Queer, Pregnant, and Parenting--February and March 2013! - Page 21

[starling&diesel]

Bigfoot ... DP named our first right after she was born and was being resuscitated while I was bleeding heavily and struggling to deliver the placenta.  Thank goodness she picked the top name off our list of three.  I can't even remember what the other two were.  I joke that she took advantage of the situation to parachute her favourite name into the winning slot.  

With our second child, DP suggested that I be the one to decide from our top three.  Sounded like a great idea! It took five weeks.  Then we got a notice from the government saying that we had to name our baby or we would be charged a fine.  I just could NOT come to terms with making a decision, so DP ultimately named our son too.  

Bigfoot ... YAY for healthy babies!

Planet, that is AWESOME about your student.  Tell her she rocks, from me.  

Planet ... Totally normal.  H kicks and thrashes for a spell at least once a night.  As for the boob pinching, etc.  Is it the same boob that he's nursing?  If so, hold his hand like Seraf said and make it a fun thing.  Or get a necklace if you think he'd like that.  A friend of mine had one that was a silver ball that was a kind of bell too.  Her little one loved it.  My kids have always gone for the other boob.  With my first, I thought it was cute and endearing, and so I let her pat and play with the other one.  What a mistake.  Because it quickly becomes not cute or endearing AT ALL.  It become aggravating and annoying.  Especially if you plan to nurse for a while.  It was so irritating to have a two- then three-year-old do that.  With my second, I never let it start. I never let him have access to the other boob.  Even at night, I fold my arm across the other one so that he can't touch it.  He seems satisfied with patting the one he does have, which is far preferable to me. 

[prettyisa]

Bigfoot--Congrats on two healthy babes! And at least one little boy! How funny to kind of but not quite know what you're going to get--it seems to be a fitting end to the conversation about sex v. gender. Even when you sort of know, you still don't, really. Sandbox is such a great idea! She loved the sand at the beach this last time we went. I just need to figure out where to put it in our yard. There's a spot that is going to be perfect for the playhouse I want to build her someday, but I don't know where a sand spot would be. My friend just sent me a lot of info on hugelkultur, so I'm going to build a little earthwork near the back of our yard to give the playhouse some privacy. Maybe a sandbox front yard? Hmm...I guess it'd be a late present anyway, since it's still freezing here, but one to get started on, for sure!

Starling--I would have killed DP if she'd picked a name while I was still getting cleaned up from delivery. Luckily we had mostly agreed beforehand and neither of us saw a reason for a last-minute change. It still seems funny to have chosen someone else's name, though, if I think about it too hard.

Planet--So normal! Edie has decided that it's fun to poke my nose. It's my fault for honking when she started doing it,a nd now it's funny. The only problem is that when I poke her back she starts laughing and forgets to keep nursing. I'm sorry about hte hard pinching, though. Have you tried telling him no when he starts? He might surprise you and stop!

AFM--things are going well. Edie seems to wake up a lot more (or we notice it more) but other than a diaper that needed to be changed last night she usually makes one noise and then settles herself back down immediately.

[carmen358]

Thanks for the input, darth. I'm definitely leaning towards just being dropped off but I worry that DD will want to see where I'm going, etc. She's a pretty observant, detail oriented kid and it may bother her to not feel like she has "all the information". I think my flight is in the afternoon.

pokey: Yikes re: the daycare cost. Daycare is expensive here too. Is there any chance you can do a part time day care situation? My DP and I did some creative schedule juggling and when DD turned 2 she started 2 days of daycare...so far we've been able to sustain it and it's been a really nice balance. Good luck finding a situation that works for your family.

starling: Yes, S is feeling MUCH better. Pretty much back to her old self except for weird sleeping times which has also been enhanced by the time change. 

planet: DD thrashed around in her sleep lots too - we just got used to it. Luckily she never pinched, etc my breasts while nursing. A friend's son (who nursed until around 4) was an incessant "other boob" pincher - she let him do it early on and much like starling described she really started to HATE it and had to be militant to stop it...not fun.

Congrats on the healthy babies, bigfoot! Were you hoping for boys or one of each or?

