Queer, Pregnant, and Parenting--February and March 2013! - Page 20

[seraf]

Pokey, holy crap, I support a family of 6 on less than that daycare costs. Feeling overwhelmed, unprepared and emotional are no fun at all. Hopefully you feel better soon.

AmandaHope, I'm sure she's excited for her opportunity to gain autonomy. Having more rested and happy moms will probably be the benefit she actually notices. Good luck. You know I'm cheering for you, even at 3 AM.

[KnittingTigers]

Pokey, that is some hella pricey daycare! Even when we lived in DC (which ranks in the top 3 for most expensive cities), our daycare costs were about $1,500 at a very well-run Bright Horizons center. Here in the south, centers are much cheaper (like $700-$800). No shame at all in not wanting (or not being able!) to pay that much. We've had friends who've found nanny shares to be a more affordable way to get great care. I hope you find something that works well for you guys. We've had lots of different situations over the past 4.5 years, and they all have their pros and cons.

Amanda, good luck tonight!!

[prettyisa]

Carmen—Big, big hugs to you, and your whole family. That sounds horrible all around. I can totally understand your anxiety about the baby—I had a lot, too, and that was without any of your history. I think there's nothing you can really do but keep having faith and hope that everything will turn out well. Are you feeling much movement? Maybe that will be reassuring when there is lots of squirming around to remind you that things are going the way they should.

Ahope—glad it's getting better than that first night! And good luck tonight—I'm sure she'll get it soon if not tonight. And I'm sure that a month from now you'll feel better-rested than you have in a very, very long time.

Pokey—wow. Just, wow. That's more than twice what we are paying for daycare (in a city!) and we love the place we're using. I would suggest looking into some of the local parent lists in the city and seeing if anyone has recommendations for home daycares. That's how I found the one we are at, and I can honestly say I think it's a better environment for my kid than the more expensive centers I looked at, based on her personality (she really, REALLY likes being mixed in with the older kids, which she wouldn't have gotten at the centers we looked at). And all you need to worry about for quite some time, in my opinion, is caregivers that love your child and keep them safe, happy, and busy.

Thanks for the support, everyone! We are more or less following Amanda into nightweaning. It's been a difficult decision, but our doctor suggested it at her last checkup, and it suddenly feels like the right time for us—we're exhausted with the up 3-4 times a night stuff, we can't comfortably co-sleep, and we have hit a phase where nothing seems to make her happy when she wakes up at night, including nursing. Last night she had a hard time going down (the time change kind of messed up her nap schedule) but then when she woke up in the middle of the night DP just went and soothed her instead of bringing her to nurse and she went back to sleep until morning. I'm hoping that we can keep it up. I'm also planning her first birthday party—have any of you got birthday traditions that you try to keep every year for your kids? Other than picking a box of whatever sugar-bomb cereal we wanted, my family didn't really have any, but I'd love ideas for starting some!

[carmen358]

Thanks, everyone. I think part of it is that I'm emotionally spent and I get more anxious when I'm overtired. We go for th anatomy scan in just over 2 weeks...I'll be 21 weeks then. Yes, I am feeling lots of movement but I analyze the hell out of it and somehow talk myself into believing it's not enough or it's too low still and other irrational things. Your words of encouragement help and I'll just keep truckin' along. I have a midwife appt the day before the u/s so at least I can hopefully hear the heartbeat before going into the scan.

[seraf]

Isa, hopefully nightweaning is a smooth non-event.

Carmen, hugs again. I was in nursing school all through my second pregnancy and had terrible anxiety, to the point where looking back medication would have really improved my quality of life. I was usually able to calm myself about the pregnancy related stuff (well, until I fell. I thought A had brain damage from the fall until she was a year old) most of the time by touching the baby under the bump and telling her my hopes for her. I'm glad you're able to talk about it on some at least some level with other adults. Hugs again.

[outdoorsy]

Carmen, my baby's movements seemed very low, too! I am just starting to notice a few higher movements, and I'm at 24 weeks.

[carmen358]

Eep, seraf. I feel like the anxiety I'm feeling is quite manageable still at this point. I do try and so something similar to what you suggested....I try and lay or sit still and really emotionally connect with the baby. That seems to help...thanks for the reminder to keep doing it more often.

Thanks, outdoorsy, I don't remember where I felt movement early on with DD so it's nice to hear your experience!

