Sometimes I want to run away....

[Nightowl81]

Hello, I'm new here and I thought maybe someone could give me some advice.

I had been with Jay(fiance) eight months when I found out I was pregnent. I was scared that he would leave but it turned out he was very excited and happy.

I never got to buy baby things because they were all given to us. I went into the hospital at 34 weeks because I was 3cm dialated. They let me go home after a few days if I promised to stay on bed rest. At 39 weeks my daugter Moira was born. We were in the hospital for 5 days because of breastfeeding trouble.

The day Moira was born our landlord told us that we had to move to a bottom apartment. Jay struggled to move the esentials to the new apartment, and visit us in the hospital.

At 3 weeks old, Jay went back to work and I was left with a baby that ate all the time (every 15 min) and wouldn't sleep.

I was paranoid that Jay would leave me because I wasn't any good to him either as a wife or mother to Moira. He reasured me that he wouldn't leave.
Things have gotten worse.

It's like every little thing bugs me. I feel like a failure because Moira had started supplement feedings of formula at 4 months, she is now completley formula fed. I get upset with Jay all the time, we fight over stupid things. He has changed since I was pregnent.

Our apartment is not baby safe. Jay won't clean up and the mess is his stuff. There are dirty dishes everywhere. I have no one to help me and I am alone all day. Moira has screaming fits during the day, she's teething, and crawling and yesterday took steps! She fights sleep all the time and usually ends up crying herself to sleep (after 10-15 min). I hate hearing her cry, but nothing else works, not even holding her.
She hates sleep.

The latest issues have been about him spending money on Star Trek cards and "forgetting" to pay the bills.(I havent's talked to him about this yet, I need to be in a better frame of mind) We are in a lot of debt because of it. Any money that I have had has gone to grocceries or baby things. I don't remember the last time I bought something for myself.

Jay has a lot of girly pictures on the computer and dosen't understand that it hurts to see them. I feel like he dosen't need me. They are all so thin and big breasted and he thinks they look good, he's said so yet he tells me that he loves me then downloads more.

Am I missing something? He wants to spend time with me and last night after I fed Moira and got her in bed, he told me he was disapointed we didn't get to spend time together. Well we have a child! What am I supposed to do! My mon tells me that she managed to do dishes and clean when we were little. I slept a lot and spent most of my day in a play pen. It's no wonder I'm not close to my mom.

I want to know what to do. How can I get help with the appartment mess? How can I ask Jay again for help?
Its like everyone wants a piece of me but no one is willing to help me. I have talked to my doctor and have been told that yes this is PPD. Moira is 8.5 months old and I have been going through this since she was 4 weeks old.


I try to think posative but its hard. My relationship with Jay is not the greatest. I want to work things out but it seems like I'm the only one trying. I'm thinking about counselling.

Sorry for the long messag and spelling mistakes, it does feel good to get it written down.

[VikingKvinna]

Oh, you poor thing.

PPD aside, it does sound like you have some problems that need to be addressed. First of all, if Jay is willing, counseling would be a great idea. If you look around, you can find counselors who will let you bring Moira, if childcare is an issue for you guys. I'm no professional but it does seem as though he's having some troubles dealing with all the changes and new responsibility in his life--refusing to do "adult" things like pick up after himself and pay bills might be his way of rebelling against the confinements of this new lifestyle.

It also sounds like you are having trouble talking to him about the things that are bothering you, which IMO can only lead to worse problems. You'll get resentful or angry or sadder, he'll pull away even more, and so on and so on (Ask me how I know : ). So right away you need to talk to him openly about this stuff. Might be a good idea to preface the therapy-discussion with it. Tell him you need help, and that you'd like to spend more time together too, but that you can't devote energy to him when all your time and energy are taken up with childcare and housework (ie, picking up after him). Do you feel as though you are dependent on him, financially or otherwise--even emotionally? Sounds like you're pretty insecure about his attraction to you, and your value in the relationship. That's something that you might discuss with or without a counselor, too.

