Let me start off by saying that I am here for support. However, I know that many (or even nobody) will not understand what I am going through. I have become a terrible daughter. I try to justify it but I know it I guess.
I can't stand my mom. She was neglectful of me as a child and abused drugs and went from relationship to relationship. She would let me do whatever I wanted and I had holes in my shoes and underwear (and not because she couldn't afford to buy new ones). Any time I tried to confront her she would claim I had mental illness, etc. She had me institutionalized twice before sending me away to stay with an aunt who was neglectful of her own children. Eventually, she kicked me out of the house. From age 11 to 14 I lived with my dad then tried again to be back with her. By 15 I was mostly living on my own and by 16 I was on the other side of the country. I attempted suicide and was hospitalized within the year; she did not come to see me. She did not give a word of support. She tried to find 'programs' for me.
My mom did neglect more than what I have summarized on, but I prefer to not share all of it.
Since I have been a teenager, my mom and I have been on again/off again in our relationship, she most typically being the one who storms off or tells me to get lost. Last year she cussed me out in front of my husband and infant son in front of our house before abtruptly driving off the day before christmas.
My mom is a very dark, cynical, and intelligent woman. She is uncofmortable/embarrassed by any big displays of affection/enthusiasm/emotional endearment and is what most would describe as a tough lady. She rarely apologized for anything and my other family members would describe her as incredibly defensive when she even suspects she is being confronted about things.
Since I was a young adult, my mom has cut off all contact with her father and four siblings, and in fact did not even know her dad passed away until a few months later. She casually metioned to me that grandpa had passed as if he were a distant relative. I have probed to understand of there was some kind of abuse going on and from what I can tell there wasn't; she just disconnects from people when they make her mad instead of resolving it.
My mom almost never, ever has anything positive to say about anyone she knows, especially family members, and almost never about me. Any enthusiasm she has is prepubescent-like and usually involved with an idea or rebellious topic, such as how to cuss out a church lady.
She is like a dysnfunctional 14 year old girl, basically, and since the age of 6, when she cried over my dad leaving us, I have felt like I am the mom and she is the child.
My mom has stopped her substance abuses but still smokes a lot and is constantly in turmoil. She is a (not clinically diagnosed) paranoid cyberchondriac. Any time I have tried to help her, it has blown up in my face. She becomes hostile, defensive, and I often go around her feeling like I have done something bad or wrong. I am often labeled a monster or control freak because I do get freaked out worrying about her. Sometimes I do freak out and yell. She makes impulsive irrational decisions that put her in danger and me in charge, then gets upset when I am angry about it.
The last time she visited me, I could not understand why she did not lift so much as a finger to help me around the house when she came to visit. She never did. I had an infant and was the one cooking for her and she didn't even take her plate to the sink. She claimed it was her shoulder or neck bothering her. She says she has chronic pain and I believe her, but I do wonder what amount of it is brought on by her mental health. She never ever drinks water, never exercizes unless it's to go dancing a few times a month, hardly ever socializes or leaves the house, eats the worst diet I have ever seen (example: skip breakfast, store-bought muffins at lunch and then a handful of cashews for dinner and will have 6 diet Dr Peppers throughout the day followed by a little ice cream for dessert). She stays up until dawn and sleeps until noon.
She clearly has some mental health problem and has never been helped with them. My mom could claim much of the behavior above is health related and often does; but the reason I suspect it's not is
because she has behaved like this since I've known her. She is not comfortable talking about her 'weaknesses' unless somebody else is to blame. She is very into the blame game.
My mom also has no sense of protection about me whatsoever, and has exposed me to things I should not have been around. She has no problem smoking in front of me even though I am pregnant, and when she is suffering I get to hear every detail. It's not out of direct hostility, but just a failure to even register what she is supposed to do. She will immediately disconnect emotionally with me if I upset her. She just doesn't understand that a mother isn't supposed to do that. She will put her own wellbeing first and has done so on numerous occasions.
A few years ago my mom got herself stranded in her RV in the middle of nowhere with no cash for gas to get back toward where she lived. She was broke and it was not the first time she had been in that situation. I too was unemployed and had no money but had a stable life. I had to ask my then new husband if he could wire her some money. She knew him pretty well but still when *I* asked for her bank account info to send money she exclaimed, "I'm not giving you my personal financial information!". She will take help from others but does not understand that we aren't trying to control her; there is a feeling that she is always paranoid about my intentions.