In other news, I leave for Japan in 3 1/2 weeks! I'll be gone for 10 days. DD was telling DP on Sunday night that she's going to miss me a lot....any tips on how we should work the airport goodbyes? DP thinks they should just drop me off and not come in...I sort of agree.

[darthtunaqueen]

Threadcrashing: when I drop DW off at the airport when she goes to see her dad, I don't come in, I just swing through International Departures and let her out of the car.  It also helps that she's usually flying at 6am, so we're there at 4:30 in the morning and I just want to go back to bed!!  :)

[pokeyAC]

Thanks everyone for making me feel like I am not crazy.  That daycare is way too expensive!  It's hard because we live in such an expensive area, and I don't really make all that much money.  I have debt I am still paying off from years in lower-paying jobs, but I don't want to have to explain my financial situation to others.  I'm in much better shape than I was, but we can't go into debt to pay for daycare.  I'm sure it's lovely, but there are lovely places that cost half as much.  I have referrals from the local referral agency and recommendations from the local parenting board that I have combined.  I just need to start contacting them.  Several are around $1100.  That is more doable.  My company has a daycare spending account I can use where they take the $ out of my paycheck pre-tax so I would save some money.   But I just looked at it and it seems the max is $5000 per year.  Hmm.  I assume you would have to use a licensed daycare or a nanny who is paying taxes to be able to use this since it is an IRS thing.  More research to do...

[KnittingTigers]

Originally Posted by pokeyAC 

Thanks everyone for making me feel like I am not crazy.  That daycare is way too expensive!  It's hard because we live in such an expensive area, and I don't really make all that much money.  I have debt I am still paying off from years in lower-paying jobs, but I don't want to have to explain my financial situation to others.  I'm in much better shape than I was, but we can't go into debt to pay for daycare.  I'm sure it's lovely, but there are lovely places that cost half as much.  I have referrals from the local referral agency and recommendations from the local parenting board that I have combined.  I just need to start contacting them.  Several are around $1100.  That is more doable.  My company has a daycare spending account I can use where they take the $ out of my paycheck pre-tax so I would save some money.   But I just looked at it and it seems the max is $5000 per year.  Hmm.  I assume you would have to use a licensed daycare or a nanny who is paying taxes to be able to use this since it is an IRS thing.  More research to do...

Yup, $5,000 is the max you put in your FSA each year. Definitely do it, though be warned, only the person who will claim the child as a dependent for tax purposes can take out an FSA for the child's daycare. So, if you're going to claim the baby, by all means take out an FSA. However, if it makes more sense for your wife to claim the child, then your wife needs to be the one to take out the FSA (if she has that option at her workplace). Even same-sex marriages that are recognized at a state level are not recognized for federal purposes (sorry, I know we all know this, just want to make sure I'm being clear), so even if you've done your second parent adoption, etc., only one of you is going to be able to claim the child as a deduction. It totally sucks. Everyone's tax situation is different, but figuring out ahead of time who will take the deduction will allow you to figure out who should take out the FSA, etc. We got burned really badly on this one year, when DP took out an FSA for DD's daycare, and we realized too late that I should have done it, since I made more money, and would have benefited more from the tax break.

Even for couples who are straight married, only one of you can take out an FSA- the $5,000 is a per-family limit (which is, of course, way too low!).

And yes, in order to get reimbursed from your FSA, you will need to provide a tax-id number for your childcare provider, so your daycare must be licensed, or your nanny must be willing to report the taxes.

[starling&diesel]

Lise, that is all kinds of terrifying.  I'm glad to hear that everything is somewhat settled for now.

Carmen!  I hope S is feeling better?  How SCARY!  Glad that you're feeling the baby move, and I can't wait until you get some lovely pictures of that lovely wee babe.

Amanda ... Good luck on the night weaning!  I'm sending you fortifying and sympathetic thoughts.  We were at a point where H wasn't nursing from 12-5am (a la Jay Gordon), and was doing great until he started worked on several big teeth at once AND we went on holiday for a couple of weeks.  He's back to nursing even MORE during the night now.  Sigh.  Will have to restart the whole process again.  Hope you have better results, mama!

Pokey ... TOO EXPENSIVE!  Unless you are loaded, in which case, go for it!  