Then there's the issue of your own sanity, and Moira's safety, Jay aside. I think you need to address the sleep problem, first and foremost -- sleep deprivation can wreak havoc on a person's well being and therefore on every other aspect of their life. Get a copy of "No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley, or Dr. Jay Gordon's sleep book, if you're interested in another solution besides letting Moira cry it out. Oh, and BABY-PROOF THAT APARTMENT, girl! Now that your little one is walking, it's essential! That might be a way, come to think of it, to get Jay to help out a bit: "Now that Moira's walking, we need to set aside a day this weekend to baby-proof around here." and get everything cleaned up at the same time. Even if he won't or doesn't help, you need to do it. I know, it sucks to be the sole person responsible for this stuff, but it's your baby's safety, so you have to.

How about friends -- you say you're estranged from your mom (and BTW, don't let her make you feel like a bad or deficient mother just because Moira isn't sleeping. Moira is her own person, and you are a different mother than your mom was. You can do what you can do, and no more, you dig?) but have you any close friends nearby who can help out, either by taking the baby for an hour or so to give you some Me Time, or just by listening to you? If not (or even if so) it might be a good idea to try to connect locally with some other mothers of young kids. They'll be able to listen and empathize and give you practical advice and companionship.

OK, sweetie, I gotta run now but I hope some of this makes sense and helps. I also hope you'll feel free to PM me if you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to.

~nick

[layla]

(((hugs))) to you new mama. Maybe you do have post partum or maybe you just need help. Maybe you could find a sliding scale therapist for you and Jay. Start by telling him that you thought you were in this together and you have to work as a team for eveyone to be happy, not just him. I question your security in the relationship as you were scared he would leave because you were pg. Therapy might really help and if he fights you on it, tell him too bad, you need it. If the nudie girl photos bother you (they would bother me ALOT), tell him no more and get rid of the others. Blah, blah, blah he loves you and all that, but if they hurt your feelings, even if he thinks that's ridiculous, he should get rid of them. You don't do hurtful things to someone you love on purpose. Call the local high school and ask for a reference for a mothers helper to come two, three, four hours a week to play with Moira so you can do housework, read a mag, take a shower. Tell Jay it will be fit into the budget and you'll sell his stupid Star Trek cards if you have to. You, your sanity and your well being are more important! Mothers helpers are cheap. Try a sling or backpack to do housework with Moira. Take all of Jays stuff that's lying around and keep throwing it in his closet til he gets the point. It's not safe with Moira! Good luck to you mama, all this is easier said than done, but the bottom line here is that you need a partner, not a liability! BTW, your landlord can't legally tell you that you have to move to another apartment unless you're behing on the rent or something & it's like an eviction. I'm assuming that it's because you had a baby, but that's discrimination.

[Foobar]

Oh momma, you need a hug...

It does sound like PPD is playing a role here, but you do have a lot on your plate.

First is your relationship with Jay. Young relationships (not that you guys are young, but the age of the relationship) are delicate things. A baby in the mix can cause some extra turmoil. I can believe that he can look at porn and still love you even if you aren't the same shape as the women he is looking at. It's a guy thing that I wish I could explain. I agree with layla that you might not be as secure in the relationship as you would like. This is causing you both to drift a little. To be honest, it's not fair to say Jay has changed without realizing that you have also changed. Motherhood does that to a person.

Second, it sounds like you've got one spirited little girl! Oy! I remember Goo at that age! I thought I would never get things done! I eventually set up a play area in the place I needed to get work done. In the kitchen, I gave her a cupboard of her own so she could play while I did dishes and cleaned. I would also take frequent breaks to get down with her and play! So, it takes 1 hour to get the kitchen clean. That's ok...

As for formula, TIME TO DROP THE GUILT! I had to formula feed Goo and this time I've decided due to the PPD/APD, I need to get my hormones under control ASAP, so breastfeeding is out for Moo. I've decided that I am not a failure for not being able to do this one thing. It would be best if I could BF, but since I can't I have to let it go.. Goo still loves me and is still healthy.

