3Yo defiant, independent,needy and demanding

[sugarpop]

I am losing it. my dd is testing my limitss and I failing to parent the way I had envisioned it. I have torepeat all requests three times. time out is not effective. she makes me threaten before reacting. I tell her no and she does it any way. I feel likeI have to break her spirit to get through. she is in constant motion, pinging from one thing to the next. it is overwhelming and frustrating. I losemy temper and yell. I am not the sweet gentle angelic mother I should be. I am a ranting raving lunatic that hardly smiles.

so I recognize that my reaction to her behavior isn't acceptable. now...how do I fix us? how do I know if pinging is normal? is she bored?does she ignore me because I am notparenting correctly?or is that par for the course? I feel like I haveto break her spirit to get her attention, make her sad that I am mad...I don't want her to be sad. I don't want her to behave so I am not mad. I just want to say no you can not have a yogurt, you haven't finished the granola bar and for her to finish her granola bar. not for her to run to the fridge and get the yogurt out any how then show me she has it.

I just don't know what is normal for her or for me. my mom was a screamer...how do I unlearn that

[newmamalizzy]

Originally Posted by sugarpop 

I am losing it. my dd is testing my limitss and I failing to parent the way I had envisioned it. I have torepeat all requests three times. time out is not effective. she makes me threaten before reacting. I tell her no and she does it any way. I feel likeI have to break her spirit to get through. she is in constant motion, pinging from one thing to the next. it is overwhelming and frustrating. I losemy temper and yell. I am not the sweet gentle angelic mother I should be. I am a ranting raving lunatic that hardly smiles.

so I recognize that my reaction to her behavior isn't acceptable. now...how do I fix us? how do I know if pinging is normal? is she bored?does she ignore me because I am notparenting correctly?or is that par for the course? I feel like I haveto break her spirit to get her attention, make her sad that I am mad...I don't want her to be sad. I don't want her to behave so I am not mad. I just want to say no you can not have a yogurt, you haven't finished the granola bar and for her to finish her granola bar. not for her to run to the fridge and get the yogurt out any how then show me she has it.

I just don't know what is normal for her or for me. my mom was a screamer...how do I unlearn that

Well, if it's any help, this sounds an awful lot like life with my almost-three year old right now.  The "pinging" in particular caught my eye.  My daughter makes my head spin lately.  She asks for one thing, and as I start to get that set up for her she asks for something completely different over and over and over again until I'm completely confused.  I think this is the hardest part for me because it really messes with my own sense of clarity and calm when I have this little non-stop-talking-person pulling my head this way and that all day.  A few things I've found helpful so far:

*  Follow through.  I mean....REALLY follow through.  I thought that I was following through on the things I said to her until I reached this stage, and I realized that I'm not, really.  I think the difference is that that second chance used to always work, but now she's so stubborn that we're moving on to third and fourth and fifth chances for stuff, or talking about it endlessly...So I've mostly stopped giving second chances. 

*  My DD can be inspired by immediate logical consequences.  We used to to "If you don't put your shoes on, we can't go to the store."  Now what works best is "If you don't put your shoes on, you'll have to go out without shoes."  Or "If you don't let me help you put on your shirt, I won't help you put on her shirt."  I know that sounds ridiculous, but it hits her where it counts - in her sense of rigidity, and things having to be a certain way.

*  Be more playful.  This is absolutely the hardest thing for me to do, but when I can do it, we have better days.  I actually HATE playing, and playing along with DD's pretend play stuff is sooooooo trying for me.  But I've developed this whiny child persona that I use now when we play, and it's making things a lot easier.  Plus I get to give DD a little taste of her own medicine!!! 

* Get out more.  I realized I had kind of stopped doing stuff because DD was so difficult to get along with.  I'm forcing the outings to happen, getting DD out to see more kids, getting myself out to see more grown-ups, and it's helping.

I still snapped and yelled at her today.  It's tough stuff, and I understand how you feel. 

[marsupial-mom]

Sounds a lot like my 3 year old.

Sometimes I yell too but I try not to. I try to remember he's only three. His brain is still developing and right now he can only reason as well as my dog. He literally doesn't know any better.

I try to step out when I want to yell. Take a break, or at least a breath.

Remember that when he's most difficult it's probably something physical - he's hungry, he's tired, he's sick or hurt.

Lots of hugs. Keep the connection strong. Remind him and myself how much I love him.

Bribery. It works. It might not be the best parenting technique but in a pinch it's 100 times better than yelling or spanking.

He's three. Soon he'll be four and five and then... 16. This too shall pass.

[sageowl]

Three IS tough--I think it makes two seem easy-breezy...  I had to come up with a whole new game plan when my DS turned three.  I read a funny book about toddler development recently that basically said, "Send them to preschool when they turn three--you'll want them back again when they turn four." ;-)

Thinking of every kid I've ever known, they were usually hideous at three, and delightful at four.  So when DS is driving me nuts, I just keep telling myself he'll only be three for 365 days...364 days...363 days...

[mamazee]

Three is when they really start wanting autonomy. They work to break apart from you and control their own lives. They create power struggles on purpose and fight over even little thigns to the death. It can be maddening.

The desire behind the power struggles is a desire for autonomy. If you can give them some autonomy, it can relieve some of the power struggles, although to some extent this is what this age looks like and you're likely to get a bit of it no matter what. But when they aren't fighting for autonomy, for me it seemed to be not such a big deal. Also, when you aren't fighting over little things (like whether they should wear long sleeves or short sleeves today), it isn't as maddening when you have to fight over the big things (like sitting in a car seat.)

I would let them choose their own clothes, put on their own clothes, choose their own cup and plate (put their stuff where they can reach it), get own their own snack, get whatever they can get by themselves. If you think  they need a sweater and they don't want to wear one, just let them wear what they want and carry the sweater along. What they wear is a big deal for them because they want to be in charge of themselves. And also, start getting them doing little jobs, like chores. It makes them feel grown up and autonomous and can help. Help them pick up, but make sure they're getting used to picking up after themselves even if you're helping. Have them help sort laundry. Whatever you can come up with. They like to feel useful too and doing work can help with that.

[sageowl]

Seconds what mamazee said about the autonomy thing:  I find that my DS has better days when I give him LOTS of choices. 

Since he's at an age where he wants to do almost everything himself, I try to remember to include him more (in doing stuff around the house).  His favorite expression right now is "I want to do it."  So, whenever I do anything, lately, I've been asking him, "Do you want to help mama do (whatever)?"  It's kind of become a game at the moment:  Who gets to feed the dog?  Who gets to open/shut the door.  Who gets to turn the lights off.  Who gets to go outside first.  Who is going to put this in the trash can?  Little piddly things that I wouldn't have even thought about before, but I keep him so busy with having to make all these small choices that it really does seem to SOAK up  some of the need to have these huge power struggles over the things where it matters more to me.  He gets so happy about being the one who gets to do all this little stuff, that it kinda sucks up the energy he was using to fight things like eating dinner, taking a bath, putting away toys, etc.  And I am a lot less stressed out, and kinda appreciate having the extra pair of hands.