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DH Refusing to Commit to No-Spank Rule - Page 2

post #21 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama Amie View Post

Just another quick update on this thread:

 

DH made good on his promise not to spank, but I did suspect he used the belt as a prop to get cooperation, as in a nonverbal threat.  That was discussed, and he revised his vow to not use CP, and also not use threats of any kind regarding CP.  

 

He also is now open to counseling, so we are setting up an appointment right now.  I really hope it helps.  WHile he has made huge strides in his disciplinary approach and relationship with DS, he and I are still on shaky ground.  I realized it was a problem when it took me 3 WEEKS and another MDC thread just to figure out how to approach him about the perceived threat.  I realized I was leaving too much unsaid, in general, to keep the peace around here.  His triggers are few, but very strong.  One wrong word or stepping in at the wrong moment can make for a disastrous day or week, in terms of our family dynamic and household morale.  Even though major blow-outs were only happening 2-3 times per year, it also coincides with my willingness to be assertive.  I think things would have been a lot more unpleasant had I not learned to keep my damn mouth shut.  Moving forward, I am no longer willing to keep my damn mouth shut, but need to make sure he and I are both equipped to "fight fair" and not turn into a silent but hostile environment.  Fingers crossed that counseling will help us work through this.  Feeling ever grateful that he is so loving and compassionate in his relationship with the kids.  Those relationships are the most important, regardless of our future as a couple.

 

 

I just saw this post, sorry: but good for you. Keep your damn mouth open:-)  Sounds like you got a live one.  I tell my husband, his job as husband doesn't end when he walks in the door.

All the best.

post #22 of 35
Just wanted to say good luck - sounds like you have a lot of love and willingness to work on things which is the best foundation. It took me and dp 10 years to figure out what really makes us tick and we are rock solid. Respect can grow out of love
post #23 of 35
My folks threatened the belt when we were really naughty, but I think it only ever cs out once on my brother - who at that point was like 17. I'm glad you came to a good agreement.
post #24 of 35
Mama Amie,

You are so brave. Almost crying reading this. So much admiration for how you stuck up for your children.

My dad hit me with a belt when I was a kid. I have never forgotten the wounds it left in me. He died a few years ago. I loved him so much, but I still struggle to forgive him. It has really affected my life. As a child I was really afraid of him, and I never really stopped being afraid of him. Now I am married and get afraid of my husband if he frowns at me. I'm working on it.

I would never leave someone alone with my kids if I thought they would hit them. The only way that would happen would be over my dead body.

Big big hugs to you. <3
post #25 of 35
Thread Starter 
Wow! Thanks so much for all the support and encouragement. Having this arena for tossing out issues and ideas to process has done wonders for my strength and confidence in making some very important decisions.

It turns out that we have irreconcilable differences, and we had a talk last night that ended with me putting us in the road to separation. We're taking the slow route, since there's no saved money and no one is in danger. I believe he has turned away from spanking and threats, and have seen firsthand how much effort and positive growth he has put into his relationship with DS. Unfortunately, that is as far as his commitment to change lies. Our marriage is just a blanket to cover our kids in traditional cultural views, which is of no interest to me. I'm looking for weekend and evening work, then we plan to seek separate apartments in the same complex. I feel positive about this shift, though it will certainly be hard. The weight of repression (be it his or my own doing) has lifted and I feel so light and free. That can't be bad, right?
post #26 of 35
No of course it's not bad. The key is exactly what you said, that you feel a weight has been lifted. That means you're moving in the right direction.
post #27 of 35
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama Amie View Post

Wow! Thanks so much for all the support and encouragement. Having this arena for tossing out issues and ideas to process has done wonders for my strength and confidence in making some very important decisions.

It turns out that we have irreconcilable differences, and we had a talk last night that ended with me putting us in the road to separation. We're taking the slow route, since there's no saved money and no one is in danger. I believe he has turned away from spanking and threats, and have seen firsthand how much effort and positive growth he has put into his relationship with DS. Unfortunately, that is as far as his commitment to change lies. Our marriage is just a blanket to cover our kids in traditional cultural views, which is of no interest to me. I'm looking for weekend and evening work, then we plan to seek separate apartments in the same complex. I feel positive about this shift, though it will certainly be hard. The weight of repression (be it his or my own doing) has lifted and I feel so light and free. That can't be bad, right?

