I'm about 2 months away from birthing my third child, after a traumatic experience with my second child's birth. (Described in a previous thread.) At first I was completely determined to have a c-section, but with the support of a very understanding doula friend, I'm now trying to prepare for a vaginal birth. In my previous two pregnancies, I felt calm and confident. This time I'm trying to 'trust birth' but I have to admit that I'm struggling with a lot of fears and mistrust of caregivers. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it because I feel so much more stressed now that I'm not planning a c-section anymore. In the daytime I feel like I can cope, but if I wake up at night I feel overwhelmed thinking about having to face that feeling of being exhausted and trapped and violated and powerless.
Could anyone recommend some good resources, books or on-line, for preparing for a birth after undergoing birth trauma? I also have a history of sexual abuse, so resources specifically dealing with that would also be appreciated. I have been reading hypnobirthing literature but there are no classes available in my area, and I would not be comfortable in a group setting. There are also no counsellors in my area specializing in birth trauma, so that is not an option.