yourself and your children. You are so strong. Sending you lots of love! 


Afm, we had our first ultrasound last night. I was looking forward to it but I didn't realize how much I needed that. I feel like the weight of the world has bee lifted from my shoulders. There really is a baby in there! And he/she has a heartbeat! And we heard it! The relief is so overwhelming I could cry.


Question - How early did you start wearing maternity bottoms? I work from home right now and spend most days in loungewear, which is still fine and comfortable. But for going out I have basically one pair of jeans that is still fitting me right now, and I'm not sure how much longer they are going to last. It seems a little early though to be wearing a tummy panel! Also my bras are leaving marks on my skin so I think they are too small now too, even on the biggest setting. Is it time already for a maternity bra or would you just recommend getting one a size up for now? I don't have a good understanding of how much bigger they are going to get!

post #255 of 539

Cananny, I've said it on FB but I'll say it here too: congrats on those beautiful babies!!!


Esenbee, you've got lots of good advice from folks here, and it sounds like you're thinking through your options. We are all here for you. xoxo


Sphinxy, you're how far along? 8 or 10 weeks? Totally normal to have some belly and boob swelling. You don't NEED a pair of maternity jeans at this point, but you might consider buying them anyway, since you will soon, and they'll be more comfortable now. During my first pregnancy, I made it through the whole thing in the same size maternity jeans. This time, I had to get a larger size half way through. There's really no telling. Consignment shops or craigslist will sometimes have nice used stuff, so you're not making a $35-$55 commitment to a pair of jeans you may only wear for a few months. In terms of bras, I just live in a sports bra now. I find it so much more comfortable.

post #256 of 539

Congrats again, Cananny! I love seeing your little boys sweet little faces - they make me smile! What an amazing thing you have done!!


esenbee, as someone who hasn't been abused by a partner but grew up with a very abusive step father who was abusive to my mom and the kids....I say get out too. I'm sorry but I have NEVER heard of a case where it gets better...it always gets worse. Or it gets quiet...which isn't better. Please, please, please take care of your self and your DD - I hate to point this out but your DD is likely scared out of her mind. I watched my mom be emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused for years and it still haunts me (she died of cancer 10 years ago).


sphinxy, have you tried a belly/bella band? I never found they worked with my body shape but it might for you. You can also get maternity jeans and pants without the full belly panel - I wore some from about 11 or 12 weeks with DD as I just couldn't stand the tightness around my lower abdomen. This time around I've been wearing the full panel ones since about 9 or 10 weeks! I switched to a good quality nursing bra when I was in the 3rd trimester with DD - I haven't switched yet this time. If you do decide to get a nursing bra now keep in mind that you will get bigger so get one that will accommodate growth :)

post #257 of 539
S+B, hugs. I'm glad you're taking it seriously but I'm sorry it's happening.

CaNanny, hot damn are they cute! August looks like such a little lover. Why does Finn have a feeding tube but not the others? Is August able to eat by bottle or breast already? How's little Gage? Any problems with the 2 vessel cord or does he have a clean bill of health? Was Finn the smallest? That wasn't expected, was it? Or did baby C beat baby B out and confuse me about who's who? Lol, I hope I got their names right? They're in age order in your post, right? Sorry for all the questions. You're under no obligation to answer them all. How are you? Can you breathe again? How is your DP handling all this? Will she take her week off work now or when you all come home?

Sphinxy, do you have a Bella band? I think that's what they're called. It covers the top of your pants and helps hold them up if you just unbutton them. There's also a rubber band trick if your shirt is long enough. I think I moved into low rise maternity pants around 12 weeks? Before that my pants fit poorly due to bloating, tho.
post #258 of 539
Cananny, so beautiful! Congratulations, and I hope you, your boys, and your wife are getting the rest you need.
post #259 of 539

Thank you everyone we are pretty smitten !!


seraf ... The boys came out not in order ... So a ended up as August ... The biggest... B who was C in utero was the 2nd biggest Gage and Finn was last making him C he had the two vessel cord (SUA) 

none of boys have feeding tubes but they will prob get them today.. So far August has nursed a little ... gage is still on c pap he gets lazy and forgets to breathe .. Finn our tiny boy is off Cpap and doing well despite his size! He so far has no issues due to The SUA ! August and Finn both love kangaroo care and to be held...Gage likes to be left alone but loves when we hold him

When Gage cries both Aug and Finn startle and fuss a little it's actually really amazing they recognize his cry! 

Dp will take time once they are home but she spends nights here with me in hosp .. I should go home Thursday :(  :) 

we def are adjusting... I am working hard to get milk to come in pumping every 2-3 hrs .. The first day I got close to 2.5 oz of colostrum but since then nada ( few drops) so working with the LC and hoping it comes in!!

ok off to snuggle my boys!

post #260 of 539
CaNanny, what's the tape on Finn's chin? I guess I thought that was holding a feeding tube. It sounds like you have plenty to think about! It's awesome that they look so different. Do they have ideas for when the boys will be ready to come home? Do you live near the hospital?
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