*~*~*~*Spotlight on sunshinelove!!!!*~*~*~* « Back to Group Discussions

[jodieanneanton]

Ask away!

[jodieanneanton]

What type of birth do you plan for this little bean?  :)

[jodieanneanton]

What is your favorite food that is prepared FOR you?  What is your favorite food prepared BY you?  :D

[writermama12]

Sunshinelove, How is your relationship with your mother or a mother-figure? How has her mothering impacted how you mother/live as a woman? What are some differences?

[veganyogamomma]

Sunshinelove- If you could do anything with your life, regardless of finances, what would you want to do?

[cocoanib]

Hello!

 I know that we live pretty close to each other and you said you just moved to the area. How do you like it so far?

Where did you move from?

[sunshinelove]

Yay!! Its my turn to answer questions . I am an open book so dont be shy.

Jodie--i am planning a UC, if all goes well. I had a UC with my daughter 2 years ago and it went so beautifully that it makes sense to me to do it again .
I like how you distinguished between "for" and "by" lol, that is creative! My favorite food made for me would be sushi--i like all different kinds but I've always had a soft spot for veggie rolls. My favorite food made by me would be lasagna--I use my mother's tried and true recipe with lots of sauce and cheese yum.

Writermama--wow, great questions, thank you. My mother has always been a sore spot in my life. She has severe emotional issues that make it impossible to have a real connection with her. This left a deep hole inside of me that caused all sorts of problems for me (anorexia and compulsive exercising as a teenager, unhealthy, often turbulent relationships as a young adult along with years of social anxiety, depression, and a general sense of feeling different or alien). It took me a lot of soul searching and analytical probing to piece it all together for the purpose of identifying the root. As it turns out pretty much all of my problems are directly because of her and how she treated me over the years. Once I saw that clearly I've been pecking away at the layers, which has helped me feel a 100 times better. I used to live to please her, caught up in her emotional web of manipulations and superficiality. She will never be who I need her to be--accepting that has been the most difficult thing I've had to do but it has freed me from her web and allowed me to finally live my life on my own terms. For years I would go back and forth between trying to please her and trying to get as far away as possible from her until I took a stand and stopped the cycle. As far as how she's influenced my mothering, she has made me do everything possible to not be like her--i have dedicated myself to being emotionally healthy, grounded and centered. In a sense I am grateful to her for showing me what it means to mother by forcing to clear out everything that is harmful or useless and only keep that which is essential and primal in nature. As far as being a woman, she has shown me how important it is to love one's mate and show him respect (something she never had done for my father). She has also shown me how important it is to take care of myself, learn to love myself and make sure I dont neglect my passions.

Veganyogamomma--i would want to see the beautiful places in this world, give to charities that really make a difference and support my kids with their passions. I've wanted to visit Ireland, the Amazon rainforest, Machu Pichu (not sure about spelling), Hawaii, and the Bahamas.

Cocoanib--this area is nice, i love the weather and its also quieter than the last place I lived (i was living near downtown L.A. blah). I have also lived in santa cruz, san jose, portland, oregon and houston (where i was born). I must say that Portland, OR has been my favorite place to live so far. The air is so clean, there are a million trees (I love trees), the people are cool and interesting, and the rain is often light and refreshing. Theres a good possibility we'll move back there someday.

[RainGardenMama]

Hi there, why did you move away from Portland? And, when were you here? (I live in Portland, used to live in Orange County).

[sunshinelove]

Haha, i live in orange county and i used to live in portland!! How wacky. I moved away for stupid reasons, i wish i hadn't now but hindsight is always 20/20. I thought it would be better to live closer to family but I've realized its better to live somewhere you love. I lived there from mid-2007 to mid-2010, i mostly lived in SE but also spent a short time in Hillsboro.

[RainGardenMama]

We live in NE but are moving to SE soon
I do miss the sunshine of OC, but the restaurants, people and like mindedness keep us here.

