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Fed Up and Want to Walk Away from Everything

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of judgement with this, but I need to talk it out and vent.  This is really, really long, sorry, but I really felt like I needed to give the back story. 


My daughter is 2-years-old.  She is my first and only child.  I had her in my early 30's.  Her dad was someone I hadn't dated for very long.  I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids, but if I did have them, I wanted them in a good, solid family situation.  My family, although my parents are still married, have never been especially close.  We are supportive of one another, but not the family activity type and I wanted something different then that.


Back to her dad...he was raised in foster care and has no family.  He was in his late 30's and he convinced me that I was the one who he finally was ready to take that step with and have that perfect little family.  Long story short, the second I got pregnant, he dumped me and continued to use my pregnancy to mentally torture and humiliate me.  It was nine months of on again and off again, getting us a nice house, then moving out because he "didn't love "me and leaving me to the rent I couldn't afford, borrowing money from me...I could go on and on and on.  To abbreviate it once again, by the time I had my daughter, I was completely broke, desperate, miserable.  I'd sobbed nearly every day of my pregnancy.  I had panic attacks.  My boss "laid me off" so I could collect unemployment and move across the country to my family.  I never ever wanted to go back to my home state.  It's northern and frigid and completely not for me anymore.


I'm sure you know the exhaustion a newborn causes, so after she was born, it didn't get better like I expected.  It just got worse. I didn't eat and therefore couldn't maintain breastfeeding. I continued to cry and cry uncontrollably every day.  I'd feed her and rock her to sleep and my tears would fall on her.  Her dad still had pull over me from halfway across the country, threatening that he would disappear and never help with a thing if I got the state involved in child support.  He'd call and scream at me because I had called him and his girlfriend found out.  My family was getting frustrated with me because I'd walk around like a zombie all day in my robe and got little joy out of parenthood.  No matter how horrible her dad treated me, I continued to give him chances, thinking that his upbringing had him scared.  I made some severely stupid choices, but just didn't want to accept that I'd been fooled and lied to.  I didn't want to accept that something I had always said was the  last thing I would ever want in life was happening to me (single parenting).


Slightly over a year ago, I got a job in the state he had moved to...he helped me pick out a house with promises of helping me pay for it, since he had a job that was paying very, very well.  My mom was devastated, which I felt horrible about, but I wasn't willing to give up on a family and I wasn't ready to give up my career, which requires some moving around and weird hours.  Not surprisingly, after I moved here, he completely ignored me.  I've been here for over a year and he was at my house twice.  He gave me a set of couches and $200 right after I moved.  Then he disappeared.  Child support can't find him.  He won't put utilities, vehicles or anything that might trace him in his name.  He works under the table for cash.  I know this because a friend he screwed over called me and is trying to help me find him. 


My job is insane hours.  Luckily, I have really great neighbors who have taken over daycare for me and do just about any hours I need, but I pay dearly for it.  Any second I want to myself comes at a price. I make just enough to not qualify for any assistance.  My parents have paid rent for me and borrowed me THOUSANDS of dollars already.  I make just enough money to not qualify for any kind of assistance.  Yesterday, I didn't have a sitter and took her into work with me.  It took 5 hours to do one hour of work, because she wouldn't leave me alone and kept making a disaster.


I have considered moving back home where I would have help.  However, rent and daycare is twice to three times as much there.  I would end up living in a shitty apartment and dealing with the freezing, long winters and landscape with zero character that I detest so much.  I feel like either way I'll hate my life.  I can either be broke with no life living away from my family, or I can be miserable about the locale and not have much more because of the higher cost and get the occasional weekend off free of charge.


My electricity is shut off.  We're currently staying with a bachelor co-worker in a tiny apartment until I get my taxes back and can pay the bill. My checking account is constantly overdrawn.  As if I didn't have enough money issues, I started smoking again out of pure stress.  I thought I'd never go back to that disgusting habit.  Out of sheer bordem and lonlieness, I've started drinking more after she goes to bed.  I can't wait to get fucked up some nights to forget how miserable I am. 


