Partner's Role in Homebirth « Back to Group Discussions

[cathochick]

Hey Ladies,

This is my third baby, but SO's first. We're planning a water birth at home, which will be new for me. My boys were both Kaiser hospital births. Since he's never witnessed a birth in person, he is concerned about his role in supporting me. With my boys (I was married at the time), there wasn't a lot to do. For my first birth, I mostly lay still, half asleep, quietly praying Hail Marys until transition. For my second, it was too fast to do anything supportive.

My SO is much more hands on. What did your partners do during labor that you appreciated?

[brooklyn_warbler]

Originally Posted by cathochick 

Hey Ladies,

This is my third baby, but SO's first. We're planning a water birth at home, which will be new for me. My boys were both Kaiser hospital births. Since he's never witnessed a birth in person, he is concerned about his role in supporting me. With my boys (I was married at the time), there wasn't a lot to do. For my first birth, I mostly lay still, half asleep, quietly praying Hail Marys until transition. For my second, it was too fast to do anything supportive.

My SO is much more hands on. What did your partners do during labor that you appreciated?

My husband's favorite part of homebirth (not that he knows any different) is how involved he gets to be.  He compares it to his friends' stories of birthing in hospitals and it's like night and day, the feelings of relative uninvolvement vs. involvement.

Beyond basic "setting up" stuff (the tub, etc) the major thing my husband is great for is having a stronger person to hang on, hold, support me in a squat etc.  I was in the pool with my second (super fast) birth but I loved just holding on to his arms during transition and not  feeling as bad about how hard I was holding/much my muscles were trembling, like I did when  holding my sister's arms.  In my first birth I pushed for a long time (2.5h) and once I got out of the pool my husband was hugely instrumental in holding me up while I was squatting, holding my leg up while I pushed on my side (which is how I finally got her out -- not an unusually long amount of pushing for a first timer, but it felt endless given how fast the rest of my birth was).

Making sure I stay hydrated (i.e. offering a drink with a straw in it) at regular intervals without me needing to ask is HUGE for me, and a very big part of how I feel cared for during birth (as small as it sounds).

Eye contact with a relaxed face (i.e. mouth open) is goofy but really reminded me not to tense up in my first birth.  It wasn't at all necessary in my second,  but I know my husband appreciated having that tip in the first, esp. because we were alone until the backup midwife showed up during transition.

I do not AT ALL enjoy being directed in labor so these are the kinds of things that help me: nothing verbal, just having him super present and in tune with me.

Edited by brooklyn_warbler - 2/5/13 at 9:48am

[IronMam]

I had a hospital birth with DD. They didn't have tubs, but I spent a lot of time in the shower. DP brought his bathing suit to the hospital and got in with me so I could lean on him, and just have some emotional support as well, during contractions. They had handles in the shower, but it was still nice to have him to hold onto. He also went down to the Timmy's in the lobby and bought me a candy cane donut, listened to my fears and complaints, and so on. We also had a doula, and she did a lot too (hip presses for example). It was a 36 hour labor, so DH also napped during parts (which was fine since I had my fantastic doula). And since it was -40 that day, he also went out to the parking lot every once in a while just to start the car, so it wouldn't freeze up.

[Kara9080]

Originally Posted by IronMam 

 And since it was -40 that day, he also went out to the parking lot every once in a while just to start the car, so it wouldn't freeze up.

I had to double check where you were from. I was thinking 40~ weeks pregnant, a typo of -4 birth station or something  BRR!! THAT'S COLD!

I'm excited and looking forward to this birth with my DH. This is our first baby together, his first was in a hospital with very traditional interventions making for an unpleasant birth. I'm not sure exactly how to prep him but Robina give ideas that sound exactly what I'd like. We're going to a birth center and if they don't ask us then I'll bring it up during an appointment on how exactly DH can help and be supportive. I  our birth center and the midwives!

[IronMam]

Originally Posted by Kara9080 

I had to double check where you were from. I was thinking 40~ weeks pregnant, a typo of -4 birth station or something  BRR!! THAT'S COLD!

Calgary doesn't tend to get that cold, but we were living three hours east back then. With windchill is felt like -48.