[writermama12]

sunshine, wow, I'll tell you something true: I could have written that word for word about my mother. And I am, you know, writing it. I am writing a memoir about my relationship with her and how I am learning to be an independent person and mother. That memoir was part of my thesis in grad school "Writing to dismantle fear, guilt, and shame in mothering"...She lives in Riverside now (as I did before moving to MA, but I grew up in OC. We moved there from Michigan). Anyway, uncanny the similarities. It is amazing you have come so far from where you were in your relationship with her. Really inspiring story.

Can I ask you how you managed to do it? You say soul searching and analytical probing...were there methods or media you used to do those things? I am very interested in the ways people access the very foundations of who they are and what media prove to be transformational. I have found writing to be transformational for me and other mothers. But sometimes I just don't feel like writing.

[babytoes]

Hi Sunshine!

Amazing that you had a UC with your first baby! I'm in awe! Now that you've gone through it once, what did you learn from that? What are you doing differently this time because of those experiences?

[sunshinelove]

Writermama: that is truly amazing how similar our experiences have been with our mothers, wow. It is nice to see I am not alone. Hmm, the methods and media...its a little difficult to explain exactly how I go about it but I will try my best. I will start off by saying that no one taught me this, I learned it on my own. It all started when I was deeply depressed (i was about 19) and knew that if i didnt start healing then i would die, physically, emotionally or both. So I moved out of the god awful living situation i was in with a boy who was very bad for me and embarked on what felt at the time to be an endless journey towards feeling well and whole. It felt endless because there was so much emotional weight to take off that it felt like I'd never get through it all. But i did and it was a slow, arduous process. For the first 3 or 4 years all I did in this regard was let it flow--if i felt like crying i cried, if i felt like raging i raged, whatever came out of me i let come out. And since i was living on my own, i felt free to express myself without judgment. I did alot of beating and screaming into pillows and there many nights in which i cried myself to sleep. It was interesting to me how the simple decision to let it all out enabled whatever was there to make itself known at a pace i could handle. The fact it was never more than i could handle made me feel confident that i would eventually get through it all. When i was about 23 or 24, i had released the bulk of the pain and rage which allowed me to take the next step on my journey--observing my patterns. I forgot to mention that one night when i was crying and raging back when my journey first began, a voice (i believe it was an angel) spoke to me. She showed me that the emotional story i had created surrounding my family wasnt set in stone and that one day it will be gone and any idea or mental attachment i had to them would dissolve as well. This awareness that she gave me opened me up to the closest i have ever come to what i consider "enlightenment"--a void underneath the pain that never changes, never diminshes and that feels like a platform of unconditional love became known to me that night and it has completely changed my life and who i know myself to be. I learned to trust this void, to know it as part of who i am and i now understand that this infinite space is integral to healing and fully moving on from the past. I have tried writing about it so that people can discover it within themselves, too, but its not an object or a tangible goal so its difficult to pinpoint exactly what people need to do to "get there". I will probably attempt another book in the future, though, that explains this in great detail in the hopes that others will benefit from it. So fast forward about 4 years and this void within is enabling me to see that i dont need to hold onto old beliefs or patterns. I begin to use this foundation as the means by which i unravel the layers of pain and why i do what i do. I will try and give an example: i loved to seek attention at all the wrong moments--like when my boyfriend or parents were in a bad mood or when i should have been doing something else, like homework. For some reason i would start acting out, wanting whatever attention i could get. The void enabled me to first notice this and when i grew tired of it, it enabled me to see why i do it which then made it easy to let it go. So through observation and using the void as a foundation, i discovered that i unconsciously believed i deserved to be treated poorly and i didnt deserve good things (like finishing school) so i was attracted to situations that matched these beliefs. By seeing this i was able to decide if i wanted to keep it or not. After choosing to let it go, the pain that was supporting this belief unraveled and dissolved. I am not sure if this is makig any sense but this is the best way i know how to describe my "methodology". I have spent the last 7 years or so noticing patterns, analyzing them in order to discover their root and then letting them dissolve. Some patterns take longer to understand and dissolve, so i have had to learn to be patient. I have also had times when i would hit a plateau in which it felt like growth has stopped. Fortunately, this is always accompanied by something big that would give me the catalyst i need. I am not sure what else to say about it--if you have more questions please ask them.

