I haven't contacted the midwife that I really liked yet. I'm kind of trying to process and weigh my options before I reach out to her. Also, part of me feels like I'm going behind mom's back to ask dad instead, because the cranky woman is supposed to deal with the financial aspect. So I guess I feel like maybe I'd be overstepping boundries to bring it up with the other owner? But maybe that is just silly. My emotions are all over the place these days.
But the financial thing isn't just due to this one midwifery practice. I also contacted a midwife whose name I found here on mothering, and explained my situation to her. She said that she accepts one reduced-fee client per term, and that she has not taken one on yet this term so she would be available. But she also said that for $3,000 she would essentially be paying to attend my birth--what with having to travel to me for prenatals, getting a sitter to watch her own child, and the fee she pays her assistant. She told me that the first place I spoke to uses midwifery students as assistants, so they don't have to pay them, but she uses a certified midwife and pays her $1,000. So I understand her financial situation, and was grateful that she was willing to take me on, but I heard a lot of hesitation in her voice and knowing that she would take a financial hit to help me out was just too guilt-inducing.
This whole process has made me realize how many hangups I have regarding money. I place a lot of my self worth in how much money I have in the bank or how much debt I have. I grew up poor as the eldest of 8 children. As soon as I turned 18 I moved half way across the country on my own and supported myself while putting myself through university (and getting deeply into debt in the process!) Part of it was my need for independence and self-reliance, but there was also a side of me that felt almost spiteful or defiant about it. I still haven't figured it out completely, but I know that I have always had problems accepting financial help, even from my own parents. I feel like no one can control or manipulate me when I'm financially independent, but I also feel like I have a sense that I just don't DESERVE help either. Or like, if I receive help then I'm indebted to the one giving it. I have a lot of issues of shame and guilt surrounding money (or rather, lack thereof) that I didn't really realize I had. This process is triggering them, unfortunately.