DH with MAJOR labor/birth anxiety! « Back to Group Discussions

[BeanBean06]

So we've had a really complicated pregnancy. Emergency Surgery to place a cerclage at 18 weeks and strict bed rest for months and pre-term labor issues. So pretty much, my DH has been worried abt the baby and I for a long time...

I'm 32 weeks now and they are gonna remove my stitch in 3.5/4 weeks and then let little miss come when she pleases. (Ill also be off bed rest then too woohoo) as I get closer to delivery I feel more relaxed and confindent. I'VE made it through all this drama and will get to hold our girl soon! I occasionally have nerves abt labor itself and her well being but I am confident in myself and my ability to birth her.

My DH on the other hand is getting more and more anxious. To the point that the last few days he's been acting just really depressed! He works from home full time and the last week he has been oversleeping and not really getting dressed, not walking the dogs and just moping around here... So last night I got fed up and made him talk to me... He fought it at first and then the next thing I knew he was nearly sobbing and talking so fast he terrified I'm gonna die! DIE! And he's gonna be left to raise our daughter alone. Nd he isn't gonna be a good enough dad to do that! He is terrified to see me in so much pain, he's afraid he won't do what I need for him to do while I'm in labor, he's afraid he won't be good enough support, he's terrified the baby will come fast and we won't make it to the hospital... And then comes all the baby worries... He's scared something will happen to her, he's scared of this crazy love that he's gonna feel for her, and what that means for his life... To have someone you are responsible for FOREVER.... And on and on and on...

He cried and told me all this for over an hour. I honestly didn't say much! Tht has NEVER happened LOL and he's always been a sensitive guy, one of the reasons I fell in love with him... But I have NEVER seen more than a few tears... The sobbing bout near Broke.My.Heart.

I tried to reassure him... But I didn't really know what to say... I don't want him to be so scared, and I'm a afraid it will start to make me scared the closer we get...

Any advice? Anyone else go through anything similar with your Hubby?

[firespiritmelody]

Wow, that's a lot to take in. Poor guy's probably been holding that all in for a while.

My only advice would be to take it one topic at a time. Break it down into manageable parts. Have you guys thought at all about god-parents or who WOULD take care of Mira if something happened to the both of you? Maybe having a will will make him more comfortable. There are free templates you can download.

How about getting the hospital bag packed now, so it's ready just in case? Are you taking any classes (I think I remember that you are) if so, would he maybe want to talk to the instructor so that she can reassure him that lots of dads have the same fears and anxieties?

Maybe just saying it out loud will help too, sometimes the "holding it in" makes it worse.

[Cali2SC]

Wow Mama!    That is huge.  Poor guy!  That is a lot to hold in and be dealing with.  

Do you have a doula?  If you can find someone you like that might be able to take some of the pressure off your dh for the labor and delivery part.  A doula or your birth class instructor should also be able to help you form a birth plan and help you sort through all the unknowns.  This might reassure him that there is a plan and a back up plan and a back up plan for the back up plan and you and baby are going to be fine and well cared for.  They can also help with a post-partum plan so that you will be able to to be fed and rest while recovering.  

We also made a will and named who would become legal guardians of our children should something happen to both of us, when we had our first.  Not fun to think about, I know, but at least I know our kids would be in a good situation and my sister and brother in law will love them and be there for them.

My pregnancy has been labeled as high risk for different reasons and my dh has really been stepping up and doing everything.  But I know that this kind of stuff (added responsibility, seeing us suffer, worrying about their babies) really has to wear on our partners.  I they must feel like they have to hold so much in so that they can be strong for us.  Just a reminder to hug our wonderful partners.  When our dd was born I did arrange for dh to get a massage as a thank you for all he did.  I need to set up something like that again.

I hope the two of you are able to work through all of this anxiety before the big day!  You have done everything right to make sure that you and baby are healthy.  You will do great!

[sams_mama]

You know, it's actually a good time for him to be working through his feelings. Take the oppurtunity to continue the discussion and keep talking about your worries, and I bet you'll both feel more grounded and secure by the time labor starts!

My husband was very anxious about my first birth too, but I think he was more afraid that I was going to have to transfer from the birth center and that I was going to refuse or do something irrational. It really helped him to make a list of things that could happen and what we would do in response. I think he gained a lot of confidence in seeing that there are a lot of things that could happen, but most of them do not constitute *things going wrong.* It helped me a lot too. Also, I was just afraid of having to transfer from the birth center UNNECESSARILY. If there was an actual problem, of course I agree that the hospital is the best place to be. One he saw that I was completely in agreement with him about what we would do, we were both less anxious. Unfortunately, I don't have what we wrote anymore, but it was something like . . .

