DH changed his mind about TTC midway through cycle and now...BFP (it is a long one))

[ciga]

I tried to make this short but I just couldn't.  I need to vent. I really just need some "It'll be okay" pats on the back and I can't talk to anyone  about this until I tell DH.

So, brief history.  We have a 3 year old, he is awesome and of course a handful.  We TTCed for about 6 months last winter ending in an early miscarriage at which point we decided to take a break (mostly I wanted to take a break).  We made a brief attempt at the end of the summer and then planned to start trying again in January (due to work issues October was the earliest due date that would allow me to keep my job).  We talked about this a lot (though in retrospect, I talked about it a lot and DH just kind of silently nodded).  I knew he was nervous but I was too and we had always talked about having another child and he would even talk to our son about being a big brother in the months before January.  Okay so long story short.  We had unprotected sex on the 13th and then on January 14th he totally freaked out about our finances, the state of our under construction house, stress... and admitted that he wasn't sure if we should have another because of all this.  He said "I'm totally on the fence".  I was admittedly devastated by the idea that I might not have another child but after a couple days I calmed down.  Then he came home after talking to a friend who's kids have a 4.5 year gap and he was all over it.  So, I was like "okay, bigger gap that I had imagined but sure...let's wait until next year and maybe our house will be farther along". 

Sorry I know I'm not making this short I'm just kind of freaking out a bit right now.

My cycle is about 31 days, I don't chart, and was purely basing my ovulation dates on online fertility calculators that would have put it close to the 21th.  I didn't even think those January 13th sperm had a chance of surviving the wait.  Then I started getting these crazy headaches which I tried to blame on all the hand quilting I've been doing.  Then my boobs got REALLY sore.  Well before AF didn't show, I had a strong feeling that I was pregnant.  The 2 BFPs this morning just confirmed it.  

Last night I was a little spaced out and DH commented on my forgetfulness and asked if I was pregnant half joking.  I blurted out "no!" when I should have blurted out "maybe!".  I'm having visions of crazy women who try to trick their husbands into fatherhood.  I know he had control over when and where that sperm went but I hate the idea that he's not 100% on this right now and it is happening. I know how worried and stressed out he'll be and I don't want him to think that I've "gotten my way".   I would NEVER try to get pregnant through sneaky means.

Basically I'm trying to figure out when and how to tell him.

Now I'm also realizing that I probably would have gotten pregnant a lot faster last year if I'd actually known when I ovulate because I obviously have no clue.  But that is neither here nor there.

Sorry for this ridiculously long and totally melodramatic post.

[Banana731]

I'm sorry, that's a stressful situation!

But take a deep breath. Present it to him simply. " I know that after discussing it, we decided to stop trying TTC until next year, but we did begin trying and it turns out that we were successful and now we're going to have a baby."

It's not your fault, you didn't get your way. He was an active party in TTC that night, he knew what was going on. And if your dh is a reasonable and supportive spouse (hopefully you wouldn't be having kids with someone who is not!) then he's going to be okay.

And fwiw, I LOVE the 3.5 year gap between my 3 girls. I think it's the perfect spacing

[ciga]

Thank you Banana,  I really appreciate your kind words.  DH is reasonable and supportive and deep down I know we'll be fine, it is just that moment where I know I have to tell him that our world is totally changing before we are ready for it that scares me.  I think I might use your exact words to tell him.  They made me feel calmer so hopefully they'll have that effect on him. 

Our neighbors kids are 3.5 years apart and they get along so well and are so sweet with each other (at least when I see them together).

Thanks again.  I'm already feeling a little less frantic
 

[TenzinsMama]

Hi, I just read your story on here and want to say that I feel for you! Let us know how it goes... I'm kind of in a similar situation, where DH isn't really saying he wants another but then he isn't adamantly saying 'no' either... and our bd'ing is reflecting that (at the fertile time, and so on). So we are actively trying, but then he doesn't seem that excited about it. When we are talking about having another one, it is mostly me doing the talking... Sounds like he will be okay--  maybe it's just that men generally need more time to process things, and they don't have that biological pull like we do when it comes to all of this.

[askins]

I think the fact that he has talked to your DS about being a big brother says a lot about the fact that he really does want another child, he's just stressed out by all this external stuff.  Most guys are really resilient and adaptable to this sort of thing, and I'm willing to bet that he will be actually thrilled, if not at the moment that you tell him, then shortly after. I know it seems really freaky being inside it, but from outside your situation looking in, I really do believe you guys are going to be just fine! 
 

[ciga]

Thank you ladies, I really appreciate the moral support.  I think I might tell him over the weekend.  Maybe this is a terrible idea but I was considering telling him a little white lie by saying that my period is a week late and I haven't tested yet.  For some reason, I feel like waiting for the test together might help.  Like I won't be telling him this definitive thing...the wondfo will.  It would give him a few minutes to process the possibility before he knows for sure.

Is that a bad idea?

[Banana731]

its harder to maintain a lie than to tell the truth,i think. we are more at ease when we are being honest. that being said, you know dh best.

i like to spring things on dh when he's sleepy in the morning. we're both still in bed, the kids arent annoying us yet, hes well rested. its like hes less tense then

[Stevi]

I agree that the truth is always the best. You could lead into it by asking if he remembers, asking you if you were pregnant the other night. Then tell him you didn't know it then, but you were. And give him the pregnancy tests.

Lies have a way of coming back to bite you in the butt, even little lies.

[ciga]

Thanks ladies,  I ended up telling him this morning before our son woke up. There was a lot of me crying and him trying to calm me down.  He felt really bad that I had been so nervous to tell him.  He reacted the way my heart told me he would I just had to get past my brain to get the words out.

Phew!  I feel so much lighter. 

[SparkleMaman]

Ciga didn't respond before but I've been thinking of you. So glad it worked out! Hugs mama. On to the due date clubs for you!

[Banana731]

That's a lovely end to your thread

[askins]

That is the way I thought (hoped) it would go!  Many congratulations, and I hope you are able to enjoy your pregnancy now!
 

[grisandole]

Congrats and I'm so happy he responded well!!!
 

[TenzinsMama]

Glad to hear of this!  Enjoy the next several months!

[ciga]

Thanks everyone!  I'm off to the Oct Due Date Club!

[Kindermama]

Happy Ending! Congrats!