Chat Thread February 5-10 - Page 4 « Back to Group Discussions

[buko]

(((kellybeth)))

Now sounds like a good time (before baby comes) for a talk with your DH about your feelings and needs (and his). 

[etsdtm99]

Kellybeth - you probably should talk to him :/  he is probably really not sure how life is going to look after baby comes either, he may be afraid you aren't going to have time for him (seems very common fear for first time dads) and trying to prepare now by keeping himself busy .. 
 

[Teles]

Just got back from the membrane sweep and feeling disappointed about how little it hurt. I should probably be thankful, but the lack of pain makes me feel like it didn't do much. Dilated to 3cm, 60% effaced. Doctor says she'll be seeing me on Sunday at the latest, but I have essentially zero faith in her judgement of these things.

Kellybeth: Communication is critical for a relationship at any time, but especially while it's going through something as challenging as having a baby for the first time. Try coming at it from an I Statment perspective when you approach it next time (i.e., "I feel..." instead of "You are"), it's crazy what a difference it can make when discussing a touchy subject.

[HouseofPeace]

kellybeth-

good words above!  my hubby struggles with the same thing- i think he's scared, overwhelmed, and terrified that his life is about to end (and he's scared if he stops now, he'll waste time- he said that this morning as we face a blizzard and he's asking when the baby is going to come so he can quit WAITING!) but he also knows he's being ridiculous and stressed and has been trying to meet me in the evenings.

this is something you'll both have to work through in parenting too.

HUGS!  this is such a hard time to feel alone, and inconvenient.  you are not.  but he is processing this in his way, and he might need a push to shift how he's approaching this all!

  (that's me and my little one hugging you and your little one, and we grabbed your hubby too but you can't see his terrified face)

[kellybeth]

thanks ladies. i have mentioned it before, and i always say 'i feel like..." but he just gets defensive-even if he promises he won't be. when i'm mad/upset i just get silent. i don't have the energy to deal with this anymore. he works straight from 6am to 10pm every day, with breaks when i bring him morning coffee, breakfast and meals. (the most maddening part is that he is supposed to be only working 40 hours a week and only gets paid for that although he can put overtime on his own check, he has only done this once) he has a home office, but i never see him. his family came over last night for hours, which was unexpected and completely bombarding, and took away any time that we could have spent together that night. that's probably what set me off with the tears. and knowing that they are always so close to us, and my mother coming for a week again after baby arrives, i'm afraid i'm going to lose my freaking mind. i want to be left alone in my own home but it's not happening. sorry for the whining. i'm done.

teles-sending positive baby vibes. 

[typebug]

Teles good luck! I hope you are welcoming your baby by the end of the weekend.

Kellybeth, I would be pissed too. I've had my hubby retreat into his workaholicland at the damnedest times in the past. Others have already given you some good advice so I'll just say do it soon! You need to get all that out so you can keep creating a human.

[loveandgarbage]

Teles, hoping things get moving for you!

Kellybeth, sending you more hugs! I don't really have any advice to add other than asking to schedule "time" with him. In the years I've been with my partner we've had some issues with workaholic/ignoring stuff (on both sides) and it's helped to say "hey! on Tuesday night we're going to watch a movie together. So can you plan to do that please?" and see if he's open to it.

[Chloe'sMama]

Kellybeth-

Sounds like a difficult situation.  Maybe he is just super nervous.  DH is really super helpful now, but before we had kids, life looked much different.  Now, he loves to come out and spend time with the girls.  Hopefully once the baby is born, he will jump right in.

Teles- Good luck!  I am thinking this weekend will bring a wave of babies!!!!  Hopefully both of us are there!!!!

[buko]

So, hopefully I'm not annoying you, but I try to actually express my actual feelings as much as possible, which I think are less threatening than other statements, even when softened by "I feel." so what I mean is... "I feel hurt/sad/angry/afraid when..." are feelings, but "I feel you are being a jerk..." is not a feeling, LOL. I mean... Not that that necessarily prevents defensiveness all the time-- let's be real! But that's what I try to do, anyway.