Afm: I have more complaining to do lol My uterus is at my belly button now and my umbilical hernia is KILLING me some days....sometimes I can't even stand to have a blanket touch it at night it's so painful. A couple more weeks and I'm hoping my uterus by-passes it altogether and things will settle down.

[mrsandmrs]

isa, I love the idea of the playhouse with a "beachy" sandbox yard and a  hugelkultur for a garden. that sounds awesome. 

starling - - re: names. I kind of wish that bigfoot would just name all of the babies. I feel like whenever i am responsible for naming something (like, for example, cats) i often get name regret afterwards. it is easier for me to have input and veto power but not feel like The Decider. plus, she has extremely good taste in names, so there's a high likelihood I would just love whatever she picks outright. it's such a process of deliberation and compromise. i hope we come up with a top 3-5 list in the next, oh, five months. 

carmen - that sounds so uncomfortable. i hope it passes sooner rather than later! 

[pokeyAC]

bigfoot and mrs--Yeah on healthy babies!  That's kind of a funny situation to know there is a boy in there but not how many.  You still have a mystery and a coming surprise, but it's a little different.  Good luck on picking names!  That is hard.  We only have 1 boy name that we truly agree on.  I have rejected everything DW suggested, and she doesn't like my ideas either.  We did come up with 2 the other day we kind of agreed on, but I think we'll stick with what we have.

planet-Sorry about the pinching and thrashing.  That does not sound fun.  It must be hard to sleep with the little outbursts.  I'm glad you brought up the pinching and that everyone had some suggestions. I have added a nursing necklace to my registry.  It's silicone so it can be chewed on too.

e2w-Thanks for the info!  I don't know how I totally missed that leave thing.  I was wrong.  I'm so glad I was wrong.  I'm sorry you don't get it.  That doesn't make any sense.  The child care tax credit sounds good too. 

Bye bye belly button!  What a fun milestone to reach.

s&b-I did not know about the filing amended returns for the last 3 years.  Sounds like a job for a professional, but it could get us some money back.  The Supreme Court is also ruling on Prop 8 this year.  If it works out in our favor, we will be married in CA too.  I hope DOMA goes in our favor too because it sounds like it would be much, much easier to file taxes if state and federal match.  Since we are not technically married in CA, we file as single, but the folks who are same-sex married basically have to do their return 3 times to get the right info because CA is a community property state and the federal government makes same-sex married couples in community property states file their taxes in a special way that is really confusing.  TurboTax isn't set up to handle the situation.  It's a huge PITA for my friends.

[cordelia15]

pokey. . that is crazy about day care but I am familiar with the insanity of people around you thinking things are normal. . we are in a very expensive part of the city and live here only bc we got an insane connection on our apt. . that said, we feel like the poorest people in the hood which is funny bc other places in the country we would be doing fine but here we burn through most of our paychecks. . there is one pre-k near us that is 19,000 a year and that is for a few hours a day. . INSANE!!!  

bigfoot. . and mrsmrs.  funny for the Y chromosomes but not knowing if it's one or two. .no matter what congrats and glad test results are good! 

planet.  my son is a crazy sleeper too, to the point that we gave up on co-sleeping, just got to the point that no one was sleeping and we were all miserable.  he still comes in with us if he is having a rough night but too hard otherwise!  

e2W . how is DW doing aside from losing the belly button?  

carmen.  have fun on your trip.  no advice on airport good byes though. . ALL my movement was just above my pubic bone until about two weeks ago. . still she doesn't move nearly as much as DS did so I am constantly worried something has gone wrong. . I am so not a fretter in real life but being pregnant and being a mom has turned me into a disasterist. . 

[Sphinxy]

ok, a first time mama is freaked out and curious - what do you all mean about "losing" your belly button?!?!

[seraf]

Sphinxy, with enough baby behind it, your belly button can go from innie to flat.

About low movement, I seem to remember thinking that I felt low movement because the skin is thinner there, there's no fat pad there.

Also, what Starling said, no access to the other boob. It's a very annoying habit. Only my first did it because I learned that lesson. My theory on that one was that its an attempt to get more milk to come in.