I hate it all.  I hate changing diapers and cleaning up constant disasters.  I hate being sassed back at and I hate sitting at home night after night after night without the freedom to even run to the store.  I hate that I was fooled...I spent years figuring out what I wanted to do with my life and finally figured it out and it's nearly impossible to do the job I love as a single mother.  I hate when people complain about being a single mother and then say they only get a break "every other weekend" when their child's parent takes them.  I'd kill for that weekend.  I hate the never-ending laundry, the constant noise, the hauling bag of crap around to accommodate a kid, the in and out of carseats, the poverty and the exhaustion.  I get up for work at 3AM.  By the time she's in bed, it's just about time for me to go too.  I don't mind working one bit.  I wish I had more money for daycare so I could spend more time at work, instead of lonely hours at home. 


All I do is yell at her.  She's sweet and cute and beautiful and funny, but all I do is yell.  I'm already counting down the years til she's 18 and I can't wait til I can legally just LEAVE.  My mom just took her for 3 weeks over Christmas and I was actually annoyed when she said she was on her way to drop her off.  I just wanted to be alone.  I am so close to either calling my mom and telling her I can't do it anymore or finding her dad and dropping her off at his doorstep.  He's a total sociopath who ruins lives, but all I can think is that it's only fair that he see what it's like.  I just want to run away and go back out west and never again contact my family or friends and just have my old life back.  I've considered counseling, but I don't qualify for any sort of low-income help and I can't afford the $25 co-pay to go weekly, nor do I really have any sort of time.  The only thing that's improved since the day I got pregnant is that I don't bawl uncontrollably without warning on daily basis.  At least moving here finally got it through my thick skull that her dad is a liar, loser and has no soul and will never, ever help with anything...and even that doesn't stop me from wanting to leave her with him.


I will never, ever have another child no matter what the circumstances.  Pregnancy was emotionally traumatic to me.  I would never take the slightest risk that someone might walk out on me and leave me a single mother of two.  ***shuddering***  I still have not met a guy who isn't at least 20 years older then me who has the slightest capability of sitting home every night with a kid, especially with my schedule. 


I don't know what advice anyone can give me; maybe I just need to vent. People keep telling me "it gets better." Yeah, in certain way it has, but in other ways it's way worse.  I feel like the world's most miserable person.  I'm bitter, angry and a horseshit mother and I'm just FED up.

post #2 of 12
Oh mama, that sounds awful. I can't begin to imagine what it's like for you. I just want to say that you are doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances and send you some virtual hugs and support. I wish we lived close and I could offer to take your DD for a couple of hours a week. Having said all of that, please remember that your DD is innocent in all this and as much as you want to stick it to your ex, if you ever come close to the breaking point, please PLEASE call your mom instead of doing anything rash. It sounds like your mom was happy to have your DD and I'm sure that in an emergency she would help. Again big hugs to you. Love that little girl even when it's tough. Remember that she had her father walk out on her when she needed him most. I hope you two can grow to be a united front, drawing strength from each other and filling each other with love and support. I so feel for you and have such respect for your perseverance. Parenting is hard and you are showing your daughter that strong women can overcome so much more hardship than seems possible. Lots of love and hugs to you girls!!
post #3 of 12

I don't usually post here but I happened by and it sounds like you've had a horrible time. I'm so sorry.  Children can be a joy but sometimes it's hard to see that joy when you have so much stress.


Have you ever see a doctor about depression?  Your story sounds so familiar to me in some ways: I (the breadwinner) was laid off during my pregnancy, and I was just so stressed that my entire pregnancy and the first 2 years of my son's life were just a horribly dark time.  I couldn't sleep after he was born, and I was terrified to be left alone, I would cry whenever I was the only adult in the house.  And my son wasn't hard.  I just couldn't handle it.  I only ever wanted to be left alone and to sleep and I couldn't find work that paid enough to cover daycare for 2 kids.  I felt so stuck.  When I look back now I can see that at the very least I needed a whole lot more Zoloft than the tiny dose I took for a couple months after DS was born.  Would it maybe be something you might talk to your doctor about?


