I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of judgement with this, but I need to talk it out and vent. This is really, really long, sorry, but I really felt like I needed to give the back story.
My daughter is 2-years-old. She is my first and only child. I had her in my early 30's. Her dad was someone I hadn't dated for very long. I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids, but if I did have them, I wanted them in a good, solid family situation. My family, although my parents are still married, have never been especially close. We are supportive of one another, but not the family activity type and I wanted something different then that.
Back to her dad...he was raised in foster care and has no family. He was in his late 30's and he convinced me that I was the one who he finally was ready to take that step with and have that perfect little family. Long story short, the second I got pregnant, he dumped me and continued to use my pregnancy to mentally torture and humiliate me. It was nine months of on again and off again, getting us a nice house, then moving out because he "didn't love "me and leaving me to the rent I couldn't afford, borrowing money from me...I could go on and on and on. To abbreviate it once again, by the time I had my daughter, I was completely broke, desperate, miserable. I'd sobbed nearly every day of my pregnancy. I had panic attacks. My boss "laid me off" so I could collect unemployment and move across the country to my family. I never ever wanted to go back to my home state. It's northern and frigid and completely not for me anymore.
I'm sure you know the exhaustion a newborn causes, so after she was born, it didn't get better like I expected. It just got worse. I didn't eat and therefore couldn't maintain breastfeeding. I continued to cry and cry uncontrollably every day. I'd feed her and rock her to sleep and my tears would fall on her. Her dad still had pull over me from halfway across the country, threatening that he would disappear and never help with a thing if I got the state involved in child support. He'd call and scream at me because I had called him and his girlfriend found out. My family was getting frustrated with me because I'd walk around like a zombie all day in my robe and got little joy out of parenthood. No matter how horrible her dad treated me, I continued to give him chances, thinking that his upbringing had him scared. I made some severely stupid choices, but just didn't want to accept that I'd been fooled and lied to. I didn't want to accept that something I had always said was the last thing I would ever want in life was happening to me (single parenting).
Slightly over a year ago, I got a job in the state he had moved to...he helped me pick out a house with promises of helping me pay for it, since he had a job that was paying very, very well. My mom was devastated, which I felt horrible about, but I wasn't willing to give up on a family and I wasn't ready to give up my career, which requires some moving around and weird hours. Not surprisingly, after I moved here, he completely ignored me. I've been here for over a year and he was at my house twice. He gave me a set of couches and $200 right after I moved. Then he disappeared. Child support can't find him. He won't put utilities, vehicles or anything that might trace him in his name. He works under the table for cash. I know this because a friend he screwed over called me and is trying to help me find him.
My job is insane hours. Luckily, I have really great neighbors who have taken over daycare for me and do just about any hours I need, but I pay dearly for it. Any second I want to myself comes at a price. I make just enough to not qualify for any assistance. My parents have paid rent for me and borrowed me THOUSANDS of dollars already. I make just enough money to not qualify for any kind of assistance. Yesterday, I didn't have a sitter and took her into work with me. It took 5 hours to do one hour of work, because she wouldn't leave me alone and kept making a disaster.
I have considered moving back home where I would have help. However, rent and daycare is twice to three times as much there. I would end up living in a shitty apartment and dealing with the freezing, long winters and landscape with zero character that I detest so much. I feel like either way I'll hate my life. I can either be broke with no life living away from my family, or I can be miserable about the locale and not have much more because of the higher cost and get the occasional weekend off free of charge.
My electricity is shut off. We're currently staying with a bachelor co-worker in a tiny apartment until I get my taxes back and can pay the bill. My checking account is constantly overdrawn. As if I didn't have enough money issues, I started smoking again out of pure stress. I thought I'd never go back to that disgusting habit. Out of sheer bordem and lonlieness, I've started drinking more after she goes to bed. I can't wait to get fucked up some nights to forget how miserable I am.
I hate it all. I hate changing diapers and cleaning up constant disasters. I hate being sassed back at and I hate sitting at home night after night after night without the freedom to even run to the store. I hate that I was fooled...I spent years figuring out what I wanted to do with my life and finally figured it out and it's nearly impossible to do the job I love as a single mother. I hate when people complain about being a single mother and then say they only get a break "every other weekend" when their child's parent takes them. I'd kill for that weekend. I hate the never-ending laundry, the constant noise, the hauling bag of crap around to accommodate a kid, the in and out of carseats, the poverty and the exhaustion. I get up for work at 3AM. By the time she's in bed, it's just about time for me to go too. I don't mind working one bit. I wish I had more money for daycare so I could spend more time at work, instead of lonely hours at home.
All I do is yell at her. She's sweet and cute and beautiful and funny, but all I do is yell. I'm already counting down the years til she's 18 and I can't wait til I can legally just LEAVE. My mom just took her for 3 weeks over Christmas and I was actually annoyed when she said she was on her way to drop her off. I just wanted to be alone. I am so close to either calling my mom and telling her I can't do it anymore or finding her dad and dropping her off at his doorstep. He's a total sociopath who ruins lives, but all I can think is that it's only fair that he see what it's like. I just want to run away and go back out west and never again contact my family or friends and just have my old life back. I've considered counseling, but I don't qualify for any sort of low-income help and I can't afford the $25 co-pay to go weekly, nor do I really have any sort of time. The only thing that's improved since the day I got pregnant is that I don't bawl uncontrollably without warning on daily basis. At least moving here finally got it through my thick skull that her dad is a liar, loser and has no soul and will never, ever help with anything...and even that doesn't stop me from wanting to leave her with him.
I will never, ever have another child no matter what the circumstances. Pregnancy was emotionally traumatic to me. I would never take the slightest risk that someone might walk out on me and leave me a single mother of two. ***shuddering*** I still have not met a guy who isn't at least 20 years older then me who has the slightest capability of sitting home every night with a kid, especially with my schedule.
I don't know what advice anyone can give me; maybe I just need to vent. People keep telling me "it gets better." Yeah, in certain way it has, but in other ways it's way worse. I feel like the world's most miserable person. I'm bitter, angry and a horseshit mother and I'm just FED up.