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[sgsnyder]

Hi everybody! (Sorry, this is long. I totally got carried away.)

I'm Susie. I'm 38+1, and I've been lurking on my phone for a few weeks since I didn't know how to join and post. I hardly get onto a real computer these days, but I managed to tonight and realized that joining forums isn't mobile-friendly. Ooh, I get it!

I'm a FTM, hoping for a birthing center experience, and am lucky enough to be delivering within the practice owned by one of the very midwives that was present at my own birth (at my parents' house, 27 years ago). I love both of my midwives, but I'm crossing my fingers that the owner will be on call when I'm laboring since it'd be a cool full-circle thing!

I've really enjoyed reading your stories and experiences and supportive comments to each other. I was craving a community like this so desperately, after thinking for most of my pregnancy that the only groups out there were for a different kind of momma (cough-babycenter-cough; all of those willingly-highly-medicalized births and generally negative and dramatic posts). It's refreshing to come here and feel instantly comforted by thoughts so similar to my own, and be inspired by ideas for research that I hadn't considered, and feel like I kinda know all of you nice gals in some strange capacity already.

I've been starting to feel kind of funky, emotionally. I've been pretty darn stable the whole pregnancy, but last night I felt weirdly introspective, but couldn't figure out why or how - and today it spiraled down. My DH surprised me by coming to my midwife appt today, but a few things happened there that cut me open. First, there was another husband in the waiting room as we were quietly discussing vaccines. Unsolicited, this guy gives his opinions, and then justifies them because "he's a nurse and he likes to help out when he can." DH didn't notice the ice-cold glare I was giving him or the other dude, and he chimed in, all, "Ha, I told you so!" Ugh. Second, during our actual appointment, both DH and our midwife ganged up on me while I was asking (perfectly normal) questions, saying, "Oh, anyone can write something on the internet," and basically criticizing me for not understanding when interventions are actually needed (not true, I get it; I just like to know everything about them) and telling me I'm a control freak. They both softened when I started crying, at least. I almost feel like I'm PMSing - I needed junk food all day, and I've felt hurt and vulnerable ever since. And crampy. On the plus side, at least I'm finally getting noticeable (practice) laborish feelings! (Midwife actually pointed out a BH contraction for me while she palpated, since I hadn't felt/noticed/distinguished them from baby movements yet.) I also have noticed funny cervical-area pinches and some round ligament pains (for the first time since the first trimester) today, which is all new.

Midwife chatted with me a little more: basically said that I need to deal with my control issues so that I can have a smooth labor. Yeah, I know! I've had this all of my grown life - how can I fix this in a matter of days/weeks? I ran to prenatal yoga tonight feeling raw and helpless, and sobbed in "share time." So grateful to have local ladies that "get it" and let me take up their energy. Everyone agrees that journaling is the way to go. I'll do it, but for the babe. It's one of those things that I can't justify for myself. Won't. Will, someday, hopefully.

I work 45 hours/wk as a nanny/cook/housekeeper/personal asst/secretary for a high-need single mom and her two young boys (one with Asperger's), and my control issues are what help me do my job well. I'm working 'til I go into labor, so I don't know how to balance this. Also, I've been wasting all of my nesting energy on HER house, and have nothing left for my sad, nowhere-near-ready, list-a-mile-long apartment.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. All of this was really just to say that I'm happy to be here and I've enjoyed reading what you all have to say! <3

Just for fun: I'm vegan, have struggled to gain a whole 15 lbs (on a good day) and haven't had a single.stinking.craving. I'm tempted to make something up just for the experience. Anyone else?

[loveandgarbage]

Welcome to the DDC! I think we've all been feeling emotional these days. Totally normal and expected!

[katiesophie]

Welcome mama!  I'm sorry felt ganged up on today.  I know where you are coming from, there are a lot of emotional mamas these days.  

Today DH was mad that I moved his book ("hid it from him") a couple times today.  I broke down, crying and yelling about all the things I have been doing to get ready in addition to growing a baby!  We had a good hug session and I feel much better. 