Originally Posted by carmen358 

Afm: I've had such a hard week. DD was admitted into Children's hospital last Sunday for pneumonia and RSV (and her first ear infection). We were there for 6 long days and it was pretty scary for the first little while. She seems pretty much back to 100% now though and we had a fairly "normal" weekend. I was staying at the hospital every night as my DP was sick too...and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep at home anyway. I am pretty run down and even more behind on sleep.

Listing our place has been pushed a week or so because we lost so much time last week...but we are slowly getting things over to the house and I feel pretty good about the progress we've made.

Baby seems to be doing well. I had a couple of what I'm thinking were braxton hicks when I was in the hospital....a bit freaky this early! I'm also starting to struggle more with anxiety around the baby not making it or being born unhealthy which is really tough.

Originally Posted by AmandaHope 

Lise: So scary!  I am hugely relieved that you are home and that your OB figured out that there was a false alarm.  Good reason to insist on repeat testing whenever there is something funny going on. Whew! Sorry about the PUPPS, though. UGH. I can understand your feeling like you're in limbo land. As hard as it is to stay there for another month, I hope you do.  Is there anything any of us can do to help you through this a bit?  

Isa: Glad you got a good night's rest!

Carmen: SO GLAD that you are both home and safe. I've been glad to follow on FB and that all turned out ok. 

Planet: SWEET pics, and happy birthday!

Bigfoot: Exciting about the support for lactation induction.  With two babes, I bet that whatever milk you have to offer will be hugely appreciated by everyone involved.  What a gift!

I feel like everyone has covered the baby necessities and desirables pretty well.  

AFU: Tonight is night 4 of night weaning (according to Dr. Jay Gordon's plan here and using this lovely book for Lilah).  Night 1 was rough (3 hours up and alternating between screaming, fussing, cuddling, and playing), but night 2 was better, and last night was great. Tonight, though, is the big one: the first night with no nursing at all between 11pm-6am.  I'm trying to stay positive and to see it as an opportunity for her to gain some competence and autonomy and for us to allow her some room to grow and express her feelings about the changes she's facing as she transitions from infancy to toddlerhood.  I mostly believe all of that, but I also feel scared and guilty to a lesser extent. Her success last night (crying for 10 seconds and then going right back to sleep after I told her that the "milkies are sleeping") leads me to believe that she can do it, so off we go!  Thoughts of strength and sleep are most appreciated! 

[pokeyAC]

Thanks for the info, Tigers!  That is very important.  I was planning on having DW take the deduction since she makes more than I do, and will especially this  year as I will not be working for part of it.  I don't think her company offers the FSA for daycare.  They are a lot smaller than my company and a non-profit.  But if she takes the decution, she could also deduct child care expenses after the year is over.  Do you know if it makes a difference who puts the baby on her insurance?  We were planning on using whichever employer has the lowest charge to add a dependent because we both have the same type of insurance.  The premiums would come out pre-tax also.  Do those have to match?

ETA: DW just called.  She talked to someone in HR, like I suggested a while ago, and they told her she can get some pay for 6 weeks of leave when the baby is born.  I don't know how that works, but it sounds awesome.  She also got a tip on daycare at Bright Horizons that might help us.  Plus, they do have an FSA for daycare!  So we might be able to do everything through her employer.

[KnittingTigers]

Pokey, great news! No, it doesn't matter who's carrying the insurance- doesn't need to match. They are all different, but we were very happy with our old Bright Horizons.

[easttowest]

Pokey - She can get 55% pay (based on her highest pay in the last 18 months) through CA Paid Family Leave.  It's through the same program as disability, so she must pay into state disability (I don't, even though I work for the state - how much sense does that make?).  She also doesn't have to take six weeks all at once, she can take a day a week for almost a year!  She'll just have to apply once the baby is born.  Here's the info:

http://www.edd.ca.gov/disability/Paid_Family_Leave.htm

Good luck!  

[planet]

Carmen, sorry to hear about the anxiety.  You have been through so much, and it makes sense that you would have these feelings coming up.  Glad you are taking good care of yourself and will hear the heartbeat soon.  Hugs to you!

PrettyIsa & Amanda, good luck with the night weaning.  Sounds tricky!  I am thinking of you!!!