Babytoes: UC feels natural to me, i cant imagine giving birth any other way unless i absolutely had to (if theres a serious complication). What i learned from my daughter's birth is how important it is to trust my instincts/listen to the small, quiet voice within. This fear kept popping up inside of me that i wasnt progressing even though i clearly was and i realize now its because i wasnt fully trusting of the process and my instincts. As if to prove to me that it was okay to trust, near the end of labor i had a hunch to move my hips all the way to the right. I was on hands and knees and i remember doubting for a moment if what i "heard" was legit when suddenly, in the midst of my doubt, i felt a very strong urge to move my hips to the right and it would have felt unnatural not to. So of course i did and i am almost 100% sure she rotated then. I then moved position a little and felt an urge to move my hips to the left--this time i didnt doubt it, i went with it and i think she finished her corkscrew rotation because a few minutes later she was born. I am still in awe of that occurrence and it has helped me deepen my trust in the process and the small, quiet voice within. So, to answer your question, the only thing i would do differently is trust even more, to not be afraid, to allow my instincts to take over since they obviously know better than my doubting mind how to give birth.

[writermama12]

Sunshine, Thanks for such a detailed response. Totally interesting to read. I do hope you decide to give it another go and write that book-- I think the very best way to communicate complicated relationships is narratively, in prose, either memoir or fiction. Then readers CAN see how you did it without you having to tell them how to do it for themselves. Takes pressure off of you as well to figure it all out.

[sunshinelove]

I have been considering writing a fiction book that is based on my life's experiences. The hardest part for me is getting started. I psyche myself out about it so much that I dont even get started. Yeah, I'm working on that.

[chocolatechip]

Sunshinelove, I'm glad you made it back to us! What kinds of things do you like to do with your daughter for fun? What kind of personality does she have? And what's your favorite way to pamper yourself just for you?

[sunshinelove]

Hey chocolatechip (your screenname always makes me hungry btw lol): my daughter is uber girly so anything involving dolls or stuffed animals makes her happy . She is also big on stickers, blocks and playing with our two kitties. I love doing patty cake with her (she tries so hard to follow along, its so cute) and reading to her. She loves going down slides when we make it out to the park and she is also happy just playing in the front yard. She is, generally speaking, a very mellow little girl, she has always slept really well, loves affection (both giving and receiving--she'll hug her dolls and give them kisses if she feels they need them lol), laughs a lot and rarely cries or fusses. She is also smart and mature for her age--she talks all the time and has been putting words together to make sentences lately, she knows how to hold a pencil properly and draw (we think she's going to be an artist like her daddy), she sits at the table and eats with a fork on her own, she has a strong sense of caution (never tries to run off in public places and wants to hold my hand, she also doesnt automatically trust people just because they're nice to her), she is empathetic towards people who are sad, wants to hug and touch them and she's been happily using her potty regularly since about 6 months of age (practiced EC since she was 3 months, she really took to it at 6 months and now its a everyday routine--i havent had to put a diaper on her since she was 18 months and shes only had a couple of accidents at nighttime since then). I could talk about her all day, she is so amazing, she truly lights up my life.

Hmm, i have a few favorite ways i like to pamper myself--taking long, bubble baths, doing yoga, watching a favorite movie and getting a massage.

[chocolatechip]

Oh my gosh, what a lovely description of your daughter! She sounds like someone I would love to meet. 

(sometimes I wonder if my screen name was such a good idea, since every time *I* sign in, it makes me think of chocolate!!)