[akemi]

Scheduling time is a great idea. When I feel like I need some extra attention when DH is working from home I try to schedule a 10 minute cuddle break. Generally I ask him if he's free to cuddle for 10 minutes as soon as he's done working on whatever thought he's currently on, and he sometimes grumbles a bit but then he agrees.

And really... when you are working at an office, coffee breaks / random chatting etc take up more than 10 minutes. It helps that there is a spare bedroom right beside his office in the basement with the kingsize bed that HE loves and I can't sleep in because it's super soft, but perfect for a 10 minute cuddle and chat.

[HouseofPeace]

Kellybeth- this morning my friends (we had a community snow day dance party for the 9 kids) were all telling me that they can't believe my husband is hosting a big event on Feb 15th, and offering our home to host a FAMILY for a weekend.  he sounds so much like your husband, and even last night he was out til 10ish working.  and today we have a blizzard, and yes, he's out working right now.  and he also invited his parents out for Feb 18th-25th to 'help' me.  he's self-employed, and sometimes i just lose it w/ him and his computer and phone.  i think a lot of us have men who are dedicated and hard workers, and we sound like we all have to fight the fact that this is good- they're self-motivated and independent, but they're also prone to workaholism!  my husband comes from a long line of men who die young as workaholics and leave behind relieved widows.  SERIOUSLY.  and also the kids have grown up feeling like their fathers give a lot outside the home, but not so much to the family.  these are not okay things to bring into raising a kid, but i do also think it is a natural and normal tendency for most men.  my husband is AWARE of this all, and still, on baby number 5, we're facing these struggles.  

i think scheduling things is good, and honestly, it was hard for me (and i'm a strong and not subtle woman, but in pregnancy i just want to hide and have someone care for me) but i learned to state what i needed.  and then state it again.  and then restate it firmly, with a clear explanation.  and not gently. My husband is gentle and a great listener, but he needs me to be very very firm with him on somethings.  i've taken to the 'i need' statement-  i need a foot massage and for you to talk to me tonight.  and no, i will not clean the kitchen if you stay out til 10 working.  and if you choose to have people come around, you have to talk to them, i need to be alone so they're all yours.  (i'm a very social introvert, but need my space.  like turn into a goblin with 2 hissing heads need my space).  but my husband is a bit of an introvert too, and his way of hiding is work.  his way of recharging is to get on the phone and resolve something.  and his way of dealing with the fear, the overwhelming baffling truth that a new human is going to join us is to hide.  he stresses out so badly, and caring for the other 4 kids for one week is enough to make him run outside and chop wood like a maniac... 

But i also think that though this is hard, it's not because your husband is lacking, but because he has a great strength.  If he can turn his energy and focus to you and the family, he will be able to offer a lot and be very dedicated.  But learning how to do that is something i wish they had classes for!  Meanwhile, praying for you to be able to reach him and be heard and have your needs met.

[Brambleberry]

(((Kellybeth)))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Teles 

Just got back from the membrane sweep and feeling disappointed about how little it hurt. I should probably be thankful, but the lack of pain makes me feel like it didn't do much. Dilated to 3cm, 60% effaced. Doctor says she'll be seeing me on Sunday at the latest, but I have essentially zero faith in her judgement of these things.

...

Me too!  I was thinking how getting out of the car and walking into the clinic was more painful than the membrane sweep LOL.  With my first birth, I had acupuncture the day before, and then went into the clinic for the membrane sweep the next afternoon, and I was in labor within half an hour of leaving the clinic.  I think I was hoping for similar results today, although I haven't had acupuncture yet (and the doctor here who does that is out of town until next Thursday!), and I'm feeling a little bummed that 2 1/2 hours after the sweep I'm not feeling anything yet.  Pretty silly, I know.  I was 75-80% effaced and a stretchy 4cm, and my doctor was pretty optimistic too.  She's really itching to just break my water, but I think I want to hold off on that until monday or tuesday. 

[katiesophie]

I walked into a store today and the guy behind the counter shouted, "wow! when is that happening!"  I assumed he was talking to me :)  I wish my brain was working quick enough to come up with a witty response, ah pregnancy brain!