Isa, good luck on nightweaning and birthday. For Shay's birthday we walked down to where he was born.

[esenbee2]

pokey -yes, definitely a job for a professional!  We have put a note page on our taxes for the past 3 years that states that we are only filing single because of DOMA, otherwise would be filing married filing jointly.  I have ran preliminary numbers myself and it looks like we would actually owe about $200 for 1 year if we did an amended return, BUT we would get the extra taxes we paid on for DSp's employer's part of mine and DD's healthcare costs, which is about $3,120 for 1 year.  So if everything works out, that would be quite a reason to amend our returns!

[esenbee2]

sphinxy -your belly button can go from an innie to flat.  It also can go from an an innie to an outtie.  Have you seen the movie Juno?  There's a joke in there about "coming in on the 'snooze button'," where her belly button is starting to poke out.  With DD, I pretty much stayed an innie, but it definitely got shallower.

[cordelia15]

Originally Posted by Sphinxy 

ok, a first time mama is freaked out and curious - what do you all mean about "losing" your belly button?!?!

at some point a lot of people's bellys become so big that an "innie button" either becomes flushed or pushed out from the stomach.  Mine def became and outie during the last pregnancy and is on it's way now. . 

[pokeyAC]

cordelia-So true!  If we made this money back home, we would be living the high life!  I need to work on not comparing our life to those in different circumstances. We are very happy where we are.  It just gets hard when people suggest we buy a house or send our child to a daycare we can't afford.  We have to gently say that we can't afford those things.

A lot of people around here send their kids to private schools bc the public ones are bad unless you live in one of the small towns with their own school system.  There is one within walking distance of us but they have few rentals and everything is very expensive.  We don't have a million dollars to buy a house but I would almost live in a shed if we could send our kids to that school.  Almost.

[erinTNgirl]

Thanks everyone for the advice!! Very helpful!

seraf- Ha! Just say no to meaty cribs! I actually meant vegan in general, such as lanolin is made from sheep's oil, so I would have to use like olive oil or my own breastmilk. What is a milk saver? They actually told us at BRU that we under-registered! We had 96 items on the list!!

prettyisa- Sleep sacks? Is that the thing with the legs in the sleeping bag thing and the arms are free? Definitely will be trying to do cloth diapers if I have the patience, but we did register for newborn swaddlers for backup. I'm not a fan of Johnson & Johnson products because they test on animals. I think we will go with Arbonne products. I actually put hydrogel breast pads on my list but who knows if I will even use those. I can always return or regift what is not vegan.

carmen- Great list! I got tons of washcloths for the baby to play with! And movement is a great feeling, but I understand your anxiety. 21 weeks!!!

sterling- I have never heard of the Stokke chair. I'll have to research it! Sling recommendations?

bigfoot- Yay for one boy at least but most importantly two healthy babies!! I hope on the name thing, we will just see the baby and know what name to give, but then again, who really knows??

easttowest- I still have my belly button but barely! My pre-belly button was strange anyway I think.

mrsandmrs- I would go crazy if my DP named the baby all by herself!! I'm too controlling and an Aries never gives in!

pokey- I'm so excited about the Supreme Court rulings in June. I just wish they were taking place sooner for adoption purposes here in Oklahoma!

Sorry if I missed anyone...just got back from Tulsa for a Tegan and Sara concert! They were great!!! I am sure the baby loved it, too!

[pokeyAC]

erin-I'm not 100% sure but I think you can use coconut oil instead of lanolin.  It would be less messy than olive oil and you would smell great!  I also have a suggestion for a vegan breast chiller.  Get a few bags of frozen peas and put the corners together with a rubber band so the bags fan out like a flower.  It's good for icing and it covers the whole breast.  I hope you get the stuff you need for the baby.  96 sounds like a good amount of stuff to me.  Glad you had fun at the concert!