Have you talked to your parents about how you feel?  It sounds like they really want to help you.  Nobody takes a child for 3 weeks unless they really want to help.  If you really can't be a good mom right now, can they help?  Be honest with them.  Could they pay the $25 so you could see a counselor?  I would think you could maybe take your daughter with you so you don't have to pay for daycare, too. 

post #4 of 12

No judgement from me. Sounds like you are really at your wits end. I understand your resentment about single moms complaining about their eow off. In your position I would feel the same way. It sounds like yo are building a supportive circle of friends, and I am sure you understand how important that is. Are you on antidepressants? Honestly, it sounds like you need them. I know for me they are a life saver.

   Here is a really good place to vent and moan and cry. Come hang out and get to know some people. Even just online there is a lot of support!

post #5 of 12

I want to give you a big long hug so badly. While I haven't been through the things you have been through, I *felt* that same helplessness, hopelessness, and utter depression.  So horribly awful. You know, sometimes circumstances/people in our lives can make us sick. I went to my doctor once desperate for help. She sent me to a psychiatrist and we worked through my past and it became very clear that my marriage/my husband had made me sick. I was depressed because of the miserable circumstances I was bound to.


Your story reminds me a lot of the imprisoning circumstances that led to my depression. When we're in these 'depths of despair' we don't have the resources to get ourselves out. Those resources have been sucked out by others or by our circumstances. We can't even see out. I've been there and it's not fun. You can't be you. I ended up taking an anti-depressant. It allowed me to get onto that first rung of the ladder out of hell. It didn't change me or make me 'fluffy' but it did change my life. It gave me enough strength to face the day and find solutions and move forward. I hope you can get to a doctor very soon. You have been through so much and are dealing with so much. Hang in there, mama. xo

post #6 of 12

Hang in there! It will get better. Please do not leave her with her Dad. Especially if he is a liar and a sociopath, as you say. Stay away....far away! What kind of social services are available in your area? Do you have 211? There has to be somewhere you can turn for some sort of counseling and help with your daughter. Hugs!


Although my situation is different, I went through PPD with my first and I have also had ups and downs over the years. I know the feeling of being stuck in the house, day after day and being unhappy with your life at times. Most of us can relate to feeling that way at one point or another. Know that you are not alone. Try to find other moms in your area to stay somewhat connected to the outside world.

post #7 of 12

Oh honey, you have post-partum depression.  We can all relate to your struggle.  Please get help!  I don't take pharmaceuticals, but I've studied nutrition and natural healing for 20 years and take a handful of stuff every day to keep my head straight.  You need some antidepressants!  In the meantime, go to the healthfood store or Vitamin Shoppe and get  a b complex vitamin labeled 'Stress' formula.  The one I take is called Mega B-Stress by Solaray, which cracks me up because being a single mom is mega-stress.  Homeopathy and flower essences could help too.  I take Sepia which has as one of its' indicators...'indifference to loved ones'.


I agree that your mom really wants to help.  If it were me I would move near her and ignore the weather, at least for a few years. 


post #8 of 12
Thread Starter 

Thanks everyone...I feel much better over the last couple of days.  In some ways, being in this position living with the guy from work has been good for us.  He's really good with her and he'll entertain her for 5 or 10 minutes here and there so I can walk away....so I've been enjoying her energy more now when I have the occasional break.  And we are sort of playing house...cooking dinner every night and cleaning up together and watching TV after she goes to bed.  He's left tonight to see his family and I realized it's a lot more lonely.  I'm supposed to get a tax check on Friday, so I can catch up with most everything and get back home...and in ways I actually dread it, because it means going back to the norm of just her and I in a quiet house together.  On the other hand, it will be nice not to be subjected to the constant bad reality shows at ear-splitting volume and to be back to my sunny living room.