Is there anyway you can cut your hours back a little to do some things for yourself?  Or give DH a few things on the list to take care of?

I was telling DH he got off easy this pregnancy, no 2 am runs to the store for my cravings :)

[typebug]

Welcome! I agree with katiesophie, it would be so helpful for you to get to have a little time away from your job and feel like you have more time to prepare yourself. I need to be crazy organized in order to relax and let things happen. I try not to label that because it's who I am! So you go girl, get as organized and informed as you need to be. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. I hope you are feeling more supported and ready to greet baby soon! 

[etsdtm99]

Welcome!

I too have been accused of having 'control issues'  - sure, there is some compromise needed - for me, its accepting help when i need it (even if the help isn't the way i'd do it ;) ) but for the most part, my 'control issues' are what make me able to do what i do! (SAH, homeschooling mom of going on 4)  - i'm so sorry they ganged up on you!!  it is completely normal to be emotional right now too.. i know we're all dealing with that! i had a really emotional day yesterday after my midwife appt, they always make me feel pressured to have a baby! (i'm 39+3 or 5 depending on which due date we use) they don't mean to, it just happens and i end up wanting to cry the rest of the day cause i can't do anything to make this baby come out!  hope you can find some help (or at least peace) getting your list done!
 

[kellybeth]

welcome to the group susie! 

i'm vegan, too, and in my last trimester i haven't had any cravings other than lemon in my water. it's really the only way i'll drink water now. i did go through a point around 37 weeks when absolutely no food appealed to me and i lost 3 pounds which worried my doctor a bit. there are a few of us mamas who talked about this same thing, not really wanting to eat. 

it's hard to find a balance when you're a nanny/housekeeper- i gave that job up in my second trimester since i was way too emotional to cope with the boys and my own home and my business. my husband also works for the family. i hope that you can find a way to be at peace with your home and work life. if you block out some hours for yourself maybe that could be a way to start nudging into your own nest so you won't feel so overwhelmed. 

journaling is a good thing! i bought a 5 year journal, so i only have to write a line or two each day-i've had it for 3 years. some days i fill it up and some days just have a single word. it does help on some level, but you're also full of hormones right now and that's okay! as far as other people's opinions on vax- that's exactly what they are. other people's opinions. you do what you as a mama want to do and follow your gut and heart. the dr. sears book on vaccinations is very helpful to my hubby and i as we navigate our way through the learning process. we're first-time parents as well.

sending love your way 

[HouseofPeace]

welcome!!!

as all of the lovely ladies above said, the emotions are totally NORMAL.  as is everything else you seem to be hearing....  as for the control thing.... i'm also w/ the mamas who are saying that there's a level of dedication/control that makes some of us more independent and capable of doing the crazy things we do.  number 5 is on the way (and husband is teasing me that i can't relax w/ out midwife around to catch baby, or w/out her since i don't trust him to catch.....) and i homeschool, and do health counseling as well as admin work for a farm and a raw milk group (up until births and starting around 3 months PP if i take time off).  

the introversion thing is huge and for me necessary for labor.  it's the way i handle pain, and my body being taken over by another person!  so it's a great sign that you're preparing by turning there.

rest well, and you are NOT alone!  vaccines, birth choices, interventions, everyone will have an opinion that is absolute and yours will not be right.  for all FTM's- i want to give them a blank book and say 'write down what you read that hits your heart, and write down everything you feel that you cannot find in books.' b/c i think your intuition and maternal instincts are key to raising your child.  looking back, i made some very very unpopular decisions that now i am so glad i made- and they were purely gut feeling, not 'logical' (though they were also that, just a slightly different way of thinking), and my children are blessed because i did listen to my heart!  

[Jenny01]

Welcome to the group!

[MaybeJ]

I don't have much else to add to what the wise women above have said but welcome to the group! 