[AmandaHope]

Originally Posted by erinTNgirl 

Thanks everyone for the advice!! Very helpful!

seraf- Ha! Just say no to meaty cribs! I actually meant vegan in general, such as lanolin is made from sheep's oil, so I would have to use like olive oil or my own breastmilk. What is a milk saver? They actually told us at BRU that we under-registered! We had 96 items on the list!!

prettyisa- Sleep sacks? Is that the thing with the legs in the sleeping bag thing and the arms are free? Definitely will be trying to do cloth diapers if I have the patience, but we did register for newborn swaddlers for backup. I'm not a fan of Johnson & Johnson products because they test on animals. I think we will go with Arbonne products. I actually put hydrogel breast pads on my list but who knows if I will even use those. I can always return or regift what is not vegan.

carmen- Great list! I got tons of washcloths for the baby to play with! And movement is a great feeling, but I understand your anxiety. 21 weeks!!!

sterling- I have never heard of the Stokke chair. I'll have to research it! Sling recommendations?

bigfoot- Yay for one boy at least but most importantly two healthy babies!! I hope on the name thing, we will just see the baby and know what name to give, but then again, who really knows??

easttowest- I still have my belly button but barely! My pre-belly button was strange anyway I think.

mrsandmrs- I would go crazy if my DP named the baby all by herself!! I'm too controlling and an Aries never gives in!

pokey- I'm so excited about the Supreme Court rulings in June. I just wish they were taking place sooner for adoption purposes here in Oklahoma!

Sorry if I missed anyone...just got back from Tulsa for a Tegan and Sara concert! They were great!!! I am sure the baby loved it, too!

Sling recommendations: my very favorite for the newborn and early infancy phases is the Moby wrap (or other stretchy wraps--I think Boba has one now); second on the list is a ring sling (preferably a wrap conversion ring sling, but that's getting unnecessarily fancy--just don't get a padded one, which can be hard to slide through the rings).  Third on the list would be a soft structured carrier, such as an Ergo, Boba, or (my personal favorite) a Kanga (though Kangas are harder to find-- look here).    Awesome that you got to a T&S concert! 

MrsMrs/Bigfoot: congrats on the healthy babies!!

Hi to everyone else.

AFU: Night weaning is...going.  Night four was a nightmare, but that was probably predictable. Last night (5) was a little better.  I do think we are making good progress, but this is NOT for the faint of heart.  UGH.  Ok--home to snuggle with my little one!

[granite]

LOL, sphinxy, I too was wondering where exactly e2w's DP's belly button had gone... Thanks for clarifying, esenbee!

Congrats on healthy babies, bigfoot and mrsandmrs!

Pokey, your looking at the cost of daycare reminded me to look into what the deal is at the local university, where DP works: There's an excellent child care centre for staff and students, and it'd be handy for us to have DP so close by. However! It's $1200/month for a kid under 18 months, which would therefore negate a big portion of my paycheque... And on top of that, the waitlist is minimum 2 years! Apparently we can get on the list already, since we're pregnant, but it still seems pretty crazy... We'll likely have a friend with babies do child care at her home instead.

All this talk of taxes got me thinking about what we had to pay OOP for TTC this past year... Any Canadians here know if we can submit receipts for sperm, IUI, etc. as medical expenses?

Regarding the baby-naming... My DP's given name at birth was extremely feminine, and it was difficult for her growing up, as she has always been very masculine. Any situation that involved revealing her name was stressful, because people thought she was a boy up until they heard it. She changed it shortly after reaching adulthood, and her family still has a hard time with it; her mother in particular was hurt by her choice, as the birth name was one she's selected as teen dreaming of her future daughter. Of course, back then she had no idea that this daughter would end up a bit more like a son! Anyway, this is the main reason for which we are choosing only gender-neutral names. My sisters and I all have gender-neutral names, and have found it to be pretty great... Yes, people sometimes are surprised, but it's never been a major issue. DP and I have a list of about 8 names at the moment, and it's been so much fun!

Wow, there sure are a lot of us here who are in the Pacific Northwest... Anyone ever tried a meet-up? It's tricky with a border in the way, I know, but would still be really neat if we could make it work!

I'm trucking along in week 6, nauseous and bloated and tired. So fun! Not really, but still so stoked this is happening.