We finally got a dresser/changing table for the baby!  I can wash clothes, diapers, etc and feel more organized.  It was the last big thing on my list :)

Kellybeth -  Not much to add to the other mamas advice.  But I will say that my DH, like HoP, needs me to tell him specifically what I need, often repeatedly.  I have found during this pregnancy that he doesn't intuitively know (shocker) what I need or how to help me.  I have discovered that he is nervous, a little overwhelmed, and is not sure what to expect.  
Thinking of you!

[buko]

I was out shopping ALL day today and I was reminded how glad I am that I don't usually have to interact with the public that much (in general, I'm an extrovert, but I could do without the public in pregnancy).  And it wasn't even bad!  But lots of people telling me I look "ready to go" and asking how much longer I have... and when I say "just a couple/few more weeks" (I'm 37w), their eyes bug out of their heads.  I mean, really?  I don't think I'm all that big for 37 weeks-- in fact, I measure consistently a couple weeks behind, and with my T&A, I don't look "big" like the tiny, skinny woman I know IRL who is due within a week of me.  But yeah, no one knows what a full-term mama really looks like.    

[etsdtm99]

I guess its cause this is #4 for me and i'm always out with 'all' 3 of my kids plus usually another adult (my mom, DH etc)  - but .. people don't talk to me about my pregnancy!!! its AWESOME!  I can count on one hand the number of comments i've had from strangers this pregnancy and 2 of them have been in the past week and have been positive- i love it!   I get FAR more comments about my good looking well behaved children ..

[kellybeth]

i had a lot of crampy lower back/pelvic/uncomfortable pains last night while trying to sleep but i had a hell of a time trying to get comfortable before then with severe hip pain. i can't believe my 'due date' is in 2 days, after all of this time counting down weeks. it's amazing! hubby is increasingly excited. he took me to a store down the street yesterday while we were out and said there was something he had to get. he saw this pink onesie with a grey bicycle screen print on it and bought it for our girl. it was just the sweetest thing. he hasn't bought anything for baby, that's been my job. awwwwww!

and a note about our situation. he came back from his meeting and i had made 2 quiche pies for him/his family from eggs that our neighbor brought over from her hens. the house smelled great with caramelized onions and i made him eat while i got into bed to read a little. he snuggled with me-computer & phone free for 4 hours while i dozed off on his chest. it felt so nice. i told him thank you for taking time off to spend with me, that i need it so much right now. he knows. plus we suck at sleeping separately and if someone is upset with the other it's very short-lived. we just don't have arguments. the last one was over 5 years ago and i left the house on my bike without saying goodbye and ended up in the hospital maimed and needing reconstructive surgery. we never leave upset now. being mad is never justified, if that makes sense. the anger is always fleeting and silly a few minutes after feeling/saying something. so thank you mamas for your kindness and words. i feel like a weepy emotional mess lately, compared to my normal stoic independent self. 

[loveandgarbage]

Glad you guys got in some cuddle time, kellybeth. It's just what you need as you enter the final days.

I'm feeling another cleaning burst today and that always gets me hopeful. I'm now 40 + 4. Nuts!

[Jenny01]

Glad things worked out kellybeth! Hoping for more babies this week!!

I'm 39 weeks today . Baby would not let me sleep on my left side last night! She would kick and punch up a storm every time I tried until about 4am lol. What's up with that?? On my right side it was fine.

[buko]

IDK, but Buko was making me super-uncomfortable for a couple hours just now, banging and squirming...  I can tell two things:

1) S/he is running out of room, because there's only very rarely a whole "roll-over" anymore.  It's more like intense squirming and pushing than major position change.

2) S/he is really big and strong!  Wow, can I feel it!  I have also "caught up" some on my measurements, so I'm thinking Buks is at least 6 lbs already @ 37w+.  I was 23 cm @ almost 26w, 27 cm @ almost 29w, 32 cm @ almost 34w, but 36 cm @ almost 37w.

[Teles]

Okay, so either I just lost the hugest glob of discharge I could conceive of (it was seriously more than an inch in diameter, could easily stretch to at least 3 inches) or I just lost my mucus plug. No other real symptoms though, just some nausea.

Storm's essentially over now, DH is home, the streets are plowed... time to come out now baby!