[camprunner]

My list

• If midwife isn't able to come by the time you are in active labor, your partner may need to be the one to maintain communication.
• There may be set up of the birth pool or other area if midwives are running late.
• He should understand that while putting a woman off at any other time may be accepted by the human race, during labor is not just any other time and he needs to come running. (Yes, mine pulled the "I'll be there in 15 minutes. Just let me finish organizing the pantry." yes it was nice of him to organize the pantry but I needed him right then!)
• He may need to remind the midwives where things are in the house incase they've forgotten since their home visit.
• He will need to support you and take care of you after the birth.  He should allow you and the baby to rest.
• He should NOT take the baby and run (mine also did this! It cause a lot of ppd along with a lot of other little things )
• If your other kids are around, he may need to help with them.

[1babysmom]

My hubby generally just checks in on me, as I like to labor quietly and alone on my exercise ball in the bathroom.  For the majority of the time he's just entertaining kiddos and going about life with them. :)  With DD2 I didn't "need" him at all, just yelled for him once my water quite literally popped because she shot out once that happened.  With DS, I was complete for 6 hours so towards the end of that time he came in and put counterpressure on my hips for a while, but that's about all I wanted. (though a few hours prior to that he did come in and give me some blow-by oxygen while I laid my head on the counter and that really helped me catch a break and refocus)  Once I'm pushing (which is usually just like 2 minutes max, and maybe 2 full pushes at most), he's right there beside me, he is usually the one to check for the cord around baby's neck (that's instinctual for him, I've never told him to) and then we both just kind of work together without thinking.  

Of course our births were unassisted so it's probably a little different than having a midwife present as well. But I do think it's a great idea to give them a heads up on what you will be expecting (though letting them know that might change in the throes of labor! LOL), because I think guys generally get nervous just not knowing exactly what they can do to help but wanting to do SOMETHING if needed, you know?

[IronMam]

Originally Posted by 1babysmom 
 I think guys generally get nervous just not knowing exactly what they can do to help but wanting to do SOMETHING if needed, you know?

This is true of my DH, for all things. Sometimes, when I just need a chance to talk and be listened to, I end up getting so frustrated because he keeps trying to offer advice or solve whatever the problem is and I'm just like "No. I just want someone to commiserate with. Just listen to me, I don't need you to fix it." lol

[cathochick]

Thanks, gals! This is helpful. :-)

[Greenlea]

During my homebirth my DH was pretty much running around like a chicken with its head cut off. He was filling the birth pool, helping me with pain management, calling our midwife, etc. He'd be doing something, then I'd yell for him to come help me with the pain. All he did was hold my hand, but that was all I needed really. Then since our midwife lived over an hour away, she didn't make the birth and my DH caught our son in the birthing pool, suctioned him, and then called our midwife afterwards. 

He was an EMT/firefighter for over 5 yrs so he's good in stressful situations, but he even said it would have been very helpful having someone else there so he could focus on one thing instead of running all around.

[Munchkin08]

If this is off topic and I should start a thread please let me know!

While we are not having a home birth but hope to labor at home as long as possible. The information/experiences shared here have been very helpful - esp. for first time parents who have no idea what to expect in the coming weeks. 

I wonder if you can tell me about the role of other family members that may be included in your team.

DH and I are working with a doula - and my mother may be there as well. I am not sure that she will make it in time. But she wants to know, from us, what we want her to do. She does not want to "step on DH's toes." The only thing I can think of that she is great at - and DH really isn't - is massage. 

Thoughts?

[camprunner]

Your mom will want to relieve your dh during labor if it is long.  I'm not much help because I've been a pretty independent birther.  At my home births a go-for is always nice to have but mostly, I like to be left alone or just have a hand to hold so there isn't much to do.

[firespiritmelody]

I like my hubby to stay close while I'm in labor and tend to need a lot of physical help (counter pressure and things like that) so it's nice to have someone(s) else(s) that can get the water, restart the cd player, turn the heat up or down, get me a sandwhich lol or what ever. And like camprunner mentioned, having someone who can stand in for dh so he can take a potty break, get some fresh air or even sleep for a bit if you have a long labor, is really helpful. Hopefully your doula can help direct her in ways she can help that wont step on his toes too, so I would absolutely mention to her that your mom is going to be there and will need some guidance too.