[carmen358]

Originally Posted by cordelia15 

carmen.  have fun on your trip.  no advice on airport good byes though. . ALL my movement was just above my pubic bone until about two weeks ago. . still she doesn't move nearly as much as DS did so I am constantly worried something has gone wrong. . I am so not a fretter in real life but being pregnant and being a mom has turned me into a disasterist. . 

This is me exactly...the only time I truly experienced anxiety before having DD was right after my mom died. Now I seem to experience it quite regularly lol

Originally Posted by granite 

Wow, there sure are a lot of us here who are in the Pacific Northwest... Anyone ever tried a meet-up? It's tricky with a border in the way, I know, but would still be really neat if we could make it work!

I'm trucking along in week 6, nauseous and bloated and tired. So fun! Not really, but still so stoked this is happening.

Yay for nauseous bloated and tired :) I've met starling and darth met my DP in the starbucks line at Children's hospital last week lol I forgot to mention that!! She said you were very nice, darth :) I'd be up for a meet up...maybe in Bellingham??

[bigfoot]

Starling - I love your naming stories. It really is hard to finalize such a big decision. I feel like I am putting a lot of pressure on us to come up with perfect names and then the twins kick it up a notch. They should go together but not be too matchy. Ack!

Isa - gardening with the next kiddos is one of the things I look forward to most! And I am hoping they will get a kick out of our chickens and collecting eggs. If you do make a sandbox, think about a lid because neighborhood cats will think it is an excellent litterbox!

Carmen - we were kind of hoping for one of each. I hate the idea of having gender disappointment, but it would be nice to have a girl. Now that we know there is a boy, I am starting to feel guilty saying it.

Erin - I can't believe that is under registering! How fun to be baby prepping, though. That should be a reality show.

Granite - I love the idea of a PACNW meet up. We are in Oly, so we make it to Portland and Seattle frequently. And even sometimes to Vancouver and Victoria! Congrats on 6 weeks. Yay!

Thanks everyone for the congrats on healthy babes. We told the teenager he is going to have a brother. I was fully prepared for him not to care at all, but even his cold teenager heart couldn't prevent him from grinning. And we got an enthusiastic, "cool!" So, that was pretty great.

[carmen358]

Originally Posted by bigfoot 

Carmen - we were kind of hoping for one of each. I hate the idea of having gender disappointment, but it would be nice to have a girl. Now that we know there is a boy, I am starting to feel guilty saying it.

I can understand that. I'm sure any guilt you feel will go away immediately even if you have 2 boys :) And twin brothers would be awesome...I know a few twin brother sets and they are so close to each other....it's cool to see :)

[Sphinxy]

mrs&mrs and bigfoot - SO happy for you on the health of your little ones! 

OMG, thank you all for explaining the belly button thing! E2w, I was sitting here picturing that your DW's had fallen off!  Clearly I'm new at this. So, it goes back in after birth, right? Lol...

Granite - I'm really glad to hear your thoughts on baby names. DW and I have had two "boy" names and two "girl" names picked out for a while now, and while we both agree on our favorites for the first kid, we figured we would wait to meet them to be sure. I always just assumed that we would be very open and cool with any nicknames or name changing if our child wasn't cis-gendered or started to express discomfort with their name. But you've really given me a lot to think about when it comes to gender neutral names. 

Just a note of solidarity for everyone complaining about our tax situations. We're legally married in MA for 7 years but currently living in a state (NJ) that recognizes it as a domestic partnership for the last two years - it puts us in what I like to call the "Turbo Tax Discrimination Error Loop from Hell". We have to do two sets of state returns because I still get out-of-state income from MA, so when we get to the MA return, TT tells us "MA does not recognize your NJ domestic partnership", and I wind up screaming "But I'm MARRIED!" at the computer until DW can talk me down. All these years of frustration and overpaying makes me absolutely mental. And to think marriage had been happening in MA for a few years already even before we got hitched, I can't believe some couples have been dealing with this tax return crap for almost 10 years now. Thankfully all the states making strides in equality lately have brought more attention to this issue. Ok, must stop talking about it or else I will spend the rest of my day feeling like this 

 to everyone else! Wishing you a happy and healthy day!