1. Water breaks while at work - 1) call MWs 2) come home or meet at birth center/hospital as instructed

2. Contractions start at work - 1) Call DH and have him pick up or get ride home with co-worker 2) call MWs when contractions are close enough 3) go to birth center/hospital as instructed

3. Water breaks and there is meconium - 1) call MWs and go to hospital

4. Pain is too much - 1) request transfer to hospital (if at birth center) or 2) call MWs and ask them to meet us at the hospital (if still at home)

5. Labor is fast/birth is precipitous - 1) Call MWs and do as instructed

He was also very afraid that he wouldn't be able to help me in labor. I made him a list of things he could do and say (based on something we were given in birth class) that I thought would help. He had that list, so if I couldn't say or didn't know what I needed, he would still know some things to try. As it was, he was PERFECT. I needed him most for counter-pressure for back labor. He beautifully timed packing the car, walking the dog a last time, getting a quick snack before leaving, grabbing some barf bags on the way out the door and driving to the birth center. Then he made sure I was drinking throughout labor and was generally supportive and encouraging. I couldn't have done it without him! Encourage your husband that he *will* know what you need at the time. He has supported you well through this pregnancy, and he's not going to stop now!

[BeanBean06]

Thank you ladies for the encouragement and suggestions! He seems to be handling things a little better now since our talk... But still a ball of nerves lol but I am trying to continue to reassure him that what he is feeling is normal, even though it makes him feel crazy! We also have a lot of money issues with me not being able to work since September... He feels responsible for that too, since he's the man and should be making more money to provide for us... He works so hard. He's doing the best he can and he's in graduate school too, so he'll def be making alot more in another yr or so... It sure is a lot, this whole "having a baby" thing LOL I know we will be fine... Sometimes I'd like to just fast forward through the next few months lol

[BeanBean06]

Also we haven't made a will... We have talked about it a lot but there really isn't anyone we can come up with that we would feel comfortable raising our child if we both died... I know we have to come up with a plan for her just in case... But it's hard when there really isn't anyone lol

[firespiritmelody]

Originally Posted by BeanBean06 

Also we haven't made a will... We have talked about it a lot but there really isn't anyone we can come up with that we would feel comfortable raising our child if we both died... I know we have to come up with a plan for her just in case... But it's hard when there really isn't anyone lol

We're in the same boat, and our oldest is 13. We have a fair amount of family in the area but no one is really capable of handling the kids full-time if something were to happen to us. My mom lives alone and her house is NOT kid safe, my IL's are older and my MIL has many health issues. I'm an only child and all my cousins etc are out of state. My husband's older sister's husband is bipolar and is a great guy but has to be medicated and that would make me nervous for long term care, they also have *very* different religious beliefs from us. His younger sister, while she's finally starting to grow up, certainly isn't there yet. She's very self centered. We have no close friends either. So, yeah, I know exactly how you feel.

[BeanBean06]

Originally Posted by firespiritmelody 


We're in the same boat, and our oldest is 13. We have a fair amount of family in the area but no one is really capable of handling the kids full-time if something were to happen to us. My mom lives alone and her house is NOT kid safe, my IL's are older and my MIL has many health issues. I'm an only child and all my cousins etc are out of state. My husband's older sister's husband is bipolar and is a great guy but has to be medicated and that would make me nervous for long term care, they also have *very* different religious beliefs from us. His younger sister, while she's finally starting to grow up, certainly isn't there yet. She's very self centered. We have no close friends either. So, yeah, I know exactly how you feel.

Lol yes!!! That's pretty much us... We have lived in our town for almost 5 yrs and still don't really have any close friends... My mom passed away a few years back. My step-dad is disabled and cares for my disabled brother. My dad and step-mom completely share religious beliefs with us (which is super important to us) but are just about the furthest you can get from attachment parenting... They CIO, spank (alot)...ect. Where as my inlaws share our parenting style but are not religious at all! Like my fil won't even come to church when we get the baby dedicated.... Ugh. All my siblings are under 21. And my husbands only brother is an ASS and a horrible father. So yeah. Who knows what we'll come up with...