I tried to make this short but I just couldn't. I need to vent. I really just need some "It'll be okay" pats on the back and I can't talk to anyone about this until I tell DH.
So, brief history. We have a 3 year old, he is awesome and of course a handful. We TTCed for about 6 months last winter ending in an early miscarriage at which point we decided to take a break (mostly I wanted to take a break). We made a brief attempt at the end of the summer and then planned to start trying again in January (due to work issues October was the earliest due date that would allow me to keep my job). We talked about this a lot (though in retrospect, I talked about it a lot and DH just kind of silently nodded). I knew he was nervous but I was too and we had always talked about having another child and he would even talk to our son about being a big brother in the months before January. Okay so long story short. We had unprotected sex on the 13th and then on January 14th he totally freaked out about our finances, the state of our under construction house, stress... and admitted that he wasn't sure if we should have another because of all this. He said "I'm totally on the fence". I was admittedly devastated by the idea that I might not have another child but after a couple days I calmed down. Then he came home after talking to a friend who's kids have a 4.5 year gap and he was all over it. So, I was like "okay, bigger gap that I had imagined but sure...let's wait until next year and maybe our house will be farther along".
Sorry I know I'm not making this short I'm just kind of freaking out a bit right now.
My cycle is about 31 days, I don't chart, and was purely basing my ovulation dates on online fertility calculators that would have put it close to the 21th. I didn't even think those January 13th sperm had a chance of surviving the wait. Then I started getting these crazy headaches which I tried to blame on all the hand quilting I've been doing. Then my boobs got REALLY sore. Well before AF didn't show, I had a strong feeling that I was pregnant. The 2 BFPs this morning just confirmed it.
Last night I was a little spaced out and DH commented on my forgetfulness and asked if I was pregnant half joking. I blurted out "no!" when I should have blurted out "maybe!". I'm having visions of crazy women who try to trick their husbands into fatherhood. I know he had control over when and where that sperm went but I hate the idea that he's not 100% on this right now and it is happening. I know how worried and stressed out he'll be and I don't want him to think that I've "gotten my way". I would NEVER try to get pregnant through sneaky means.
Basically I'm trying to figure out when and how to tell him.
Now I'm also realizing that I probably would have gotten pregnant a lot faster last year if I'd actually known when I ovulate because I obviously have no clue. But that is neither here nor there.
Sorry for this ridiculously long and totally melodramatic post.