[sgsnyder]

Oh, gosh! You gals are the best. I didn't have time to reply until now but I checked on my phone a few times and was really uplifted by your comments. I'm so glad I found you! Thanks for your sweet, supportive words. I'm really glad to know that this wonky emotional state is normal. The junk food thing has totally continued, too - I feel like I'm just filled with sugar and salt, but I'm not ready to stop yet. (Gross! Fun!)

katiesophie, so sorry to hear about your husband's silly book-moving accusations! Not what you need. Glad you guys could hug it out, and I hope that he's been gentler with you since.

For some reason, I've been really resistant to cutting back my hours. I've been so worked up about saving money for my leave (we're shooting for three months, and my employer surprised us with a month of paid time off from her... really, we should be fine, but money just freaks.me.out.) because I make way more than my husband and I'll only be going back part-time, if that, when I'm ready to work again. I know it's silly, because baby could come any day now, but I've been hero-ing it out and taking whatever hours I can. Now that I write it, it sounds silly. I should at least be more insistent on taking Fridays off - she does offer, after all, before she retracts and asks me to come in. Maybe I'll make up for it by taking a random day off this week, just to be rebellious.

typebug, I really like the idea of not labeling the control thing. I've always had a hard time identifying myself as a control freak, so I kind of got my hackles up when my midwife used that wording. I think you're right - it's just about being informed and organized. I feel way better when I have a clear view of things - especially the first go-around. I'm going to try to get my worries down on paper today, and maybe try to corral all of my loose important papers so that they're available when the time comes.

etsdtm99, uuuughhhh, I know! Letting someone else do one of those long-awaited (or long-mulled-over) tasks "for" us is so rarely the favor that they think it is. I mean, the thought is so sweet, but I really just wish I had infinite energy and time so that I could do it all myself, the way I want. Bless you, homeschooling mama of (nearly) four! Control doesn't come easy in your situation. I'm so sorry about the pressure you're feeling from your midwife, too! I hope your LO comes peacefully and soon, so that you can enjoy new mama-babyhood again and be free of that anxiety.

kellybeth, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one with minimal/nonexistent cravings! I've decided it must be a good thing, that I've somehow gotten all of my nutritional needs met, so I'm not wanting anything crazy. Lemon water just sounds good - and it helps you keep your fluids up! I've given up on worrying about my weight - I was sick for a solid month after Christmas (flu, then respiratory infection, then stomach virus) and lost about eight pounds with each new illness, so I had a really hard time keeping anything on. I still hover at about 10 pounds gained, which is fine - the rest of my body seems to have slimmed down (with the exception of the past few days, as I'm bloated from my junk-food binging!) so I know that all of the weight has gone to my belly.

Whew! Your own business and nannying/housekeeping (and pregnant)? I'm so glad you cut back! Sounds like you know how to manage your time and space and emotional health, and I so applaud that. Yours is another testament to writing - I really need to get on it!

HouseofPeace, I just want to say that I've loved seeing your cute kidlet's picture every time you post. It's the sweetest thing! Also, thanks for the encouragement to relax into the need for control. You're amazing with all that you do! I understand how important it is to feel on top of things, especially when so many balls are in the air.

 vaccines, birth choices, interventions, everyone will have an opinion that is absolute and yours will not be right.  for all FTM's- i want to give them a blank book and say 'write down what you read that hits your heart, and write down everything you feel that you cannot find in books.' b/c i think your intuition and maternal instincts are key to raising your child.

YES. Thank you, thank you for that. That's it, I'm journaling today. (I have two - one catchall for my own thoughts and notes and menus and lists, and another one, TO my baby and all about her and the pregnancy. There's a lot to say to each.)

Thanks again for the warm welcome. I think you'd all be proud: today and tomorrow, DH and I have nothing on our plates other than apartment cleaning, nesting projects, and self-care (a bath! something healthy to eat! writing!). I don't kid myself by thinking we'll get everything ready for baby, but just having the time available is giving me a huge sense of relief. It's nearly noon and I haven't done anything yet - aside from eating leftover pizza and hot cocoa for breakfast - and it feels utterly blissful.

Happy baby thoughts to all!