I wish I liked it more.  I wish I didn't think every day about where I could be or what I could do if I hadn't allowed myself to be fooled by a charming manipulator.  I'm not like other women in that I feel like the joys of motherhood override the tough stuff.  I love her, but all I can think is that none of it is worth what it did to my mind, heart and freedom.  I wish I could see that other people in my position have moved on to relationships where they've found someone to be the other parent.  I don't see that as a possibility for me.  In my mind, NO ONE really wants to sit home with a kid every night and/or try to get to know a woman over the constant chatter and / or whining of a 2-year-old girl.  To me, that's just not even feasible.  I wouldn't want it.  Why would anyone else?  


I know it's not prudent to drop her off on her "dad's" doorstep.  The only reason I think of it is because it would spare me the humiliation of becoming the center of the small-town rumor mill where my parents live.  So I guess I'm a completely selfish human being, too, as I'd rather send her into the lair of the lion than tarnish my own reputation.  


I'm desperate...and money has a lot to do with that.  I need to find a roommate (suck).  Or consolidate to a small apartment. Double suck.  Thanks for being understanding and non-judgmental.  I know I'm wallowing in misery...I just feel stuck between two bad choices in every aspect of my life, brought on by a hugely bad choice.  I know I should probably talk to someone...I've just tried counseling multiple times and I'm horrible at opening up and I eventually give up.  I will look into it, but with little zeal.


post #9 of 12

oh mama.  what a difficult, difficult situation.  I have totally been there (twice over!  slow learner, right here) and it's really terrible.  


I would honestly urge you to move back home.  maybe the weather sucks but you're obviously not really enjoying it where you are, either.  find an apt close to your parents because your family is going to be your saving grace as far as free time goes right now.  I know it sounds awful, but consider it just for the time being.  not forever, but until *something* changes, and something always does.  find an in-home daycare that will cost a little less.  connect with local moms and make a sort of babysitting "co-op" where you trade off playdates for some free time.  invite single friends over for dinner just to get some company.  find free and fun stuff around your city that you and DD can do, just to get you out of the house. I so know that loneliness and it's just awful.  please find a way to pay that $25 copay, somehow, so that you can take care of yourself.  you matter greatly in this situation. help is out there.  I can tell you that my DD is now six and it gets easier.  she is a very different kid than she was a 2 (aka I can take her out in public now) and she has lots of school friends.  we host sleepovers, she goes to sleepovers, she goes to play dates, she goes to birthday parties alone, ect.  you WILL get back some free time.  life will come back to you.  

post #10 of 12
Thread Starter 

I've seriously considered moving back, but with my job, there's limited places I can go near them and still advance in my field.  If I go back, though, I'll never get out.  I can't go back for a couple of years, get her used to having family around and then leave again.   I know in ways, life could be good having family near.  I think of living in that place for 16 more years and it makes fills me with dread. And there's no guarantee I could leave even then.  I was so miserable when I moved back there for 9 months; I couldn't wait to get out...and part of that has to do with my family, too.  Like I mentioned earlier, we are not very tight-knit, with some good reasons..issues that have been brewing for a long time, but are continuously swept under the rug.    I've enjoyed keeping my distance because of some of those issues.


Her "dad" called me the other day out of the blue at work.  I haven't talked to him in nearly 6 months. The guy who is paying him under the table received child support paperwork for him, which fired him up.  He asked me what he needs to do to completely get rid of me and this situation, because he doesn't want the responsibility.  I asked him if he thought I wanted to live life in poverty, changing diapers and never having a life.  His response?  "Give it to your parents.  Or give it up for adoption."  Luckily, I've finally gotten to the point where he can't upset me anymore. Whereas that last line somewhat shocked me - even though it shouldn't coming from him, most of his ranting and raving I  responded to with laughing, which made him angrier.  He throws so many absurd things out there...like: "even if they catch me for child support, you'll never see any of that money, because they'll use it to pay back all that welfare you've been on.  You wouldn't even be able to apply for child support if it wasn't for your dependency on welfare." 