Pokey, wow!  Glad you are getting good advice here and finding more affordable options.  You are totally on top of things!  We are still figuring out what W's childcare will be next fall, which I know will be here before we know it!  It's complicated because the daycare we want doesn't accept kids til they are at least 18 months.  Wylie will be 12 months when we need the care, so we'll need to figure something out until then.

KnittingTigers, are there other reasons why it would be better for one parent to claim the kid as the dependent as opposed to the other?  We don't have the FSA, but this will be our first time filing taxes with a babe.  Should the person who makes more $ claim the babe, or does it not matter if there's no FSA?  Sorry, I am truly ignorant about this topic.  Also, how are you feeling these days?

One of my students is doing a big research project on unequal maternity leaves around the world.  I am really proud of her for tackling such an important (and huge) issue!  She was showing me a graph of the amounts of paid and unpaid leave around the world, and it reminded me again how the US reallly needs to get their poop in a group.  I thought of you guys.

Wylie is a rambunctious nurser and sleeper.  He pinches my boobs, unless I hold his hand, which I have to do really forcefully or he'll just pull it out of my grip and pinch again.  It's quite involved and painful.  He kicks and hits, too.  At night he mostly sleeps peacefully, but goes through periods of wrestling in his sleep.  He kicks his legs and thrashes his head back and forth.  His eyes are still closed and he doesn't cry, he just thrashes dramatically in his sleep.  Someone please tell me these things are normal?

[seraf]

Planet, totally normal. Nursing necklaces were invented for a reason. They go through phases where they pinch, poke and prod. 6 months is a big smacking time. Lol, we have a 6 month gap between our boys, so Shay constantly tried to do those things to Soren. No fun. Distraction is your friend. I also hold the hand and move it around so he doesn't feel restrained. Like I'll kiss it, then tap it on my nose, cheek, ear, pretend like it's a telephone, tap it on his different parts, tap different parts with different rhythms, pretty muh anything so he doesn't realize that I'm restraining him. The hitting and pinging stages come and go. What's currently in one where he picks up any random object and slams whoever happens to be nearby. Something to look forward to! The sleep thing, also normal. They roll, thrash, sit up, body slam, get in new skill position, yell, practice sounds and words, cry. I assume they're dreaming and talking in their sleep, ther words are just different.

[bigfoot]

Drive by posting while I'm making dinner (mmm, Indian food)... we got our MaterniT21 results today. Both babies are healthy and we have Y chromosomes! So, at least one boy!

[easttowest]

Planet, you will want the person with the higher tax liability to claim your son, which is generally going to be the one with the higher income unless the other person has some major deductions. And don't forget about the child care tax credit! It's 20-35% of the cost of child care, up to $3,000 right back in your pocket!

Bigfoot, congrats on the healthy babies! And at least one more boy to add to the growing pile of them around here!

AFU, 26 weeks and the third trimester is just around the corner... (Today she officially lost her belly button.)

[bigfoot]

Erin - I am super impressed you have six names picked out for each sex. I wonder if you will both just know which name to use when the time comes. That sounds awesome.

Amanda - good luck on the night weaning! 

Pokey - fingers crossed for the GTT! Our OB already said DW will probably have to take it twice. Blech. 

Isa - good luck on your night weaning, as well! How exciting to plan a birthday! For birthdays I make homemade cinnamon rolls - not very exciting for a one year-old. I love the idea of homemade gifts every year. For the teenager's very first birthday I built a sandbox with benches all the way around and storage for toys. I hope we can even get the twins making homemade gifts for each other someday.

Carmen - I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety. We have a lot of that going on here, rather unexpectedly and have been trying to figure out how to deal with it. DW's seems to be pregnancy induced, and I don't know what my deal is... mine isn't very bad or very often, luckily. Anxiety is no fun.

E2W - omg, RIP belly button! Haha. 

So, I thought last year we were supposed to file as domestic partners on taxes. We didn't do it because I didn't want to bother with the headache, but I was under the impression we were supposed to... but all this tax talk is leading me to believe there is no benefit to filing together? Arrrgh. My head hurts just thinking about it.

[esenbee2]

Another thing to throw into the loop is the Supreme Court ruling expected in June on DOMA.  If they rule on whether same-sex married couples have the right to federal benefits, we could be able to file as married, filing jointly.  We could also amend our tax returns up to 3 years ago.  This might be beneficial to some, might not be, just something to work out with your tax preparer to find out either way.