My mom is very arrogant in terms of her knowledge and always thinks she knows more than others, especially doctors.
She has a range of conspiracies she believes in, and because of her ability to delve into deep and obscure topics at great length, she is impossible to corner with her flawed logic. I too am very sharp and capable but she has muddled herself in so much false internet crap and conspiracy that she simply cannot be talked in to reason when it comes to doing what is best for her health. But still I get to hear her suffering.
The point is my mom is a self desctructive person and has no trouble letting me see how miserable she is. I am constantly worried about her.
I often wonder if she even has a conscience, loves me, Etc.
She now has cancer. It is probably lung cancer (even though she disagrees with five oncologists), she cannot even talk any more above a whisper. I have no siblings and none of her former spouses or family are in her life. She has no good friends. I'm it.
I was the one who drove five hours to pick her up five months ago and get her to my home so I could help her. I am a SAHM and my husband is tolerant but hates the person I become around her.
I have been responsible for finding her doctors, making her appointments, making sure she eats, Etc. She has, in all this time, cooked once. She is withdrawn and self absorbed with things like geneaology (as if she is going to somehow leave a legacy of usefulness).
I am very, very cynical, dark-minded, and full of pain. I have been watching my mom 'die' for many years, and I almost wish it was already over.
I even put my son in day care to be able to help her. I myself have developed Generalized Anxiety Disorder (A mild form without panic attacks) and am 35 and pregnant.
I resent my mom so much that even with her as sick as she is and possible even with a few years left, I have so little love left for her. I used to love her so much. It tears me up inside, the coldness I show her, that I have nightmares and cannot sleep. I brought her to tears yesterday, when I told her I was done trying to be active in her care because of her hostility towards me. I am just terrified of the likelihood that my mom will pass having never maintained a single lasting relationship in her life. I am terrified of having so many bad memories to look back on, that it's too late to make good memories because there is too much pain.
I am a mess.
Lately I often try to convince her to do things like let me help her sell her condo down south and move up near us so I can be closer to her, but she is so arrogant and entitled, I find myself unable to look at her without feeling contempt. She condemns everything I offer to do, she is incredibly negative and always has been.
I would have 1,000 times more empathy for a stranger in my mom's shoes, and feel nothing but disgust towards a person like myself, looking in from another life. Even my husband can't understand my coldness.
I am just tired of feeling like a used doormat. I am terrified that I will not be able to show my mom the love and tenderness I want to believe all people deserve when they are sick. She isn't even 60 yet but has been acting like she is over 80 for the past 10+ years and I am over it. I went to live with my dad when I was 11 years old; for the most part she has not taken care of me; I simply don't feel like taking care of her. Why did I get her here? Because any time there is a short lapse between our fights, I forget and love takes over. Love is so twisted when your own mom is at such odds.
I say all this; in an hour I will go out to the porch where she is sitting smoking and offer her a sandwich, and try to clean up our last fight. And she can barely be heard because her vocal chord is paralyzed. I had her all set up for the surgery to have it repaired but she decided not to go a few months back because she didn't like the hospital. After days of us planning, she pulled the plug. I begged her in tears; she had her mind made up.
I am an extremely angry, bitter person. And deep down, I feel ugly and cruel. And I can't help but blame my mom.
I am heartbroken.
I am pregnant and cannot afford to be feeling like this. My husband and I have been sleeping in separate beds since she came to stay with us 4 months ago. I sometimes hope she will just go away and I will never hear from her again, although I know that would also devastate me.
At this point I have repeatedly given her indications that I have to pull back, that I am not willing to put my son in to day care any longer (I started so I could take her to her appointments), and that she needs to plan how she is going to manage her needs since she has been so disinterested in moving closer. She has such an attitude of entitlement; she even commented that if I had a bigger house she could love with us. She expects us to make every accomodation at our own expense, such as replacing a perfectly good door because it sticks and makes it hard for her to get out to the patio where she can smoke. Every day is a list of complaints.
Thanks for reading. Sorry you even had to read about it, tho.