It is probably most logical that I move home.  I've thought that myself, for several reasons.  Not only the family help, but the fact that I'm somewhere tied to a decision that was made because of his influence still makes feel me a little vulnerable when it comes to him.  I think making a fresh start in someplace that he is not tied to would be beneficial to my daughter and I both. I don't think he even remembers where I live, but I still worry that he will show up here one day, angry.  


Regarding counseling, I know I should probably talk a lot of things out with someone.  I've been so angry for so long...he changed my soul.  One day by chance, I was reading an article on PTSD and damn if I didn't fit a better part of the signs.  It really was very traumatic.  If you read above that he said, this man talks that way all the time; he worked his hardest to make me feel like complete trash; and now he never fails to remind me I am.  With my shitty car and the constant anxiety having no electricity for nearly two weeks and constant frustration with my daughter, he's succeeded.  I know the best way to beat this is to prove him wrong.  To be successful without his help...and yes, I do think the best way to do it is to get closer to my family.  Part of the reason being a parent has been so hard for me is because I'm an adventurer.  I like to move around, meet new people...I have a wandering foot.  There's too much out there in this world to see and experience to waste it in one place.  I know I need to look at this like just another adventure for the two of us...the place where we would have an opportunity to start over without any ties to him.  Having said that, I would like to wait until I've been in my current position for at least a year, which would be July....and then I'd probably like to stay out the summer.  


Thanks for listening, everyone...I know I have a jumble of thoughts in here and I'm sort of rambling....lots of ups and downs in the past few weeks.  Electricity turned back on yesterday, so we are back home...kinda bittersweet.  It was nice to have company every night.

post #11 of 12
Hey im 24 and a single mum of two girls, my circumstances are alot different to yours I chose to be a single mum and stop the contact between my girls and their dad after he almost killed me, I suffer from depression and ptsd but I have never even thought about walking away from my girls, they didnt ask to be born so its our jobs as parents to protect out children. N tbh I have self harmed over the years wished my ex had suceeded when he wanted to kill me but then I look at my innocent children amd think how can I even consider leaving them behind I love em with all my heard n couldnt imagine life without them or someone else bringing them up,
post #12 of 12

Hi Vertigo, just wanted to send you some virtual hugs and tell you to stay strong.  You are in a really tough situation, but I know you can beat this, and prove him wrong!  Being a mom (and an single one at that) is the hardest job in the entire world.  No doubt.


My situation is not the same but I spent several years parenting solo with little to no break and felt very desperate, isolated and lonely especially when my children were very young like yours.  The best thing I found was to start making connections with other moms in similar situations and just having someone to talk to often helped with the loneliness. Things just felt more manageable and bearable when I had company (I would invite other moms over or we'd meet up and go for a walk or something).  Once you open up, you'd be amazed at how many other women may be dealing with similar situations, or look for a local single moms support group and try to connect with some other women.  Even if the women weren't people I'd normally be "friends" with, the fact that we had something in common helped us connect and it really did help with the loneliness and desperation of sitting home alone every night. I remember dreading going home every night after work to night after night of being alone with small children. Having other women to talk to and looking forward to seeing some of them made a big difference for me.


The other thing that really helped me pull through was to reconnect with my faith. I spent hours googling different things and found an approach that worked for me, and it really, really helped me pull through. My faith gave me hope, which was the biggest thing that helped pull me out of my darkness.  It doesn't matter what religion or belief you choose, but try to find some kind of spiritual guidance, it will really help. (And it helps with the loneliness too - and can give you a support network).


And if you can, check if your library has a copy of the book "Feeling Good", by David Burns, MD. This is an oldie but a goodie. I turn to it regularly to help me keep things in perspective, keep putting one foot in front of the other and find joy in life. It's been clinically proven more effective than depression medication.


Your daughter will grow up before you know it, and you will meet someone new.  You just need to get through this rough patch. But you'll do it.  I know it! :)

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