 

Feeling light and free with kids to raise is a feeling I can't imagine.  Also, I don't think something is right just because it feels right.  However, that said, it sounds like you and your husband are both equally committed to the kids, and that's great and if you will be living close by and truly need to get on with your own lives separately. I was devastated when my parents divorced largely because they decided the divorce included an end to coparenting or even being around each others.   Me, I stick in my marriage because I want a partner who won't leave my side and am just happiest being married.  We made an agreement before we were married that if we separated after we had kids we would never ever live with nor marry other people until the kids were adults themselves.  I really admire people who can be happy single.  I wish you all the very best.  

post #28 of 35
Thinking that sometimes we railroad our men into going along with our view of raising kids without showing respect to their beliefs ( not neccessarily agreeing) I think a lot of men want to do the right thing but have a fear that the kinder methods won't work and we'll raise brats. Maybe people outside the family have seen kids behaving less than ideally and made comment. Men like to fix things - I don't think any of us should back down and allow our kids to be hit but some of the posts above come from a petty and disrespectful place. I want my husband to be on board because he understands and respects my views and I think treating dh like a child is asking for trouble. I expect to be listened to,understood and respected in my own home and I think my dh deserves the same. Sorry to rant but some of the earlier posts made me cross
post #29 of 35
Thread Starter 
Beautifully put, moving toward! Thank you for your perspective. I couldn't agree more. I don't want to bully anyone out of behaving like a bully. That just smacks of hypocrisy.
post #30 of 35

If you don't like or agree with an opinion, joke, comment, or otherwise, I think indirect moral condescension is rather passive aggressive and hypocritical.  

post #31 of 35
Thread Starter 
You also have a very good point there, Demeter.
post #32 of 35
Thread Starter 
At the risk of sounding like a wishy-washy goo-brain, I need to retract part of my previous statement, sort of. What I felt- feeling free and lightened- was a small part if a bigger picture. I realized that I am just coming through a major emotional and philosophical growth spurt. I'll just go ahead and lay it on the table, and maybe someone else can benefit from my experience.

It occurred to me that much of my frustration right now hinges on my feeling like I don't get as much positive adult social interaction as I'd like, but I struggle with the notion of going out and away from the family without being productive. Thus, having a job could likely fulfill my desires while earning us some savings.

I also know it may be very difficult for me to heal/reconcile my discontent of my identity and our relationship, but maybe working will help resolve whatever resentment and inequality I have been perceiving in our current dynamic. With this knowledge, I hesitate to call it all water under the bridge (for fairness to us both- we both have some things to work through and forgive if we hope to stay together). So I would like to establish a sort of "just in case fund" with a portion of my income, to help transition should we part ways. I don't feel good about leaving our lease or selling our car, and I don't want to make a hasty move that could impoverish us all. Instead, that savings account, in my name, could accrue for the remainder of our lease ( and however much longer beyond). If we manage to come through this rough spot together, we'll have some savings to put by for our next home or kids' college, or whatever. Do you see how this seems like it could be working for the best no matter what? It sure feels that way to me right now.

I feel a bit foolish for not making this connection sooner, but we are just now getting to a place, since youngest (and final) child's birth, that me getting work could happen without childcare. It had me feeling so trapped, helpless, useless, and isolated from the adult world all around me. I seem to thrive on social interaction, but have lost interest in most things "adult recreational"- especially in the evenings. It was just so thick and tenacious that I couldn't see through it.

I deeply wish I had a better ability to rise above and see beyond my own disempowerment, waning determination and perceived repression. I feel strongly that a breakthrough is happening, a paradigm shift toward the new me I am growing into. It's like puberty all over again, and I have so often felt powerless to stop this runaway train of piss and gunpowder that I have been. I feel like I've shattered my dusty old glass cell, and it feels amazing.

My husband is not abusive, nor am I. We both have some really rough times on occasion, and we somehow find our way back to level and loving space. I know that snippets of information can make him look bad, but the same could be said for me.

If some of you have similar stories of adult puberty/growth spurts, do you have ways of recognizing that you are in your "awkward phase" that help ease that transition?
post #33 of 35
Think of the awkward phase as if you were in a cocoon. When you come out you will have wings. <3 Good luck! It's always okay to recognize where you are from moment to moment. Nothing wishy-washy about that.
post #34 of 35
Thread Starter 
Thanks, and agreed! I need to learn how to recognize the onset, rather than being a mixed up struggling mess until I can see my little wing buds emerging. smile.gif
post #35 of 35

Mama, as to this, I appreciate the insight you share and will learn from it what I can.  You are a few years ahead of me on the mom front and I won't be surprised if I find myself in a similar situation to you.  I moved across the country to be with my husband  about 7 years ago and absolutely immersed myself into his culture and ways and pretty much cut off my former life. I tell myself I was meant to do it because that's how I got my baby, but the truth is that I took a road I thought would protect me from my worst fears-but didn't.  The day will come when I need to get back out of this shell, so I relate to that and hope it won't be at the expense of my marriage or anything, but it will no doubt be a bumpy ride.

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