Goo also fights sleep even now! I feel for you. If she won't stop crying even though you are holding her, that's not your fault. It's her temperment. Goo used to have 3 hour crying jags... Earphones and earplugs are OK to use.

Hang in there. See if you can get some time to yourself .....

[EllasMama]

First and foremost,

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!

Not for bottle-feeding, not for having a child who fights sleep, not for having relationship troubles. My child dislikes sleep, my breastfeeding didn't end how I'd have liked, and my husband and I had been dating/married for 4 years when DD was born but we have still had troubles ever since. A child is very hard on a marriage/relationship, especially when you have a spirited child, have PPD, and/or don't have a support network around you.

Pick the things you CAN do right now and vow to do them first, but don't be afraid to firmly request help from your DP as wells as friends, family, anyone. Start with the babyproofing, since it's the easiest thing to do, and any male you know worth his testosterone will enjoy hoisting his tools and figuring out where and how to install the little things. It will provide you with a lot more sanity quickly - you'll no longer have to worry, say "no,no,no,no" all day, and chase after the baby.

Next, talk to your DP and insist you start working to find a great counselor right away. I suggest involving him so he feels like you're working together on the issue rather than you finding someone he "has to" go see. There is no shame in couples counseling, and the SOONER you do it, the better. Many people wait till it's too late and they've been unhappy for years.

Instead of discussing larger issues that may lead to fights (like, "you NEVER pick up after yourself!") you can try to make smaller, simple requests for help to your DP, like, "I'm going to run the vacuum in a couple minutes - could you gather all those clothes off the floor?" Admitting you need help and asking in a non-judgmental fashion can be hard, but it's better than being a martyr. Try to think in your mind, "is this a reasonable request?" If the answer is "yes" then approach the issue as if you expect and deserve a "yes" answer. No beating around the bush or whining or anger, just, "I can't reach that pitcher on the top shelf...I need you to get it for me." Now if only I could get over my own emotionality and take my own advice!

Society really sets us up with bogus expectations of how it's going to be when we become mothers. I never expected to get PPD or have problems with my husband. I never thought I'd feel like an awful mom or have a child who was so spirited. I didn't know how impossible it would be to keep the house clean or the laundry done. And it felt like everyone around me put on a brave face and pretended things were swell, too. I'd have believed they truly were if I hadn't been honest with other moms I know about my PPD and other issues, then I was shocked to find out how many moms also have a really hard time. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! But at the same time, you are the only person who will take responsibility for yourself, so you have to think about how you can make things better. Like I said, start with the easy things and take baby steps.

Once you've done the first couple of things, then you can look into therapy for yourself, maybe consider anti-depressants, or whatever else comes up that you want to address. Just remember that you DESERVE to be happy and feel good. You are a GREAT mother and a GREAT person, and you have every right to make your life better.

Carol

[EllasMama]

One more quick thing, I noticed your post is titled, "Sometimes I want to run away...."

It's not at all abnormal to feel that way, and is probably a clear signal that you should be getting more time to yourself. When my PPD was at its worst, I used to look longingly at planes flying over, wishing I was going ANYWHERE but here! The irony is that while I do love to travel, I hate to fly. So my thinking of an airplane looked like salvation was pretty wacky!

Carol

[SpiralChrissy]

I'm sending all sorts of love and light to you right now! You're struggling so much. I'm so sorry that this has been so hard for you. Your entire life seems to have changed since your sweet baby was born. I think it's so hard to feel like you have to do it all--take care of the house, the baby, yourself and your relationship. No wonder you feel overloaded. I've felt that way too. It's too hard. You have to make time for yourself. I love the mothers helper idea. That would give you some extra time to sleep and take care of yourself. You can't make good decisions until you're rested. I think therapy can be helpful for you. Even if your guy isn't willing to go with you, you can gain a lot from the process. When one person in the relationship starts to change, the other person generally changes too.
I've been really working on refocusing my attention the present and only taking care of what is most important in the moment. I've been reading The Power of Now and I love that book. It's helped me make the most of my time and enjoy being with my little baby even if everything around me is chaotic.
Love and lots of hugs to you. KEEP WRITING!
Chrissy